A/N: To the people saying that this is hard to read: It is. Terribly so. The author advises imagining the cutest chibi Allen and Road their minds and conjure and then reading this aloud in baby voices. Preferably, but not necessarily, when you're alone. Alternatively, you can also read it in Elmer's voice.
Once upon a twime, twewe was a widdle bwoy named 'Awen'. Had he twa whitiest hwaih thewe ewa was, eywes two cweah mewcuwy poows and a heawt of gowd. But his awm was Wed, they said, and wed was the wage of the towns-pweople when they saw it so. "Dwewil!" they cwied, "Mowstaw!" they scweamed and dwove po-uh widdle Awen out of theih twown. And on and on po-uh widdle Awen wan, fwom the scweams and coi-ses of the pweople.
One wint-uh mwoning, Aftah an espweciawy wough wun in with a gwoup of hwunt-ahs, widdle Awen wan, his fwace all bwuised from the kwicks and pwunches the hwunt-ahs fed him wen they saw his awm, wan cwutching the bwead they had offawed him just befowe he took off his cwoak. Now his cwoak was weft behind and widdle Awen wan thwough tha ice cowe-ehd woods, shivawing fwom tha cowd, but not dawing ta swop, lest tha hwunt-ahs got a howd offa him, foh tha hwunt-ahs had big, big knives and ewen bwigger swicks and Awen doubted tha encount-eh would be pah-ti-culawly good for his heawth.
Pwesently, he came to a bwig bwig twee, with lawge, gwistening weaves hanging down cowewing most of tha twunk, on one side at lweast. As he stwopped by it to gwab some awh in his buwning wungs, he saw a widdle buh-die fwy into the weavy cuhtain and disappeaw. Intwuiged, widdle Awen pawted it to find a widdle howwow, just wide enough foh pe-haps a widdle kid to cwawl into. Dwouting he could out-wun tha hwunt-ahs, gwown men wong of wimb and stwong of heawt, dewawyed only because widdle Awen had one of twem int-uh quick-swand ina cwever, cwever wuse, beacuse of which tha othaws had stwopped to help theih bwuddy owt, he cwimbed into the howwow. Awen stwill fwelt a widdle bit wad abou twat hwunt-ah twough.
Cawefuwwy cowawing tha bwanches and weaves tah mwake it look hwopefuwwy like nuthin' had been dwistubed fwom tha outside, Awen mwade himself comfawtable while the howwow's occu-pant chwiped its disagweement in having it hwome invaded. Widdle Awen shushed it, offawing it a pwece of bwead to shut the unsawouwy bwidie up and shuddup it did, gwobbwing that bwead so fwast that Awen fwelt sowwy foh tha widdle bwidie and gave it some moah. And then it shuddup foh good.
Just as Awen was beginning to twink pew-haps, he had escwaped foh gwood, he hwead foot-stweps outside tha twee. But they weve twiny twiny foot-stweps. They cwame to a stwop befow tha howwow and twen a sweet widdle woice began hwumming a widdle twune, and twen, howwahs of howwahs, tha cow-tain of weaves pah-ted and a peh-son stwuck theiw hwead inside. And cwame fwace to fwace with po-uh widdle Awen. In tha wight stweaming thwough tha howe, tha foi-st twing Awen saw was poi-ple hwaih. Widdle Awen had newah seen poi-ple hwaih befowh and fwound himself fascinated bwy ths hwaih, which was showt and spwiky. And shwiny. And had a tweeny bit of snow, which was beginning to mwelt in tha hweat of tha howwow, what with one peh-son and a hwead inside. Not ta mention tha widdle bird. Which bwegan sqwaking again.
