I do not own these characters. Spoilage Warning. Insert into In the Clamor
and the Clangor.
Then The Silence
I.
The door closed.
They glanced up at each other. Shame, embarrassment, disbelief, all there. And adrenalin too. From the fight, from being caught by Reverend Skinner, from what he'd encouraged them to do, and then from remembering that she'd almost said--something, anyway.
And with that thought they both instantly glanced down and away. Luke aimlessly began to dig through his toolbox, sure that they were supposed to continue as if something had not almost been said. What's the point anyway?
Lorelai, however, was shaken, truly shaken, and this was not an everyday thing for her. She turned from Luke, walked away, and sat in the first pew. Lost in thought, eyes downcast, brow puckered, she puzzled and wondered. What had just happened?
Finally the silence between them stretched Luke's last nerve.
"Lorelai..." he began, though he hadn't really anything to follow this up with. Better to have said something, he guessed. He looked at her sitting there.
If she had heard him was anyone's guess. Her brow-frown deepened. Her gaze focused on nothing in particular. She was now officially beyond confused with herself. She was scared. Deeply buried ghosts were flitting about. Things she did not want to think about. Things that would not leave her alone.
Luke watched her, concerned now. An Angry Lorelai, A Self-Absorbed Lorelai, Mocking Lorelai, Sad Lorelai, Warm, Wicked-Witted, Chattering Lorelai, even Generous Lorelai-all these he knew. He knew how to respond to them, understood his role. This was new, uncomfortable territory: Who-the-hell was Quiet, Worried-Looking Lorelai? What had just happened?
"Lorelai," he tried again, still unsure of where he was going with this, "are you-"
"You know, Clyde" she finally looked up quickly, "Reverend Skinner's approval has taken all the illicit fun out of this caper" the joke was weak, her voice soft.
"Do you want to go?" he asked. Running-Away Lorelai was someone he did know "I can finish this myself. I've done it before, you know."
"No, no," she said as she got up and walked toward him, picking up the flashlight again. "I'll help. I'm no quitter. I'll see it through. Let it not be said that Lorelai Gilmore is a quitter."
"God, no one could ever say that about you."
"Good. 'Cause I don't quit. I keep right on going like that battery bunny."
"You are the most relentless person I've ever met" he agreed.
She looked him in the eye, serious, "I'm sorry about that. About it all. My Pit-bullishness, I mean -I think it must be some kind of single-mother occupational hazard."
"How so?" he asked as he handed her a wrench and turned to climb the metal spiral stairs of the steeple.
"I don't know. It was just us for so long, you know, me and Rory. I had to be stubborn to get us through, I suppose. You know, not just getting food on the table, but shelter and diversion..."
"Diversion from what?" he turned and looked at her over his shoulder before he began to climb.
She shrugged and looked away, "From the fact that we were alone, I guess"
He looked at her silently for a moment and thought about when she first came into the diner, young and frantic, Rory trailing along.
"I guess we all do what we have to do to survive," he finally settled on saying. Thinking they were finished, he turned to begin the climb up into the dark tower.
"Luke.." she called softly. Her tone made him turn to look and the tears welling in her eyes made him step back down to her. Her lip trembled slightly.
"Hey, what is it?" he asked alarmed by her change.
"Luke, we are friends..."
"Yes."
"Even when we're pissed at each other."
He sighed. "Sure."
"Well..." she began worrying her white hat and the flashlight in her hands.
"Lorelai, what is it?" He was trying to be patient.
"Luke, I don't think I could handle it if I disappointed you..."
"What? What are you talking about?"
"Because I do that a lot, you know, I disappoint people..."
"You never..."
"I mean it" Lorelai turned from him and walked distractedly to the window and looked out on the quiet flurries. "All the years I've known you, the friendship I thought we had..."
"We do have." he took a step toward her, trying to reassure away whatever it was.
"I just couldn't.. I don't know... Just couldn't..."
"Just couldn't what?"
"I just couldn't go too deep" she turned and looked at him again, tears down her cheeks now, willing him to understand.
But he didn't.
"Too deep? Lorelai, what are you talking about?"
"I am Blanche DuBois." she blurted.
"What? Who?"
"Blanche Dubois. You know, 'Streetcar--"
"Yes, 'Named Desire.' I know who Blanche DuBois is. Could you just tell me what the hell you're getting at?"
"Well, you know Blanche, she has failed at so much, let people down, and she seems so shallow-all flirty and chatty and charming--"
"Right." Luke was still confused.
"And she sincerely believes she's looking for love, I mean really believes it. But underneath, where she really is... Well, no light would shine there it's so dark. She's alone and scared sometimes and trying to make her way so she keeps everything on the surface... doesn't reach out, because then she might disappoint someone again. And, and...let herself down too, and her daughter..."
"Blanche DuBois didn't have a daughter."
"So sue me for artistic licence."
"Lorelai," Luke ran his hand over his face, trying to wipe away his exasperation, "What are you trying to say?"
Lorelai took a step closer to Luke. They were very close now. She looked up into his eyes.
"I'm Blanche DuBois and you were right." she said softly.
"I was right?"
"Yes."
"About what?"
"You don't owe me anything."
"Lorelai, I was angry.. You're always butting in.."
"I know. I do. I was wrong and I'm sorry."
"What?"
"You heard me," she smiled ruefully at his confusion. Poor guy. "I'm sorry and You Were Right, it's all none of my business."
"Ok." he said doubtfully.
Lorelai turned back to the window. A long quiet moment passing between them again.
"Luke, you don't really need me to be your Vanna White here tonight, do you?"
"My what?"
"You know-your Magician's Assistant? You don't really need me do you? And I don't have any sparkly tights or even a decent feather for my hair. You can't be a good assistant without the right costume."
"I thought we were Bonnie and Clyde" "We were but that was before I became Blanche Dubois and then Vanna White."
Luke sighed. "You want to go?"
" I need to, yes. I'm sorry"
"I thought you were no quitter."
"I'm not but Bonnie, Blanche and Vanna are."
"I see"
"I just need to go think , and-see- something -I'm sorry!" she thrust the flashlight into his hands and hurried out.
What the hell?
He heard the door close behind her then quietly turned to climb up the stairs to break the bells.
Again.
II.
It was only an hour or so of work to do the job properly. He remembered it taking longer twenty years ago, but he supposed the first experience had improved his timing the second time around.
He felt satisfied as he and, what did she call it? Bert? Strolled back to the diner. It was past midnight now. No point in going to Litchfield tonight. Nicole was taking depositions upstate for a couple of days, and besides he had an early bread delivery.
And then his thoughts returned to Lorelai where they'd pretty much been all day. He sighed. He'd never sleep tonight, damn her. What did she mean about being disappointed in her? She maddened him. She was the most complicated person he'd ever met. He was worn out just thinking about her. About them. And that Blanche thing-what was that? Was she trying to say that she was hiding something? What was below Lorelai's surface? What was she trying to hide? --'Dirty!' He heard her voice echo in his head.
He looked about the town square, noiseless and deserted, and felt he just wanted some peace in life. That wasn't much to ask, was it? Why did Lorelai always have to push him into such loud, noisy, arguing places.
He thought about the townhouse in Litchfield. Nicole had moved her things in from her apartment in Hartford. Now, Nicole's things could be called peaceful. Simple. Elegant. Like her. She'd had fun decorating the townhouse for them and he'd enjoyed watching her do it. Her Eames chairs and professionally-hung Chagall prints weren't exactly his idea of cozy, but they were uncomplicated. Minimal, he guessed they called it. His father's Mission pieces just wouldn't have fit in. Besides, as Nicole had pointed out, her cleaning lady had enough to do without having to dust all that wood, anyway.
"You choose the paint colors," she said smiling, wanting him to feel included and handing him a pre-selected assortment of paint chips, "It's your home now too."
So he'd looked at the grays and the ochres and beiges, but just couldn't choose.
And with that thought he looked up. And there she was again. Lorelai. Standing in front of his diner holding an enormous bright pink bakery box in her arms, wearing her red coat and silly puffy hat. Clearly she was waiting for him. She stared at him intently and he could see, even from across the street that though she was quiet now, she had been crying.
III.
Lorelai watched Luke and Bert cross the road to her.
"Hi."
"Hi. What are you doing here? It's late..."
"I know. I have something for you. Can I come upstairs for a minute?"
"Did you bring me a cake?" he raised his eyebrows curiously.
"No. Please, Luke?"
"I'm not making coffee."
"Ok. Ok."
Luke unlocked the door and walked in. He didn't bother with the lights as the street lights shone more than enough through the windows. He headed straight to the stairs at the back and up to his apartment never once looking back at Lorelai. He heard her following though. When he opened the apartment door, he flipped on the lights and walked to the closet to put Bert stop calling it that! away and shrug out of his coat. He turned back to her. She stood at the table holding her pink cake box.
"Do you want to sit down?"
"Um, no. I have something to give you."
Luke crossed and sat down at the small table opposite her.
"It looks like a cake."
"Well, it is a cake box-a double sheet to be precise, but there's no cake in it. Fran gave me the box years ago. It was the only kind that was the right size."
"What is it?" he was curious now.
"It's Cassandra," she stated as though this made it all clear. "I am giving you Cassandra. You and Nicole, that is. It is a wedding gift. For both of you from me."
"Lorelai, you don't have to.."
"I want to Luke," she said simply. She pushed the box across the table to him. "Open it."
Luke looked at her for a moment, then looked down and lifted the lid of the box. He peered in and caught his breath at all the colors within: red, purple, green, yellow, and every shade of blue imaginable, all on a white background.
"It's a quilt." he said looking up at her, suddenly remembering a similar one in the house when he was a boy. Where had that gone?
"Not just any quilt. This is Cassandra. She is a Double Wedding Ring Quilt. I made her. And I want you to have her. You and Nicole." Lorelai remained standing opposite him at the table. Her voice was even and sure.
"Lorelai, I can't, this must have taken hours of work..."
"Years." said Lorelai looking him in the eye.
"Years?" he said disbelievingly.
"Yep."
"When did you make it?" he asked, gingerly touching the folds of soft cotton.
"Her."
"When did you make her?"
"The first few years with Rory. When we lived in the garden shed at the Inn."
"It's beautiful," he said taking Cassandra out of her box and opening her up a bit on the table and looking at the intricate circles of color those must be the rings, "but I can't take it-her, she obviously means a lot to you. All that work."
"She does mean a lot to me. That's why I want you to have her."
"But why?"
"Because she is the best thing I ever made and the first time I didn't disappoint." Lorelai looked at him. He was perplexed. She sighed before trying to explain, "I had never made anything before, you know, of my own, except Rory, and she was pretty much God's work. Because I could never make anything as perfect as her on my own..." she looked down at her hands.
"Lorelai." Luke said and she looked up.
"Those first years were hard, you know," she continued, "and there we were in the garden shed with no TV, no books, and just a few toys. The housekeeper-her name was Ruby-do you remember her? Older lady with short gray hair?"
Luke shook his head no and watched her. "Well, she was great," Lorelai smiled at the memory of Ruby and then after looking at Luke again, walked quickly to the window, uncomfortable under his gaze.
She looked out on the still-falling snow. "Man, it's still really coming down." Luke was quiet, letting her take her own pace, knowing somehow that this was important.
"Well, Ruby took pity on us, me and Rory. So she taught me how to sew which is not exactly a rich-girl-from-Hartford kind of hobby, you know" Lorelai laughed a little at the memory.
"She had an old Singer machine she let me use. I started with Simplicity's Make a Skirt in 30 Minutes or McCalls' Learn to Make a Toddler's Sundress Sew Quickly! or whatever patterns I could get a hold of, but I sucked at it. Majorly sucked. Ruby was patient, though, and I had nothing else to do in the evenings except watch Rory sleep. Thank God she was such a good baby.
Anyway, Ruby would show me how to rip out the seams and start again. And I would. I would keep starting again until I had it. Then one day she heard me say how much I loved a quilt in one of the rooms at The Independence. And she said 'why don't you make yourself one'. So I tried. I got a book from the library. It was so hard and I didn't have good scissors. You need really sharp good scissors to cut the pieces just right- That was the first thing I bought when Mia promoted me to Manager-the most expensive sewing scissors I could find!."
"Sounds like you earned them."
"Well, anyway, I did it. It took two and half years for me to finish but I did. I named her Cassandra and got a box from Fran to keep her in. I thought that one day I'd know what to do with her.
