Summary: Lucia was an ordinary kid who wasn't the best kid in school, nor the worst. She had friends, a supporting family, and some...minor tendencies to goof around in class and do stupid things. She never expected herself to die in a freak accident at the age of 22 while still in college...only for her to be...reborn...in a completely wacky, weird universe unlike her own...the world of Durarara! Who is she now? Why, she's (now a he!) living a life stomping on cell phones, setting fire to a chess board, and maniacally plotting world domination. She's Izaya Orihara, self-insert, OC reincarnation fic. Not like the typical shit with everything goes grand for OC. Nope. I will not go easy on her. This is the first DRRR self-insert OC reincarnation fic ever. O.O So, let's go!

A/N:Hello, everyone! How are you all today, I hope you're all doing well. Anyway, I was sitting on my bed today, suffering from cramps and Aunt Flo, and complaining mentally about having only 3 hours of sleep. And I had no mental ideas. I was barren. Until I started thinking about the disturbing lack of good quality OC Reincarnation fics. And thought about doing a Magi one with Alibaba. Now, on only three hours of sleep, I managed to conjure up a brilliant idea. I hope this A/N won't be too long, so let me just transcribe the rest.

A/NN: I think I've established already that I love Izaya to death. And I've written a Gundam Wing fanfic with a self-insert, and surprisingly, it turned out to be really, really good. I really enjoyed the concept and to my surprise, there were no self-inserts fics in the Gundam one. There are lots and lots of these stories in Naruto fanfiction, in Harry Potter, in Twilight. But barely any for like Gundam, Durarara, and Magi. I found that I enjoyed it. I already work on a fic where Izaya is a former wizard known as Harry Potter. I found that I loved writing from his perspective...then I found myself wondering...I just now found myself googling up 'weird ways to die.' And one of them...was of people who were crushed to death...by...vending machines. Turns out, seriously, that it doesn't just happen in dRRR, it happens in real life. People have tried to shake vending machines and wound up being pinned beneath them, crushed to death. I was thinking it sounded like a crazy thing Izaya and Shizuo would do, and I started thinking, 'Wow, what if someone were to self-insert as a DRRR character? That'd be awesome.

So, I started thinking...Celty? Nah, she's headless, that wouldn't work. Shinra? No, he's too weird. Anri? No, that'd be too sad. Mikado? No, he's still interesting...so then I was either deciding on Shizuo or Izaya, but I decided that Izaya's so fucking weird, you know unpredictable, that no one would ever believe him if he said he was a reincarnation of someone else. See? They'd think he was lying, plus of his talk of death and Valhalla and all that...it certainly makes him a fun character, but it makes it even more funny and interesting to have someone reborn as the completely twisted, Izaya and see them try not to be like him. Maybe he'll still be the same fucked up psychopath he is in canon, or maybe he'll be a bit different. But Ikebukuro's fun to cause trouble in. There are certain things OCs can't change in my stories. This way, there aren't any Mary Sues. Alright, enough of the long-ass A/N.

"To the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure,"-J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

"Don't feel bad, I'm usually about to die," Rick Riordan, the Battle of the Labyrinth.

Per Ironiam Fatum

Chapter One; That's the way the Vending Machine falls, or how I learned to stop whining and learned to love humans...and...Ikebukuro?

Life. Death.

Did you know that every minute that passes on the planet Earth, about 267 people are born and then 108 people die? And this all happens in the span of a single day, doesn't it? Humans are born and then they end as quickly as they happen. For example, sometimes women get pregnant and have kids, other times they miscarry. Other times they give birth to babies only for them to die early.

Or people will die in car accidents, drunk driving.

We never really stop to think about it, but the things we take for granted can really be taken away all so easily, in the blink of an eye, before we can react, even. Honestly, I never thought that my life could end so fast. But bam, one second it was here, next second, it was gone.

But now I'm living a completely screwed-up life that's unlike anything I've ever done before, and enjoying it, but at the same time I'm greatly disturbed by it. Right, so where was I? I was talking about all the ways to die, right?

