Summary : A 26 part mini drabble series featuring various words representing each alphabet, starring different people of the DS crew. WARNING! Further scrutiny is strongly inadvisable. The content is random, chaotic and logic does NOT apply here. Might pose hazardous to brain chemistry, should you reread it more than five times. Turn back if the following symptoms are felt : Dizziness, nausea, brain haemorrhage, goose bumps, random bouts of insanity, craving for sharp pointy objects, glaring at random pieces of cheese, toxic bowel syndrome, diarrhoea, stealing funky straws from Starbucks, acid reflux and sinus infections. You have been warned!
-If the following symptoms are not present, please proceed at your own risk. Have a blessed neuronal-damaged day! ;P
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A is for Ape.
"For the last time Darren, there is no such thing as the abominable snowman!" Larten scoffed, crossing his arms over his chest. "Vampire mountain is perfectly safe against all threats and wild beasts. The vampires stay in, anything else stays out. Are we clear?"
The younger vampire huffed and pouted. "But Mr. Crepsley – Harkat and I just saw a large white...thing run through the forest!" he protested, before lifting his hands up and mimicking the actions of what might seem like a rabid ape. "He kept going 'RAWR, RAWR, I'm-gonna-suck-your-vampire-brains-out-through-your-ears, RAWR!!!"
Larten sighed at his assistant and turned questioningly towards the Little Person standing quietly in the corner of the cave.
"Ask Harkat!" Darren yelled, following Mr. Crepsley's gaze. "He was there – it tried to eat him!"
"There was something...big and furry outside...the mountain," Harkat agreed.
Darren shot a triumphant glance at his mentor. "Hah! You see! I told you it was the abominable snowman! And now it's gonna ea-"
"Charna's guts, Darren Shan! You were not about to be eaten by a mythical snow monster!" Larten cut the youngest Prince off, fuming. "You must have seen someone like Vanez streaking in the nude across the snow for all I know!"
"Hey!" Vanez protested from the doorway, scowling at the older vampire. "I do not streak outside the mountain!"
Gavner arched his eyebrows, amused. "And this is coming from the vampire who yelled 'I am the Lizard King of the Mountain! You shall all grovel before my uberlicious hot butt!' twelve years ago."
"He does have a point, Vanez," Kurda commented mildly, shrugging from behind the ashen faced Gamesmaster.
"Shut up, Blondie."
Gavner grinned. Kurda sighed. Vanez huffed. Harkat gibbered. Darren muttered. Larten gave up.
"Maybe to put young Master Shan's mind at ease, we should all go and investigate this abominable snowman theory. After all, I have not been out of the mountain in quite a while."
All five vampires and one Little Person turned to look at Seba like he had grown two heads. But the aged vampire just ignored them and resumed brushing invisible specks of dust off his cloak.
"Seba? Why are you here?" Larten questioned, frowning.
His mentor gave an eerie smile. "Why Larten, if I know no better it is almost as if you do not want to me to join this incredible quest."
The ginger haired vampire spluttered, his cheeks mottling red with embarrassment. "This is not a-"
"Hey, what's going on?" another voice interceded before Larten could finish. Arra Sails stepped into the crammed cave and stared blankly at all the disgruntled vampires in curious confusion.
"We're going on a quest," Gavner chirped gleefully.
"Darren thinks there's something threatening stomping around outside Vampire Mountain," Kurda answered blandly.
"There's a crazy snowman outside the mountain!" Darren blurted, flapping his arms dramatically to emphasize a point. "It's going to eat us, I tell you! EAT US!"
Arra stared at him skeptically.
"He's right..." Harkat droned, green eyes aglow with terror. "There was something...outside just now...Didn't look human."
Arra stared at the Little Person with even more skepticism.
"I finally get to inhale some fresh air," Seba threw in happily, smoothing out the lapels of his cloak.
"I think Larten's having an aneurysm," Vanez pointed out, noticing the giant purple vein throbbing under the ex-general's forehead.
