Title- Choices

Author- ShawThang

Rating- PG

Summary- She hopes they love her enough. Dark fic.

Disclaimer- Characters don't belong to me.

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Choices

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I know that he will not let me go again. He has lost me too many times, and to repeat the process of grieving, accepting it and trying to move on will nearly kill him. Placing me in the ground almost destroyed him, and I know he was struggling to move on before he found out I was back. He will not survive burying me again. I hate the thought of putting him through it again, but this is the way it has to be. He needs to be strong; strong for me, and strong for the world. Because at the moment, the world's fate lies in his hands.

Not many people know how it feels. To hold something so important, so fragile in the palm of your hand, and know that without your hand supporting it, it will fall. Without your strength it could fall apart so easily, destroying everything along with it. The knowledge pushes down on you, always applying pressure until you feel your knees begin to buckle, feel the sweat drip off the tip of your nose, feel the intense wave of sickness flow through you. It eats away at the centre of your core, ripping and shredding all the feelings of confidence and hope until an empty hole is left. Your body shivers at the fear you feel. Not fear for yourself, but fear for the people who will die if you fail. For the animals that will burn, for the trees and plants that will wither and rot.

There is a terror in his eyes, a panicked light that glistens when the moonlight hits. He doesn't know what to do, what to choose. He is conflicted, his thoughts a muddle of confusion as he repeats the endless circle of comparing alternatives. His mind whirls as he thinks, betrayed by the quick blinking his eyes seemed to do and the constantly twitching fingers. I half expect him to remove his glasses and wipe them, but they stay firmly on the bridge of his nose. The seconds tick by, and his choice is still not made. What if the duty a Watcher upholds is overruled by his love for me? I begin to grow nervous, and then chide myself for my doubts. I know him well enough to know that he will do the right thing. Giles always does the right thing.

I turn and see the man I love watching both of us. He is only a foot away, and I yearn for the feel of his touch. His eyes flicker from Giles to me,

patiently waiting for my Watcher's decision. Giles stops fidgeting and steps back, and I know he has finally made his choice. The face I love glances at Giles for a moment longer, and then locks eyes with mine. I see his heart shatter. I see the fragments shudder then smash again, millions of tiny shards tearing through his body. It burns him slowly, consuming him from the inside.

I look on as the ember of hope in his eyes flickers and dies, leaving the blue depths empty. He is accepting it, embracing it. He knows that it is the end for him as well, and I realize that he is glad.

And I know that it is over.    

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I watch them both, knowing the moment I have thought of my entire unlife has finally arrived. I have always pondered what the afterlife will be like. Angelus' told me what it was like, but his brief stint in hell was not authentic; it was only a limbo, a resting place during his hiatus from the world. Will this hell hurt as much? Will this hell give me the punishment I deserve? For not only am I leaving this world without a hero, I am taking the light which kept it circling the sun. I am taking the brightness from her friends' days, the apple of her father's eye, the idol of her sister's dreams. The one girl in the entire world that does not deserve to be tainted by such evil has been poisoned, and I can not lose her to it.

Giles is willing to let this thing take over her, and I know that I was, too, before she asked me not to let it happen. She had grabbed my hand in her moments of sanity, and gazed at me. She had lifted her hand and touched my forehead, letting her fingers drift over my temple and cheekbone, gently caressing my lips with her fingertips. She lifted her eyes and stared into mine, and I saw her request echoing through the green sparkles.

Please, Spike, she had whispered. Please love me enough.

I love her enough. I love her enough to kill her. I love her enough to follow her, though, because without her I can not survive. I will not. I refuse to. So this is what I must do, and as the realization settles within me an eerie calm surrounds me. There is something in my way, and I will not continue without his consent. If I think anyone loves her as much as I do, it is him. Giles. He knows, deep in his heart, what he must do. But it is his inability to accept it which hinders his choice. He thinks of her in the ground, not in Heaven where she belongs. Where she will be happy. Where, when I am burning in eternal torment, I will look to find peace. Where my soul is.

He slumps suddenly, as if the life has left him, and steps back. I look at him one last time, acknowledging his choice with a nod. He is brave, but he is tired. I know this will be the end of him- with her life will go his spirit. It is one time to many to bury the person you love. It is one time too many to kill the person you love. I glance at her, and all the life, all the hope, all the love I have for her is gone. I am empty, a black abyss.

Our time has finally come.

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She is asking me to do this, but I find myself faltering. She reminds me of something, a promise I made to her during the first year of our acquaintance. I wish I can honour that promise. I wish I can let her go, allow her to return to the peace she craves and deserves. I can not, though; at least not yet. There is something that keeps me from being the hero she wants me to be, and I realize that it is love. Love is holding me back, keeping me from the person she is herself. She could sacrifice love for the world- I can not. I thought myself an unselfish, benevolent man- I see now that I am deluded.

Staring back at me calmly, she awaits my choice. Do I let her live on and let this demon take over her body? Do I sit back and allow this spirit to spoil her mind, her body…her soul? Or do I let her go, once more burying her beneath the dirt where she will lay forever more? It is already beginning to corrupt her mind. Every few minutes her eyes darken and the ghoul takes over, controlling her. I see the black void left in her eyes, and picture seeing the same thing whenever I look at her. It is becoming worse. When she returns to her normal self she pleads and begs with me to honour our promise.

I remember the day she asked me. A few days after Jessie's death, she came to me in the library.

Please, Giles, she had said. Please love me enough.

Do I love her enough to kill her? The rational part of my mind tells me that I am not killing her. Spike is ready to do so. He loves her enough. If a vampire can love her enough, then surely I can. So why can't I make my choice? I have known, since I was first appointed her Watcher, that I would see her death. It is our curse. To teach her, to train her, to watch her fall. I have done so twice already and now I must do so again. I will honour my promise to her. I will honour the girl I love so much that I can not bare to lose again. This is the last time I will send her to her death.

I step back.

Spike's eyes are dead, and she smiles.

"Thank you," she whispers, the sound of her voice carried to me on the slight wind. "Thank you for loving me enough."

Spike steps forwards and snaps Buffy's neck, the sharp crack echoing through the empty cemetery. I pull the stake from my pocket and he turns to face me, waiting for the fatal blow. The wood is embedded into his heart, and he mouths a quick thank you before crumbling to dust. I am left alone. My daughter is gone, my life ended, my reason stolen. Bitterness creeps into my heart and I welcome it with open arms. The numbness spreads, covering my body in its grasp. The coldness seeps in, and I finally understand why humans are so afraid to make choices.

They are afraid to make the wrong one.

I smile ironically.

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The End

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