Hilarity ensues in this totally awesome story that combines the crapfest of Twilight with four of the five TOTALLY AWESOME Team Starkid productions! (AVPM, AVPS, Starship and HMB). Beware this could turn out disastrous…
A new planet has been discovered by February, the head Schience Officer at the headquarters of the Galactic League of Extraterrestrial Exploration. This new planet is inhabited by strange, sparkling fairies called vampires; shirtless, tribal shifting-wolves; and thousands of screaming, hormonal pre-teens. It has been deemed the Planet of Twimania. And now the maniacs of Twimania are invading Earth! Join Commander Up, Taz, Tootsie, Mega-girl, Specs, Crayonder, Bug, and February as they battle against the Twi-hards and Wanna-be-vampires to save Earth once more!
Get Back to Hogwarts because the future is now!
"Drop down in 10…9…"
"Okay Idiotas! Here's how it's going to go!" Taz barked at her regiment. She was taking this new mission very seriously. "We're going to go to dis 'PLANET'" she mocked, using air-quotes, "and we are going to find da leaders. And we are going to make dem CRY like onions! Dey are invading EARTH! Dey are worse den las robatas!" she shouted, glaring at each one of her team members individually, to inspire them with fear.
"That's right boys and girls!" Commander Up walked slowly, up and down the line, having regained most of his macho-ness after defeating the mosquitoes with his heart. "Now go out there and die for something, or we will kill you for nothing!" he shouted, dispersing the group.
"Duhhh I'm confused," Tootsie scratched his head and smiled at his wife, oh how he loved saying that, his wife whose mechanical voice belted a 'ha ha ha'.
"Tootsie we will go to the planet of Twimania and crush them like bugs," she explained patiently.
"Hey!" Bug whined, while February looked absolutely offended.
"I am sorry Bug," Mega-girl smiled again and began to walk toward the launch pad.
"My spectrometer readings are telling me that we are near the planet, but I can't seem to get a good reading on what's going on down there," Specs pushed her glasses up and squinted at the piece of technology she had created.
"Whooooaaa! That's, like, de ja vu, man!" Crayonder laughed, remembering his first mission with his team. Those were the times. Getting stabbed, running from bugs, tucking Specs into bed… yes, those were the times.
"UP!" Taz growled. "What is dis? Who are dese little people in a tiny space ship?" she demanded, looking out the window of their ship to see two tiny crafts flying through the air below them.
"Taz, calm down," Commander Up held his arms up in defense. "There are two wizard schools that want to teach their students to fight by helping us," he blurted out, waiting for her fury.
"Oh, okay," she shrugged before turning around and stabbing him in his human side. "AHHHH! YOU LET LITTLE FARTS COME ON OUR MISSION?" she screeched as Up refused to cry.
"Taz, I- I'm sorry. They have a headmaster lion who can talk! How could I refuse? He let me pet him!" Commander Up began to tear up at the thought of the giant, fuzzy lion named Rumbleroar.
"Damn you and your big Giant Heart!" Taz muttered as she pointed her zapper down at the carriage and spaceship, just in case. "Take a walk off my damn knife," she growled. Just then a great booming sound was heard.
"What was dat?" Tootsie gasped.
"That was the sound of a high-tech jet breaking the sound barrier," Mega-Girl announced.
"That can only mean one thing!" Specs announced.
"WHOAH B MAN AND CAPTAIN MARVEL!" Crayonder pointed at the window as all the Starship Rangers cheered for the jet, containing the Dark Knight himself and his songbird super friend. The other super friends were along as well, zooming in the air: Spiderman, Superman, the REAL Captain Marvel, Green Lantern, Wonder Woman and many others.
"Up, what is dis?" Taz groaned.
"Well the superheroes wanted to help too! That B man is a nice looking young fellow, you know!"
"I don't care about dem. I meant that little yellow thing. Robin sucks!" Taz growled as the pod touched on the ground.
Meanwhile, the Hogwarts students (all dozen of them) were aboard a flying carriage in an air bubble, ready for their fieldtrip to Twimania.
"Headmaster Harry, are you sure this is a good idea?" Neville Longbottom stuttered as he watched the giant spaceship above them. Since Dumbledore had left Hogwarts to Harry, Harry had appointed himself Headmaster. It had been his brilliant idea to practice their fighting skills on pixie-vampires and young, brainwashed girls.
"Relax, Shlongbottom. This is going to be totally awesome, right Ron?" Harry wiggled his surf's up sign and performed his famous head-nod at his best friend, who was chowing down on a box of Chinese takeout.
"Uhhh duh! Come on Shlongbottom, get with the program! Take a snack and relax. Maybe there'll even be hot babes there," Ron grinned.
"Ronald!" Hermione scolded, taking a break from studying her books on the Starship Rangers.
"I meant for SHLONGBOTTOM, come on Herman, you know you're the only gal for me," he slung his arm across Hermione's shoulder; though secretly it was her bubblegum he was really after. She had the best bubblegum and she always seemed to share when they were kissing…
"Whoa, whoa! Ya'll! What is that?" Cho Chang looked up from her Muggle Magazine to point her perfectly manicured nail at a dinky little spaceship flying beside them.