When I got the house I put the box up in my closet. Sometimes, when things were hard-when Christopher left, or when Rory broke her arm.... I'd get the box down and lift the lid and look at Cassandra and remember that I hadn't let her down. I'd finished her, see? I missed the boat with Christopher. I failed to protect Rory. I broke Max's heart and ...and other things along the way. But I finished Cassandra."
"Lorelai..." Luke stood up and crossed to stand behind her at the window. He placed a hand on her shoulder. She turned to look at him, her eyes were still dry, he dropped his hand to his side. "I had no idea... I never thought you..."
"What? Thought I could be so crazy?" Lorelai smiled wryly and held his gaze. "Well, Luke, I am crazy-Remember Blanche DuBois?"
"Yeah, she was nuts." he replied dryly.
"But I'm not going off in a straight jacket tonight-I don't have the right shoes for that." Lorelai paused then reached down and took one of Luke's hands into both of her own "Come here." she said.
She led Luke to the sofa. They sat turned in to one another, knees touching, eyes locked. Lorelai sighed and began to talk, "I need to say something to you, Luke, and it won't be easy and I just need you to be quiet until I finish. All right?" Luke nodded and felt his stomach drop.
"A few years ago, we started this flirting thing. And I think you were attracted to me. I know I was attracted to you." she watched his eyes widen but he remained silent. "But I couldn't... I knew that if I let something, you know, begin between us, that you'd eventually, sure as shootin', be hurt and or disappointed in me." she squeezed his hand to ward off the protest she saw coming, "I don't know how I knew that, but I did and I was scared. Of you. Of doing that to you...."
"Lorelai..." he was shaking his head 'No'. "Shh. Let me finish." Not able to sit any longer, Lorelai stretched her long legs and wandered the small room, " I also knew there was something so special about you... I don't know, I just didn't want to lose you. And then it happened like I knew it would: Your attraction to me diminished, and your annoyance with me grew. I mean, let's face it: I drive you crazy, my eating repulses you..."
"That's not..." Luke stood angry now.
"You aren't following the rules here, Mister!" Lorelai turned and mock- scolded him, her hands on her hips.
"Just let me finish, Luke: See, I realized tonight when I went home to look at Cassandra, to try to feel better. I realized that I am jealous of you and Nicole. There it is: Plain as day. I am jealous and I didn't even realize it. Pretty stupid, huh? I'm sure the whole town knew. But I didn't. I know I've been ranting like an idiot at you about her, but I didn't realize until tonight what was going on with me..."
Luke walked towards her. "Lorelai, you were right about my being attracted to you but wrong about the rest..."
"Luke.."
"You have nothing to be jealous of. I am still here. I will still make your coffee.."
"For God Sakes, Luke, this isn't about coffee!" Lorelai raised her voice.
"Then what is it?" Luke asked
"It's about us."
"Us?"
"It's that I always thought there would be an Us... Someday. Even though I drove you crazy, even though I repressed it as deeply as I could... I just always thought... hoped..." She let the sentence die out when she saw the stunned look in Luke's eyes.
"Us? You wanted an us?" he repeated hoarsely.
"But I know now... I realized tonight that there won't be an us. However I feel, whatever stupid fantasies I may have, whatever you keep in this apartment, wherever you sleep ... it just doesn't matter, because you have moved on. I thought I had too, but it all just came back and bit me in the ass.....as usual.
Look, that's not really what I wanted to say tonight-all of that. I just wanted you to know that I will always be your friend. And if you need me to respect that you are sincerely making an effort with Nicole then I will. I will come to the diner and have coffee and joke and not nag you... because... well, I suppose because it is my problem-what I hoped or wanted, I mean. And, most of all." Lorelai paused here for a breath, "I am sorry."
"Lorelai, you never said anything..." Luke's shock was apparent.
"I know," whispered Lorelai, "I just didn't want to try and then disappoint you, and break my own heart and mess up Rory's world..." Lorelai had started crying now.
"I am so sorry, Luke. I will try harder. And... and... that's why I want you to have Cassandra... so you'll know that I don't always let everyone down."
"Lorelai, I don't know what to say... " And he didn't know what to say, or what to feel. He was absolutely baffled. Lorelai had wanted-Could still want him?! Is that what she had just said?
"Don't say anything. I want you to be happy. I truly do." and Luke saw that she was sincere. "If you want Nicole, then I wish you happiness and passion and butterflies when you look at each other. And I want you to have Cassandra too."
"But..."
"No buts, buddy, I am your friend and you are stuck with me. I will stay out of your life outside the diner. I guess I just needed to tell you the truth once and for all, but nothing needs to change between us."
And with that Lorelai walked over and kissed a stunned Luke on the cheek. "Get some sleep" she said, biting the inside of her lip so she wouldn't ask if he was driving to Litchfield at this late hour. "You'll see, I'll be good. Next week you'll see me and nothing will have changed, we'll be back to normal."
"Next week? Wh- What about tomorrow?" Luke was still at sea. Still trying to process what had just happened.
"Um, I think I'm going to need some time, Luke, you know just to, I don't know, try and integrate it all, I guess... But don't worry everything will be good, when I come back. I promise." And with that she tried hard to smile, almost making it in fact, and left.
And for the second time that night he listened to her leave: He heard her descend the stairs and go out the front door, leaving him alone in the silent room. He turned and looked at Cassandra on the table.
Everything the same?
IV.
And so it was a wakeful night for Luke and Lorelai.
Lorelai tossed and turned on her antique bed under the only other quilt she had ever made-a simple patchwork cut from Rory's outgrown baby clothes. She knew she should feel proud of herself for facing her feelings about Luke. It had been hard enough. She knew she should be glad for him and happy that they were both moving on. That they could be friends again. That they would have a safe place together in the diner, warm with the smell of coffee.
But all she could feel was a sense of loss. How could that be? She hadn't really known fully in the front of her brain what had been going on in her heart for Luke all these years. She'd known on some level, she guessed. She'd certainly been aware of the dance and shuffle she'd been doing with him, but had never let herself question it. It was only tonight that she had really acknowledged why she'd been dancing away from him, yet longing to hold on. What kind of future could we have had, anyway? I drive him crazy.
Luke, on the other hand, lay awake the few hours he had remaining until the bread delivery and reflected on what had happened. He supposed he should have been angry that he hadn't known of her feelings before tonight. His stomach should be churning with the emotion of the day, but he only felt an odd gladness, an odd sense of peace that he finally did now know the truth from Lorelai.
He hadn't been crazy all these years. He wasn't just some out-of-her-league diner guy who she teased and flirted with for coffee. She had cared, does care. And he smiled in the dark at that thought. To be wanted by her. That was something. To be wanted by Lorelai. What he felt beyond that he wasn't going to examine right now, plenty of time for that later. He was just going to enjoy the quiet glow in his heart.
With that he got up, walked across the room in the moonlight and picked up Cassandra from the table. He lifted the quilt to his face and fancied he could smell Lorelai in the cool cotton. He smiled again and went back to bed for an hour before delivery time with Cassandra the Double Wedding Ring Quilt tossed over him.
Lorelai had wanted him.
*************************************************
As she had said that night, Lorelai didn't come into the diner that week at all. He overheard through the grapevine that she was working nonstop at the Inn. She'd apparently decided to paint all the public rooms herself to save money. He heard as well that Sookie was home with a sick Davey, so he knew she must be working pretty hard on her own.
He also knew that Lane Kim was staying for a while with Lorelai after Mrs. Kim had thrown her out. Lane enthused about her life with Lorelai when they had down time during her diner shifts. She told Luke that 'Lorelai really listened to her and understood what she wanted' and that she 'tried to help' but 'wanted her to keep the lines of communication open with her mother'. Luke just nodded and listened, glad that Lane had someone there for her, but all the while hoping for more information about Lorelai herself.
And then Monday morning, strangely early, an exhausted looking Lorelai came into the diner and asked for four cups of coffee to go, two chocolate doughnuts with sprinkles, and a ham sandwich on sourdough.
"Ooo! Also a bag of chips!"
"Who are you feeding?" Luke asked smiling at her, glad to see her again and concerned that she looked so tired at once.
"Just me. I'm painting at the Inn again today and need all my energy to get through." She had trouble fully meeting his gaze but smiled over-brightly anyway.
"It must be freezing out there. Have you got any heat or electric yet?" he asked packing up her order.
"I wish!" Lorelai plopped on a stool at the counter to wait. "None of that is fully hooked up yet. But I've got to finish the walls before the guy comes to refinish the floors a week from Friday. Sookie can't help, so I'm on my own. I can only work until the light starts to really go around four thirty... So I better get going. Here--" she handed him some money with a smile. "Keep the change"
And so it went the same every morning for a week, their exchanges getting a little less awkward, a little warmer, a little more playful each day.
But Luke and Lorelai never spoke of anything beyond the diner or the Dragonfly. They certainly didn't talk about Lorelai's revelation, or Cassandra, or Luke's marriage, or anything about how anyone felt. On all this they just held their peace.
This was Stars' Hollow, however, so they still found out a great deal about what was going on with the other.
Neither gossiped. Each merely kept their eyes and ears open when they could. Luke saw Lorelai and an over-dressed, chinless, dark-haired guy laughing in the ice-cream shop on Thursday evening. He watched briefly through the window as they shared an elaborate sundae. Outside, he saw a parked convertible. Jeez, this is Connecticut, for pete's sake.
Then the next day he heard from Babette that there had been a big shouting scene at Lorelai's home later that same evening with her parents. Luke wondered what her parents were doing in Stars' Hollow. He knew it must have been pretty bad when she came in by herself for a hamburger Friday evening. But he kept his mouth shut.
And Lorelai heard from Kirk about the yelling in the upstairs apartment at the diner Saturday night, and that Nicole had then run downstairs, past the tables and left. She also knew from Miss Patty that Luke no longer seemed to be making the drive to Litchfield.
Sure, she wondered about it, but when she went in for her usual order Monday morning, she said nothing.
And then, come Wednesday, Lorelai didn't come in at all, or Thursday either. He knew her painting deadline was the next day, so maybe she was just working through. But her absence nagged at Luke as he wondered what was going on, where she was, what she was doing.
And he only grew more frustrated throughout the morning when all his usual sources of information were dry. He couldn't even ask Lane anything directly this time because he'd given her the week off for her mid-terms at the Community College.
Damn.
He grumped through the lunch rush, looking up expectantly whenever the door jingled open. But no Lorelai. Finally, he'd had it. You're not getting any younger, Danes. Just go check on her.
And so he did.
He thought he'd check at her house first rather than the Inn because it was the shorter drive. Maybe she took the day off, he thought. She's probably just tired from the painting and decided to rest-watch movies and eat junk food. Whatever her reason, he'd had enough of the all quiet on the Lorelai front.
So when he pulled up to her house, he was very glad to see her jeep parked in the drive.
He stopped the truck and got out, noticing that her friggin' walk still hadn't been shoveled.
He crunched up the path and wondered at the odd nervous feeling tingling about him. He tried to shake it off and reached out to ring the bell.
A few moments later Lorelai opened the door. She stood before him in tight gray knit pants and a pink silk thermal shirt. He stared for a second, his mouth slightly agape.
"Oh, my God! What the hell happened to you?" He barked at her .
V.
"Well, nice to see you too, Prince Charming" Lorelai's smile was a little weak "Come on in, it's cold out." She turned and walked to the archway leading to the living room then turned and faced him again,
"Take your coat off." Luke dutifully unzipped his green coat but then let his hands drop.
"Lorelai, what happened?" Luke looked in horror at the large bandage taped over Lorelai's left temple and the purple and black bruised eye below it.
"Would you believe that it was a trapeze accident?"
"Lorelai..."
"I mean that sounds pretty cool, right? That I was trying to catch this guy after he did a triple roll and...."
"Lorelai, please, what happened?"
"All right," Lorelai pretended to pout, "Come on in and I'll tell you." They walked into the kitchen and Lorelai poured them each a cup of tea. Luke remained standing, too surprised by her appearance to notice much else.
"Well?"
"Well, Ok: I fell off a ladder. Happy now?"
"What? No! You fell off a ladder?" Luke was belief challenged here. Why does this stuff only happen with her?
"Yeah. I was rushing to finish the Honey Room..."
"The Honey Room?"
"Yes, this is so cool: We are naming all the rooms at the Dragonfly after the colors we've chosen... So there's the Honey Room-it's a really pretty gold color, and the Rose Room, and the Peapod Room, and the..."
"Lorelai, what happened to your face-I mean, how did it happen?"