As a child, it kinda fascinated me to read about the way people died. It was very interesting, I read about people like Tycho Brahe who died of intestinal blockage, of people who got crushed to death by elevators, of people who fell down stairs and died, of people who throw themselves out of windows and die.

There are people who die of ordinary things like the flu, cancer, heart disease, diabetes, pneumonia, or a heart attack. Then some far too mundane things like suicide and other unnatural things like murder.

But, then there are the times where people die completely extraordinary deaths. Or the times where their deaths aren't suicide, aren't car accidents, aren't murder, but are so weird you just doubt they could happen. Like you know, there are freak accidents you read of every day in the newspaper.

Like sometimes they'll mention that the person died in some general way, but you go online and it says that the person died when a circus elephant stomped them to death, or they were mauled by tigers. Or maybe the person was accidentally killed by an angry clown.

Okay, now I'm just making shit up, but seriously, when you think about it, the ways people live and die are all very, very interesting. And like I said, we can be here living one minute and then be gone the next. Life and death is just so natural that it's amazing how many times people go out of their way to pretend it doesn't happen, to deny its existence.

Me? Well, I can safely say that I understand. Life can end in one second and then death can come about. Because, I had it happen to me. But, I doubt you'll believe me. I doubt you'll believe anything I have to say, because the kind of person I am now is the kind of person no one likes to believe, or someone that everyone likes to think of as the bad guy, someone who always says and does bad things.

What if maybe I'm telling the truth about something just this once, hmm~? Now, this is my story of how I was an ordinary human being, living in the normal reality, where fiction didn't exist, except as fiction, where vending machines did not get plucked out of the ground and thrown at people, where people didn't fall in love with severed heads, where talking swords did not exist, and everything was delightfully boring.

This is my story of how I somehow came to be in this extravagant (and crazy world.) I doubt you will believe all of it. It's going to be a fun ride, it's nothing like what you'd expect, especially considering who I am now likes to embellish things. And what's wrong with exaggerating things a little bit? It might be fun; I might have gotten used to lying a little over the course of my second life.

Though really, the most awkward thing about this new life has to be my new gender, that's hard enough. So anyway, who am I? Well, a while ago, I was just an ordinary teenage girl living an ordinary life, going to college and making friends. I wasn't the most socially active person, then again I wasn't an introvert, either.

I liked to read a lot of books, study things, and think. I wasn't a girly-girl or a tomboy, I liked wearing make-up and fashion; that sort of thing, wearing coats and hoodies. I just wore whatever I wanted. I was the kind of person who didn't stand out much in junior high or high school. I just did whatever I wanted to do in class, which isn't what the teachers wanted, of course.

In elementary school, I was almost always down in the office for something I did or didn't do right, most of the time being the little brat I was, I just laughed it off. Maybe I was a little manipulative, but I was mostly innocent back then. So my name then was...Lucia. And so much time has passed that I don't even remember my last name. Isn't that awkward?

I can remember all the ways people die, I can remember how I died in my old life, my family, the name of my pet dog..and my pet fish. But I can't remember my last name. That's really, really embarrassing.

So anyway, I guess I was an ordinary kid who happened to have a thing for anime, but I wasn't an obsessed fan, I was more casual with it. So I wouldn't remember the titles off the top of my head, but I'd be able to remember the characters. Like I liked Naruto, Bleach, the one about the alchemists...that sort of thing.

But if there was one series that I really took a shine to, it was Durarara. It was one about a real life place in Japan where crazy stuff happened. It was so surrealistic, yet at the same time, I couldn't help but be drawn to it, and as a kid living a boring life in junior high, what was more exciting than reading it? And up to the point where I died, I was still actively reading it.

It was probably my favorite to read besides Free, Higurashi, Hetalia. But I was busy with college classes, courses, like philosophy, science, engineering...too busy to worry about manga or roleplaying.

So I was around twenty-two when I died. Now, how did I die, you ask? Like I was saying, I didn't die by jumping off a building, slitting my wrists like an emo kid, falling out a window, dying in a car accident, or set my house on fire. I didn't drown, either.

How did I die?

Well, I died when a vending machine fell on me. I'm not joking, that's how it happened. A fucking vending machine fell on me and killed me. That's how it happened, I swear; would I lie~?

