Hi folks! For those of you who wanted me to write another one-shot, here it is! Hope you enjoy! This one will tug at your hearts. You've been warned!
"So Chandler, why did you come in today?" the woman asked. She crossed her legs, looking at him expectantly.
"I uh...I'm not sure where to start," Chandler replied. He stared at this woman. How was he going to express his feelings to a complete stranger?
"That's okay," the woman reassured him. He swallowed a few times and licked his lips. This was hard to say. Incredibly hard to say.
"I haven't been myself lately," he said. Flashes of Monica's face went through his mind, the way she'd look at him across the room.
"Uh huh," the woman prompted when he sat there in silence.
"I lost my best friend," he finally said. He felt his throat tighten again. It seemed that was all it ever did. Tighten, tears, choking sobs, repeat. It left him gasping for air sometimes.
"Did they leave?" the woman asked.
"In a way," he nodded. "I blame myself. If I had just been there, I could have prevented it." Images of the gang all laughing together in Monica's apartment flickered through his mind briefly.
"How so?"
"I just could have, all right?" he snapped.
"Okay," the woman said softly. She waited for him to speak again. Chandler honestly didn't know if he could.
"I can't do this," he said, getting up.
"Chandler," the woman said, standing up with him. He paused at the door, biting his fist. "I understand you're upset. Did you want to reschedule?"
"No. No, I'm not coming back here," Chandler told her. He went out the door and into the hallway. He ran as fast as he could to the stairs and almost fell down them. He could feel and hear his heart pounding in his chest the entire time. Once on the street, he ran harder and faster. He needed to feel it pumping. He needed to know it wasn't going to give out on him. He ran until his lungs almost gave out. He finally stopped in the middle of Central Park, gasping and laboring for air. He fell to his knees and stared out at the park. He could hear Joey's laugh, mocking him about being so out of shape. Chandler squeezed his eyes shut from the pain and clenched his fists. He was NOT going to cry here in public.
"Chandler?" He opened his eyes. The voice was familiar. It seemed far away and muffled, like it was underwater. He turned to see Phoebe standing there.
"Hey," he said, acting as though he knelt on the grass in Central Park every day.
"Are you okay?" she asked, kneeling down beside him.
"No, Phoebs," he said. "I'm not okay."
"Neither am I," she told him. She took his hand in hers and squeezed it tightly. "We're in this together, remember?"
"I know," he said. They all were. God it felt like this whole thing made them even tighter than usual. He could hear Ross' voice in his head saying something about dinosaurs. Then it was gone.
"Come on," Phoebe said, pulling him up. "We gotta go. It's almost time."
"I can't do it," Chandler said. He began to sob. "I c-can't do it."
"We have to," Phoebe said tearfully.
"Go without me," Chandler sniffed. She shook her head vehemently.
"You're coming. We need you," she said firmly. He allowed her to pull him up off the ground and towards a waiting cab. They got in, and Phoebe gave directions. Chandler barely heard anything. All he could think about was the last time they were all together.
"Ewwww!" Phoebe was laughing. They were all gathered at her apartment. Rachel was sitting on Ross' lap. They had recently gotten back together at the beach house.
"That's right, I stepped up!" Joey cried. "If I had to, I'd pee on any of you."
"Joey tried to pee on me," Monica explained. "But he got shy."
"So Chandler..." Joey started.
"Aahhh!" Chandler cried into his hands.
"Ewwwww!" Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe all cried.
"You don't know!" Monica cried. "The pain was so bad! Blinding!"
"Let's never speak of this again!" Chandler shouted.
"You guys are like your own little weird group now," Phoebe laughed.
"Oh, shut up!" Chandler cried.
"It's not so bad," Monica told him. "I'm in the group." She smiled at him then.
"Chandler?"
"Huh?"
"Are you thinking about it?"
"I'm always thinking about it."
"You couldn't have done anything."
"Yes, I could have. I know CPR and first aid," Chandler argued.
"You didn't know it was happening," Phoebe challenged.
"I should have, all right? I just should have," he muttered.
"It'll be okay," Phoebe said softly. "One day." He turned away and stared out the window at the passing views. He was heading for his best friend's funeral. Nothing about this was okay. It would never be okay.