"I'm trying to tell you! Yesterday I was finishing the second coat in the Honey Room and I was really tired but happy that I was ahead of schedule. Anyway, I don't know, I kind of tripped and fell off the ladder and hit my head."
"Oh, my God...."
"Well, luckily the electrician guy came by and found me..."
"Found you?"
"I'd hit my head. It knocked me out. So this guy finds me in the Honey Room and calls 911"
"They took you in an ambulance?" Luke is aghast at what he is hearing.
"Yep. Nine stitches, a black eye, and a mild concussion. Not to mention the ruination of my favorite Hello Kitty painting sweatshirt."
"Huh?"
"Head wounds bleed a lot." She told him matter-of-factly, a twinkle in her good eye.
"Oh, Jeez!" Luke did not want to hear that.
"They kept me over night because of the concussion-'cause I had no one here to watch me, and now I can't even have coffee for two more days! The bastards!" Lorelai crossed her arms over her chest and looked dark at the thought.
Luke felt his knees go a little weak and so pulled out a chair at the kitchen table and sank into it.
"Are you sure you're all right?"
Lorelai smiled warmly, sat down opposite and tried to reassure him. "Yes, Luke I'm fine. I have a helluva a headache, and I can't drive for a few days but I'm fine."
"Wow..." he breathed.
"I know." she smiled again and reached for a pill bottle in the middle of the table, popped the cap and swallowed one of the capsules with her tea. "You didn't bring any coffee with you, by any chance?" she looked at him hopefully.
"You just said that you can't have any " he protested.
"You can't believe anything I say, I am under the influence of drugs!" she countered dramatically while rattling her little bottle at him.
He smiled at her. "Thank God, you're all right"
"Thank God I got Kirk to finish up the Honey Room before the floor refinisher comes tomorrow" she sighed into her cup of tea. And suddenly Luke saw how tired she was. And pale.
"Does it hurt a lot?" he asked.
"Not as much as it did yesterday. You're very sweet to care, Luke. Thanks."
"Well...sure" Luke glanced away awkwardly. "I do care, you know."
"Yep, I just grew on you like a little fungus didn't I?" Luke merely rolled his eyes. "Oh, and Rory doesn't know, yet. She's got her last two mid-terms today and this evening, and I don't need her freaked about something she can't do anything about."
"All right but she's gonna be pissed when she finds out you didn't tell her earlier."
"I know."
So then they sat for a moment in the still kitchen and just smiled at each other, sipping their tea. It was nice.
"Is there anything I can get for you?" Luke finally asked.
"Coffee?!" she pleaded.
"No way." he laughed getting up. "I should let you rest."
"Yeah, I'm starting to feel that pill already." Lorelai stood and stumbled slightly, proving her point.
"Hey, steady there," he grabbed her arm and helped her regain her balance.
"Thanks."
"You didn't drive yourself home from the hospital, did you?" he asked as he helped her walk to the sofa in the living room.
"Nah, Lane's at her cousin's this week, so I called Babette" she leaned over and started to arrange the afghan into a nest for herself.
"Why didn't you call me, Lorelai?" Luke asked quietly. Lorelai looked up at him sharply.
"Luke, it was yesterday evening. I assumed you'd be in Litchfield. I didn't want to bother you there. I don't even have that number. Besides I was just so out of it." she told him truthfully.
"I wasn't in Litchfield" he paused and looked at her, "Nicole and I broke up" he paused again and quietly added "So you could have called me."
"Oh, Luke, I am so sorry" and she was.
She blinked back tears as she looked up at him and then gulped a little and slid both her arms under his coat and around his waist. She hugged him close, leaning her cheek on his chest. "I really wanted you to be happy."
Luke wrapped his arms around her back and closed his eyes and sighed, sharing his warmth with her, breathing her in.
"Yeah, well, you were right all along, and so was she; I just couldn't commit to her the way she wanted. The way I want for myself."
"Then you did the right thing" she told his chest softly.
"I know."
They stood quietly this way, comforting each other, until their peace was shattered by the ringing telephone.
VI.
They listened together as her message played.
'This is Lorelai, mother of a brilliant and beautiful Ivy League college student-Did you hear that? My daughter goes to Yale! But I'm not in right now for you to congratulate me, so please leave a message at the tone. Thank you!'
"Lorelai, this is your mother." They heard. " Lorelai? Pick up! Lorelai, it's about your grandmother..."
Lorelai lunged for the phone.
"I'm here! I'm here! What happened?
-Oh my God. When?
-Yes, yes, right away. I'll get over right away.
-Ok
-Mom, you haven't called Rory yet have you?
-Good. Don't...
-Of course she does, but she's got her last two mid-terms today and she's completely stressed.
-Yes, yes, thank you for understanding. And, Mom, tell dad... Well,
tell him I'm coming. Ok?
-'Bye.
Lorelai turned back to Luke who stood behind her listening.
"What happened?" he asked as Lorelai walked to the staircase and sat on the bottom.step, her head in her hands. He moved quickly to sit next to her.
"My grandmother died."
"Oh. Lorelai, I'm sorry."
Then suddenly, "I have to go to Hartford!" Lorelai jumped up and clumsily climbed the stairs, Luke followed.
"Lorelai, you are hurt and drugged, you cannot go to Hartford, now."
"Luke, I have to." she said simply.
"All right," he sighed "then I'm going to drive you..."
"Luke, you don't need to..."
"You think I'm going to let you drive like this?" He watched as she stumbled around her room looking for something to wear. "All right! Fine! Thank you! Now turn around!"
"What?"
"Turn around, I have to get dressed and I think I've bared myself enough to you this month.."
With that she whipped her thermal shirt over her head and threw it on the bed. A very surprised Luke found himself staring at Lorelai's chest clad only in a thin white camisole edged in lace. She smiled slightly at his shocked face despite herself.
"Turn around!" she commanded.
He complied.
"Now you'll never buy the cow." he heard her mumble.
VII.
It was snowing lightly but still the drive to Hartford was slow. Luke drove Lorelai's jeep. He watched out of the corner of his eye as she lamely fought the effects of the pain pill, alternately nodding off, then seemingly remembering where she was with a jerk to wakefulness.
"Lorelai, why don't you just sleep. I know how to get to your parents' neighborhood."
"How do you know that?" She asked.
"Because there is only one neighborhood in Hartford where the Gilmores would live."
"Oh, right." she frowned "Luke, I want to apologize ahead of time for anything awful my parents may say or do."
"Lorelai, there is no need."
"I'm too tired to argue with you about it right now."
And a silence hung between them until Lorelai broke out of her reverie .
"Poor Gran." "Were you close?"
"God, no-- She was quite the battleaxe! But she was, you know, impressive. You just had to admire her and the life she led-- plus the added bonus that she drove my mother absolutely nuts-Now that was always fun to watch!"
"Your father's mother?"
"Yeah. Poor Dad. He absolutely adored her. He called her Trix."
"Trix?" Luke looked amused.
"Yeah, I know-the mysterious ways of the inbred rich! We just gotta have our stupid nic-names-Just ask Dubya. Gran lived in Paris for most of my life and then I left home so early, so I rarely saw her. But she gave Rory and me our blue eyes."
"Well, too bad we can't all thank her for that now," Luke said, only slightly sarcastic.
Then Lorelai brightened at a memory, "Every once in awhile, through the years, I'd get some inexplicably wonderful package from Paris-never any note, though-just some odd or fabulous thing she'd found along her way: One time it was the monkey lamp, another time diamond earrings for me and an old volume of Voltaire for Rory-just sent through the regular mail! How do you think she knew to send those things to us, Luke?"
"I don't know, Lorelai."
They were silent again after that and Lorelai leaned back into the seat and fell asleep. Luke stole sly glances at her as he navigated the road. She was beautiful even bandaged and with a black eye. It was warm in the jeep, the snow continued to fall. It felt good to have her asleep next to him.
************************************************
Lorelai felt a shake on her shoulder.
"Five more minutes, Rory..." she mumbled, trying to turn away.
"Lorelai, I need you to tell me where to go from here.... Lorelai!' Another shake. Why did her head hurt so much?
"Lorelai, your grandmother..."
And with that she was awake.
"Oh, Luke, right, sorry..." she rubbed her eyes, wincing when she touched the left, " Um turn right here...." Within a few minutes they were parked in front of the Gilmore residence.
"Wow. This is where you grew up?"
"Yeah. Quite the mausoleum, huh?"
"It's beautiful" said Luke, noting the graceful old architecture.
"Yeah, it is" Lorelai agreed.
They got out and walked to the door, Luke taking Lorelai by the arm. He did not like how she couldn't seem to walk in a straight line. And how distracted she seemed. They got up to the front door and Lorelai leaned in to ring the bell.
"You have to ring the doorbell at your parent's home?"
"Yeah."
And suddenly Luke began to really think that her stories of childhood and home weren't such exaggerations after all.
The door was opened by a maid in uniform.
"Yes?"
"Hi. I'm Mrs. Gilmore's daughter."
"Please come in. You have my condolences, Ms. Gilmore."
"Thank you."
After the maid took their coats, Luke followed Lorelai to the living room. He tried not to stare, but it was tough. Jeez, who lives like this?
Emily Gilmore arose from one of the Queen Anne settles. She was dressed in black.
"Lorelai, My God, what happened to your face?"
"Hi Mom.. Nothing, I fell at the Inn. I'm fine."
"You don't look fine. How did you fall?"
"I just did Mom, don't worry about it. Where's Dad?" Lorelai looked around the room.
"He's in the study, on the phone with Uncle William. Lorelai, how did you fall?" Emily Gilmore used a tone that brooked no fooling around.
Lorelai sighed and looked at her mother, " I was on a ladder doing some painting and I fell off and hit my head."
"When did this happen?"
"Yesterday."
"Yesterday. I see. And you didn't think to call me?"
"Well, I was so out of it and then I had to get stitches and they gave me drugs..."
"You were in the hospital?" barked Emily.
"Just for the night." Lorelai looked at her mother's face, "Look, Mom, I know it's upsetting to look at, but I'm really fine now. It was just an accident. I should have called you, I know, but I'd hardly got home when you called about Grandma."
"Lorelai, I did not raise you to climb ladders and paint things. That is something you hire people to do for you."
Oh, boy thought Luke who'd remained unnoticed at the living room entrance.
"Mom, I do a lot of things you didn't raise me to do!" Lorelai's patience had run out. Her head hurt.
"I'm certain of that!" snapped Emily "Just once do you think you could be responsible?"
"I was being responsible," yelled Lorelai in exasperation "I was doing my job!"
"Lorelai, don't yell at me! You are not a construction worker! You are the proprietor of an Inn, and if you want to receive the right kind of clientele you need to behave appropriately. Why do you always have to be so exasperating?..and..and...."
"And what, Mom?" Lorelai asked, knowing what was coming.
"And, disappointing! You should be more. You should have more in your life. All you seem to want is.." "Is what?" asked Lorelai.
"All you want is, I mean are, are-- hamburgers and good times and God knows what else!"
"I like hamburgers, Mom. They make me happy."
"Well, maybe you should think less about your happiness and more about what you should be-that is why you are so damned disappointing!" Emily pronounced.
"Mom, what should I be? Huh? I mean since you've got all this figured out, what should I be?"
"An adult, Lorelai-not a selfish child. You didn't even think to call me from the hospital, did you? No, you did not. You did not even think about what the repercussions of sleeping with your father's business partner would be, did you? I doubt it. You know, Lorelai, you pretend that you are independent, but what you are is just selfish."
"Don't forget disappointing." added Lorelai.
And a cold quiet filled the room for long minutes while the women glared at one another.
And now Luke saw. Now he knew.
Lorelai took several deep breaths before she spoke, I am not playing this today, "Look, Mom, let's not argue about my failings right now-they aren't going anywhere, I promise. We are both upset and exhausted and I feel like a buffalo just shuffled off somewhere on my head. We have other things to focus on right now... Now, when exactly did it happen?"
Emily sighed and looked away. "Early this morning in her sleep, as best we now know. Westin went in to bring her breakfast and found her. I was out shopping and your father was out at a meeting, so it took awhile for the old fellow to contact us."
"Oh, poor Westin" said Lorelai thinking about the wrinkled, smelly butler who'd been with the elderly Lorelai for decades.
"Think, 'Poor Your Father' instead. Westin will have a fine retirement in Florida on your grandmother's dime."
"Ok," Lorelai took another calming breath, "How's Dad doing?"
