He was asleep, if you could call it that. His fingers, even on his metal hand, were clutching and thrashing violently. Guts never slept well at night unless he was near death with exhaustion. If it wasn't the monsters, demons, and the souls who could not let go of life plaguing him it was his own violent memories. Full of blood, pain, hate...
'Is that all I am?' He thought bitterly amongst his dreams. One person's face floated through the scenes of heartache and carnage. 'Casca...' He didn't think of her now, so innocent and free of any sovereignty. He missed the woman who stood up to him endlessly. Who made him think and fight differently. Who changed him the way he supposedly changed Griffith.
'Griffith...' The mere thought made his body thrash, veins popping up under scarred skin. Normally, the black swordsman terrified this changed Casca. No longer the second leader of the Band Of The Hawk, but more like a child. She had disappeared in the scary man's absence, wandering away from Erica and Rickert. She knew too little to be very scared, and she was almost comforted by the behemoth who had rushed to save her.
She should've been sleeping but she watched Guts' curiously. They had made a makeshift camp in a damp cave, demons and spirits edging ever closer. She gazed at him with wide eyes through a mop of black hair. She couldn't understand words, but she understood feelings. The man was sad, maybe hurt. She placed a finger innocently on full lips and watched him battle his dreams. Fearlessly, she inched forward on her hands and knees like a puppy.
She watched him for a long moment, tugging at the tattered cape he had loaned her when he found her.
'All you are is the pain and heartache surrounding everyone with you.' A voice in Guts' dream sneered. 'You are the cursed one bringing darkness and dismay everywhere you step. You made Griffith capable of what he did-' Guts' thrashed violently, scaring Casca a bit.
'NO! I am more than my misfortune. Griffith... Griffith made this choice! He did this... He...' It was becoming harder for Guts' to convince himself, even in his dream.
'Did Casca have a choice? Being ravaged at the gates of hell while you just watched. Then, maybe her choice is the eternal dream of being an invalid.' Even while dreaming, Guts' was trembling. 'You really think a demon such as yourself can protect her now? You couldn't then. You'd be better off without her and she would be better off in the eternal sleep of death.' Guts sighed, hating himself for not being sure if this voice was right.
'That can't be right... I love Casca, and I've never loved anything. She's the only thing that got me through...' Tears squeezed past his shut eye.
'And is that the Casca you even love?' Guts clenched his fist so tight blood dripped down his palm. She watched, her eyes doe wide and soft lips always puckered. Clumsily, she looked at his ragged cape. With a childish grunt she draped it over both she and Guts. He jerked awake snarling, thankful for his monster like reflexes. He stifled the growl and looked at Casca, confused.
She was just coming around to him and luckily didn't seem to comprehend the few seconds of danger. She blinked, gesturing childishly at the cloth. He panted, looking down at his cape and back at Casca. Faintly, he heard Puck snoring above him. Casca pouted cartoonishly, concentrating.
"G-Grauuu..." He knew he shouldn't get his hopes up but he wanted so desperately to hear his own Casca's voice. Warmth swirled in his stomach.
"Casca..." Against his better judgement he reached his callous hand toward her precious face, shocked when she didn't pull away. She just watched with large, slightly suspicious eyes. She cooed softly like a little dove as his rough thumb stroked her face. 'How... How? She looks so much like the Casca from those days, but...' He stared deeply into dark but blank eyes. 'No... She isn't. She looks just like her, what I long for, but...'
"Oooogh..." Casca almost moaned, striking a deep fear in Guts' heart. She was so innocent with the mind of a child and the body of a goddess. As he fought his own inappropriate thoughts he saw just how much more vulnerable Casca was than he realized. Gently, in her suckling lips she took Guts' rough thumb. A flame rose like bile in his stomach, making him see how he'd been longing for Casca's flesh.
"C-Casca..." The snickering voice returned to his head.
'She knows not what she's doing. Take her, take her body from her. Spill her blood and go after Griffith. Show him what a monster he created.' He growled to himself.
'I would never-'
'She's an idiot. She doesn't know enough to know that it's wrong-' Guts' stood abruptly, his heart feeling heavy when he sees it startled her.
"Sorry, Casca. You stay here." He returned his cape to her, earning confused babbling. "You sleep in here. I'll keep watch and make sure we're safe." He smiled softly and pointed along with his words. 'I'm sorry. I can't trust myself, Casca...'
"Gaaa-ugh..." He turned from her towards the mouth of the cave and fought the urge to look back.