disclaimer: i don't own high school musical, though i feel i improve it vastly

CHAPTER 1: I'm seriously ohkeah!

I hated when doctor Hewitt would look at me as if he was looking into my soul. As if he was trying to understand me to the core. But like every doctor in the world they make up their own diagnosis. I'm not bi polar, I know sometimes when we lost a game I would fly off the handle. But that's because of my competitive nature. And I had never even been in a fight before until that… that night. "Do you not see troy? He asked in that condescending way doctor's speak to people. "You have a condition troy, denial is only part of the process" and then came the medication.

It was like a cycle, day in and day out meetings morning and night. What I could never handle the best was how they treated us like we were glass mannequins who will crack at the slightest touch. I mean I understand that some people at a mental rehabilitation center could be a few miles short of the finish line but not all of us where crazy.

"Mr. Bolton I need you to understand that in his condition" the doctor said as if I was some menace to society.

"I don't give a shit" my dad said to which I let a small smile form. "A year is all that was required; the court said a year now I want him back to his regular life"

I knew even when he said that that my life would never be regular. The drive was mostly silent. My dad never had anything to say when my parents would visit the hospital so why would he have anything to say now. I looked at him for a few seconds knowing what I was about to say was probably going to make him angry. "Have you heard from Gabi?"

"Jesus troy!" he cursed angrily. He pulled the car into the drive way and studied me for a few minutes. "You have to start being better"

I dead panned. "There's nothing wrong with me." I said it hurt when my parents said stuff like that.

"I know troy" he said "I just, we want you to just rebuild, start new" there was no way to put it gently. My father longed for the days before my insecurity began to get the best of me. He wanted me to get back to that place.

"Maybe we should move to Scotland" I said "then I can start new."

"Let's just see how the summer goes" he said getting out of the car and waiting for me so we could walk to the door together. When we got inside there was a loud surprise and an onslaught of family members, my grandmother and my awkward cousins who I didn't know that well to begin with. It was all sort of humiliating and I wish my mother had never had the stupid idea to invite all of my family to my house.

"Welcome home" my mom said holding out her arms for a hug. I stood at the door to stunned to even move.

"You're no longer in the loony bin, let's have a party!" I said sarcastically before walking to my room in humiliation. I shut the door and just looked at the room I used to call my own. It was not Troy's room; at least it didn't belong to the troy I am now. I looked at the trophies and wondered why I had ever valued them. I sat on my bed and sunk into the memory foam. It was going to take some getting used to sleeping in this bed again. I fell back and just lay there, thinking about the hospital, one eye Pete and his starting fights for fun. I looked to the left of my bed and an absence peaked my interest. There was still a wooden picture frame with the word friends carved into the surface but the picture of me and my father standing on a dock holding a huge salmon after our first fishing trip was not what was supposed to be there. Aside from the pathetic idea that I would put a picture of my father and I in a frame inscribed with the word friends, I could never forget the picture I had put in the frame so long ago. It was of the Evans twins and me and Gabi all in each other's arms after opening night of twinkle town in my 11th grade.

An over whelming feeling of anger took over. How dare they take that picture, my fucking picture! I sat up and pulled the drawer of the night stand open. I rummaged throwing things out of the drawer looking for the little black album that was nowhere in sight. All of the pictures me and Gabi had together. I pulled the drawers right out of my dresser and pulled boxes off of the shelves of my closet. I grunted and twitched in anger, my hand was on the knob when the door opened. "Troy honey" my mom cooed before seeing the state of my room "troy what are you…?"

"You took all of my fucking pictures" I yelled "where are they?"

Her eyes went wide with worry and fear which only really made me angrier. But it was more pain then anger. I felt my breathing start to quicken. "We felt it was best..."

"Well it's not!" I yelled "it's not fucking for the best I want those pictures." I could hear silence from the rest of the house and knew everyone was listening. "Enjoying the freak show!?"

"Troy just calm down" my father said from the door "everyone has gone home, just relax"

I tried breathing steady "what about the pictures?"