"She is blaming me for this," Ross said, slapping the pile of papers in his hand. "She wants me to take full responsibility for the break up."
"Oh my God keep it up and I'm going to break up with you," Chandler snapped. "Look, you got what you wanted! You got her back. Just let it go already!"
"I know. You're right," Ross sighed. "But you understand how hard this is for me!"
"Sure," Chandler shrugged.
"Oh yea," Joey nodded along.
"Now is when we get out of the car," Phoebe said, looking at him. Chandler hadn't even realized they'd stopped.
"I can't," he said.
"Chandler, please," Phoebe begged. "I can't do this without you."
"I'm better off dead," Chandler muttered.
"Don't you EVER say that again!" Phoebe shouted. She looked as though she might hit him, and Chandler almost welcomed it. Maybe he would actually feel something.
"Phoebs..."
"No! You're acting like this is only happening to you. It's happening to ALL of us, Chandler. Don't you dare commit suicide on me. I will not lose you the way I lost my mother!" Phoebe shouted. She was shaking in anger now.
"I'm sorry," he said, reaching out and gripping her arm. "I was being stupid. I'd never do it."
"Good," she cut him off. "Now let's go." He followed her out of the car. He paused on the steps. Phoebe stopped and turned to look at him.
"I'll be right there," he said. He took a big breath. It was time to say goodbye.
"WE WERE ON A BREAK!" Ross' voice careened from the bedroom.
"Coffeehouse?" Chandler asked.
"You bet," Monica replied. Joey nodded. They hurried, but it was too late. Ross had already barged out of Rachel's bedroom.
"I can't even believe I even THOUGHT that we could get back together! We are SOOOO over!" Rachel screamed.
"Fine by me!" Ross shouted back.
"Oh, and just so you know, it's not that common, it doesn't happen to every guy, and it IS a big deal!" Rachel shouted after him before slamming the door.
"I KNEW it!" Chandler cried.
The first person they saw was Rachel. She was gripping tissues in her hand like they were her lifeboat, and she could barely stand for the grief.
"Hey," Phoebe said, going to hug her. Rachel broke down in her arms. Chandler felt his throat tighten again.
"I just can't believe this," she whispered. Phoebe nodded in agreement.
"Let's get this over with," Chandler said hoarsely.
"I don't think I can talk after all," Rachel whimpered. "I just can't."
"If I have to talk," Chandler said. "Then so do you."
"We have to, Rach," Phoebe told her.
"I know," Rachel sobbed.
"Gin," Monica grinned.
"We were playing Gin?" Chandler asked. She laughed. "You know, if we were a couple, we could play this game naked."
"Would you stop?!" Monica laughed.
"All right," Chandler agreed half-heartedly.
"Look, I think you're great. You're very sweet, smart, and I love you."
"But?" he asked. There was always a but.
"You will always be the guy who peed on me," she said seriously. Then she smiled that brilliant smile at him.
"Hey," Ross said, coming up beside Rachel. She threw herself into his arms, and he held her tightly. "There's a lot of people here."
"Really?" Chandler asked, getting nervous. He wasn't good at talking in front of crowds.
"Just picture them naked," Phoebe advised.
"This isn't my father's burlesque house," Chandler snorted.
"I can't believe we're doing this," Ross said, sniffing hard. Rachel started crying into his armpit again. "I never imagined..."
"Would you stop saying that?" Chandler demanded. "This is hard enough."
"Ross," Rachel said suddenly. "I love you. I do. I really don't care anymore why we broke up. If this has taught me anything, it's that I need to love with all my heart no matter what." Ross' eyes became wet at this.
"I love you too, Rach. I never stopped," he said. He held her close.
"Are we ready?" the minister asked, sticking his head out the door.
"Yea," Ross said for all of them. They walked single file down the aisle.
It had been another morning. He was coming upstairs from the coffeehouse whistling to himself. He was thinking of ways to get Monica to date him still even though she had told him it wasn't gonna happen. He smiled. She was amazing, she really was. He knew now there was no one else he'd rather be with. If only he could get her to see that.
"CHANDLER!" her voice screamed. His heart stopped. "HELP!" He raced up the stairs two at a time. When he got there, the scene in front of him was like one from a horror movie.