Larten flushed a deeper shade of red and muttered something incorrigible under his breath. Arra pursed her lips and glanced at all the vampires in turn. Darren was rocking back and forth in the corner, chewing his fingernails; Gavner and Vanez were already making plans on what knife would be best to skillet a snowman; Seba frowned at a crease near his right sleeve; Larten turned redder with suppressed fury; Kurda was reciting a list of what things to bring to map out the new terrain, and Harkat was busy eating a rat that had just crawled out from under Darren's hammock.
"Sounds cool. Can I come?"
Larten groaned. Darren looked petrified. Gavner and Vanez slapped each other a high five and promptly missed, nearly jabbing each other in the eye. Seba grumbled about poor dry cleaning services in the mountain. Kurda just ran a hair over his head, looking peeved. Harkat was still busy polishing off his rodent.
"Fine, fine! We shall go investigate Darren's claim," Larten seethed, puffing in annoyance. "But if we discover nothing, then do not make me say I told you so!"
He stalked off, red cape billowing behind him in an imaginary breeze. Everyone stared after his abrupt departure for a moment, before shrugging it off.
"I need to get my cartography kit," Kurda mumbled, marching out. "There's a nice trail through the edge of the mountain that we could use..."
Seba followed him. "Maybe I should get another cleaner cloak from one of the stores downstairs... "
"Are you really sure a srad would be enough to take it down?" Vanez asked Gavner, punching him in the shoulder. Gavner snorted. "Of course. Provided you even know how to use that thing."
Vanez tackled him and they went flying outside the room. A startled yelp followed by a curse followed shortly after. Arra just shook her head as their footsteps and bickering chatter ebbed away.
Harkat burped and rubbed his tummy. "We're going...to regret...this," he remarked seriously.
Arra just shook off his morbidity and turned to look at Darren, who was pale and shaking.
"Up for the trip to see your furry friend, Master Shan?"
Darren whimpered. Arra grinned evilly. Boy, was this going to be a fun adventure.
-
Approximately three hours later, the entire entourage comprising of six irritable vampires, one mortified half-vampire and one hungry Little Person who had so far ingested two rabbits, one vole, half a caribou, one of Kurda's maps and two plastic pinecones were taking refuge in a waystation, thanks to the rampaging ice cold blizzard outside. Their trek through the snow had lasted for a measly half an hour – with Darren squealing and throwing himself under random bushes each time he heard the sharp snap of a twig or crunch of a snowball pelting the ground – before the snowstorm hit. Needless to say, no one was entirely thrilled.
And aforementioned fun quest was becoming a horrible nightmare.
"I told you...this was a really bad idea," Harkat moaned, wrapping his blue cloak tighter around his stout body.
Vanez sighed wearily. "We get it, Mulds. This is the two hundredth and seventeenth time you've been saying that in the past hour!"
Gavner's eyes widened. "You actually counted?"
"You got anything better to do in this dank hole besides counting the pebbles on the floor?" Vanez shot back, wrinkling his nose at the rancid smell of stale blood and soil. A flurry of hail and snowflakes drummed against the walls of the cave and Darren whimpered at the noise, sucking his thumb.
"I normally count the bottles of blood on the walls, but pebbles sound good too," the heavily scarred general replied, scratching the side of his forehead.
Vanez just groaned and flopped himself on the ground dramatically.
Kurda jabbed him with his pen. "Dammit, Vanez! Get off my map! I'm trying to work here."
"Like you can even see what you're drawing in the dark," Arra muttered blandly, before pointing at Seba several feet away, who was busy occupying himself by drawing smiley faces on the hard packed earth beneath them. "At least Seba's enjoying himself."
To prove a point, the older vampire grinned and shot them all a thumbs-up before resuming his scribbles. Arra sighed. Larten growled somewhere in the left end of the cave, muttering continuously under his breath. Darren whined from next to Gavner.
