Thinking back

Stella Bonasera and Mac Taylor have been married 22 years and have 6 children. Haily Stella, born in June 1994, Amber Sienna born in March 1996, Ian Mackenzie born in April 1998, Fiona Aiden born in September 2000, Nathan Daniel born in May 2003 and Chloe Darlene bron in June 2006.

After being with the military until 1984 and after studying during that time he went to become a CSI in New York. He is a guy who pretty much keeps to himself and does not want to show when he is sad or when there is something that is bothering her.

Now he is the head of the CSI lab since 2000. He is happily married but he always made sure that his wife and children are happy. He would do everything he can to see his wife happy and without worried.

Stella Bonasera was a young detective who had studied and wanted to becoma a CSI when she met her future husband in 1985 and became his partner at the New York CSI office. She grew up in an orphanage until she was six in 1968. In that year the Ryan´s took her in as their foster daughter and at that time she had a 2 year old foster sister, Sienna. She, her sister and her parents became a real family. A happy family.

When she met Mac ste still had trust issues as a result of her time in the orphanage. But she hardly has them anymore. She was a happy part-time working mother of six and would not be happier.

On the other side there were also times that were dark during her marriage. The weeks when her beloved mother Fiona was dying while she was pregnant with Fiona Aiden in 2000. And when her father Nathan died 2002. She really adored and admired both of her parents. Her mother, aside from her sister, was her best friend. She was a total mess after both deaths, for weeks.

Aside from those incidents and the death of Mac´s father in 1997 and Aiden´s death in 2006 they were happy. Mac always knows how to make her laugh and how to make her anxiety go away.

He had always been there when she needed him. He was her hero. When she had mood swings during the pregnancies or after tough cases or when her parents died, he was never mad at her when she had lost it infront of him. He had always made her feel loved and wanted. Everytime when she thought something was her fault he always assured her that it was not her fault. She did not know what she would do without him. And how she would have survived the hard times without him.

When Mac thought back at the dark parts of their marriage it still broke his heart when he remembered how much she had suffered during each childbirth. An how much she had suffered when her parents and Aiden died. He also remembered very clearly how much Stella suffered with her sister Sienna, who had been diagnosed with Blood cancer in 1996, 1998 and 2001. She had also been diagnosed with Breast cancer in 2004 and 2006. Stella always thought that she had to protect her family.

Today

They were just returning home from work. Mac was not going back to work, bacuse it was friday. The kids would be home from School around 3 p.m.. Chloe and Nathan were takeing their nap after kindergarden.

Stella was in the kitchen preparing lunch when Mac walked up to her and wrapped his arms around her waist. She leaned into him the way she only did when something was bugging her or she was not feeling well. "Sweetheart are you alright?" As she was about to answer Haily, Amber, Ian and Fiona came home from the Waldorf School they were attending. The Little ones were going to kindergarden there, too.

"Mac we will talk later." "Alright." He kissed her check and helped her get the lunch table ready. The kids helped, too. After they finished eating the kids started doing their homework at the dining-room table as usual. Stella went to help Mac in the kitchen and said. "Honey if you do not mind I am going to lie down a bit." "Go ahead. Are yopu alright?" "No. Not really. I just want some rest." "You know where I am." "I know Mac. Thank you. Later. I am too exhausted and confused right now." "Alright. I will take care of the children."

Stella went up to the bedroom. Mac went to help the kids with homework.

After the kids finished doing their homework they went outside to play. All six of them. He decided to go upstairs to check on his wife. He went into the bedroom and found her standing in front of the window watching the kids. Her back was to the door but did not need her to look at him to know that she was crying. He walked up to her and wrapped his arms around her waist. She turned around in his arms and just cried into his chest. He did not know what the matter was but he would find out in time. He let her cry because he knew that it would help her.

After she has calms down a bit she pulls away from him and said. "Let us go to the porch." "Sure." He led her to the porch where both sat down on the bench. "Look at the kids Mac. They are playing together so nicely. All of them." "They are honey. He pulled her into an embrace. She snuggled into him. He knew better then to push her."

"Sienna came to my office today." "Why?" "She had a doctors appointment today." She had to swallow hard. "She has cancer again." Mac pulled her into a tighter hug. "Stella it is going to be alright." "No!" "Why not?" "The breast cancer is back and it has spread. It was detected too late. She is dying Mac! She is dying Mac!" She now had tears streaming down her face but it did not bother Mac that his shirt was getting wet. She buried her face in the crock of his neck. He stroked her back to try to calm her down and said soothing words, but it hardly helped any.

The kids were still playing in the back yard and their Golden Retriever Luna was sitting at Stella´s feet. It was their second dog. Their first Golden Retriever Lilli had died in 2001. Mac had given Lilli to Stella as a engagement gift in 1986.

Mac noticed that Stella started to calm down and led her up to the bedroom. "Stella why don´t I do a bath for you to relax. After that I want you to lie down and rest. I will take care of the kids and put them to bed. OK?" "Thank you." He pulled her into a hug again. She rested her head on his shoulder again and let out a sigh. It did not bother him that his shoulder was tear soaked. His main concern was to get his wife through this tough situation. He also knew that it was the same like back in 2000 when her mother died of breast cancer.

While Stella was in the tub he took care of the children and brought them to bed. Around nine thirty the little ones were sleeping and the bigger ones were in there rooms and ready or were already sleeping. Haily came into her mother´s room, to say goodnight. Stella sat up in bed against the headrest. When she saw the tears in Stella´s eyes she asked. "Are you alright mom?" Mac walked in that moment. Stella looked at him and he could see that she was not able to talk at the moment. "Haily your mother is going through a tough time. Give her time." "Ok. Dad take good care of her." "I will. Now go to bed. Goodnight!" "Night mom and dad."

After Haily left the room Mac sat down on the bed next to her. Stella looked up at him. Mac could see the sadness, worry, hurt, pain, tiredness, fear and weakness in her eyes. He saw that she was needy. She needed him. Not in a sexual way. He moved forward and was now face to face with her. She leaned into his chest without a word. He wrapped his arms around her and just let her fell his body. She needed to feel his body and his embrace. She did not cry. She just leaned into him for support. She needed his support to be able to talk again. At the moment she was unable to talk to her.

A few minutes later Stella leaned back against the headrest. Her hands gripping Mac´s hands. He was drawing circles on her palms with his thumbs. "We have to tell the kids Mac." "We will relax." He could see that she was in no state to talk to the kids. "I will tell them Stella." "Thank you Mac. It is so unfair. Mom died of breast cancer and now Sienna is dying of breast cancer too." "Stella I know. I was there. We are in this together alright? You are not alone." "Thank you Mac. She is my sister." She was now looking at their tangeled hands. Mac put a hand under her chin and made her look at him. "Sweetheart she will always be her sister. No matter what." "I know."

"She wants to die at home with her family. She quit her appartment. I told her she could spend the rest of her time here. If that is alright with you Mac. I am sorry I did not ask you this morning. I just could not say no." She looked at her lap again. Mac put a hadn under her chin and made her look at him. "Sweetheart. You do not have to apologize. She is your sister and needs us. Of course she can live with us during the rest of her time." "Thank you Mac." "It is alright Stella."

He pulls Stella into him to comfort her. After a while she falls asleep in his arms. He lais down with her in his arms. Holding her tightly to comfort her.