AN: A conversation between Lainey and Elizabeth.
For cyn, by request, the therapy version of my fic Pillow Talk. I make no promises about show facts.
"Why are you so angry with Nikolas?"
"Because it's his fault, if he hadn't kissed me this wouldn't have happened. We'd still be just friends, good friends and Lucky and I would be getting married."
"How did that first kiss happen?"
"I'm sure you heard about it through hospital gossip."
"Yes, but I'd like to hear it from you? The first kiss lead to a second, was that Nikolas too?"
"Yes, no, I don't know. That evening is kind of a blur. He kissed me in the hospital to make Rebecca jealous, it was shocking, unplanned......and I liked it. Lucky was there and got jealous too. It was nice knowing he still cared for me."
"You don't have to answer this question now but I would like you to think about it. Was it brotherly rivalry or the realization that he still loved you? Or more specifically, was Lucky jealous because he loved and wanted you or because the brother he's always been a little jealous of kissed his ex-girl?"
"Lucky isn't like that!"
"What makes you say that? Before you answer, I'd like you to go back to the kiss question. How did the second kiss happen and when?"
"After my shift, the night of the hospital kiss, we went to Jake's. We talked about why it happened. We were drinking, I remember laughing....a lot. We used to laugh like that all the time, the four of us, Lucky, Emily, Nikolas, and I. It was nice."
"So you were having a good time, were you worried about anything?"
"No, we talked about serious things but we were having fun, teasing each other like old times. We were talking about Emily describing his kisses."
"Who brought that up, you or Nik?"
"I did....I think....yes it was me. I told him that Emily used to tell me about everything, she told how nice his kisses were. I always wondered and know I knew. Nikolas really knows how to kiss well. Then we were kissing, I don't know who started it, it might have been both of us."
"Was it nice, the second kiss?"
"It was wonderful, we agreed we wouldn't think of it or do it again but honestly it's all I thought about. Every time I saw him after, I wanted him to kiss me, to kiss him. He started dating Rebecca again. I was not happy about that, she was lying to him about something. Later we learned she was just after his money. I knew there was something wrong with her. Nikolas should have just listened to me from the beginning."
"Were you jealous of Rebecca, when Nikolas started dating her again?"
"No! Of course not!"
"Why of course not? You just told me that all you could think of was that kiss with Nikolas."
"It doesn't matter if I was, Nikolas and I can never be together."
"We'll get back to that. What happened that kept you close to Nikolas? How did the affair start?"
"Rebecca. I was worried about him so I checked up on him a lot. We were getting close, so close to kissing again. But then Lucky and I started doing more together as parents, as a family. Nikolas and I did kiss, we came close to sleeping together several times. I stopped it because it wouldn't be fair to Lucky."
"And the sleeping together, how did that start?"
"It was the night of the carnival. Jake was hurt, Lucky was there, he handled everything so well, which is good because I was out of it. I'm a competent nurse but when it's my child that's hurt, I don't know I lose it a little. Nikolas came to see how I was doing, when I saw him I ran to him, he gave me a hug and we kissed."
"Who started that kiss?"
"I did. It must have been me. I was so relieved, Jake was perfectly all right, they just wanted to keep him for observation."
"How did you end up sleeping with Nikolas that night?"
"Lucky proposed. I needed to tell Nikolas, it would only be fair. I went to Spoon Island to tell him. He challenged my thinking, one thing lead to another and it just happened."
"It?"
"We kissed, we started ripping each others clothing off. He picked me up, it was wonderful. It was the best sex I've ever experienced."
"Why is that do you think? Is his technique better than any of your previous lovers?"
"Maybe some, but a kiss is just a kiss, isn't it? Why did I react the way I did to him?"
"I don't know, how did you react?"
"It was more intense, better than anything I had ever experienced before. I lost myself in him. We agreed it couldn't happen again, that we had to stay away. I also agreed that I wouldn't marry Lucky. When I saw Lucky again, I was going to say no, but he was so earnest ,so hopeful for our family, I just had to say yes. Nikolas wasn't very happy about that. I thought he was pressuring me. He avoided some events but when he couldn't, all I could think of was him and how wrong it was. He didn't give up on me."
"Was he pressuring you for sex?"
"No, not overtly, he always said he would leave if I wanted but I didn't want. He wanted us to tell Lucky. I couldn't let him. I made him promise not too. He agreed but I know he wasn't happy about it."