"How should I know?" Emily turned and paced around the room, idly fussing with flowers, "He's completely stoic and silent. He never tells me anything. He's just been calling family member after family member for the last hour." She turned to look at Lorelai again, "Your face really does look awful, Lorelai." Lorelai chose to ignore this, Luke was impressed, "What can I do, Mom?"
"Well, I've divided a list of calls between us. So, if you could make some on your cell phone, I can use the second house line. The phone numbers are all written down. The funeral is tomorrow at two at the cathedral in Manhattan. We'll need the right flowers-and only Mr. Sandoval can do that, and the caterers for when people come back here after the cemetery... and the headstone needs re-carving.. Well, anyway, you'll see-here's your list." Emily handed Lorelai a sheet of paper from her immaculate writing desk in the corner.
Lorelai nodded, then regretted it-the shaking hurt. "Ok, I'll go upstairs to make the calls but I'll wait to call Rory until after her mid-term tonight" She picked up her handbag and stood to go.
"Excuse me, Mrs. Gilmore?"
Emily whirled, surprised to see someone else in the room.
"Good heavens! Luke, what are you doing here?"
"Lorelai isn't allowed to drive I brought her."
"Oh, I see," Emily looked confused but immediately retreated into her finely honed hostess mask, "Well, I'm very grateful to you for doing that, Luke."
"I was glad to. But, you see Lorelai is on some pretty heavy medication right now..."
"Oh?" Emily turned to look at Lorelai.
"Luke..." Lorelai warned.
Luke ignored her "She's supposed to be resting."
"Oh, I see."
"I'm fine, Mom. Luke, it's not going to kill me to make some phone calls and then I can rest. Come on, we're going upstairs." She walked as briskly as she could past both, anxious to get out of the discussion.
Luke followed her "Lorelai, you should be in bed."
Lorelai shot him a look over her shoulder.
"No! That does not warrant a 'Dirty'!" Luke fired back as they climbed the stairs.
"I guess you're right" Lorelai shrugged and frowned "I must be slipping. Come on you can help me with these calls."
Luke followed her into a room at the head of the stairs. What he saw stopped him. "What's this? Mary Poppins World?"
Lorelai laughed hard, for the first time in weeks, or so it felt, tears coming to her eyes "No, this is my girlhood room: My virginal resting place!-for as long as that lasted, anyway."
Luke smiled.
She gave a sweeping dramatic gesture about the room, " Don't you think it's me?" She batted her lashes prettily-well, prettily on the right side, anyway.
Luke looked at the polished furniture and lace, and the perfectly fragile bits and pieces staged about the room, and then thought about the cozy mess that was Lorelai's home now; the broken hinges and crooked doors, the cartoon characters, the ever present pile of scarves and hats -the way the light always sort of glowed there. He thought about Cassandra at home on his bed.
"Um, No I don't" he replied.
Lorelai smiled, slipped off her shoes and climbed gingerly, careful of her head, onto the big bed, dragging her handbag with her.
"Your head hurting?" he asked.
"Yeah. Come on, sit here with me," she patted the bed next to her.
Luke looked doubtfully at the silk coverlet.
"Come on, beds don't bite, only people do, besides it's fun to mess it up- Ooo! Now that was 'Dirty!' "
Luke rolled his eyes and sat next to her.
Lorelai handed Luke the list and pulled her cell phone out of her purse. He ran his thumb over Emily's engraved monogrammed letterhead.
"Luke, do you have the time to be here right now?"
"Yeah, with all the snow it'll be slow until after the high school football game gets out, then all the kids will walk over-Ceasar can handle it until then."
"Are you sure? Do you want to call? Or leave?"
"I'm sure. Let's start this list."
So they sat side by side on the bed making calls to Emily's select florist (cream lilies were going to be a challenge-but Mr. Sandoval would go to any length for Mrs. Gilmore), the wine delivery people, distant cousins... The list went on. Finally, as the light darkened outside, Luke looked down and checked off the last call on their list.
"There, that's the third cousin in Houston done... Lorelai?" He looked over but she was asleep.
Luke smiled and watched her for a moment. He then carefully extricated himself from the bed and put his boots back on. He put her handbag, list and phone on the table next to her, then reached down and pulled the cover over her. It was soft and light and she looked peaceful and quiet. His stomach lurched a moment when he thought about her lying unconscious and bloody in the unheated Inn all alone. Maybe I could help her with whatever next project she tries.
He felt the odd urge to kiss her forehead which changed the feeling in his stomach to a kind of tingle. In the end he decided not to, it might hurt her and or wake her and, well, he wasn't really prepared to think about any other consequences of that particular course of action right now. He left her room quietly and went downstairs.
Once back on the ground floor, Luke observed Emily and Richard conferring over some legal looking papers in the living room. They looked up when he entered.
"Luke," Richard stood and approached him, his hand out-stretched, "I understand that I have you to thank for bringing Lorelai here today. Her mother and I really appreciate it."
"I was happy to do it, Richard" Luke shook his hand, "I'm sorry for your loss."
"Thank you. Thank you. No matter how old... Well, you just never think your mother is going to actually die, do you?" Richard's eyes glazed a bit.
"No, sir, you certainly don't."
"Are you close to your mother, Luke?" inquired Richard.
"I was," Luke swallowed, "She died when I was eleven and I'm sorry to tell you that it's something you never quite get over."
"Yes, well, I'm sorry too," Richard cleared his throat.
"Luke, can we offer you something to drink-or perhaps you'd like some dinner? I'm afraid our normal schedule is a bit off today." Emily tried to smile graciously.
"No, thanks. I need to get back to work."
"Of course" Emily smiled weakly again and stood to show him the door, "Thank you so much for all your help again."
"Mrs. Gilmore-"
"Emily, please."
"Emily, I'm a little worried about Lorelai. She's asleep now but I know she needs to take her medication again in two hours-a pain killer and an antibiotic. And, I don't think she's eaten today-so maybe some soup and toast..."
"Of course, I'll see that it's brought up to her when she's awakened in two hours."
Luke was relieved, "Thank you, Emily. She wants to call Rory at 9:30. I'm afraid I'll have to take her jeep now..."
"That's all right, young man," Richard clapped him on the shoulder as they walked to the door, "We'll take care of her, and Rory will be here later too-I'm going to send a car for her after her exam."
The maid handed Luke his coat, Luke said his farewells and went out into the night and back to Star's Hollow.
"Emily, I like that young man. It's good to know that Lorelai has a friend like that."
"He overheard Lorelai and I argue."
"Oh? Well, he seems concerned for her well being."
"Yes, he does." said Emily thoughtfully "I believe he's in love with her."
VIII.
Luke didn't see Lorelai for several days. He'd sent flowers to the family (he'd been brought up right) but didn't feel comfortable attending the funeral. He read about the elaborate proceedings in the newspaper, though.
Lorelai's grandmother was of course quite rich and, befitting her age and class, thrifty and philanthropic at once. Luke shook his head in wonder: Lorelai had left all that. On purpose. Most people in the world would do just about anything to have had her potential life, but she gave it up for Rory and Stars' Hollow and, well, he guessed, because she didn't want to disappoint anyone ever again.
The following Tuesday afternoon, he filled a to-go cup of coffee and walked to her house. The snow was melting and a kind of icy gray rain was falling. Maybe it'll be an early spring.
He rang her bell. She opened the door, wearing jeans and a tight blue sweater, her feet in shearling boots.
"Hi." he said
"Hi. Come on in" said Lorelai. She turned back into the house and he followed, shrugging off his coat and hanging it on the hall rack on his way behind her into the living room.
"Sit down," she said.
They sat together on the couch and he looked over at her. The bruise on her eye was essentially gone and the bandage over her forehead was smaller. Good.
"How are you doing?" he asked, still holding the coffee in his hands.
"Fine." said Lorelai not looking at him.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"Lorelai?"
"Well... it's just that I thought after everything you did for me the other day, that you'd come to the funeral, that's all." said Lorelai quietly.
Luke looked closely at her: She didn't seem angry, just sort of quiet and disappointed.
"Oh" he said.
"I mean I know you're busy and all..." Lorelai got up and walked into the kitchen. Luke followed her. She went to the sink and looked out the window.
"I didn't know you wanted me there." He looked down at the kitchen table between them and saw that it was piled with different fabrics in varying shades of blue; one with tiny books printed all over it, another with small cups of coffee, a third with little brown stacks of pancakes, melting butter pats on top.
"Luke, I always want you there," She said simply, turning and looking at him.
He looked up at her "Lorelai..."
"Ok, fine, I get it: I was in trouble so you helped me out, but now that the crisis is over, we just go back to being 'diner friends'. Is that it?!" Lorelai's voice was strident now.
"What? No!.. I mean.."
"What, Luke? What do you mean?" Lorelai challenged.
"I'm here now. With coffee" he lifted the cup for her to see.
"Oh." Lorelai felt a little defeated
"Could we talk about this?" sighed Luke.
"I don't know, Luke. Can you talk about it?" Lorelai asked.
"What does that mean?"
"It means that I can babble, and bare my soul. and... and.. take off my shirt, and admit difficult things and fall off stupid ladders all for you to see. I mean right there in plain sight! But you've never, ever told me anything from your heart. And even if it's 'Gee, Lorelai you've got a great ass in a tight pair of jeans, but you're way to crazy for me-- Can we just be 'diner friends'?' Then fine I'll accept it and move on, but, God, Luke, what, What goes on inside of you? 'Cause I really want to know."
Luke looked at her and blinked.
"I swear to God, Lorelai, you are a like damned roller-coaster!" he blurted.
"Yeah, well at least I keep moving forward!" she shouted.
"Don't you mean running away?!" he was shouting now too.
"Whatever, Luke! Whatever! I'm wrong and crazy again, but you're not getting away from me until I know some things. Some things about what you, Luke Danes, actually feel. 'Cause I have questions, pal. Questions that only you can answer about whatever the hell it is that goes on inside of you." They glared at each other across the unmade quilt on the table.
And so Luke made a decision.
"Like what?" he asked.
"What? You mean you'll answer my questions?" asked Lorelai, suspiciously.
"Yep, fire away." he put his hands on his hips, lifted his chin and looked her levelly in the eye.
"O-o-k." said Lorelai, a little nervous now. But here it was. Here was the moment that must be faced.
"Why didn't you come to the funeral?"
"Because I don't feel comfortable with those kinds of people."
"But why didn't you come for me, Luke?"
"Because I couldn't stand to see your mother talk to you like that again."
"What? Why? That's how she always is..." Lorelai was confused.
"I don't care. You don't belittle people you love, especially when they are hurt. You don't constantly belittle them until they are reduced to feeling that they can only disappoint people in the world. If you are fucking lucky enough to have a family in this life-You Don't Treat Them That Way!" Luke roared.
"Oh. Wow." Lorelai just stared.
"Yeah, well, I wouldn't have been responsible for what I would have said, even in public, even at a funeral, if I heard her talk that way to you again. Do you understand?"
"Yes." Lorelai said quietly, her eyes large.
"Next question?"
"Were you ever seriously interested in me? I mean did you ever want me too?"
"Yes. Of course, I did. But you kept running away and I thought you weren't interested, so I tried to settle into friendship with you, thought that was what you wanted-but it was so damn hard."
Lorelai nodded, "I tried to explain all that to you."
"Yes, you did." "Did you wear the suit I bought you when you married Nicole?"
Luke sighed. "Yes."
Lorelai's eyes began to well and Luke shifted uncomfortably.
Then she asked softly, "What were you thinking when you married Nicole?"
"That this was my only chance." he let out.
"Oh." and after a pause, "It wasn't."
"Wasn't it?"
"No." They stared at each other again.
"Luke, do you have any feelings for me now at all, beyond friendship, that is?"
"I have loved you for years."
"What?" Lorelai caught her breath.
"I have loved you for years," repeated Luke "I've wanted to alternately throttle you and kiss you. You drive me crazy. You are so beautiful that I still get butterflies in my stomach every time I see you. You infuriate me and yet I want to make love to you and... and just never stop." his voice was hoarse now, his eyes as wet as hers.
Lorelai turned away to the sink, her hand to her mouth.
Luke set the cup of now-cool coffee on the table and walked over to her, he turned her shoulders so that she faced him. They wrapped their arms around each other, she lay her face on his chest.
They breathed together now as they held one another. The room was still.
"Luke, do you think we could stop hurting each other and have what we want with each other?" she asked into his chest.
"I don't know," he only had the truth left now, but it didn't hurt too bad.
"Do you want to even try?" she asked.
