Never Today
His face reminds her of a statue's. Or maybe one belonging to those wax figures in Madam Tussauds that she went to see with her friends a long time ago. Silent. Unmoving. Dead.
There's so much that is wrong with him when she sees him that it's hard to keep back a cringe. She doesn't change her expression, but only because this is the ninth time and if she's not used to it yet she has at least adapted. Reacting in any way won't help. Alex doesn't like it.
It was the sound of his bag hitting the floor that first alerted her. She never quite understood how he managed to make the door soundless (to her at least, Alex always seemed to react when she opened it). But the bag hitting the floor is Alex' way of saying 'I'm home' on these days. No one can say that she doesn't learn quickly.
So when she hears he's home she calmly walks out of the living room and looks him over quietly. She hugs him carefully, helps him out of his jacket (because he is clearly exhausted) and takes him to bed. It's late and she should already be asleep because in eight hours she'll be in the schoolyard delivering artificial smiles to the children. She'll have to laugh and be stern and fair and everything a good teacher should be. She has a temper, at times, and exhaustion won't help her. At the very least, Alex has made her more patient and in control of herself, but she has limits.
She has already given up on sleep tonight.
She sits down and for one terrifying moment she doesn't know what Alex will do. But he kicks off his shoes and sits down next to her, his eyes looking down into her hair. They sit like that for some minutes, him staring and her waiting. She can smell him. He's hurt again, there's blood on his clothes. She doesn't like it. Her heart is bumping in her chest and her eyes are burning.
She wants to say something but even as her mouth opens her voice refuses to comply.
Alex is Alex, she tells herself. Alex doesn't want to be spoken to or comforted or anything like that. He wants silence, darkness and perhaps the presence of another human being. He's her something (she can't define it and probably never will, but she knows that somehow they fit).
There's something dark about him. He has so many secrets and he rarely explains what he does, and even when he does the explanations seem meaningless. Their friends know him as the banker. She tells them how he works for a bank and how he's very successful, which is why they can afford this two storey flat in the one of the best parts of London. Her friends joke about how dreadfully boring he must be, which she laughs off with a smile before beginning a story of their last adventure holiday.
The adventure holidays are always a good subject for her conversations with her friends. It's a safe subject.
Alex draws her to him, into the present and into his embrace. His head is resting on top of hers and his arms are secured around her. She feels safe and that is what Alex wants her to feel. He desperately wants to protect her which is why she forgives his lies (for now, one day things must change but not today, never today). And she already guessed a bit. You don't get gunshot wounds or stab wounds by being a banker. She knows there is a good reason why he installed all that security in their flat the second she moved in. There has to be a legitimate reason for all the files on all of their neighbours that she one day found on his desk (the one day he forgot to lock the study).
She leans up to kiss his face, careful to avoid the bandage around his head. She tastes the salt (of sweat or tears?). She thinks she must love him. She would be content to stay here forever. She knows that won't happen.
Alex falls backwards onto the pillows, pulling her down with him, and as she looks at him he gives her a soft smile before he closes his eyes and moves a bit to get comfortable. Her head is on his chest and she moves down to avoid the jutting point on his arm.
Tomorrow she'll try asking. Just a simple question, calmly asked, while she stares into his eyes. Alex won't answer and she'll let it go. For now.
One day things must change, but not today, never today.