"It says," Dean Thomas squinted and Seamus Finnegan rolled his eyes.
"Aye, mate, it says 'Draco's Butterfly Spaceship' except it looks like it was written in crayon, by a wee toddler," he pointed out and everyone took a few minutes to laugh at it.
"Wait a minute, did you say Draco? Like Draco Malfoy?" Hermione frowned.
"Oh my Rowling! Is Draco on that Spaceship? Remember him, Harry?" Ginny looked out the window eagerly before turning to stare adoringly at her boyfriend.
"Ugh not Draco, I hoped he died," Harry shook his head. What a bummer.
"Hey guys!" Lupin announced as he appeared out of nowhere, with a broom and Sirius Black.
"Whoa! Lupin, how did you get here?" Ron asked, admiring his shabby coat and Butter beer bottle.
"We apparated here," Sirius answered as he gave his godson a hug and ignored the stares of the other students.
"You can't apparate onto a moving target," Hermione pointed out snottily.
"You can if you have mad skills like I do," Lupin replied. "And also, we landed at twenty different places in space before we finally caught up with you guys," he coughed out, hoping no one would notice.
"Why did you decide to visit, I thought you were still on the run for peeing on the Hogwarts Express?" Harry asked, cocking his head to the side.
"I heard you guys were going to take a visit to my brethren," Lupin smiled excitedly.
"What?" Hermione started searching through her books for the meaning of his statement.
"Wolves! DUH! You are so dumb," Remus knocked her head a few times before she finally understood his meaning.
"Yeah, and I go where Remus goes, since we're both sort of homeless," Sirius shrugged nonchalantly.
"What about your family house…" Ron started.
"Kreacher and his elf friends have taken it over to have constant raves. My mum's painting likes them better than she likes me. It's best to stay away," Sirius replied hastily.
While they conversed and rejoiced over their reunion, Draco's Butterfly Spaceship held three passengers and was having a bit of trouble keeping up with the Starship Regiment.
"It's really too bad that not more of our classmates could join us," Luna sighed, swatting at the nargles around her head.
"What did those kids call it again? A suicide mission! Man, those Pigfarts kids are weird," Albus Dumbledore laughed. He wasn't all that excited about showing Harry Potter and the rest of Hogwarts that he was actually still alive, since it would mean revealing the closely guarded secret that Pigfarts actually existed on Mars. But he was dying to meet and study this Jacob Black that Umbridge had always fantasized about. The horrible creatures of Twimania had been invading Earth since Voldemort's return and now it was time to deal with them.
"HONESTLY, I am Draco Malfoy. I can handle anything," Draco rolled his eyes as he slid onto the floor into a perfect split, stretching.
"Awh, Malfoy you little shit, shut your mouth and grow a little," Dumbledore grumbled, leaning back into his chair and pressing play on his DVD of High School Musical: Special Edition.
"I believe that what Professor Dumbledore is saying, is that your loud voice is interrupting his character study of Zac Efron, dear," Luna translated with dreamy look in her eye. And then suddenly, with a jolt, the spaceship landed on Twimania.
"IDIOTAS! Let's GO!" Taz shouted as the doors opened and her regiment piled out, looking around in awe.
"It looks just like Earth," February scratched her head.
"Come on boys and girls, we're going to meet our wizard allies!" Commander Up led his men and women up to the carriage as the students piled out.
"Headmaster Potter!" Up barked, holding his hand out and glaring down at the boy that faced him. He looked to be only thirteen years old.
"Oh, dude, it's just Harry," Harry corrected, shaking his hand hastily before running a comb through his perfect hair and showing off his famous scar.
"That's a mighty fine scar you got there," Up complimented. "I could show you mine," he offered.
"Is it shaped like a lightning bolt?" Ron scoffed.
"No it's-
"Up!" Taz interrupted. "Dese are little kids!" she slapped his arm and rolled her eyes.
"Are you idiotas las wizards?" she glared at the group of mangy children as they were joined by three more people.
"DUMBLEDORE!" the Hogwarts kids yelled with a smile, pointing to their favorite wizard.
"Hey kiddies, so it turns out I'm not really dead!" he strolled up to the Starship Rangers and gave a wary glance at one of them, who was carrying a robot. That kid looked slightly familiar. In fact, a few of the Starship Rangers found themselves watching the students warily as they found something vaguely familiar about all of them. Bug watched as a redhead with a sweatband exchanged saliva with a frumpy looking frizzball of human hair. Taz had her eyes on a little blonde with a turned up nose and the distinct line of a diaper through his robes. Up glared at the man in the shabby coat who greatly resembled Junior, the bad guy of their last mission. He knew it wasn't Junior, because Junior had been devoured by Bugette's larva. But still… the resemblance was uncanny.
"Dumbledore, I'm not giving Hogwarts back," Harry insisted stubbornly, folding his arms and glaring at the man who he had respected and missed.
"Oh no, that's alright Harry. I don't want it back. I'm happy on Mars at Pigfarts, even if that little shit Malfoy thinks he owns the place," Dumbledore patted Harry and admired his handsome features before turning to the Starship Ranger core.