"Yes." his voice was steady now.
"Me too." she whispered.
Then The Silence
I.
The door closed.
They glanced up at each other. Shame, embarrassment, disbelief, all there. And adrenalin too. From the fight, from being caught by Reverend Skinner, from what he'd encouraged them to do, and then from remembering that she'd almost said--something, anyway.
And with that thought they both instantly glanced down and away. Luke aimlessly began to dig through his toolbox, sure that they were supposed to continue as if something had not almost been said. What's the point anyway?
Lorelai, however, was shaken, truly shaken, and this was not an everyday thing for her. She turned from Luke, walked away, and sat in the first pew. Lost in thought, eyes downcast, brow puckered, she puzzled and wondered. What had just happened?
Finally the silence between them stretched Luke's last nerve.
"Lorelai..." he began, though he hadn't really anything to follow this up with. Better to have said something, he guessed. He looked at her sitting there.
If she had heard him was anyone's guess. Her brow-frown deepened. Her gaze focused on nothing in particular. She was now officially beyond confused with herself. She was scared. Deeply buried ghosts were flitting about. Things she did not want to think about. Things that would not leave her alone.
Luke watched her, concerned now. An Angry Lorelai, A Self-Absorbed Lorelai, Mocking Lorelai, Sad Lorelai, Warm, Wicked-Witted, Chattering Lorelai, even Generous Lorelai-all these he knew. He knew how to respond to them, understood his role. This was new, uncomfortable territory: Who-the-hell was Quiet, Worried-Looking Lorelai? What had just happened?
"Lorelai," he tried again, still unsure of where he was going with this, "are you-"
"You know, Clyde" she finally looked up quickly, "Reverend Skinner's approval has taken all the illicit fun out of this caper" the joke was weak, her voice soft.
"Do you want to go?" he asked. Running-Away Lorelai was someone he did know "I can finish this myself. I've done it before, you know."
"No, no," she said as she got up and walked toward him, picking up the flashlight again. "I'll help. I'm no quitter. I'll see it through. Let it not be said that Lorelai Gilmore is a quitter."
"God, no one could ever say that about you."
"Good. 'Cause I don't quit. I keep right on going like that battery bunny."
"You are the most relentless person I've ever met" he agreed.
She looked him in the eye, serious, "I'm sorry about that. About it all. My Pit-bullishness, I mean -I think it must be some kind of single-mother occupational hazard."
"How so?" he asked as he handed her a wrench and turned to climb the metal spiral stairs of the steeple.
"I don't know. It was just us for so long, you know, me and Rory. I had to be stubborn to get us through, I suppose. You know, not just getting food on the table, but shelter and diversion..."
"Diversion from what?" he turned and looked at her over his shoulder before he began to climb.
She shrugged and looked away, "From the fact that we were alone, I guess"
He looked at her silently for a moment and thought about when she first came into the diner, young and frantic, Rory trailing along.
"I guess we all do what we have to do to survive," he finally settled on saying. Thinking they were finished, he turned to begin the climb up into the dark tower.
"Luke.." she called softly. Her tone made him turn to look and the tears welling in her eyes made him step back down to her. Her lip trembled slightly.
"Hey, what is it?" he asked alarmed by her change.
"Luke, we are friends..."
"Yes."
"Even when we're pissed at each other."
He sighed. "Sure."
"Well..." she began worrying her white hat and the flashlight in her hands.
"Lorelai, what is it?" He was trying to be patient.
"Luke, I don't think I could handle it if I disappointed you..."
"What? What are you talking about?"
"Because I do that a lot, you know, I disappoint people..."
"You never..."
"I mean it" Lorelai turned from him and walked distractedly to the window and looked out on the quiet flurries. "All the years I've known you, the friendship I thought we had..."
"We do have." he took a step toward her, trying to reassure away whatever it was.
"I just couldn't.. I don't know... Just couldn't..."
"Just couldn't what?"
"I just couldn't go too deep" she turned and looked at him again, tears down her cheeks now, willing him to understand.
But he didn't.
"Too deep? Lorelai, what are you talking about?"
"I am Blanche DuBois." she blurted.
"What? Who?"
"Blanche Dubois. You know, 'Streetcar--"
"Yes, 'Named Desire.' I know who Blanche DuBois is. Could you just tell me what the hell you're getting at?"
"Well, you know Blanche, she has failed at so much, let people down, and she seems so shallow-all flirty and chatty and charming--"
"Right." Luke was still confused.
"And she sincerely believes she's looking for love, I mean really believes it. But underneath, where she really is... Well, no light would shine there it's so dark. She's alone and scared sometimes and trying to make her way so she keeps everything on the surface... doesn't reach out, because then she might disappoint someone again. And, and...let herself down too, and her daughter..."
"Blanche DuBois didn't have a daughter."
"So sue me for artistic licence."
"Lorelai," Luke ran his hand over his face, trying to wipe away his exasperation, "What are you trying to say?"
Lorelai took a step closer to Luke. They were very close now. She looked up into his eyes.
"I'm Blanche DuBois and you were right." she said softly.
"I was right?"
"Yes."
"About what?"
"You don't owe me anything."
"Lorelai, I was angry.. You're always butting in.."
"I know. I do. I was wrong and I'm sorry."
"What?"
"You heard me," she smiled ruefully at his confusion. Poor guy. "I'm sorry and You Were Right, it's all none of my business."
"Ok." he said doubtfully.
Lorelai turned back to the window. A long quiet moment passing between them again.
"Luke, you don't really need me to be your Vanna White here tonight, do you?"
"My what?"
"You know-your Magician's Assistant? You don't really need me do you? And I don't have any sparkly tights or even a decent feather for my hair. You can't be a good assistant without the right costume."
"I thought we were Bonnie and Clyde" "We were but that was before I became Blanche Dubois and then Vanna White."
Luke sighed. "You want to go?"
" I need to, yes. I'm sorry"
"I thought you were no quitter."
"I'm not but Bonnie, Blanche and Vanna are."
"I see"
"I just need to go think , and-see- something -I'm sorry!" she thrust the flashlight into his hands and hurried out.
What the hell?
He heard the door close behind her then quietly turned to climb up the stairs to break the bells.
Again.
II.
It was only an hour or so of work to do the job properly. He remembered it taking longer twenty years ago, but he supposed the first experience had improved his timing the second time around.
He felt satisfied as he and, what did she call it? Bert? Strolled back to the diner. It was past midnight now. No point in going to Litchfield tonight. Nicole was taking depositions upstate for a couple of days, and besides he had an early bread delivery.
And then his thoughts returned to Lorelai where they'd pretty much been all day. He sighed. He'd never sleep tonight, damn her. What did she mean about being disappointed in her? She maddened him. She was the most complicated person he'd ever met. He was worn out just thinking about her. About them. And that Blanche thing-what was that? Was she trying to say that she was hiding something? What was below Lorelai's surface? What was she trying to hide? --'Dirty!' He heard her voice echo in his head.
He looked about the town square, noiseless and deserted, and felt he just wanted some peace in life. That wasn't much to ask, was it? Why did Lorelai always have to push him into such loud, noisy, arguing places.
He thought about the townhouse in Litchfield. Nicole had moved her things in from her apartment in Hartford. Now, Nicole's things could be called peaceful. Simple. Elegant. Like her. She'd had fun decorating the townhouse for them and he'd enjoyed watching her do it. Her Eames chairs and professionally-hung Chagall prints weren't exactly his idea of cozy, but they were uncomplicated. Minimal, he guessed they called it. His father's Mission pieces just wouldn't have fit in. Besides, as Nicole had pointed out, her cleaning lady had enough to do without having to dust all that wood, anyway.
"You choose the paint colors," she said smiling, wanting him to feel included and handing him a pre-selected assortment of paint chips, "It's your home now too."
So he'd looked at the grays and the ochres and beiges, but just couldn't choose.
And with that thought he looked up. And there she was again. Lorelai. Standing in front of his diner holding an enormous bright pink bakery box in her arms, wearing her red coat and silly puffy hat. Clearly she was waiting for him. She stared at him intently and he could see, even from across the street that though she was quiet now, she had been crying.
III.
Lorelai watched Luke and Bert cross the road to her.
"Hi."
"Hi. What are you doing here? It's late..."
"I know. I have something for you. Can I come upstairs for a minute?"
"Did you bring me a cake?" he raised his eyebrows curiously.
"No. Please, Luke?"
"I'm not making coffee."
"Ok. Ok."
Luke unlocked the door and walked in. He didn't bother with the lights as the street lights shone more than enough through the windows. He headed straight to the stairs at the back and up to his apartment never once looking back at Lorelai. He heard her following though. When he opened the apartment door, he flipped on the lights and walked to the closet to put Bert stop calling it that! away and shrug out of his coat. He turned back to her. She stood at the table holding her pink cake box.
"Do you want to sit down?"
"Um, no. I have something to give you."
Luke crossed and sat down at the small table opposite her.
"It looks like a cake."
"Well, it is a cake box-a double sheet to be precise, but there's no cake in it. Fran gave me the box years ago. It was the only kind that was the right size."
"What is it?" he was curious now.
"It's Cassandra," she stated as though this made it all clear. "I am giving you Cassandra. You and Nicole, that is. It is a wedding gift. For both of you from me."
"Lorelai, you don't have to.."
"I want to Luke," she said simply. She pushed the box across the table to him. "Open it."
Luke looked at her for a moment, then looked down and lifted the lid of the box. He peered in and caught his breath at all the colors within: red, purple, green, yellow, and every shade of blue imaginable, all on a white background.
"It's a quilt." he said looking up at her, suddenly remembering a similar one in the house when he was a boy. Where had that gone?
"Not just any quilt. This is Cassandra. She is a Double Wedding Ring Quilt. I made her. And I want you to have her. You and Nicole." Lorelai remained standing opposite him at the table. Her voice was even and sure.
"Lorelai, I can't, this must have taken hours of work..."
"Years." said Lorelai looking him in the eye.
"Years?" he said disbelievingly.
"Yep."
"When did you make it?" he asked, gingerly touching the folds of soft cotton.
"Her."
"When did you make her?"
"The first few years with Rory. When we lived in the garden shed at the Inn."
"It's beautiful," he said taking Cassandra out of her box and opening her up a bit on the table and looking at the intricate circles of color those must be the rings, "but I can't take it-her, she obviously means a lot to you. All that work."
"She does mean a lot to me. That's why I want you to have her."
"But why?"
"Because she is the best thing I ever made and the first time I didn't disappoint." Lorelai looked at him. He was perplexed. She sighed before trying to explain, "I had never made anything before, you know, of my own, except Rory, and she was pretty much God's work. Because I could never make anything as perfect as her on my own..." she looked down at her hands.
"Lorelai." Luke said and she looked up.
"Those first years were hard, you know," she continued, "and there we were in the garden shed with no TV, no books, and just a few toys. The housekeeper-her name was Ruby-do you remember her? Older lady with short gray hair?"
Luke shook his head no and watched her. "Well, she was great," Lorelai smiled at the memory of Ruby and then after looking at Luke again, walked quickly to the window, uncomfortable under his gaze.
She looked out on the still-falling snow. "Man, it's still really coming down." Luke was quiet, letting her take her own pace, knowing somehow that this was important.
"Well, Ruby took pity on us, me and Rory. So she taught me how to sew which is not exactly a rich-girl-from-Hartford kind of hobby, you know" Lorelai laughed a little at the memory.
"She had an old Singer machine she let me use. I started with Simplicity's Make a Skirt in 30 Minutes or McCalls' Learn to Make a Toddler's Sundress Sew Quickly! or whatever patterns I could get a hold of, but I sucked at it. Majorly sucked. Ruby was patient, though, and I had nothing else to do in the evenings except watch Rory sleep. Thank God she was such a good baby.
Anyway, Ruby would show me how to rip out the seams and start again. And I would. I would keep starting again until I had it. Then one day she heard me say how much I loved a quilt in one of the rooms at The Independence. And she said 'why don't you make yourself one'. So I tried. I got a book from the library. It was so hard and I didn't have good scissors. You need really sharp good scissors to cut the pieces just right- That was the first thing I bought when Mia promoted me to Manager-the most expensive sewing scissors I could find!."
"Sounds like you earned them."
"Well, anyway, I did it. It took two and half years for me to finish but I did. I named her Cassandra and got a box from Fran to keep her in. I thought that one day I'd know what to do with her.
