He enjoyed that he dreamed about darkness. He found it welcoming. Erwin was grateful that at least in his dreams, nothing was haunting, or chasing him. The sun had not yet risen, but it soon will. A heavy groan rumbled from Erwin, and he rolled to his side of the mattress, placing his feet on the cold wooden floor. Dawn was slowly rising up from the dark side of the earth. The sun slowly came up over the horizon and began to warm him. He heard birds chirping, in the distance he heard the sound of running river. Everything sounded so peaceful, yet his mind was chaos.
Placing his left hand on his right shoulder, a deep sigh left his lips. He had lost an arm, if it would be necessary, he would not hesitate and do it again, it was his duty. He did not regret losing one arm, it was nothing comparing the fact that daily, hundreds of soldiers died under his command. It was just an arm, he could still continue living without it, even if it was hard for him to use the 3DGM or write letters to the parents of the fallen soldiers. He did not mind. No matter how hard he tried to analyse the problem, the thought that the situation was quickly getting out of hand persisted in his brain. He calculated and planned everything ahead, he knew it will be successful; he would sacrifice anything for that. So he did. And he did it over and over again. Humanity will rise up again and become the dominant species!
Alone with his thoughts, he did not realize that the woman next to him woke up. Shrugging in the sheets, she slowly opened her eyes and looked in his direction. A soft smile appeared on her lips as she blinked away the reminding sleepiness. She moved closer to him, wrapped her arms around his waist and hugged him, placing her head on his back and inhaling his scent. Erwin was brought back from his thoughts, he could feel her warmth as he hoped she would say something to let him know that she would be by his side, no matter what. "Erwin," She felt his muscles tense under her touch, then as she spoke it seemed to lighten, as if a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders and the only thing keeping it attached to his body was his guilt. She moved her head on his shoulder, closing her eyes, holding him tight in her embrace. The tall man felt relieved to know that she was there, that it was not his imagination. "Stop yourself from thinking about unnecessary things. I'm here, and I'm never going to leave you." She whispered into his ear, keeping her eyes closed. How he wished she would not regret those words later. Neither of them knew what might happen in the future, only he knew what will happen soon. Erwin gulped hard, feeling queasy, sick to his stomach. He felt for a moment that he might almost vomit. He'd never before been this nervous.
Erwin took her hand into his, he entwined their fingers together. It felt nice, so she held on. With a sigh she snuggled against him, brushing his neck with a soft kiss. He'd promised her that night that he would tell her everything and not keep secrets, yet he wasn't sure how he was going to tell her that it was his fault, and his fault only, she almost ended dead. His palms were sweating. His insides were twisting. It was eating him alive. She could feel him tense up under her touch. Something was off, and she knew it. His body was responding to this weird feeling inside of his stomach. "It's all my fault you got heavily injured that day." He squeezed her hand, she opened her eyes and tilted her head to the side. She shrugged slightly and moved herself to the side of the bed so that she could see his face, still holding him. "Explain yourself." She said in a low voice, her stomach sank while her heart sped up its rhythm. For a moment, she felt scared. "I did nothing when I saw those three titans ran towards you. I turned a blind eye and followed the plan," He looked at her once, his pale face tortured with guilt. Erwin did not dare to look at her again — he hesitated. The look in her eyes looked saddened. Her hand tensed, clutching at his. "When we became lovers I informed you that on the field we are just mere soldiers, nothing more or less." His tone was low, he feared her reaction to her newfound knowledge. The sun was beaming in and brightening up the room. It was supposed to be a nice day, their day; yet it wasn't. The sun was slowly moving through the panes of yellow, orange and red. She felt her heart clench in her chest. He was right, on the field they had to fight and survive; they were nothing but a Commander and soldier. However the fact that he overlooked that she might die there, created a sharp pain in her chest. Her stomach twisted with the familiarity of this feeling, her head pounded.
She inhaled so quickly, it felt as if her lungs were strained. The air felt thick around her, them. As quick as it had come, it faded away. The man was looking at her out of the corner of his eye. "I'm s—" She interrupted him saying. "I understand." Erwin saw tears forming in her eyes and wanted to wipe them away and hold her and tell her he was sorry, so sorry, but he feared her rejection. He had hurt her. He knew that and it preyed heavy on his mind, which felt numb with the realisation. He had hurt that courageous, dear, sweet girl he loved. It was the worst feeling he had experienced. Again, he felt the sharp pain in his heart. "As a Commander you had to do it. I understand that. You can't look after each soldier that is out there. That's not possible." Erwin nodded, knowing it wasn't quite the truth. He squeezed her hand strongly; he already regretted that he told her everything. She felt another tear build and fall from her eye, the moisture trailing down her cheek. A deep sigh broke from her lips. She released her hand from his and whipped the tear away. Her eyes looked tired, but her mind was wide awake, her thoughts running wild. "Do you hate me now?" He looked at her face, searching for any answers. The colour of her skin looked lighter - the colour of milk with just a slight drop of coffee. "No, I just… I don't even know. I understand very well that you continued in your mission, I get it… the only thing that hurts is that—" She sniffled and continued to wipe her tears away with her shaky hands, her vision became blurry very quickly. "That you wouldn't care if I died there!" Her voice rose, she was sobbing in earnest now—uncontrollable sobs that racked the whole length of her body. He opened his mouth but closed it again quickly, realizing he was unsure how to respond. There was absolutely nothing in the world that made him feel as helpless as seeing a woman cry. Especially if he was the cause of those big drops rolling down her cheek. The words she spoke pierced his heart, but he did not blame her, he knew he deserved it. He managed to hurt the only thing he cherished dearly.