I certainly don't lie about things like death; that's how I've always been, even today...even if I am kind of a...screwed up person now, heh heh.

So, how exactly did I die by something this bizarre, you ask?

Well, on the day that I died, I was walking around the college campus with my friends. We got thirsty on a hot summer day and decided to stop for a drink. It was kind of a windy day, so you knew there were lots of things blowing around, naturally. But there was going to be a storm later that day.

Maybe it was like the remnants of a hurricane...maybe it was just an ordinary windy day, I don't know. Somehow, we got thirsty, we wanted drinks, and like usual, you insert your dollar bill or quarter in, select your drink, wait for it to come crashing down, stick your hand in and then take it out...right? And then you walk away, alive.

That's not what happened to me that day. Apparently, the list for Lucia that day was; vending machine falls on her and her life is tragically cut short, the end. Well, that's not what happened. My friends put in their orders and it worked, but for some reason, once I put in my orders, the vending machine didn't work right, so I tried to fiddle around with it, trying to put my dollar bill back in...but I heard the clang of the drink so I knew it was there.

So I stuck my hand in, trying to grab it.

Suddenly a huge gust of wind came and blew it over, and the last thing I remember is seeing the giant machine falling towards me and my friends screaming at me to get out of the way. But then I remember nothing but a huge...bang.

That's it. That's how my life ended. Rather dramatic, isn't it?

But really, who would exaggerate such a thing? Of course when you die in such a traumatic and amazing way like that, being killed by an inanimate object, of course you're going to remember it.

Reincarnation, the afterlife...I never really believed that stuff could happen until it did. But I'd read fanfics before about people being reborn as anime characters, but nothing could have even prepared me for the new life I was going to get...as a person who was not a hero nor a good guy by any means.

So what am I doing right now with my life?

Well, a lot of interesting things.

Right now, I am typing all this out to myself on my cell phone as I am walking down the street. My left hand is in my jacket pocket and the right is writing this down as we speak...er, text, I suppose.

I have quite a few messages from other people on it. I am quite a...social person in this new life. I have a lot of people around. I'm just writing this stuff down because I know anyone who'd read it wouldn't believe it. They would just think I was lying, or telling a tall tale, which I usually do, now.

But really, if anyone ever told you you were one day going to be reborn as the villain in a story, you would probably laugh at them and tell them to shut up.

It's a nice, sunny day out in Ikebukuro, the sun's out...all that boring stuff. I didn't really care about that stuff. I was just trying to make my way downtown, walking fast...homebound, as fast as possible. But maybe I was also...anticipating this.

IT was something that was so predictable by now that I'd grown used to it. That's how life in the Durarara universe works, extraordinary shit happens, deal with it.

As I was walking, I saw people looking at me, some with fear, others backed away a little, others were merely annoyed. Yep, I could tell that they already knew what my reputation was, not that I gave a damn, really.

The character I am now doesn't have the best reputation, so who's to say I'd be able to change their opinion? People are people, they're fickle and you can't change them no matter how hard you try.

I've always been interested in observing people, a little bit.

But I was so engrossed in texting this story up on my phone (and saving it to a secret place so no one but me could find it, I'm paranoid that way. But even in my old life, I hid diaries and notebooks in secret, secret places. Somehow, my parents always found them. Apparently, I wasn't as good as I thought.) that I guess I didn't notice...him coming until he was really, really close to me.

And by who...why, I heard him coming before I saw him...predictably. This was one of my favorite characters in the show before I was THROWN into it.

I heard loud, menacing footfalls behind me.

Then I heard the sound of metal being ripped from the ground, and I heard two very familiar sounds that either did two things; one, made me squeal with joy at being in the world of anime, or two; made me terrified and want to run away. Not that I'd say it out loud, of course.

"I-IIIIIIZAAAAYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-KUNNNNNNN!"

Yup, that's who I am now. You didn't think so?

I'm the troll of Ikebukuro, Izaya Orihara. Shocking, isn't it? I never dreamed I'd be reborn as Izaya, but it's both fun and scary at the same time.