"I can't feel my toes," he moaned, trying to wiggle his numb digits. "Are they still there?"
Gavner frowned as he tried look at Darren's toes. But since it was pitch black, he stared in the opposite direction.
"Nope, I think they might have all fallen off."
Darren whinged further.
"Damn, I can't see in this!" Kurda gave a frustrated cry, scowling at the piece of paper he'd been mapping not too long ago. "Does anyone have a light?"
"I told you...this was a bad...idea," Harkat said ruefully, picking at his robe.
Arra rolled her eyes. "Good job, Harkat. Try sowing as much joy and cheer as you can. It strengthens the morale."
Harkat looked up, startled. "I try my...best."
Arra frowned. "That was sarcasm, Mulds."
"Oh."
After ten minutes of more disappointed sighs and irritated grumbles, Vanez finally had enough.
"This is ridiculous!" he groused. "Anyone knows how to build a fire?"
"But we don't have any wood!" Darren pointed out, before sighing. "We're all going to die here!"
He wailed dramatically and everyone fell silent, save Larten, who was still mumbling under his breath. Unlike the other members of their group that had all chosen to huddle next to each to conserve warmth, the supremely annoyed red haired vampire had opted to sit on the opposite side of the cave, as far away from anyone as possible.
A flash of lightning temporarily lit up the room, and nine pairs of eyes glimmered for a moment.
"Larten?" Vanez called out warily. "You know how to make a fire?"
A despondent curse that sounded like, "Damn you fudgeballs and that adamant snivelling assistant of mine to the deepest pits of Osca's entrails!" answered Vanez's tentative question and the Gamesmaster grimaced. Clearly he wasn't going to be of any help.
"Best to get this over and done with then," Kurda sighed and packed his maps up, accidently elbowing Gavner in the process.
"Dammit, Kurda! That hurt!"
The burly general shoved him back and he knocked into Arra, who more than readily socked him in the jaw.
"Oh, it's so on, Blondie!"
"Arra, wait-!"
But since she couldn't see well, she misjudged her blow and knocked Seba in the shin instead. The older vampire yelped and stumbled into Vanez, who'd shuffled out of the way and nearly squished Harkat.
"Can't breathe! Little...Person suffocating! HELP!"
Harkat stubbed his toe against one of Darren's knees and they tumbled over each other in a haphazard heap with Vanez landing over them, Arra mistakenly strangling Seba, Kurda trying to stop Arra from accidently killing an innocent bystander and Gavner charging into a nearby boulder.
"SILENCE!" Larten bellowed, flicking open a lighter and striking up a match. Everyone froze in mid-motion, their eyes wide and glazed over.
"You had a match all along?" Vanez asked stupidly.
Larten glared at him and he shut up immediately.
"I have absolutely had it with all of you," the irritated vampire ground out, lifting up the match higher. The back portion of the cavern lighted up and all the vampires gasped in unison as something large loomed right behind him, glowing red eyes boring holes into his unsuspecting back.
"This is a complete and utter waste of time! There is no such thing as an abominable snowman!" All the vampires gasped again and Darren lifted a single shaking finger past Mr. Crepsley.
"B-But, Mr. Crepsley! T-"
"NO!" Larten thundered, growling. "I REFUSE TO PARTAKE IN THIS RIDICULOUS QUEST ANY LONGER! ALL IT TOOK WAS ONE STUPID SUGGESTION THAT WE ALL GO SKIPPY-DEE-DOO OUT OF THE MOUNTAIN TO FIND A WHITE FURRY MONKEY-"
Darren shook and went whiter. "B-but-!"
"NO BUTS! IT WAS NOT MY IDEA THAT WE SHOULD ALL PARADE AROUND THE MOUNTAIN LIKE A BUNCH OF TROGLODYTES-"
"I didn't know he knew such big words, did you?" Gavner stage-whispered to Vanez, who nodded back dumbly in a mixture of horror and awe.