When I got the house I put the box up in my closet. Sometimes, when things were hard-when Christopher left, or when Rory broke her arm.... I'd get the box down and lift the lid and look at Cassandra and remember that I hadn't let her down. I'd finished her, see? I missed the boat with Christopher. I failed to protect Rory. I broke Max's heart and ...and other things along the way. But I finished Cassandra."
"Lorelai..." Luke stood up and crossed to stand behind her at the window. He placed a hand on her shoulder. She turned to look at him, her eyes were still dry, he dropped his hand to his side. "I had no idea... I never thought you..."
"What? Thought I could be so crazy?" Lorelai smiled wryly and held his gaze. "Well, Luke, I am crazy-Remember Blanche DuBois?"
"Yeah, she was nuts." he replied dryly.
"But I'm not going off in a straight jacket tonight-I don't have the right shoes for that." Lorelai paused then reached down and took one of Luke's hands into both of her own "Come here." she said.
She led Luke to the sofa. They sat turned in to one another, knees touching, eyes locked. Lorelai sighed and began to talk, "I need to say something to you, Luke, and it won't be easy and I just need you to be quiet until I finish. All right?" Luke nodded and felt his stomach drop.
"A few years ago, we started this flirting thing. And I think you were attracted to me. I know I was attracted to you." she watched his eyes widen but he remained silent. "But I couldn't... I knew that if I let something, you know, begin between us, that you'd eventually, sure as shootin', be hurt and or disappointed in me." she squeezed his hand to ward off the protest she saw coming, "I don't know how I knew that, but I did and I was scared. Of you. Of doing that to you...."
"Lorelai..." he was shaking his head 'No'. "Shh. Let me finish." Not able to sit any longer, Lorelai stretched her long legs and wandered the small room, " I also knew there was something so special about you... I don't know, I just didn't want to lose you. And then it happened like I knew it would: Your attraction to me diminished, and your annoyance with me grew. I mean, let's face it: I drive you crazy, my eating repulses you..."
"That's not..." Luke stood angry now.
"You aren't following the rules here, Mister!" Lorelai turned and mock- scolded him, her hands on her hips.
"Just let me finish, Luke: See, I realized tonight when I went home to look at Cassandra, to try to feel better. I realized that I am jealous of you and Nicole. There it is: Plain as day. I am jealous and I didn't even realize it. Pretty stupid, huh? I'm sure the whole town knew. But I didn't. I know I've been ranting like an idiot at you about her, but I didn't realize until tonight what was going on with me..."
Luke walked towards her. "Lorelai, you were right about my being attracted to you but wrong about the rest..."
"Luke.."
"You have nothing to be jealous of. I am still here. I will still make your coffee.."
"For God Sakes, Luke, this isn't about coffee!" Lorelai raised her voice.
"Then what is it?" Luke asked
"It's about us."
"Us?"
"It's that I always thought there would be an Us... Someday. Even though I drove you crazy, even though I repressed it as deeply as I could... I just always thought... hoped..." She let the sentence die out when she saw the stunned look in Luke's eyes.
"Us? You wanted an us?" he repeated hoarsely.
"But I know now... I realized tonight that there won't be an us. However I feel, whatever stupid fantasies I may have, whatever you keep in this apartment, wherever you sleep ... it just doesn't matter, because you have moved on. I thought I had too, but it all just came back and bit me in the ass.....as usual.
Look, that's not really what I wanted to say tonight-all of that. I just wanted you to know that I will always be your friend. And if you need me to respect that you are sincerely making an effort with Nicole then I will. I will come to the diner and have coffee and joke and not nag you... because... well, I suppose because it is my problem-what I hoped or wanted, I mean. And, most of all." Lorelai paused here for a breath, "I am sorry."
"Lorelai, you never said anything..." Luke's shock was apparent.
"I know," whispered Lorelai, "I just didn't want to try and then disappoint you, and break my own heart and mess up Rory's world..." Lorelai had started crying now.
"I am so sorry, Luke. I will try harder. And... and... that's why I want you to have Cassandra... so you'll know that I don't always let everyone down."
"Lorelai, I don't know what to say... " And he didn't know what to say, or what to feel. He was absolutely baffled. Lorelai had wanted-Could still want him?! Is that what she had just said?
"Don't say anything. I want you to be happy. I truly do." and Luke saw that she was sincere. "If you want Nicole, then I wish you happiness and passion and butterflies when you look at each other. And I want you to have Cassandra too."
"But..."
"No buts, buddy, I am your friend and you are stuck with me. I will stay out of your life outside the diner. I guess I just needed to tell you the truth once and for all, but nothing needs to change between us."
And with that Lorelai walked over and kissed a stunned Luke on the cheek. "Get some sleep" she said, biting the inside of her lip so she wouldn't ask if he was driving to Litchfield at this late hour. "You'll see, I'll be good. Next week you'll see me and nothing will have changed, we'll be back to normal."
"Next week? Wh- What about tomorrow?" Luke was still at sea. Still trying to process what had just happened.
"Um, I think I'm going to need some time, Luke, you know just to, I don't know, try and integrate it all, I guess... But don't worry everything will be good, when I come back. I promise." And with that she tried hard to smile, almost making it in fact, and left.
And for the second time that night he listened to her leave: He heard her descend the stairs and go out the front door, leaving him alone in the silent room. He turned and looked at Cassandra on the table.
Everything the same?
IV.
And so it was a wakeful night for Luke and Lorelai.
Lorelai tossed and turned on her antique bed under the only other quilt she had ever made-a simple patchwork cut from Rory's outgrown baby clothes. She knew she should feel proud of herself for facing her feelings about Luke. It had been hard enough. She knew she should be glad for him and happy that they were both moving on. That they could be friends again. That they would have a safe place together in the diner, warm with the smell of coffee.
But all she could feel was a sense of loss. How could that be? She hadn't really known fully in the front of her brain what had been going on in her heart for Luke all these years. She'd known on some level, she guessed. She'd certainly been aware of the dance and shuffle she'd been doing with him, but had never let herself question it. It was only tonight that she had really acknowledged why she'd been dancing away from him, yet longing to hold on. What kind of future could we have had, anyway? I drive him crazy.
Luke, on the other hand, lay awake the few hours he had remaining until the bread delivery and reflected on what had happened. He supposed he should have been angry that he hadn't known of her feelings before tonight. His stomach should be churning with the emotion of the day, but he only felt an odd gladness, an odd sense of peace that he finally did now know the truth from Lorelai.
He hadn't been crazy all these years. He wasn't just some out-of-her-league diner guy who she teased and flirted with for coffee. She had cared, does care. And he smiled in the dark at that thought. To be wanted by her. That was something. To be wanted by Lorelai. What he felt beyond that he wasn't going to examine right now, plenty of time for that later. He was just going to enjoy the quiet glow in his heart.
With that he got up, walked across the room in the moonlight and picked up Cassandra from the table. He lifted the quilt to his face and fancied he could smell Lorelai in the cool cotton. He smiled again and went back to bed for an hour before delivery time with Cassandra the Double Wedding Ring Quilt tossed over him.
Lorelai had wanted him.
*************************************************
As she had said that night, Lorelai didn't come into the diner that week at all. He overheard through the grapevine that she was working nonstop at the Inn. She'd apparently decided to paint all the public rooms herself to save money. He heard as well that Sookie was home with a sick Davey, so he knew she must be working pretty hard on her own.
He also knew that Lane Kim was staying for a while with Lorelai after Mrs. Kim had thrown her out. Lane enthused about her life with Lorelai when they had down time during her diner shifts. She told Luke that 'Lorelai really listened to her and understood what she wanted' and that she 'tried to help' but 'wanted her to keep the lines of communication open with her mother'. Luke just nodded and listened, glad that Lane had someone there for her, but all the while hoping for more information about Lorelai herself.
And then Monday morning, strangely early, an exhausted looking Lorelai came into the diner and asked for four cups of coffee to go, two chocolate doughnuts with sprinkles, and a ham sandwich on sourdough.
"Ooo! Also a bag of chips!"
"Who are you feeding?" Luke asked smiling at her, glad to see her again and concerned that she looked so tired at once.
"Just me. I'm painting at the Inn again today and need all my energy to get through." She had trouble fully meeting his gaze but smiled over-brightly anyway.
"It must be freezing out there. Have you got any heat or electric yet?" he asked packing up her order.
"I wish!" Lorelai plopped on a stool at the counter to wait. "None of that is fully hooked up yet. But I've got to finish the walls before the guy comes to refinish the floors a week from Friday. Sookie can't help, so I'm on my own. I can only work until the light starts to really go around four thirty... So I better get going. Here--" she handed him some money with a smile. "Keep the change"
And so it went the same every morning for a week, their exchanges getting a little less awkward, a little warmer, a little more playful each day.
But Luke and Lorelai never spoke of anything beyond the diner or the Dragonfly. They certainly didn't talk about Lorelai's revelation, or Cassandra, or Luke's marriage, or anything about how anyone felt. On all this they just held their peace.
This was Stars' Hollow, however, so they still found out a great deal about what was going on with the other.
Neither gossiped. Each merely kept their eyes and ears open when they could. Luke saw Lorelai and an over-dressed, chinless, dark-haired guy laughing in the ice-cream shop on Thursday evening. He watched briefly through the window as they shared an elaborate sundae. Outside, he saw a parked convertible. Jeez, this is Connecticut, for pete's sake.
Then the next day he heard from Babette that there had been a big shouting scene at Lorelai's home later that same evening with her parents. Luke wondered what her parents were doing in Stars' Hollow. He knew it must have been pretty bad when she came in by herself for a hamburger Friday evening. But he kept his mouth shut.
And Lorelai heard from Kirk about the yelling in the upstairs apartment at the diner Saturday night, and that Nicole had then run downstairs, past the tables and left. She also knew from Miss Patty that Luke no longer seemed to be making the drive to Litchfield.
Sure, she wondered about it, but when she went in for her usual order Monday morning, she said nothing.
And then, come Wednesday, Lorelai didn't come in at all, or Thursday either. He knew her painting deadline was the next day, so maybe she was just working through. But her absence nagged at Luke as he wondered what was going on, where she was, what she was doing.
And he only grew more frustrated throughout the morning when all his usual sources of information were dry. He couldn't even ask Lane anything directly this time because he'd given her the week off for her mid-terms at the Community College.
Damn.
He grumped through the lunch rush, looking up expectantly whenever the door jingled open. But no Lorelai. Finally, he'd had it. You're not getting any younger, Danes. Just go check on her.
And so he did.
He thought he'd check at her house first rather than the Inn because it was the shorter drive. Maybe she took the day off, he thought. She's probably just tired from the painting and decided to rest-watch movies and eat junk food. Whatever her reason, he'd had enough of the all quiet on the Lorelai front.
So when he pulled up to her house, he was very glad to see her jeep parked in the drive.
He stopped the truck and got out, noticing that her friggin' walk still hadn't been shoveled.
He crunched up the path and wondered at the odd nervous feeling tingling about him. He tried to shake it off and reached out to ring the bell.
A few moments later Lorelai opened the door. She stood before him in tight gray knit pants and a pink silk thermal shirt. He stared for a second, his mouth slightly agape.
"Oh, my God! What the hell happened to you?" He barked at her .
V.
"Well, nice to see you too, Prince Charming" Lorelai's smile was a little weak "Come on in, it's cold out." She turned and walked to the archway leading to the living room then turned and faced him again,
"Take your coat off." Luke dutifully unzipped his green coat but then let his hands drop.
"Lorelai, what happened?" Luke looked in horror at the large bandage taped over Lorelai's left temple and the purple and black bruised eye below it.
"Would you believe that it was a trapeze accident?"
"Lorelai..."
"I mean that sounds pretty cool, right? That I was trying to catch this guy after he did a triple roll and...."
"Lorelai, please, what happened?"
"All right," Lorelai pretended to pout, "Come on in and I'll tell you." They walked into the kitchen and Lorelai poured them each a cup of tea. Luke remained standing, too surprised by her appearance to notice much else.
"Well?"
"Well, Ok: I fell off a ladder. Happy now?"
"What? No! You fell off a ladder?" Luke was belief challenged here. Why does this stuff only happen with her?
"Yeah. I was rushing to finish the Honey Room..."
"The Honey Room?"
"Yes, this is so cool: We are naming all the rooms at the Dragonfly after the colors we've chosen... So there's the Honey Room-it's a really pretty gold color, and the Rose Room, and the Peapod Room, and the..."
"Lorelai, what happened to your face-I mean, how did it happen?"