Instantly, I jumped back, very used to this. It was one thing to watch Shizuo and Izaya fight on the screen, but it was another thing to be Izaya with Shizuo throwing shit at you every day. At first, you're scared, but then you're fascinated, too. Gradually, you just get annoyed.

Well, time to put away the phone. I was a little annoyed at being bothered.

I smirked at him, settling into my new role. Not that I couldn't have some fun with this, of course. "Oh, I didn't see you there, Shizuuuuu-chan~. Not until you pulled out that stupid stop sign."

'At least it's not a vending machine,' I thought. I was still terrified of them. And how could I not be, having been crushed to death by one in a previous life, and the odds of Shizuo crushing me to death with a vending machine in this life were very, very high.

Let's just say that being Izaya...means tons and tons of people are out for your blood. And as a result, I had to get used to this, and it's made me extra paranoid...and maybe a bit nuts, too. But everyone here's nuts. Even Mikado. Remember the ballpoint pen incident? I couldn't sleep for weeks after reading it.

Right, back to the annoying loudmouth no one likes...

"IIIIZAAYYAAA-KUN, WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT BEING IN IKEBUKURO, HUHHHHH?" He screamed, as the familiar bartender approached. He looked even scarier in real life. When I was a chick, I guess I had a bit of a crush on him, but now I was...over that, of course. It was more like sheer terror, and annoyance.

He was, for lack of a better word, predictable. As usual, he held the stop sign in his hands, looking like he wanted to kill me with it. Well, when didn't he? To him, I wasn't Lucia, I was Izaya, the guy who deserved to die. Would his opinion ever change? Probably not.

Not that I'd tell him, of course. Some things are best left as secrets.

"IZAAYAAAA...WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU, dammit?" He growls.

I notice people taking pictures of us. We're celebrities, practically. I used to be so camera shy as a girl that I'd run and hide, but that was in the past, really.

Smirking slightly, I dodged and pulled out the switchblade. I used to cry as a girl if I so much as CUT myself with a knife, but it didn't bother me so much now. Come on, when you're dealing with batshit insane people like Shizuo, you've got to be prepared. And if that means, that this new life makes you unhinged, then it makes you unhinged.

I'm not afraid to admit that.

"Oh, Shizu-channnn, ever predictable. This is why you're so boring you make me want to vomit. Why don't you get your ugly face out of here before I slash your chest, hmm? You're so boring you piss me off."

"YOU PISS ME OFF, YOU DAMNED FLEA!" He cried as he swung the stop sign at me, and people nearby cheered. Apparently, if I, Izaya, was a sociopath, then everyone else, was, too.

I dodged, used to having to run for my life every single freaking day, it didn't mean you didn't start to enjoy it a bit. But this is a manga. And people don't act rationally in manga, do they? Especially when you're the antagonist of the said manga.

So I started running down several parts of Ikebukuro, and Shizuo did the same stuff as usual, screaming that I should die. I was used to this and it didn't bother me anymore. It was a nice way to get exercise. And besides, if there was one thing I enjoyed about all this, it was that I got to interact with my favorite character ever: Celty.

Yeah, I know Celty doesn't like Izaya, but I secretly liked her character. If I got to see her, I was a little bit happier than usual.

The next thing I heard, I heard a vending machine being thrown at me, I dodged again, not wanting to die from those disgusting things. A few days ago, Shizuo had almost broken my leg with that. Damn him.

Then I heard two very familiar voices.

"Oh no, Masaomi, what are we gonna do? Orihara-san and Heiwajima-san are fighting again!"

"Let's take a different route, Mikado. We don't wanna run into either of them!"

Yep, that's what you get for being Orihara Izaya, a guy who thinks of himself as the number one most liked guy on earth, but really no one likes you but yourself...and Shinra.

When you're Izaya, you have three subjects, me, myself, and I.

I paused as I turned at the end of the alleyway I was currently in, with Shizuo behind me, looking very frustrated.

"WHY WON'T YOU DIE?" He screamed.

I wanted to say because I'm the antagonist and the plot would be pointless without me in it, but I kept my mouth shut.

"Because you're so stupid you can't kill me even if you wanted to, Shizu-chan." I taunted.