"Troy you can't have the picture's" he said "I don't know what part of this is unclear you need to move on troy you need to stop dwelling on Gabriella or you will never be better"

Tears where welling up in my eyes "it's not fair, it's my life, you can't just take away my life, I lived it I spent so much time…" I could see my mother in tears.

" Lucile" my father said as if to tell her they crying was not helping " troy, I know it's hard , and I saw you day by day in that place and knew you wouldn't get any better, but if this is what happens on the first day back… what would you have us do?"

Troy shook his head. It was all too much. I had missed too much. A year, it had been a year since I had last entered this house and I hadn't taken the time to take in my surroundings. My values have changed. "I need air" I said

"Do you want to shoot some hoops?" my dad asked which almost brought the bile of my empty stomach to my lips. The very idea of ever touching a basketball again made me curdle like old milk.

"No" I said picking my I pod off of the floor where I had thrown it in search of the black photo album full of pictures of Gabi. "I just need a walk, a run maybe"

"Are you sure going out is a good idea" my mom asked skeptically. "It's after 7 and…"

"Lucile if you wanted to keep him cooped up you could have left him in that hospital" my father said looking and feeling exhausted and defeated. It sent a pang of guilt to my heart to know I had put such a strain on my parents. I smiled weakly at my dad before leaving the house. I put in my earphones drowning out the rest of the world as I ran down the familiar streets I spent growing up. I made sure to steer clear of both crescent dale boulevard and meadow blossom drive. The sun was beginning to disappear on the horizon when I reached east high. I stood in front of the fountain looking up at the building that had raised me up to be a star and then tore me back down and demoralized me. It's like everything that I should look back on and rejoice about turns to ashes in my memories, lies. My life here was perfect, so why was I standing here like this now?

I walked back the way I came not feeling like running anymore. I decided to walk through the park on the way back. There was a large group of teenagers who I would have once strived to interact with had I nothing to do on a summer night but I walked on passed them, not without a few looks. They knew who I was. I heard a few lingering whispers as I kept walking, each one hitting a little harder. I didn't really know where I was going. I took a path that didn't lead in the direction of my house but I wasn't entirely sure home was where I wanted to go. Where was there? I had been gone for a year; I had been cut off from almost everyone I knew besides family for a whole year. And when I think about the fact that none of my friends came to visit me in a whole year, besides Sharpay about a week after I was admitted. I was sort of an asshole telling her to fuck off but at the time I thought her intentions where purely out of a feeling of I told you so. I didn't really have anywhere; I didn't even have a cell phone to call anyone.

I left the park and walked down a random street Turing every so often. It must of have been close to nine when I reached the 666 green tarries abandoned house that had just always been abandoned. I had been passed it a thousand times but never really looked at it, studied it. It was scared beaten and broken. Like me, like chad.

I started towards the house on the cobblestone walkway felling a weary nostalgia of my childhood. As I reached the door I stood for a second taking in my surroundings. It was pretty lame that a 19 year old was finding fun in breaking into an abandoned haunted house, but at the moment anything that wasn't a group meeting was a privilege. My hand went to the knob and I heard a cough from within. I stumbled backward falling on the porch. "Shit" I heard from inside the house. Clearly whoever it was knew I was here. I got to my feet.

"Sorry" I said "I was just, checking out the house"

The door cracked a little and an eye peered out at me. The door then opened a little wider and a familiar face made my heart beat faster. "Troy?" said the blond moped theatre twin. Of all the places for a rich kid like Ryan Evans to hang out an abandoned old house isn't one of them.

"I... I should go" I said, starting to feel waves of anxiety. "I have to get home"

Ryan looked at me like I was crazy and I felt myself cringe backwards my face reddening. I saw the jersey in my head 8. I let out a loud breath and Ryan put out his hand and I backed away. "Troy?" he repeated "breath" that caught me completely by surprise. I let out a few unsteady breaths my hands shaking.

"I'm sorry" I said "I'm just fucked up"

"Aren't we all?" he said. There was a long silence. I realized in that moment the pungent smell of pot wafting from the open door. I looked back to Ryan who blushed at our silent realization.