"I'm trying to tell you! Yesterday I was finishing the second coat in the Honey Room and I was really tired but happy that I was ahead of schedule. Anyway, I don't know, I kind of tripped and fell off the ladder and hit my head."
"Oh, my God...."
"Well, luckily the electrician guy came by and found me..."
"Found you?"
"I'd hit my head. It knocked me out. So this guy finds me in the Honey Room and calls 911"
"They took you in an ambulance?" Luke is aghast at what he is hearing.
"Yep. Nine stitches, a black eye, and a mild concussion. Not to mention the ruination of my favorite Hello Kitty painting sweatshirt."
"Huh?"
"Head wounds bleed a lot." She told him matter-of-factly, a twinkle in her good eye.
"Oh, Jeez!" Luke did not want to hear that.
"They kept me over night because of the concussion-'cause I had no one here to watch me, and now I can't even have coffee for two more days! The bastards!" Lorelai crossed her arms over her chest and looked dark at the thought.
Luke felt his knees go a little weak and so pulled out a chair at the kitchen table and sank into it.
"Are you sure you're all right?"
Lorelai smiled warmly, sat down opposite and tried to reassure him. "Yes, Luke I'm fine. I have a helluva a headache, and I can't drive for a few days but I'm fine."
"Wow..." he breathed.
"I know." she smiled again and reached for a pill bottle in the middle of the table, popped the cap and swallowed one of the capsules with her tea. "You didn't bring any coffee with you, by any chance?" she looked at him hopefully.
"You just said that you can't have any " he protested.
"You can't believe anything I say, I am under the influence of drugs!" she countered dramatically while rattling her little bottle at him.
He smiled at her. "Thank God, you're all right"
"Thank God I got Kirk to finish up the Honey Room before the floor refinisher comes tomorrow" she sighed into her cup of tea. And suddenly Luke saw how tired she was. And pale.
"Does it hurt a lot?" he asked.
"Not as much as it did yesterday. You're very sweet to care, Luke. Thanks."
"Well...sure" Luke glanced away awkwardly. "I do care, you know."
"Yep, I just grew on you like a little fungus didn't I?" Luke merely rolled his eyes. "Oh, and Rory doesn't know, yet. She's got her last two mid-terms today and this evening, and I don't need her freaked about something she can't do anything about."
"All right but she's gonna be pissed when she finds out you didn't tell her earlier."
"I know."
So then they sat for a moment in the still kitchen and just smiled at each other, sipping their tea. It was nice.
"Is there anything I can get for you?" Luke finally asked.
"Coffee?!" she pleaded.
"No way." he laughed getting up. "I should let you rest."
"Yeah, I'm starting to feel that pill already." Lorelai stood and stumbled slightly, proving her point.
"Hey, steady there," he grabbed her arm and helped her regain her balance.
"Thanks."
"You didn't drive yourself home from the hospital, did you?" he asked as he helped her walk to the sofa in the living room.
"Nah, Lane's at her cousin's this week, so I called Babette" she leaned over and started to arrange the afghan into a nest for herself.
"Why didn't you call me, Lorelai?" Luke asked quietly. Lorelai looked up at him sharply.
"Luke, it was yesterday evening. I assumed you'd be in Litchfield. I didn't want to bother you there. I don't even have that number. Besides I was just so out of it." she told him truthfully.
"I wasn't in Litchfield" he paused and looked at her, "Nicole and I broke up" he paused again and quietly added "So you could have called me."
"Oh, Luke, I am so sorry" and she was.
She blinked back tears as she looked up at him and then gulped a little and slid both her arms under his coat and around his waist. She hugged him close, leaning her cheek on his chest. "I really wanted you to be happy."
Luke wrapped his arms around her back and closed his eyes and sighed, sharing his warmth with her, breathing her in.
"Yeah, well, you were right all along, and so was she; I just couldn't commit to her the way she wanted. The way I want for myself."
"Then you did the right thing" she told his chest softly.
"I know."
They stood quietly this way, comforting each other, until their peace was shattered by the ringing telephone.
VI.
They listened together as her message played.
'This is Lorelai, mother of a brilliant and beautiful Ivy League college student-Did you hear that? My daughter goes to Yale! But I'm not in right now for you to congratulate me, so please leave a message at the tone. Thank you!'
"Lorelai, this is your mother." They heard. " Lorelai? Pick up! Lorelai, it's about your grandmother..."
Lorelai lunged for the phone.
"I'm here! I'm here! What happened?
-Oh my God. When?
-Yes, yes, right away. I'll get over right away.
-Ok
-Mom, you haven't called Rory yet have you?
-Good. Don't...
-Of course she does, but she's got her last two mid-terms today and she's completely stressed.
-Yes, yes, thank you for understanding. And, Mom, tell dad... Well,
tell him I'm coming. Ok?
-'Bye.
Lorelai turned back to Luke who stood behind her listening.
"What happened?" he asked as Lorelai walked to the staircase and sat on the bottom.step, her head in her hands. He moved quickly to sit next to her.
"My grandmother died."
"Oh. Lorelai, I'm sorry."
Then suddenly, "I have to go to Hartford!" Lorelai jumped up and clumsily climbed the stairs, Luke followed.
"Lorelai, you are hurt and drugged, you cannot go to Hartford, now."
"Luke, I have to." she said simply.
"All right," he sighed "then I'm going to drive you..."
"Luke, you don't need to..."
"You think I'm going to let you drive like this?" He watched as she stumbled around her room looking for something to wear. "All right! Fine! Thank you! Now turn around!"
"What?"
"Turn around, I have to get dressed and I think I've bared myself enough to you this month.."
With that she whipped her thermal shirt over her head and threw it on the bed. A very surprised Luke found himself staring at Lorelai's chest clad only in a thin white camisole edged in lace. She smiled slightly at his shocked face despite herself.
"Turn around!" she commanded.
He complied.
"Now you'll never buy the cow." he heard her mumble.
VII.
It was snowing lightly but still the drive to Hartford was slow. Luke drove Lorelai's jeep. He watched out of the corner of his eye as she lamely fought the effects of the pain pill, alternately nodding off, then seemingly remembering where she was with a jerk to wakefulness.
"Lorelai, why don't you just sleep. I know how to get to your parents' neighborhood."
"How do you know that?" She asked.
"Because there is only one neighborhood in Hartford where the Gilmores would live."
"Oh, right." she frowned "Luke, I want to apologize ahead of time for anything awful my parents may say or do."
"Lorelai, there is no need."
"I'm too tired to argue with you about it right now."
And a silence hung between them until Lorelai broke out of her reverie .
"Poor Gran." "Were you close?"
"God, no-- She was quite the battleaxe! But she was, you know, impressive. You just had to admire her and the life she led-- plus the added bonus that she drove my mother absolutely nuts-Now that was always fun to watch!"
"Your father's mother?"
"Yeah. Poor Dad. He absolutely adored her. He called her Trix."
"Trix?" Luke looked amused.
"Yeah, I know-the mysterious ways of the inbred rich! We just gotta have our stupid nic-names-Just ask Dubya. Gran lived in Paris for most of my life and then I left home so early, so I rarely saw her. But she gave Rory and me our blue eyes."
"Well, too bad we can't all thank her for that now," Luke said, only slightly sarcastic.
Then Lorelai brightened at a memory, "Every once in awhile, through the years, I'd get some inexplicably wonderful package from Paris-never any note, though-just some odd or fabulous thing she'd found along her way: One time it was the monkey lamp, another time diamond earrings for me and an old volume of Voltaire for Rory-just sent through the regular mail! How do you think she knew to send those things to us, Luke?"
"I don't know, Lorelai."
They were silent again after that and Lorelai leaned back into the seat and fell asleep. Luke stole sly glances at her as he navigated the road. She was beautiful even bandaged and with a black eye. It was warm in the jeep, the snow continued to fall. It felt good to have her asleep next to him.
************************************************
Lorelai felt a shake on her shoulder.
"Five more minutes, Rory..." she mumbled, trying to turn away.
"Lorelai, I need you to tell me where to go from here.... Lorelai!' Another shake. Why did her head hurt so much?
"Lorelai, your grandmother..."
And with that she was awake.
"Oh, Luke, right, sorry..." she rubbed her eyes, wincing when she touched the left, " Um turn right here...." Within a few minutes they were parked in front of the Gilmore residence.
"Wow. This is where you grew up?"
"Yeah. Quite the mausoleum, huh?"
"It's beautiful" said Luke, noting the graceful old architecture.
"Yeah, it is" Lorelai agreed.
They got out and walked to the door, Luke taking Lorelai by the arm. He did not like how she couldn't seem to walk in a straight line. And how distracted she seemed. They got up to the front door and Lorelai leaned in to ring the bell.
"You have to ring the doorbell at your parent's home?"
"Yeah."
And suddenly Luke began to really think that her stories of childhood and home weren't such exaggerations after all.
The door was opened by a maid in uniform.
"Yes?"
"Hi. I'm Mrs. Gilmore's daughter."
"Please come in. You have my condolences, Ms. Gilmore."
"Thank you."
After the maid took their coats, Luke followed Lorelai to the living room. He tried not to stare, but it was tough. Jeez, who lives like this?
Emily Gilmore arose from one of the Queen Anne settles. She was dressed in black.
"Lorelai, My God, what happened to your face?"
"Hi Mom.. Nothing, I fell at the Inn. I'm fine."
"You don't look fine. How did you fall?"
"I just did Mom, don't worry about it. Where's Dad?" Lorelai looked around the room.
"He's in the study, on the phone with Uncle William. Lorelai, how did you fall?" Emily Gilmore used a tone that brooked no fooling around.
Lorelai sighed and looked at her mother, " I was on a ladder doing some painting and I fell off and hit my head."
"When did this happen?"
"Yesterday."
"Yesterday. I see. And you didn't think to call me?"
"Well, I was so out of it and then I had to get stitches and they gave me drugs..."
"You were in the hospital?" barked Emily.
"Just for the night." Lorelai looked at her mother's face, "Look, Mom, I know it's upsetting to look at, but I'm really fine now. It was just an accident. I should have called you, I know, but I'd hardly got home when you called about Grandma."
"Lorelai, I did not raise you to climb ladders and paint things. That is something you hire people to do for you."
Oh, boy thought Luke who'd remained unnoticed at the living room entrance.
"Mom, I do a lot of things you didn't raise me to do!" Lorelai's patience had run out. Her head hurt.
"I'm certain of that!" snapped Emily "Just once do you think you could be responsible?"
"I was being responsible," yelled Lorelai in exasperation "I was doing my job!"
"Lorelai, don't yell at me! You are not a construction worker! You are the proprietor of an Inn, and if you want to receive the right kind of clientele you need to behave appropriately. Why do you always have to be so exasperating?..and..and...."
"And what, Mom?" Lorelai asked, knowing what was coming.
"And, disappointing! You should be more. You should have more in your life. All you seem to want is.." "Is what?" asked Lorelai.
"All you want is, I mean are, are-- hamburgers and good times and God knows what else!"
"I like hamburgers, Mom. They make me happy."
"Well, maybe you should think less about your happiness and more about what you should be-that is why you are so damned disappointing!" Emily pronounced.
"Mom, what should I be? Huh? I mean since you've got all this figured out, what should I be?"
"An adult, Lorelai-not a selfish child. You didn't even think to call me from the hospital, did you? No, you did not. You did not even think about what the repercussions of sleeping with your father's business partner would be, did you? I doubt it. You know, Lorelai, you pretend that you are independent, but what you are is just selfish."
"Don't forget disappointing." added Lorelai.
And a cold quiet filled the room for long minutes while the women glared at one another.
And now Luke saw. Now he knew.
Lorelai took several deep breaths before she spoke, I am not playing this today, "Look, Mom, let's not argue about my failings right now-they aren't going anywhere, I promise. We are both upset and exhausted and I feel like a buffalo just shuffled off somewhere on my head. We have other things to focus on right now... Now, when exactly did it happen?"
Emily sighed and looked away. "Early this morning in her sleep, as best we now know. Westin went in to bring her breakfast and found her. I was out shopping and your father was out at a meeting, so it took awhile for the old fellow to contact us."
"Oh, poor Westin" said Lorelai thinking about the wrinkled, smelly butler who'd been with the elderly Lorelai for decades.
"Think, 'Poor Your Father' instead. Westin will have a fine retirement in Florida on your grandmother's dime."
"Ok," Lorelai took another calming breath, "How's Dad doing?"