"Now you're gonna die!" He cried as he flung another stop sign at me, which I dodged. In boredom, I aimed the knife at him and cut his shoulder.

"DAMN YOU, FLEA!"

"If I'm a flea, then you're a lowly cockroach, Shizu-chan~." I said.

"You're the filthy cockroach."

Boy, Shizuo was stupid. There were times when the guy could be brilliant, but then other times where the guy was brain-dead.

Suddenly a very familiar figure approached. Celty. Instantly, I put away the knife.

"Hi, Celty!" I said sarcastically, pretending I'd done nothing wrong.

Celty came rolling to a stop in front of us and then extended her shadows, ensnaring both of us.

"Look, it's the Black Rider!" Someone cried, and then they started snapping pictures...again.

'Are you all right, Shizuo?' Celty wrote on her Ipad, ignoring me.

"Damned flea's starting trouble as usual," He growled before realizing I was doing the typical behavior like usual, sneaking away.

"DAMNED FLEA!"

"Shizuo, you've got work," Tom Tanaka said, apparently having spotted us and caught up with us.

Shizuo sighed and then put down the stop sign.

"This isn't over, you damned flea. I'll kill you tomorrow."

Predictable. Not that I wasn't used to it. Insanity was my everyday life.

"And where do you think you're going, Izaya?' Celty wrote as her shadows extended around me. I knew that she didn't like me. But would she believe me? I considered that for a second, then decided...no. No one would ever believe Izaya capable of good.

It was impossible. Like people could believe that Psyche, and the other Izaya alternates were capable of good, but not Izaya? Hypocrites.

"I don't know what happened, Shizu-chan just decided to chase me, that's all, Celty. I did nothing wrong."

She looked at me for a few moments, then shook her head-pardon me, I meant-shook her neck. Considering that I'm Izaya and I know where her freaking head is...it's kinda creepy. For starters, it looked kinda like Rena's head from Higurashi, and that scared me. Yeah, what if Celty pulled out a hatchet and screamed "USO DA!" when she got her head back? I'd be scared to death.

Why were they so obsessed with her head, anyway? It was just a stupid head. IT was annoying. But no, unlike the ordinary Izaya, I'm not obsessed with it. It's just there.

Celty gave me a 'look' from her helmet that could only be described as disgust before she wrote, 'Why do you always bother Shizuo? He's trying to live his life the best he can. Why?'

I sighed, I was used to these interrogations. Back when I was a girl, I could remember being sent to the office for 'hitting the bully' who threw spitballs, paper airplanes and rubber bands at me regularly. I threw scissors at him and knocked him out. Instead of being rewarded as a hero, I was sentenced to a month's detention.

Why was I recalling that now, of all times? I shrugged.

"Because I felt like it," I said. That was the honest truth, really.

Celty shook her head-no, sorry I meant neck and wrote again, 'Don't you have better things to do than bother people? You're the lowest form of existence there is.'

"I'm well-aware of that," I said in annoyance. "Say hi to Shinra for me."

'Where do you think you're going? I'm not finished talking to you yet,' Celty wrote.

I looked at her and smiled. "I'll be on my way now."

But instantly, her shadows wrapped around me.

'You cut Shizuo's shoulder.' She wrote.

"Yeah?" I said. "He'll heal, instantly. He is unnatural, after all."

'And you're not?' She wrote back.

I thought over that for a few moments. Yes, I was unnatural. I had memories of living another life and then being thrown into a fictional world, and knew some things about the characters. I didn't know everything.

"Perhaps you have a point there, Celty. I've got business to tend to," I said. Reluctantly, she let me go. I ran, like usual. Best thing I can do.

Really, this life could be entertaining at times, but at others, it could be really, really annoying. I returned back to my office as usual, and once again, the creepy incestuous girl, Namie, ignored my existence, because to her I was the Big Bad Wolf Izaya.

So I got to have a day to myself typing up this, and I had time to think on how exactly I'd wound up in this mess. Well, as I said before, I can still recall my friends calling my name as I lay there, dying. Kinda pathetic, really.

The first thing I can remember of this new life...was..being a really young kid again. And seeing as I was a girl of somewhat above-average intelligence, I could infer I was a child again. I could tell I was living in Japan. Whatever family I was born into was a rich one. I was never bored.