"You said 'overtly', what does that mean?"
"He didn't need to pressure me for sex, all he has to do is enter the room and I want him. I want to feel that way about Lucky. That's why I'm angry with him. I want to feel for Lucky what I feel for Nikolas."
"What is that?"
"Passion, excitement, trust, love, friendship. I feel love for Lucky and we have fun but everything in me is screaming for Nikolas and that's just wrong. That's just my inner slut, Lucky's right I like the drama, the secrets. I chased after Jason and now Nikolas."
"Let's put aside judgments for the moment. You said you like the drama and the secrets, so why didn't your relationship work with Ric? Didn't he provide drama? How was the sex with him?"
"The sex was fun and athletic. I enjoyed it until he tried to kill me."
"What about Lucky?"
"It took along time for us to have sex. He was always afraid of hurting me and of making sure I was ready. When we did it was nice."
"Nice, was it ever sexy and fun?"
"Sometimes. We've always been comfortable with each other, I know Lucky would never hurt me."
"You know that Lucky would never hurt you. You said earlier that Lucky would never get jealous of Nikolas. Elizabeth, if Lucky is this paragon of manhood then wonderful but it's been my experience that all of us have flaws. Has he never hurt you? What about when he was on drugs?"
"That was the drugs. Lucky would never cheat when he's in his right mind."
"What about Sarah?"
"That's different, we weren't really together, we were just starting a relationship again. It was hard after Helena faked his death. He had a lot of brainwashing to get through."
"You're very understanding of his transgressions. Why, do you think that is?"
"He's Lucky, he's Laura's son, he's always thinking of other people. He saved me."
"Did he? Or did you save yourself? I'd like you to think about that for awhile. You've known Nikolas almost as long as Lucky. Just how close were you?"
"Very close, we took on Helena together and won. He's always been there for me, Emily and Lucky. We haven't always gotten along but we always get back to the friendship. He's made some decisions I didn't agree with, just as I make decisions he doesn't agree with but we're still friends, good friends after all this time. Do you know, the hospital kiss wasn't our first kiss. He kissed me once after Lucky's death."
"He did! How did that go?"
"I shoved him away, it was too soon after Lucky. I wasn't ready."
"That's interesting what you've just said, I'd like you to think about why. I'd also like you to consider that it's very mature to to know someone and accept them flaws and all. Looking at someone and only seeing the good things, hiding from the negative, pretending it doesn't exist isn't all that healthy. For now I'd like to get back to your comment about being a slut. You know me very well, we're friends. Do you think I'm a slut?"
"No of course not. Your an adult woman without any obligations, you're free to do as you please."
"Obligations, what kind of obligations would prevent me from freely experiencing and expressing my sensuality?"
"Children; they need to come first and being in a committed relationship."
"What is your definition of a committed relationship?"
"Both parties agree to love one another and to be monogamous."
"Were you in a committed relationship when Nikolas and you almost had sex?"
"No. Lucky and I hadn't even discussed it."
"When Lucky first brought up a commitment – marriage. What was your first thought?"
"Nikolas. I wanted to find Nikolas."
"Is it possible that thinking about Nikolas was your way of telling yourself that Lucky wasn't the one, that you wanted Nikolas?"
"No! Of course not. Everyone knows I self-sabotage."
"Okay, you self-sabotage. Let's work with that. If you self-sabotage, as you say, which relationship were you sabotaging? Lucky or Nikolas?"
"Well Lucky of course. I want my family with him."
"You told me that you weren't going to marry Lucky. How is that the committed relationship?"
"It isn't."
"Isn't it more likely that you were sabotaging this new, sensual and adult relationship with Nikolas?"
"Why would I do that. We weren't in a relationship, it was just an affair."
"For you or him?"
"He says he's in love with me, that it's more than an affair. But it has to be an affair, it will fizzle out. All that will be left is disappointment and regret. I already regret it. It's landed me in here."
"Was it the affair that landed you in here, the lies, or the fear of a life without Lucky? You have a lot of thinking to do before our next session. Some things I want you to consider, you say Lucky's always been there for you and you can't live without him, consider all the ways you've lived and succeeded without him and consider what you consider a best friend to be and who's really been the best friend to you over the years, Nikolas or Lucky. Also, are you angry with Nikolas or yourself?"