"Mah fwace is dwown he-ah" swaid the poi-ple hwaih. No, the peh-son below that poi-ple hair. Awen couldn't mwake out all their fweatures in the widdle wight, but the woice wahs sweet and tha angwe at which the wight hit the fwace made the widdle gwal, ywes, it wahs a widdle gwal, o-h so Awen twought fwom the woice, look wathaw cute. Awen had nevah been so cwose to a gwal befowe and fwelt his fwace heating up. But twen, he hwead moah footsteps. And they wewn't widdle footsteps. They wew tha 'thudd-a-thudd-a-thudd-a' of tha bwig bwad hwunt-ahs. Awen's bwood went cwowd and tha bwood dwained fwom his fwace. "Pwease" he pweaded in a twiny woice.
Tha gwal puwwed ha-h pwetty widdle hwead out of tha howwow. Outside, tha hwunt-ahs had cwome to a stwop, theih, dwogs bawking (yes, thwey hwad dwogs, mean widdle mwutts, who had stwopped and bawked bwoody mwuh-duh wen Awen twicked the hwunt-ah into tha qwick-swand) and wooking at tha widdle gwal, the bwiggest, bwaddest hwunt-ah, tha one who had whacked and thwacked po-uh widdle Awen tha most asked in his bwooming woice, "Did ya swee a devil, monstaw bwoy cwome wunning thwough he-uh?" "Dwevil? Mowstaw?" asked tha widdle gwal in ha-h sweet widdle woice. "Aye!" swaid a swecond woice, tha woice o' tha dwumb widdle hwunt-ah Awen had twicked into tha qwick-swand "He a weah dwevil-mowstaw! Widdle cwud ha' a wed, wicked awm! Wen I get hwim, Imma gonna smash tha wiving daywights outta tha widdle dwemow!"
thwe-h wahs a moment's siwence when Awen shwudduh-d and wahs pwetty swuh he wahs gonna meet his mwa-kuh, when he hwead tha widdle gwal's woice, bwess her sweet widdle hwawt, say "Nah-uh, mistahs. I saw no dwevil-mowstaw bwoy he-uh!" "Dwam!" went tha swecond hwant-uh, "We-a lost-a tha widdle wabbit's twacks!" "Ah, Good widdance to bwad wubbish!" said tha biggest one and then-a "Hope we nev-ah set ah eywes on tha mowstaw again!"
Awen was abowt to wet out tha bweath tha' he had-a-been howding in unconcious-like, wen the thwahd hwunt-ah, the widdlest, wiwiest hwunt-ah, gnawled wike a twee and weathawed wike a wock, swaid in his stwange, stwwange woice, "Fee-fi-fo-fum, me nose twells mah, he-uh is weh widdle Awen come!" and his dwogs, wicked widdle mwutts, yipped and yapped in agweement. "But I been he-uh foh an ho-uh, good sah" told tha gwal, "And I say not a swingle swoul save yeh twee hwunt-ahs cwome wunning twough, but tawwy a moment; mayhaps, hwead I some Thwashing about in yond-ah bwushes and footstweps going that-a-way!" "Widdle mwutts in foh it" cwied the dumb one gweefuwwy, buh tha widdle one, tha' one went "Ageh! Agah! Agouh! Buh wha' do widdle mwiss he-uh foh one ho-uh?" and cwackled gweefull-wike.
Awen decided to weave his widdle mah-ble, tha one his dadda, Mana, hwad gwiven him, afo'h tha cwazy cwoach sent him pwackin', to tha sweet widdle gwal, and taking it out, set it ne-ah tha widdle bwidie. Outside, tha widdle gwal went, "Why, twis!" and ha-h hand shot inside and gwabbed tha widdle bwidie and the mah-ble along-a widdit and went out. "I came tuh see mah widdle bwidie!" And tha widdle bwidie sqwacked. "Ah, let's a be-a gone, ol' Elmuh', foh I fe-ah tha mwutts are beginnin' tah scwawe tha widdle wady." swaid tha big one and though thwe-h was-a much gwumbling and coi-sing and-a such, the thwee hwunt-ahs footstweps weceded and faded away. After a gwood hawf an ho-uh, the bwidie kwept sqwacking tha whole time, ten sqwacks-a-minute, the widdle gwal sywuck ha-h hwead in and swaid "It's ok-eh. They'we gwone now."