But it wasn't until I was around two or three that I actually discovered who I was. I can recall it like it was yesterday, the day parents will parade their children around and discover their first words.

By this time, I'd already discovered I was now a boy. But I was used to it. At the time, I was an only child. They tried to get me to say words.

Naturally, my mother said 'Mama, Dada,' all that other stuff to get me to talk. Then she said, "Come on, Izaya-kun, tell Mama what your first word is."

The second she said that name, I froze. Did I hear her correctly...? Did she just say Izaya? There was only one Izaya I could think of. Only one, because it was such an unusual name that...sure enough, when I saw my reflection, I was Izaya. That's who I was reincarnated as.

Why did I deserve this? The first words that came out of my mouth, contrary to popular belief, were not 'Holy shit, why am I Izaya? Why is this happening?' Instead, those words were, 'I'm tired.'

That was my rational response to this, to sleep this off. That maybe I wouldn't be Izaya flipping Orihara. Didn't work.

I sighed as I put my hand on my face for a few moments, looking over my cell phone. I think I'd gotten most of the details right.

'Still, quite amusing to be killed by a vending machine. There's a chance I might die from that, too.' So why wasn't I more scared?

There was a knock on the door that jolted me out of those thoughts. Oh, yeah, I knew who that was. I had to listen to my favorite character rant about how much he hated me. Masaomi Kida was behind that door, and I knew he hated my very existence.

Like I said, to him I was the big bad Izaya.

"Yes, come on in," I said.

The door unceremoniously banged against the wall and then a blond teenager walked in, giving me as many glares as possible. I was used to this childish display by now, not that I wasn't childish myself. Everyone is. Especially this kid, though, I had to remind myself.

"Please don't break the door."

"I didn't want to come and see you, Izaya," He snapped. His way of a greeting.

"How's the weather today, Masaomi?" I said, smirking. I'd learned to smile to avoid people you hated. Especially when they wanted to rip your guts out.

He glared at me. "Same as usual."

"If you hate me so much, why come back here, Masaomi?" I said, smirking. This was kinda fun. So predictable.

"I need help," He remarked, like it was the end of the world.

"Don't you always?" I said.

He gave me a funny look then rolled his eyes. "Your sarcasm's unnecessary, Izaya."

"And so is your unnecessary hatred." I remarked. "Would you like a drink, perhaps?"

"Water would be fine," He said coldly.

"Oh, and Masaomi, please stop trying to act like a girl who has PMS." I said snidely.

That did it.

"I AM NOT IMMATURE! IF ANYONE'S IMMATURE, IT'S YOU, IZAYA!" He screamed, showing just how ironic his statement was.

I know I said I'm not a bad person, but maybe I lied, huh? Still, it's kinda fun to get a rise out of people.

"Here's your drink, Masaomi." I said, "Please try not to get too out of control now." I said, ignoring his beet-red face. "Honestly, between the two of us, I'd say I'm more mature."

That was a lie, of course. Being afraid of vending machines was definitely not what one would consider mature, that and rage-quitting video games. I even threw my game across the room once when I got mad.

Masaomi sighed as he drank his water, but glared at it as though it were poisoned before turning back to me. "You're more snarky than usual, Izaya." He spat.

"And you sound to me like a girl who's on her period, Masaomi." I said.

Instantly, while he was drinking the water, he spat it out and then stared at me with wide eyes. "What the hell's with that? I'm not like a girl! If anything, you are with that jacket!"

For a second, I almost thought he knew about my past life. That would have been awkward.

I blinked, then smiled, again. Something I'd learned how to do to deal with idiots. Something all too common in this life, sadly.

"Say, Masaomi," I said. "Saki told me something very interesting yesterday."

"What?" He said. "What did she say?"

"She told me that you're making up for something you're lacking by being nasty to me."

Instantly, the effect was hilarious. He nearly gagged on his water.

"Saki would never say that." He said.

"I know, I made it up. But you could act like a civil human being."

"Whatever," He snapped. "You're the shining example of innocence, huh?"

I sighed. Today was going to be a long, long day.