Disclaimer: I don't own anything. But Chris Colfer owns my heart.:) Summary: He wandered if feeling so empty all the time was normal, but for now, he would just carry on.
Warnings: I'm not actually sure if there are any warnings for this, but just incase, talk of depression. otherwise, enjoy.
Sometimes Blaine just didn't know.
He thought it would be easier if there was an explanation for everything. How he felt empty all the time, the dark part of his head that was protruding from the place he had tried so hard to hide since transferring to Dalton, trying to put a smile on his face. Trying. But then he got thinking.. Why? Why was he even here? It didn't seem like he had a purpose. He fell asleep every-night hoping that somehow, maybe, tomorrow would be a better day.
That day hadn't come for Blaine yet.
The day it gets better.
They say it gets better, right?
One day he knew it would change, it had to. He had seen the videos. He had seen the claims and speeches. All of it, but it didn't seem to change anything for him. He wanted things to get better. When? He didn't know. Even though right now he was stuck in this dark hole and he kept getting pulled back in.
It felt like he had been waiting for so long and he was getting tired. He was tired of everything.
How long had he been waiting for it to get better now?
Did he even deserve it?
He was the worst kind of person.
Ashamed.
A coward.
A disappointment.
F A G.
They had all told him, his father, his school.. Strangers. And strangers don't sugar coat anything. So why would they lie?
Some days weren't so bad. He had Kurt. He made everything go away. Just for awhile. The little smiles, and nudges as they were together, Blaine laying on the bed while Kurt read vogue, carrying on as always. Like they always did. Kurt always managed to make him better. Just for a while.
'Courage.'
It's kind of funny when he thought about it. He was clueless back then and the thought of having courage himself was just laughable. He'd never been strong or better enough. He'd never be as strong as Kurt. Kurt who had stood up, had courage, battled through it all and then there was Blaine.
Blaine had run.
He ran from the tormenters, he'd ran from the ones who had tried to kill him, he ran from his father. He'd ran from himself. And that was the worst thing. He couldn't even face the monster that had been left behind.
So, sometimes he thought. Maybe it would be better if he wasn't here? Maybe. He'd never be better than Cooper who had made it in the world. The perfect boy. 'Blaine, you should be more like Cooper,', 'oh, aren't you Coopers brother? You must be so proud!'
He wished he could be someone totally different sometimes. Just sometimes.
Sometimes the feeling of darkness. Being empty. Being numb. It seemed like the best thing. He didn't know how he'd cope if he could feel everything he had been hiding.
And then the guilt and shame kicked in and he knew he needed help. He'd never been normal in other people's eyes. how could he do this to Kurt?
He hoped Kurt would never know. And these feelings would disappear.
He hoped he would disappear.
One day, maybe.
But for now, Blaine was fine, he swore.
He got up everyday, ignored these feelings, he didn't cry. Real men don't cry, Blaine. He felt like he was drowning, going deeper under water and whatever direction he went he can never find the surface. These are the times where he just wished he could stay there. Just sometimes, he wished he would never wake up. That he should just go deeper. Maybe he deserved it. He wanted to breathe. It felt like the only way to make this better was to drown. Go down. But then he would remember, he can't leave Kurt. He was the only good thing.
He was just being silly as usual. He wished he could be normal. He wished he could just forget these stupid feelings and be happy.
Happiness.
He couldn't remember the last time he was happy. As a child maybe, but a long time ago.
He didn't know what to believe anymore.
He put on his smile, took a deep breath before knocking on Kurts door. Less than a minute later Burt answered with a fond smile and let him in.
He wondered if it would ever change. Would he ever live?
But he carried on. It was fine. It was just another day.