"Are you, smoking pot?" he blushed even more but nodded. I didn't really know how to feel about that. At the hospital no matter what your issues are alcohol and cigarettes and recreational drugs where absolutely outlawed. But they weren't in college so maybe going away changed more than one person.

"Do you want some?" he asked "or do you not do that… you know that was seriously a stupid question to ask" I bit my lip frustrated with the fact that the walking on egg shells was inevitable from people who actually gave a shit and didn't curse at me in the streets. But I would rather people actually hate me then think everything they say could somehow be taken the wrong way. I realize I'm not the only person in the world with problems but that doesn't mean I can't handle myself.

I don't know whether I was doing it to prove a point or not but I took the invitation into the house. It was dark and lit only by three or four candles but it had a half decent looking couch and a bean bag chair. There was also an I pod doc and a stack of books. Clearly Ryan spent a lot of time here. "Look you don't have to be all… crazy, I mean you don't have to walk around on egg shells because of…" I didn't know what to say. I didn't really know how much about me Ryan knew.

"Ok" he said simply he sparked up a joint inhaling deeply and exhaling.

"Habit you picked up at Julliard?" I asked

"Yeah something like that" he said while blowing out more smoke. The smell was awful. He passed me the joint and I looked down at it in my hands for a second not sure if I wanted to take that plunge. It was always something I had looked down on for years but it's not like I haven't done worse things I thought I would never do. I inhaled and coughed right away. Ryan chuckled beside me as I wiped the drool off of my face." Ok?"

"No" I said still in a fit of coughs. "that's enough for me" I said.

"Sorry" he said clearly rattled by my disgust. There was another awkward silence and neither one of us looked at each other. I felt it all going to my head and I felt my lips forming upwards into a smile that came from nowhere. "You're high now"

" I can tell" I said feeling light headed and tingly. It was one of those things I could understand now. It wasn't like being drunk. It was like being aware of my surroundings yet unaware of my issues. My problems didn't seem all that bad anymore "Do you come here a lot?"

"Yeah" he said "mostly when I want to be alone"

I nodded in understanding, sometimes you just wanted to be alone.

"So can I ask you stuff?" he asked boldly. I was constantly curious as to how I would feel if someone wanted answers about my absence for the last year. For some reason the idea of trying to expaine any of my feelings to Zeke or Jason. I don't think either one of them would understand. Ryan though, Ryan was so removed. Yeah sure he was friends with all of the wild cats briefly but he was never a close friend so I couldn't see the harm in delving even though the doctors would say it's not healthy I needed this. "I just keep saying the stupidest…"

"It's cool" I said "I guess, how much do you already know?"

Ryan frowned. Clearly he knew enough but still I wanted to know if he knew the truth or some sugar coated version told through the grape vine. "I … I know you almost killed chad Danforth"

I felt my heart sink "is that what everyone says?" I asked

"I don't know" he said shaking his head pulling another draw off the joint. "Fuck other people"

" its true" I said we made eye contact and Ryan studied me for a few seconds " I did almost kill him" I wanted to feel ashamed but I couldn't I felt guilt but what for I did not know because as much as I wanted to feel for chad all I had left was contempt. But the same could probably be said vice versa." Do you know why?"

"I've heard things" he said "but I don't care about that, I don't care about any of that I just, I want to know if you are ok" I looked at him unbelieving. Most people just wanted to be away from me. Most people hate me for what I did how come he didn't?

"I was on my way to Gabi's she had broken up with me before moving to California and I guess I didn't want to let it go. I remember chad saying he had a doctor's appointment" I said. I felt my stomach growl and ignored it. "So we left the scrimmage early and we all decided to just pack it in, so I thought it was the perfect time to go see her talk it out. She told me herself it's not because she didn't love me she told me it was because of the distance she was leaving Albuquerque and I was staying" Ryan hung on my every word. "I got to her house, the door was shut and I knocked for a few minutes with no answer. I could hear the sound of music so I just opened the door thinking she hadn't heard me. There was a jersey hanging on the banister." I felt the sting of tears in the back of my ducts.

