A/N: A humorous oneshot inspired by Aveline's request during "The Long Road" quest that Hawke "knock first" before visiting and KyeShgall's story "Effortless Grace," here on ffn. Rated 'T' for innuendo.
Anything you recognize belongs to the Dragon Age series and its respective owners!
It was late, and the halls of the Viscount's Keep were nearly deserted, except for the guards and templars (who now seemed ubiquitous) stationed here and there to keep watch. They normally would have questioned any visitors arriving after dark, but they had become quite accustomed to the Champion doing exactly as she pleased. A lot of the laws that applied to the average citizen of Kirkwall seemed to get a little bent where Lillian Hawke was involved.
Lillian hopped up the marble steps two at a time, followed by her trusty dwarf Varric and Isabela, the pirate without a ship. The three headed towards the guard barracks, their boots echoing loudly in the vast stone entryway of the Keep.
It had been awhile since any of them had seen their friend Aveline. While her duties as Guard Captain always kept her busy, she had always managed to make time to bust the heads of some unruly thugs with Hawke or join the group's weekly game of Wicked Grace at the Hanged Man, but lately…the redhead's company was becoming a lot harder to come by. Lillian was much too nosey to let that slide and had recruited Isabela and Varric to tag along as she went to find out just what Aveline found more worthwhile than a card game with all of them.
The barracks, too, were mostly barren, the off-duty guards either asleep in their assigned bunks or spending their free time away from the Gallows. The door to the Captain's office was closed, but light drifted out from beneath it, and voices could be heard – faint and muffled.
"Well," Hawke mused quietly, with an arched brow. "Whatever she's doing, it isn't paperwork. Unless she's started talking to herself."
"Maybe she's practicing some 'witty' retort to use on me." Isabela offered with an amused smile, confident that she (almost) always got the upper hand in her exchanges with the stern Guard Captain.
"Now, Rivaini, you know it's not nice to mock Aveline when she's not even here to defend herself." Varric piped up with a slight smirk.
"What do you call your novels, Varric? But, then, I suppose the guard in Hard in Hightown doesn't resemble her at all." Isabela looked smug.
"Touché, Rivaini. Touché."
Hawke eyed the Captain's door, the light still streaming from underneath, the muffled voices still barely audible, and then glanced back to her two companions. "I suppose we really ought to be going, then. Aveline's clearly busy…."
"Probably." Isabela agreed, and Varric quickly conceded with a "Yeah, we should."
No one moved for a moment, and then there was a flurry of hushed activity as all three at once dashed to the door, placing their ears as close as they dared to eavesdrop on Kirkwall's Captain of the Guard.
At first, they couldn't quite make out what was being said on the other side, but soon, the clear sounds of feminine giggles issued from beyond the door. A deeper, masculine laugh followed.
"Donnic." Hawke mouthed silently, and her other two conspirators nodded in quiet agreement.
*thud!*
There was a dull noise against the door, and the three froze in place, sure they had been caught, but a shriek of laughter from Aveline (in place of an angry shout) proved that they were still safe.
"What if I touch you there?" Donnic's voice was husky.
Another giggle from Aveline. "That's hardly fair! I can't reach you from here." There was another thud – against a wall, this time – and the sound of a vase breaking.
"The benefits of good aim and a long weapon, love." He chuckled. "Seneschal Bran will love to see what you've done to that vase."
"Seneschal Bran can mount it. Come here, you!" More laughter, and the sound of something bumping against furniture and walls.
Hawke pulled back from the door. It was pretty clear what Aveline was up to, and although Lillian might be accused of doing many morally questionable things, playing voyeur on a woman and her husband was not one of them. "All right, let's leave the two lovebirds alone," she whispered and turned to leave, but Isabela grasped her arm, grinning wickedly.
The pirate gestured for her to stay. This was, in her opinion, the perfect opportunity to gather incriminating evidence with which to humiliate Aveline, and she wasn't about to miss out. "I'm going to stay. This is too good to pass up. I can't wait to see Aveline's face when I bring it up."
"I'm with Hawke." Varric always was. "This is just…painful. If I listen to any more, I'll get a headache. Let's go." He urged in quiet tones.
"Oh, just a few more minutes! It won't hurt anything, and it will be fun." Isabela's dark eyes gleamed with mischief, but Hawke just shook her head, intent on departing.
Lillian took a step away, and that's when everything went wrong. Isabela still clutched her arm, and in uncharacteristic clumsiness, all three somehow ended up tripping over each other. Someone reached for the door knob to catch themselves (Hawke would later blame Isabela, but the pirate insisted it was Hawke, and Varric refused to talk about the incident. It was just too awkward to get a good story out of.), and the door swung open, all three tumbling into the room, faces as red as beets.
The sight that met their eyes was not the one they'd expected, though. Aveline and Donnic were fully clad in normal clothes, not their guard armor, but the room itself was a complete mess. Feathers were strewn literally everywhere, a few pictures had come off the wall, books had tumbled to the floor, and Aveline's normally neat stacks of papers had been tossed around the space like leaves to the wind. The Captain of the Guard herself was armed with a rather fluffy pillow – a few others, their guts spilling out over every visible surface, were littered here and there (one apparently was to blame for knocking Seneschal Bran's prized vase off its pedestal). Donnic wielded a very long feather like a sword, its tip poised to tickle Aveline's nose.
Completely unexpected.
"HAWKE." Aveline's face burned a bright red to match her hair. Lillian just chuckled sheepishly. "Uhm…hi."
With impressive haste, the three culprits untangled themselves and ran for it, passing very confused guards on their way out, Aveline's voice echoing after them.
"Didn't I tell you to KNOCK FIRST?"