Chandler wasn't listening to the minister talk. He was staring at the coffin and the large photo behind it with all the flowers surrounding it. His best friend was in that box. Someone he had loved. Someone he had never dreamed living without.
"Now," the minister said. "Will those planning to speak please come and give their goodbyes?" Chandler felt all the eyes on him. Of course he was first. He stood up on shaky legs and managed to make his way to the front. He stopped and looked at the coffin briefly, imagining what his friend looked like in there. Then he turned and stared at everyone in the crowd. There was not a dry eye to be found. He opened his mouth and started to speak.
"I don't know what to do!" Monica sobbed. She was kneeling over Joey, who was lying there with staring eyes, a slice of pizza on the ground beside him.
"He just fell! He was standing there talking to me, and he just fell!" Chandler dropped down and shoved her aside. He felt for a pulse. There was none.
"No, no, no!" he shouted. "Come on!" He started the chest compressions.
"Chandler," Monica whimpered.
"NO!" he shouted through his counting. He kept going. "Come on, Joe. COME ON!"
"Chandler," Monica said again, yanking at his arms. "Chandler, he's gone."
"JOEY!" Chandler bellowed, pushing her off and doing compressions again. She started sobbing.
"I c-called for help," she cried. "They should be coming." Chandler didn't hear her. He was focused on his best friend. He kept doing compressions until paramedics pulled him off. He stood there in shock beside Monica as they pronounced Joey dead. It all happened so quickly. He was wrapped up and taken away. His family was notified. Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe thought they were pulling a prank at first until the looks on both Chandler and Monica's faces told them otherwise. It had been a bawling, sobbing, emotional breakdown on everyone's part.
"Joey was my best friend," Chandler started, his voice shaking. He caught Monica's eyes in the front row. She nodded at him in encouragement. "He was taken away from us in almost the worst way imaginable." He choked up at this. It took him a moment before he could continue.
"Joey was the one who would make me feel better about myself. He'd toss me a beer and order a pizza, and we'd talk it out, sometimes late into the night. He was there for all of us. I am never, ever going to get over this. I am mad at God. I'm mad at the pizza company. I'm even mad at myself for not being there when it happened." He swallowed hard.
"It was a myocardial infarction," the coroner was saying.
"Just say it was damn heart attack, all right?!" Chandler shouted at him.
"I feel guilty for not being there for him because he was always there for me," Chandler went on. "I know he wouldn't want me to feel that way, but I do. God, I can't imagine how I or any of us are going to move on from this." He raked his hands through his hair. He felt the tears coming again. He gripped the podium, unsure if he could go on. Then he felt their presences. He turned to see Monica on his left with Phoebe on his right, and Ross and Rachel on either side of them. They all linked arms with each other and wrapped them around him. He choked out a sob at this.
"Joey was the light in our group," Ross said. "When things got dark or sad or angry, he'd do or say something totally ridiculous to make us all laugh again."
"Joey always ate all of my food," Monica said, making the crowd laugh a little. "But he had a big heart."
"Joey took an interest in my fashion career and even let me try menswear on him before promoting it," Rachel laughed. "And he made me realize that being yourself was a fine way to live."
"Joey was the love of my life," Phoebe finally said. The others looked at her, shocked. "Nobody ever knew because I kept it to myself. My biggest regret is not telling him. Now he'll never know." She bowed her head, tears dripping down her face and onto the ground. They all stood there for a beat longer until the minister gestured that they could sit down. They all sat together, holding hands, looking up at Joey's face smiling down at them.
"What are we going to do?" Rachel asked, crying.
"We'll give him a good funeral. He'd want us to laugh," Ross said.
"I can't laugh," Monica told him.
"I know. I just know he would want us to try," Ross explained.
"How is it that we are sitting here planning Joey's funeral service?" Chandler demanded. "He was too young to have a heart attack and die! God! I know he ate a lot of crap, but still. It shouldn't have ended like this. Not like this." Phoebe said nothing. She had nothing to say. The words she should have said will forever go unheard now.
"Now what?" Ross asked. They were sitting at a table in the reception area. Nobody was talking loudly. It was mostly whispering. Estelle looked terrible. They had gone to console her, but she had shrugged them off.