"It was a wild cats jersey" I said breathlessly "they were fucking in her bed… so i pulled him off of her and punched him in the face, ten times maybe more I don't remember. Gabi kept yelling at me to get out, just get the fuck out. Then when he was on the ground her demands turned to pleas of don't hurt him" Ryan sat there stone faced. " my hands where bloody she was bawling and it was like I meant nothing what we had was nothing all she cared about was him and it drove me to the edge I snapped" I wiped my eyes. "And I was wrong but I never saw it that way"

"No one ever does" he said passing me back the joint. I took it even though I said I was done and inhaled forgetting about the explosion that was coming. "Hold it" I did my face was reddening and he smiled his theater boy smile. "Ok let it out" I breathed out surprised that I didn't cough so bad the second time. The hit went straight to my head and all I could see was white for a second before I nearly fell over.

"Whoa"

"People always just judge all the bad shit you do they never try to see the good" Ryan said "it's a lesson we all learn I guess, you just learned it right out of high school" I looked at him then. He never let anything slip past is demeanor. He was a locked diary. Mine was open completely.

"After I hit him, after I had is blood on my hands…" I felt the tears welling up again and I wiped it away "all of his sins where wiped clean" I was wrong for hating them I needed to mend I needed to heal I needed to accept but I didn't want to. Ryan put a hand on my shoulder I turned to him and it the memories hit me hard. His page boy hats, weeks before I went away dancing with him for the graduation musical rehearsal his hair was significantly longer than his usual short and clean. He also didn't seem to have the colorful wardrobe I was so accustomed to him wearing. He was in a simple hoodie and black skinny jeans. He was there but it's like he was new.

"It's ok, I get it" he said "you hate him, and you will never forgive him" it's like he was reading my mind. " everyone will tell you to find it within yourself but its ok I understand no one can tell you how you should feel only you can do that" I looked at him straight in the eyes his sincerity clear on his perfectly toned ivory features and a switch went off in my head. A smile formed on my lips he chuckled "I know some deep shit eh? Probably won't remember it in the morning." My smile turned into a frown

"That's unfortunate..." I said, he shrugged blushing a little. "What time is it anyway?"

"Nine forty five" he said. I wanted to stay but I was gone at least two hours now my mom would be bleeding at the cuticles.

"I don't want to… but I better get going" I said reluctantly "my parents..."

"It's cool" he said "do you want a ride?" I nodded and we left the abandoned house together he had park on the drive way between the house he only had enough room to get in his door so he had to back up to let me in but after that he was driving at an almost speeding pace. Part of the street over was all torn up and under construction and Ryan smiled devilishly at me. "should I knock over a pylon?" he asked me.

"That would be pretty reckless" I said hoping he would be so bold. He carefully edged towards a pylon and knocked it over we both laughed for a few seconds at a stop sign before moving on. When he dropped me off at home the realization of what my life was set in.

"Troy…" he said studying me for a long minute "just know you're not alone; call Zeke he'd love to hear from you." I nodded and got out of the car. He drove off and I waved as he did so walking up the path to my door. I walked in the room and my mom and dad's heads both popped up like a prairie dogs.

"Troy you were gone a while" my mom said concerned. I knew I didn't want to be in the room any longer as soon as I walked in. "your eyes look red"

"I'm fine mom" I said rolling my eyes walking passed the living room.

"Were you crying?" she asked with the same motherly concern.

"Leave it alone mom" I said "I had a good night don't ruin it for me" and with that I walked down the hallway to my bedroom. I opened the door to my room and remembered the tantrum I had had over the stupid photo album. I cleaned up all of my old stuff threw away the garbage and broken little things that weren't all that important. I also took the trophies and medals off of my shelves, I put them in a box of my old toys on the top shelf of my closet. After everything was clean I relaxed on my bed and looked at the picture of me and my dad. He was happy back then. And now, well I don't even know how he feels about me now. Though my preconceived notion was that it would take some getting used to sleeping in my own bed, I fell asleep in an instant and didn't wake till the morning.

A/N: gasp i wrote a new story, and this one is really angst filled and a little un-high school musical which lets face it is totaly my style . i hope you like it and review