"-AND BY ALL MEANS, LET US ALL GO ON A WILD MAN-HUNT FOR A NON-EXISTENT MYTHOLOGICAL CREATURE WHO MOST LIKELY SMELLS LIKE A DISEASED SKUNK HAD HE EXIST-"
"But Mr. Crepsley, behind you!"
Larten paused and glowered at his trembling assistant. And all the trembling vampires on the opposite side of the room who were making the death touch sign.
"What are you talking about?" he demanded grimly, scowling.
Vanez inhaled deeply and blurted in the fastest voice he could ever muster, "I-think-the-abominable-snowman-is-standing-right-behind-you-and-he-looks-like-he-is-gonna-eat-you-because-you-just-said-he-does-not-exist-and-smells-like-a-rotten-skunk."
Larten snorted. "Vanez Blane, you're an idiot."
A loud roar resounded from behind the scoffing vampire and Larten went stiff, dropping the match. With an almost mechanical stillness, he turned around slowly and stared at two glowing red orbs that gleamed with hunger. A fork of lightning lit the sky outside, temporarily illuminating the dingy cave, the stricken vampires whimpering in the corner, a frozen Larten, and an extremely tall, hairy ape-like creature with serrated teeth.
The abominable snowman licked his lips and raised a taunting eyebrow at Larten. "Boo."
Larten's eyes rolled into the back of his head as he promptly fainted. All the vampires and Harkat screamed.
Within seconds everyone was scrambling to untangle themselves and run outside – "Yeah, like it's a hell lot safer out there with hail the size of meteor rocks showering down on you!" Kurda yelled, scooping up his maps and to which Gavner retorted with a, "Just shut up and run, Kurda!" – to evade the stomping man-beast when Arra reminded them that Larten was still lying unconscious on the cave floor and about to be eaten – "You go get him then! There's no way in hell am I going back!" Vanez shrieked and ran, hefting a petrified Harkat in his arms, bridal style – so she flitted back, hauled Larten on her back and zipped out before the abominable snowman realized his vampire buffet was missing.
Twenty three minutes and forty nine seconds later, the entire entourage was tired, drenched, bruised and battered. Convinced that the abominable snowman was no longer shadowing them, they finally flopped down on the snow, panting heavily.
"That...was...a...close...one," Gavner wheezed between his teeth. Kurda clutched a stitch at his side and nodded, red-faced. Vanez groaned and massaged his aching feet. Harkat didn't look too thrilled about being dumped headfirst into a thorny bush by Vanez. Seba chortled at their luck and began making snow angels. Darren was busy standing guard on top of a large rock, ready to signal the group should the snowman somehow find them. Arra ran her fingers along Larten's paper white face, roughly shaking him awake.
"Larten, wake up!" she hissed, slapping him senseless.
Larten groaned as he came to. "W-What happened?"
"You were nearly...eaten by the abominable...snowman," Harkat replied slowly, frowning as he tried to tug his robe free from the bush.
Larten moaned and massaged his throbbing forehead. Vanez echoed his frustrated sound and spat on the snow. Seba snarled at him and told him to stop spitting on his 'comfy white angel blanket'. Gavner just stared at them blankly and Kurda lamented the loss of two of his good maps. Harkat toppled over as his robe finally ripped free.
And Darren Shan, the only exhilarated vampire in the group, couldn't resist but punch a single triumphant fist in the air, much to the annoyance of everyone else.
"Hah! You see! I told you there's an abominable vampire-eating snowman outside the mountain!"
And he was promptly smacked in the face by a wayward snowball.
Well, he did try to warn them.
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A/N : Okay, I admit I hate the ending, but this chapter simply stretched too far. The next one wasn't even reaching the 1000 word limit. –SIGH- Anyways, hope it wasn't a waste of space, too much typo-filled and made someone out there happy for once. Oh yeah, and don't forget to drop a review! :D