"How should I know?" Emily turned and paced around the room, idly fussing with flowers, "He's completely stoic and silent. He never tells me anything. He's just been calling family member after family member for the last hour." She turned to look at Lorelai again, "Your face really does look awful, Lorelai." Lorelai chose to ignore this, Luke was impressed, "What can I do, Mom?"
"Well, I've divided a list of calls between us. So, if you could make some on your cell phone, I can use the second house line. The phone numbers are all written down. The funeral is tomorrow at two at the cathedral in Manhattan. We'll need the right flowers-and only Mr. Sandoval can do that, and the caterers for when people come back here after the cemetery... and the headstone needs re-carving.. Well, anyway, you'll see-here's your list." Emily handed Lorelai a sheet of paper from her immaculate writing desk in the corner.
Lorelai nodded, then regretted it-the shaking hurt. "Ok, I'll go upstairs to make the calls but I'll wait to call Rory until after her mid-term tonight" She picked up her handbag and stood to go.
"Excuse me, Mrs. Gilmore?"
Emily whirled, surprised to see someone else in the room.
"Good heavens! Luke, what are you doing here?"
"Lorelai isn't allowed to drive I brought her."
"Oh, I see," Emily looked confused but immediately retreated into her finely honed hostess mask, "Well, I'm very grateful to you for doing that, Luke."
"I was glad to. But, you see Lorelai is on some pretty heavy medication right now..."
"Oh?" Emily turned to look at Lorelai.
"Luke..." Lorelai warned.
Luke ignored her "She's supposed to be resting."
"Oh, I see."
"I'm fine, Mom. Luke, it's not going to kill me to make some phone calls and then I can rest. Come on, we're going upstairs." She walked as briskly as she could past both, anxious to get out of the discussion.
Luke followed her "Lorelai, you should be in bed."
Lorelai shot him a look over her shoulder.
"No! That does not warrant a 'Dirty'!" Luke fired back as they climbed the stairs.
"I guess you're right" Lorelai shrugged and frowned "I must be slipping. Come on you can help me with these calls."
Luke followed her into a room at the head of the stairs. What he saw stopped him. "What's this? Mary Poppins World?"
Lorelai laughed hard, for the first time in weeks, or so it felt, tears coming to her eyes "No, this is my girlhood room: My virginal resting place!-for as long as that lasted, anyway."
Luke smiled.
She gave a sweeping dramatic gesture about the room, " Don't you think it's me?" She batted her lashes prettily-well, prettily on the right side, anyway.
Luke looked at the polished furniture and lace, and the perfectly fragile bits and pieces staged about the room, and then thought about the cozy mess that was Lorelai's home now; the broken hinges and crooked doors, the cartoon characters, the ever present pile of scarves and hats -the way the light always sort of glowed there. He thought about Cassandra at home on his bed.
"Um, No I don't" he replied.
Lorelai smiled, slipped off her shoes and climbed gingerly, careful of her head, onto the big bed, dragging her handbag with her.
"Your head hurting?" he asked.
"Yeah. Come on, sit here with me," she patted the bed next to her.
Luke looked doubtfully at the silk coverlet.
"Come on, beds don't bite, only people do, besides it's fun to mess it up- Ooo! Now that was 'Dirty!' "
Luke rolled his eyes and sat next to her.
Lorelai handed Luke the list and pulled her cell phone out of her purse. He ran his thumb over Emily's engraved monogrammed letterhead.
"Luke, do you have the time to be here right now?"
"Yeah, with all the snow it'll be slow until after the high school football game gets out, then all the kids will walk over-Ceasar can handle it until then."
"Are you sure? Do you want to call? Or leave?"
"I'm sure. Let's start this list."
So they sat side by side on the bed making calls to Emily's select florist (cream lilies were going to be a challenge-but Mr. Sandoval would go to any length for Mrs. Gilmore), the wine delivery people, distant cousins... The list went on. Finally, as the light darkened outside, Luke looked down and checked off the last call on their list.
"There, that's the third cousin in Houston done... Lorelai?" He looked over but she was asleep.
Luke smiled and watched her for a moment. He then carefully extricated himself from the bed and put his boots back on. He put her handbag, list and phone on the table next to her, then reached down and pulled the cover over her. It was soft and light and she looked peaceful and quiet. His stomach lurched a moment when he thought about her lying unconscious and bloody in the unheated Inn all alone. Maybe I could help her with whatever next project she tries.
He felt the odd urge to kiss her forehead which changed the feeling in his stomach to a kind of tingle. In the end he decided not to, it might hurt her and or wake her and, well, he wasn't really prepared to think about any other consequences of that particular course of action right now. He left her room quietly and went downstairs.
Once back on the ground floor, Luke observed Emily and Richard conferring over some legal looking papers in the living room. They looked up when he entered.
"Luke," Richard stood and approached him, his hand out-stretched, "I understand that I have you to thank for bringing Lorelai here today. Her mother and I really appreciate it."
"I was happy to do it, Richard" Luke shook his hand, "I'm sorry for your loss."
"Thank you. Thank you. No matter how old... Well, you just never think your mother is going to actually die, do you?" Richard's eyes glazed a bit.
"No, sir, you certainly don't."
"Are you close to your mother, Luke?" inquired Richard.
"I was," Luke swallowed, "She died when I was eleven and I'm sorry to tell you that it's something you never quite get over."
"Yes, well, I'm sorry too," Richard cleared his throat.
"Luke, can we offer you something to drink-or perhaps you'd like some dinner? I'm afraid our normal schedule is a bit off today." Emily tried to smile graciously.
"No, thanks. I need to get back to work."
"Of course" Emily smiled weakly again and stood to show him the door, "Thank you so much for all your help again."
"Mrs. Gilmore-"
"Emily, please."
"Emily, I'm a little worried about Lorelai. She's asleep now but I know she needs to take her medication again in two hours-a pain killer and an antibiotic. And, I don't think she's eaten today-so maybe some soup and toast..."
"Of course, I'll see that it's brought up to her when she's awakened in two hours."
Luke was relieved, "Thank you, Emily. She wants to call Rory at 9:30. I'm afraid I'll have to take her jeep now..."
"That's all right, young man," Richard clapped him on the shoulder as they walked to the door, "We'll take care of her, and Rory will be here later too-I'm going to send a car for her after her exam."
The maid handed Luke his coat, Luke said his farewells and went out into the night and back to Star's Hollow.
"Emily, I like that young man. It's good to know that Lorelai has a friend like that."
"He overheard Lorelai and I argue."
"Oh? Well, he seems concerned for her well being."
"Yes, he does." said Emily thoughtfully "I believe he's in love with her."
VIII.
Luke didn't see Lorelai for several days. He'd sent flowers to the family (he'd been brought up right) but didn't feel comfortable attending the funeral. He read about the elaborate proceedings in the newspaper, though.
Lorelai's grandmother was of course quite rich and, befitting her age and class, thrifty and philanthropic at once. Luke shook his head in wonder: Lorelai had left all that. On purpose. Most people in the world would do just about anything to have had her potential life, but she gave it up for Rory and Stars' Hollow and, well, he guessed, because she didn't want to disappoint anyone ever again.
The following Tuesday afternoon, he filled a to-go cup of coffee and walked to her house. The snow was melting and a kind of icy gray rain was falling. Maybe it'll be an early spring.
He rang her bell. She opened the door, wearing jeans and a tight blue sweater, her feet in shearling boots.
"Hi." he said
"Hi. Come on in" said Lorelai. She turned back into the house and he followed, shrugging off his coat and hanging it on the hall rack on his way behind her into the living room.
"Sit down," she said.
They sat together on the couch and he looked over at her. The bruise on her eye was essentially gone and the bandage over her forehead was smaller. Good.
"How are you doing?" he asked, still holding the coffee in his hands.
"Fine." said Lorelai not looking at him.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"Lorelai?"
"Well... it's just that I thought after everything you did for me the other day, that you'd come to the funeral, that's all." said Lorelai quietly.
Luke looked closely at her: She didn't seem angry, just sort of quiet and disappointed.
"Oh" he said.
"I mean I know you're busy and all..." Lorelai got up and walked into the kitchen. Luke followed her. She went to the sink and looked out the window.
"I didn't know you wanted me there." He looked down at the kitchen table between them and saw that it was piled with different fabrics in varying shades of blue; one with tiny books printed all over it, another with small cups of coffee, a third with little brown stacks of pancakes, melting butter pats on top.
"Luke, I always want you there," She said simply, turning and looking at him.
He looked up at her "Lorelai..."
"Ok, fine, I get it: I was in trouble so you helped me out, but now that the crisis is over, we just go back to being 'diner friends'. Is that it?!" Lorelai's voice was strident now.
"What? No!.. I mean.."
"What, Luke? What do you mean?" Lorelai challenged.
"I'm here now. With coffee" he lifted the cup for her to see.
"Oh." Lorelai felt a little defeated
"Could we talk about this?" sighed Luke.
"I don't know, Luke. Can you talk about it?" Lorelai asked.
"What does that mean?"
"It means that I can babble, and bare my soul. and... and.. take off my shirt, and admit difficult things and fall off stupid ladders all for you to see. I mean right there in plain sight! But you've never, ever told me anything from your heart. And even if it's 'Gee, Lorelai you've got a great ass in a tight pair of jeans, but you're way to crazy for me-- Can we just be 'diner friends'?' Then fine I'll accept it and move on, but, God, Luke, what, What goes on inside of you? 'Cause I really want to know."
Luke looked at her and blinked.
"I swear to God, Lorelai, you are a like damned roller-coaster!" he blurted.
"Yeah, well at least I keep moving forward!" she shouted.
"Don't you mean running away?!" he was shouting now too.
"Whatever, Luke! Whatever! I'm wrong and crazy again, but you're not getting away from me until I know some things. Some things about what you, Luke Danes, actually feel. 'Cause I have questions, pal. Questions that only you can answer about whatever the hell it is that goes on inside of you." They glared at each other across the unmade quilt on the table.
And so Luke made a decision.
"Like what?" he asked.
"What? You mean you'll answer my questions?" asked Lorelai, suspiciously.
"Yep, fire away." he put his hands on his hips, lifted his chin and looked her levelly in the eye.
"O-o-k." said Lorelai, a little nervous now. But here it was. Here was the moment that must be faced.
"Why didn't you come to the funeral?"
"Because I don't feel comfortable with those kinds of people."
"But why didn't you come for me, Luke?"
"Because I couldn't stand to see your mother talk to you like that again."
"What? Why? That's how she always is..." Lorelai was confused.
"I don't care. You don't belittle people you love, especially when they are hurt. You don't constantly belittle them until they are reduced to feeling that they can only disappoint people in the world. If you are fucking lucky enough to have a family in this life-You Don't Treat Them That Way!" Luke roared.
"Oh. Wow." Lorelai just stared.
"Yeah, well, I wouldn't have been responsible for what I would have said, even in public, even at a funeral, if I heard her talk that way to you again. Do you understand?"
"Yes." Lorelai said quietly, her eyes large.
"Next question?"
"Were you ever seriously interested in me? I mean did you ever want me too?"
"Yes. Of course, I did. But you kept running away and I thought you weren't interested, so I tried to settle into friendship with you, thought that was what you wanted-but it was so damn hard."
Lorelai nodded, "I tried to explain all that to you."
"Yes, you did." "Did you wear the suit I bought you when you married Nicole?"
Luke sighed. "Yes."
Lorelai's eyes began to well and Luke shifted uncomfortably.
Then she asked softly, "What were you thinking when you married Nicole?"
"That this was my only chance." he let out.
"Oh." and after a pause, "It wasn't."
"Wasn't it?"
"No." They stared at each other again.
"Luke, do you have any feelings for me now at all, beyond friendship, that is?"
"I have loved you for years."
"What?" Lorelai caught her breath.
"I have loved you for years," repeated Luke "I've wanted to alternately throttle you and kiss you. You drive me crazy. You are so beautiful that I still get butterflies in my stomach every time I see you. You infuriate me and yet I want to make love to you and... and just never stop." his voice was hoarse now, his eyes as wet as hers.
Lorelai turned away to the sink, her hand to her mouth.
Luke set the cup of now-cool coffee on the table and walked over to her, he turned her shoulders so that she faced him. They wrapped their arms around each other, she lay her face on his chest.
They breathed together now as they held one another. The room was still.
"Luke, do you think we could stop hurting each other and have what we want with each other?" she asked into his chest.
"I don't know," he only had the truth left now, but it didn't hurt too bad.
"Do you want to even try?" she asked.
"Yes." his voice was steady now.
"Me too." she whispered.