"I'm still in shock," she had told them. Joey's family all huddled together, not breaking apart for anything or anyone.
"I saw a therapist today," Chandler said. They all looked at him. He met their gazes. "I think I'm going to go back and talk to her."
"I think that's a good idea," Monica chimed in. "Maybe I'll see her too."
"You guys can't blame yourself for this," Rachel told them.
"You weren't there, Rach," Monica said. "He just...dropped. Just like that. One minute teasing me about not eating pizza for breakfast then the next..." She stopped. Chandler took her hand in his.
"You're right, I wasn't there," Rachel said. "But you still have to remember there wasn't anything you could do. It was instant they said. He was gone before he hit the floor."
"Just stop, okay?" Monica snapped. She got up and walked away.
"Nice going," Chandler said to Rachel.
"I'm sorry, but I'm trying to help," Rachel responded.
"It's not helping," Chandler scoffed. He got up to join Monica. He put his arms around her.
"Who is gonna eat all my food now?" she asked.
"I can try," Chandler offered.
"No. We all have to clean up our health now. If this has taught us anything, it's to be aware of our hearts," Monica sniffed.
"Yea," Chandler agreed. The future looked very, very bleak. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. Not at all. He looked back at the table where Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe were sitting. It was the five of them now. He thought of Joey's smiling face. He'd want them to try to be happy again, Chandler knew it. He would try. For Joey, he'd do anything.
Chandler sat up gasping for air, his heart pounding. It was dark, and the clock said 3:04 a.m. Chandler thought hard about what had woken him up. Then he remembered. He leaped out of bed and rushed over to Joey's room. He opened the door and saw his friend lying in bed snoring away.
"Joey," Chandler said loudly. Joey coughed and snorted in response but didn't wake up. "Joey!"
"Wha-? Huh?" Joey said, waking up, startled.
"Starting tomorrow, we are gonna walk every damn day. We are gonna stop drinking beer like it's water, and we are gonna eat healthier," Chandler told him.
"Chandler, it's the middle of the night. Can we talk about this tomorrow?" Joey moaned.
"Fine, but I mean it!" Chandler warned.
"Go back to bed," Joey groaned. Chandler closed the door behind him, and then he hesitated. He made up his mind, and he marched over to Monica's apartment. He let himself in and walked to her bedroom. He opened her door and peered in. She was lying sprawled on top of her blankets. He went over to her and nudged her awake.
"Chandler!" she shouted when she saw him. "What the hell are you doing?!"
"Shhh," he said. "I need to talk to you."
"Now?" she asked, looking at the clock. "It's 3:09 a.m.!"
"I know. It's important," he said.
"All right," she huffed, sitting up. "What?"
"Monica, I'm in love with you," Chandler said. She started. "No, let me finish. I've been dancing around these feelings for a while now, and I just had the worst dream of my life, and the lesson it taught me was to tell the ones you love that you love them before something happens to them. So here I am. Monica, I'm so in love with you. I know I'm just the guy who peed on you, but I can be so much more than that."
"Oh my God, Chandler," Monica said, putting a hand over her heart.
"Don't say anything," Chandler interrupted. "Just...process it. I just had to tell you."
"Chandler," Monica said. She reached out and touched his arm. "I'm in love with you too. I've known it for a little while now. When you were teasing me about being my boyfriend, I actually could see it. I can, and it got me thinking. You're my best friend, and I already know you'd make a wonderful boyfriend."
"You're serious?" Chandler asked.
"Yes," she laughed. "I was going to talk to you in the morning about it. Looks like you beat me to it."
"I guess I did," he laughed back.
"What was your dream?" she asked, curious.
"I don't want to talk about it," Chandler said.
"Must have been pretty serious to make you profess your love to me in the middle of the night," she teased.
"It was," he nodded seriously. "Maybe one day I'll tell you."
"Come here," Monica said, pulling him into an embrace. He let himself crawl in beside her and drifted off to sleep again. He was happy. Truly happy. This time, when he fell asleep, it remained dreamless.
I bet none of you saw that coming did you? Muahaha! Seriously though, I hope you enjoyed it even though it was depressing. I have the score of This is Us by Siddhartha Khosla to thank for the inspiration of the sad moments.