Disclaimer: I don't own Secret Circle.
A/N: Feeling kinda down right now, so not in the mood to write a long note. I decided to randomly write this for Karurachan1 and BrutalicTragedy. And yes, it will be a multi-chap.
Enjoy.
You don't know why you love her. She's treated you like the ground she walks on every single day of your life since you met her, and somehow that keeps you hanging on. Because in some fucked up way, it makes you feel like you're something to her, as if the sole fact that she even notices you is enough to get you through the day. And it is, to a point. But you want her to be different. You want her to be nice to you, to listen to you when you know she's putting herself and the rest of your friends in danger.
And she's been playing with danger a lot more now that she's met him.
It isn't that you're jealous of him because you're not. You know she's not interested in him, and you really don't think he's interested in her. But you do have competition. And she flaunts it because she knows your secret. She knows and she's threatened to tell everyone. You're nervous, frightened that she might share what you've had locked in your head and your heart for so long.
You wouldn't put it past her.
And it's not just him she shoves in your face, no, it's her as well. You never thought in your lifetime that you would have ever heard her say those words, and you don't think it's even real, that she's just making it up, but you've seen the looks, the way they talk together. Something's there. You just don't want to believe it.
So you busy yourself with your ex-boyfriend, who you can't even figure out anymore, and schoolwork, and you try to block her from your mind. But you can't. She's lodged herself in your thoughts like a parasite, like a contagious illness, and you're infected. You wish there was a cure, a treatment to make it less painful, but you're stuck with suffering from the disease.
You remember the day you met her. She was that girl who always stole your crayons, the one who pulled your hair when you annoyed her, the one who bullied you in the hallways and took your lunch money with no intention of ever paying you back. You would never cry at the time she did anything, and she never had the satisfaction of seeing you when you finally gave in and let the tears stain your cheeks.
When you and Adam began dating, the insults and incidents were far and few between, but they still happened. That's why you always held onto him, as if he was your human shield in the shoot-out. But when he left town for two weeks with his father, that's when things started to change. She hit you harder and with more brutality than you had ever felt in your life, not just physically, but with words and the beginning of her powers. She knew what she was, long before you knew you were the same, and she almost destroyed you.
But you didn't let her.
You fought back, you told her you weren't going to take her abuse anymore, and she stepped down. She let you win, but she didn't give in to you. She did things in spite of you, just to piss you off and maintain her confidence. She knew she could get under your skin, first with dating Jake, then taking Melissa away from you.
She took and never gave anything. The only thing she ever did for you was comfort you when your dog died, and you still don't even know why she did. You thought she had changed, that she had become your friend, and she was, but she didn't treat you like one. But soon you came to terms with reality and you never tried to make her like you.
But the problem was…You loved her.
You fell in love with her, all because your dog died. No matter how many times you told yourself you were just upset and you appreciated that she held you while you cried, it wasn't enough to sway your emotions. And you accepted it, to live with the curse. You thought you had buried it deep down, where you were sure she'd never find it, but she did. She showed up on your doorstep one night during a thunderstorm and she caught you watching her as she changed her clothes in your room. She forced it out of you when you didn't have a valid reason and she holds it over your head even to this day.
You made sure no one else found out.
With the truth in her mind, she tortured you, throwing her physical relationship with Jake in your face, kissing him every time you were around just to hurt you. And she succeeded. She would tell you everything in explicit detail, and she made sure you listened. But the only thing you focused on was her, what she felt, what she saw. She didn't realize that you were learning her weaknesses while she was treating you as the weak one.
That didn't stop her, though.
Jake left and she realized she had no one to use, until she climbed in through your window and took you before Adam ever could. She marked you as her own, a puppet for her own entertainment, and you were hooked. She captured you with a single kiss and you were trapped beneath her, gasping for air and screaming her name. And the next day, she acted as though you had dreamt it, like it had never happened.
She pulled you apart from the inside out, and you willingly allowed her to destroy you, to demolish every wall you had built up to keep her out. And you learned to accept her indifference in the light. But once you were falling asleep, your window opened and she claimed you over and over, night after night.
You couldn't argue or protest because you were certain the second you did, she would turn on you. And you had seen her do it before, to Adam when he refused to take her side against you in a disagreement. She turned on Adam, spreading lies about him throughout high school, and you were sure she'd do the same.
What you want to say to her is never voiced. She allowed you to be the leader of the circle, but she never listened to you. You were sure she gave you the freedom because the others needed your guidance, but she couldn't be bothered with your rules.
The day Cassie moved in with her grandmother was the beginning of the end. Faye left you one night, curled in a ball and sobbing that you loved her, and she never came back to you. Instead you found her watching Cassie, always glancing at you when you were around at the same time, and you watched as she made her move, like a lioness after her prey. And that's how you saw it, the way Faye licked her lips while talking to Cassie, as though she was devouring her with her eyes. But you didn't doubt that that was exactly what was going through her mind.
You went to bed that night, but you didn't sleep. Faye had managed to rip your heart out and impaled it on a picket fence, and all it took was her eyes on someone else. You forced yourself to let go, to pull the hook out of your heart, but it was too deep, and you gave in, drowning in your own pain. She came to you the next morning before school and filled your head with indestructible images and detail of her night, and you let her. You couldn't tell her to stop.
And with every word, you felt the scorching heat from your chest, your blood boiling as you tried to find an acceptable reason to spare Cassie's life. But you would never be able to hurt her, especially when you knew she couldn't be blamed. She was your friend and you were sure Faye had pulled her underwater the exact same way she had done to you.
But you knew Faye's weaknesses. You had learned them, memorized them even, just from her gloating and torture. When she used to come to you in the middle of the night, you knew exactly how to touch her and where without instruction, simply because she had foolishly given away her secrets, the key to unraveling her. You think that's what changed everything, why she left you, because you knew her intimately.
And it scared her.