"I'm Albus Dumbledore, former Headmaster of Hogwarts and current chaperone for this field trip. I'm also the greatest wizard of all time, and a great fan of Zefron," he shook the hand of each Ranger before turning to his kiddies.
"Alright! I'm Commander Up and this is my team of highly trained experts from the Galactic League of Extraterrestrial Exploration. I'll let them introduce themselves," he stepped back into line as Taz stepped forward.
"I am Ranger Taz. You mess with me, I stab you. I am the proof that you don't need the balls to be tough," she glared at the wimpy redhead as he hid behind the ball of frizzy hair that was supposed to be a girl.
"I'm Head Shience Officer February and I'm in charge of the study of all the creatures. We don't want to harm any of the cute aminals, just the dangerous monsters!" she giggled as she wrapped her hand around Bug's.
"Eep buzz leek too-
"Oh sweetie, you need to speak human," February reminded Bug sweetly.
"Oh right. I'm Honorary Ranger Bug. I'm a bug, but I'm just as capable of getting the job done as anyone else on my team," he said proudly as everyone stared at him. Ron didn't like him. He looked like a spider.
"I'm Ranger Specs. I invented the Spectrometer which basically reads anything and everything you want it to. It's a handheld computer with intelligence," Specs peered through her glasses at the students, who pondered whether she was a girl or a boy.
"Like, hey dudes, I'm Ranger Crayonder, and I uh, I do ballistics I guess. So I get to blow stuff up," Crayonder grinned and Albus wondered whether or not he had any relation to the late Severus Snape.
"My name is Tootsie Mega-girl because where I come from, FARM PLANET, your first name is what you do and your second name is what you love. So I'm called Tootsie, on account of my occasional toot and Mega-girl, because I love her," Tootsie showed his wife off by twirling her.
"I am Mega-girl Unit Number 999999991, but you may refer to me as Mega-Girl. I will respond to that name. I cannot kill humans, but I'd like to. I hail to Astro Boy. I love Tootsie, my husband," she replied. The Rangers shuddered a little, because as cool as she was to have around, Mega-Girl still gave them the creeps.
"They've got a robot!" Ron whispered jealously.
"We've got dragons," Harry replied.
"And Hipogriffs," Sirius pointed out.
"Right well I'll do the introductions," Draco stepped forward.
"Uh no, Malfoy, Harry will do them," Hermione glared at Malfoy.
"So my friends and I are from Hogwarts, aka the best wizard school in the entire world-
"Can't be in the galaxy because then it would be Pigfarts," Draco coughed out before he looked around, feigning innocence. Harry rolled his eyes and continued.
"I'm Harry Freaking Potter, the coolest goddamn kid in the entire world. You are free to worship me. That hairball is frumpy Herman, but we love her so we call her Hermione. She looks kind of like a night troll, but she's the smartest witch for her age, so don't mess with her. The tall-dark-handsome-ginger is Ronald, my best friend in the entire world. He always brings the snacks, so don't insult him unless you want to go hungry. The gorgeous redhead in my arms is Ginny, my totally awesome girlfriend. She's kind of annoying sometimes and she isn't Cho Chang, but I love her," Harry slung an arm around Ginny as she nodded consistently, excited that she was dating Harry Potter. "Right and this tall brunette is super-mega-foxy-awesome-hot Cho Chang. I used to want her, but she's no fun now that her boy friend Cedric got killed by Moldy Shorts. The two goonies beside her are Seamus Finnegan and Dean Thomas aren't that important to the story, but they've got cool accents and sometimes I need them. Right guys?" Harry flashed them a thumbs up and they returned it gratefully. "Lavender Brown is Asian, Pansy Parkinson is an evil Slytherin and Crabbe and Goyle, who knows what their first names even are, have no purpose now that Malfoy has left the school," Harry pointed them all out nonchalantly. Who cared about minor characters anyway?
"These two strapping young men are Sirius Black and Remus Lupin, my dead-dad's best friends and wanted criminals. Sirius is wanted for murdering my parents, but he's totally innocent—no worries—and Remus is wanted for peeing on a train, but he's not homeless anymore so don't worry about that either," Harry patted the men on the back and grinned.
"And I'm Draco Malfoy-
"The littlest, half-house-elf shit in the world," Harry laughed, using a spell that pulled down his trousers, revealing his diaper.
"THERE WILL BE NO BULLYING ON THIS TRIP," Up announced with a growl. "He peepies like a big boy!"
"Umm okay, man that greatly resembles a more masculine Umbridge," Ron scoffed. Ron Weasley, not bully people? That was simply out of the question.
"Dude, that's not even possible," Harry pointed out. Umbridge was the most masculine of them all.
"Kiddies!" Dumbledore began, but was interrupted as B man's jet landed and five of the Super Friends waltzed over.
"Sorry we're late, we stopped to let Krypto out for a run," Superman smiled.
"And Robin needed to use the little boy's room," B man interrupted.
"STOP BULLYING. HE PEEPEES LIKE A BIG BOY!" Commander Up barked. Everyone stared at him, some afraid, some disgusted.
"This is gonna be a long mission," Bug whistled.