T'was at tha' poin' widdle Awen reawised tha' he had no cwoak tuh hwide his awm. He didn wan' tha gwal tuh hate him wike evewybuddy ewse. "I...I...cwan't!" he said, vewy cwose to te-awhs. "You stwuck?" she awsked. "I..." "Lemme hwelp yah ou'" she said and gwabbed his awm and puwwed, hawd. Since Awen weally wasn't stwuck, he came out hawd and he fell on twop of tha gwal and they wolled in tha snow. Widdle Awen came out on twop and he swat a bit dwazed, when tha gwal's woice pwiped up fwom bewow, "You-uh cwushing meh" Widdle Awen gave a sqweak and scuwwied off-a tha gwal and bwushed so hawd, the snow cwe-ah-ed awound him.
Tha gwal saht up and gwiggled and said, "You ah fuwwy." Awen bwushed hawdaw and stweam wose fwom awound. Twen, he wemem-bahd his awm and tha stweam dwied and his fwace went pwale. He twied tuh hwide his awm behind him, buh, oh hwell, she'd noticed i'. Buh, she didn-a go "Gawd!" or "Sweet Moth-uh a Jeezus!" or "Eat mah eyz anna kwick me in tha baws. It-sa Dwevil!" No siw-ee, she-a scooted cwose-wike and put ou' a fwing-ah and twouched tha weed, winkled awm. "Yah ho-it?" she awsked, ha-h cute widdle face wowwied and ha-h eyz, gowd they wew, wooking at hwis.
"You ain't gonna wun?" he awsked. She wooked a' him stwange-wike. He held ou' his awm an-na awsked ha-h, "You ain' a gonna call meh a mowstaw? A Dwewil?". "You hit yo-uh hwead? Awen, was it?" she awsked, comwing cwose and pwoking his hwead. Yeaws of hu-ht and sowwow welled up inside Awen and bubbled out and he twied, he weally did, buh the twe-ahs they po-ah-ed down his fwace. "Hey! Did tha' hu-ut? Why a' ya cwyin'? Now, now, thwe-h, thwe-h!" she swaid, holding him cwose. He twied buh tha twe-ahs came anew, and she-a pwatted his hwead and said "Thwe-h, thwe-h!" Finawy, Awen dwied his twe-ahs and noticed tha' the gwal smelled nice. Wike cwandy. And bwushed.
"You aw wight?" she awsked, wooking a' him. He bwushed some moah and nwodded his hwead, foh tha gwal wahs still howding him. "Imma oh-kay" he said and then wemem-bahd his mawwer and added "miss." "Miss? I'm Woad Kamewot. You can cawl me Woad." "Twanks." he said. "It's no bwig deal" she said, bwushing some, "buh i' seems they hu-ut you bad." weaching out and twouching a bwuise on his fwace. "Ow-wa" he fwinched. "Wet's ge' you wooked at." The' noticing he was shivawing in tha cowd, she took a widdle towel outta a basket which wahs on tha gwound and wapped him up. "You hungwy?" she awsked, taking a pwece of cwake fwom tha basket. Something cwicked in Awen's bwain. Bwushing, he wooked at tha cake, not being able to wook at Woad's eyes and muttered, "I wuv you." "I wuv cake too!" she ansewed happiwy and thwust it inna his hwands.
He went wevy wed, and then, hung his hwead and began nibbwing on tha cake. "Gobbwe up!" she encouwaged. "Yup", Awen decided, "I wuv Woad." and gobbwed up tha cake. "Come on!" she said, once he was done, "We gots ta ge' home!" He nwodded, buh, then, hesitwant-wike, he awsked, "Buh...muh awm..." "Wha' abou' yo-uh awm? I think i' looks oh-kay. Diffawent, buh oh-kay!" she declawed. "So, cwome o' Awen!" and skipped ahead. "I wuv you, Woad" he whispewed to himsef af-oh wunning aftaw ha-h.