I turned restlessly in my sleep, it was another typical, painful night. I had so much running through my mind, from Blakes preposition to confide in him, to everything that had to do with Michael, though Michael was my usual cause for sleepless nights anyways. Either way I tried to make the best of it so I took out my journal and started writing:
"The sun has an end, I slip through it.
The water touches my burning skin, I find comfort in it.
You give me everything, then cruely take it away from me.
I find every reason to love you, you leave me breathlessly.
And as you left, you rip me of everything, my arms now bare, see through me."
"Gahhh" I say frustruated. Writing anything and everything I feel has been my only outlet since Michael died and it's just not enough anymore, it's never been enough but now more then ever do I feel the need to rip every song I've written, poem, and letter that i've written him since. Because each time I look down to my words I feel like they're engraved on my heart, so no matter how hard I try to forget, to move on, I just feel it harder. And each time it tears me down to the point were im sobbing into my pillow trying to control my heart from falling out of my chest.
Progress is just not happening, it's been months since his death, and for all I care it could be decades my pains hopeless. And the only reason I continue this life is because I know he's up there somewhere watching down on me. Watching down on me and thinking, "Stop it already!You're strong enough, and when you think you can't go on anymore remember I never left you." I laugh at the thought everytime though because he never has left me, he's increvised in every inkling of my life, attatched. Attatched to every part of me so I'll never move on, I'll never stop hurting.
"Tap, tap, tap," I hear, which breaks me out of my depressing trance. The sound came from the window, and it's obviously not raining so I go and check my window.
"Boo," says Blake.
I fall back onto my rooms carpet not because he actually scared me, but because of the state I'm in and his presence, they just don't mix.
"The heck, what are you doing here?" I say in a shaky voice, it was obvious I had been crying, my voice, my red eyes, my moist cheeks. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and hide. This guy really didn't know the deffinition of boundaries. I mean we weren't even friends, were we? Did he assume we were?
Blake then offers me his hand to get up, I don't take it, instead I just sit there silently thinking what in the world do I have to tell him to make him leave without sounding rude. I mean even if we weren't friends which is what I hoped for, there was a part of me that cared about him, as much as I hated to admit it.
"You need to leave" I say. It's the best thing I can think of.
He sits down on the floor in front of me, staring at me dead on, I felt so raw, so bare, like somebody could finally see exactly how I felt after all those months. I felt exposed, he HAD to leave.
"Whats wrong?" he asks me.
"Blake you don't know the half of it, ok? You don't know me, you never will. I know your a good person, who for some reason seems to care about me which is completely stupid since I'm not worth it. I don't know what you want from me, for me to be your friend? I don't have friends Blake, I don't need them. I will disappoint you, I'm a terrible friend to have. Please Blake, please understand, leave." I said with every ounce of what was left in my heart.
"No, your wrong, you sit here holding everything from me, when you just need someone to be there, and here I am throwing myself at you, offering myself and you deny me? No. Thats not how it works, I don't care what title you give me, I just want to help you." He responds reaching out for my hands as I pull them back.
" I don't need help!" I almost shrieked as I got up walked into my bathroom and shut the door behind me.
I could hear him walking onto the outside of the bathroom door, " You're wrong, I don't want to upset you" he said more softly..."I just wanted you to know i'm here. I'll always be here for you."
"Don't make promises you can't keep" I spat back at him.
"I promise you" he almost begged.
"Just like Michael promised me huh? Just like..." I said before I started sobbing again. Before I'd say something I'd regret.
I opened the bathroom door to find him sitting on the other side with a frustruated yet caring look on his face.
"Michael?" he said questioningly.
"Forget it" I said through my tears.
Before I knew it he had pulled me in towards his chest, wrapping his arms tightly around me, like how I wished to wrap my heart from its wounds. I found myself allowing myself to give in, to his gesture, to his comfort. We stood there for a while, it may have been akward to look at for so long, but in my mind it was like a small healing. Like that was what he was trying to do. I looked up at him through my tears and simply said "Thank you." He just hugged me tighter.
I was wrapped in his arms the next morning when I woke up. And as I stared up at him I pictured he had the same alarm in his mind as myself when my mother yelled out "I'm bringing you your breakfast honey."