He reached over and gathered her in his arm. Thankfully, she came willingly. She wrapped her arms around his waist and felt the tight chord of his muscles under her palms. He let his right hand gently caress her long hair, soothing the pain he caused. He moved his lips near her ear. He pulled her tighter, enjoying the softness of her against him. "I am so sorry. Forgive me, forgive me my selfishness." He begged her. She sighed deeply as his hand slowly and carefully roamed over her back now and she leaned back into his arm. She buried her face into his chest, holding onto him, squeezing his shirt between her fingers. The sobs subsided slowly, and she slowly calmed down closing her eyes, listening to anything he was telling her. He'd held her tightly, stroking her hair again. Under his touch she understood he was like that. He wasn't only cold, strategy-maker and a chess player Commander of the Survey Corps. No, he was more. He sacrificed his own arm in order to destroy the titans and save humanity, including herself. That was the plan but, everyone on that field knew plans sometimes don't work out the way they want and they were prepared to die there. They were ready to sacrifice their lives, anytime. She wasn't any exception. That was the meaning of joining the Survey Corps. Fighting until your last breath, killing those monsters to save as many people as possible, that was the point. Plus, he warned her about this situation – feelings and emotions had no space on the battle field. She knew in what she is getting herself into; including the pain, double of it. But there were times when she felt happy, having the man she adored by her side made it worth it.
As she was thinking this whole situation over, Erwin got nervous because of her stiffness. The silence was slowly driving him crazy. "Please, say something." He begged her; again, his voice shaking, fear inside him was slowly driving him crazy. To tell the truth he was not fond of this new feeling, fear. She could hear in his voice how much he hated himself for what he had done. He was afraid he might lose her, he was determined to not to let her go. Ever. She looked up at him through watery eyes to find him staring down at her. Feeling a small satisfaction that his face was no longer emotionless, neither his blue orbs. "Erwin, you are not selfish. I knew what I was going into when I joined the Survey Corps. Actually I was lucky I didn't end up dead that day, only injured. I can't expect from you to come to my rescue whenever I need it. I have to be useful to you." She pulled away from him, just far enough to look straight into his eyes.
Erwin couldn't hide his surprise, he was sure that this would be the last time he would hold her in his arm. At that moment he swore to himself that he will protect this woman. Somewhere in the region of her heart, she was secretly wishing he would kiss her. He hesitatingly leaned closer to her. Erwin was barely a breath away from her full lips. Her eyes stared straight into his azure ones and he heard her breath catch. He leaned closer. Their lips briefly touched. His kisses were soft and gentle, lingering before one ended and another began. She pressed her lips against his again and murmured, "You used to be a good kisser." A brief smirk crossed his lips at the challenge. He tangled his fingers into her long locks. She reached up and ran her fingers through his blonde locks, pushing the hair away from his face. He ravished her mouth like there was no tomorrow, plundering her lips, kissing her with all that pent up need and love he had to show her. He growled, took the kiss deeper, until their lips tingled and ached and there was nothing in both of their worlds but them. She cupped his face to hold him; their lips were locked together, in a mutually spontaneous act. It was as passionate as it could get. He won't let her go. He liked knowing she was home, waiting for him, thinking about him. He trusted her. She sighed and melted into his arm, holding onto him for dear life while he kissed her wildly, again and again. When she broke off the kiss, both of them panted heavily, her eyes looked at the man and opened her mouth to compliment him, "St—" His hand slid from her hair on her cheek, his thumb brushed across her swollen lower lip. "Marry me." He asked her gently. Her facial expression changed from a smiling one into shock. The man in front of her was asking her to marry him—out of blue. It was spur of the moment, she thought. It had simply never occurred her mind that he would ever ask her such a thing. She nodded slowly, but before she could say anything, Erwin already collected her petite figure in his arm and pressed her close to his body. His heart was pounding fast, too fast. She hugged him as tight as her arms could. She could feel his heart pounding against hers and it made her feel alive.