"I love you" Doug whispered into his ear. Ste was pretending to sleep, hoping that he could get a few more minutes in bed before he was faced with the pointless chit-chat and endless witterings of his husband.

It wasn't like he didn't love Doug, he really did. After all they'd got married, that was the biggest declaration of love wasn't it? Putting a ring on someone's finger, that was forever. It's the big question isn't it, how do you know the person you think you love is 'the one'. The person your meant to spend the rest of your life with, is it meant to feel like how they show it in the films? Does that type of love actually exist, flowers and sunshine, a world where the good are happy and the bad are punished. Is there such a thing? The truth is he loves two people, he thinks he really does, but which ones real. Neither of them are like the books or the films. On the one side there's Doug, his husband who offers safety, security and the knowledge that he worships him. On the other side is Brendan, all moustache and muscles, dark, mysterious and definitely passionate.

Ste had married Doug though he didn't remember the wedding. When he woke up, he didn't remember anything of that day. He didn't remember walking towards his future husband, or watching his children skip in front of him. He didn't remember saying his vows, or their first dance or being hit by the truck. He had told Doug when he woke up it was all a blur and at the time he hadn't lied. He just hadn't told him when he remembered, to start off with it had just been flashes like he was fast forwarding his memories and could only see parts. Slowly though he started to get them all back. He could remember all the things he had longed to but they didn't seem so important now, the most important thing was those words. Those words, thick with the Irish accent that made his heart flutter, however much he hated it. "I killed him for Stephen, for your husband to nearly be, would you do that Dougie?" Those words just kept going round and round in his head. Over and over again like a bad record that wouldn't stop. The problem was he didn't know how he felt about it.

Suddenly Ste jumped up, got dressed and started to make his way out of the room. He needed a day, just one day without having to look at Doug. Without having to listen to him making plans about their future, about the weekend and the family holidays. He did want it, he wanted all of it. Just not today.

Ste left the flat that morning, wishing he wasn't so far away from his children. Today is a day more than any other where he would love to spend the day in the park, playing on the swings or teaching them to catch or kick a ball. A day where he could spend it all laughing and running around instead of thinking about the same thoughts over and over again.

Ste looked around realising he had walked into Chez Chez without even realising. Just as he turned to leave he heard a voice. The same one that occupied most of his thoughts.
"Stephen, what are he doing here?" Brendan called from the top of the stairs.
"I... erm, I don't know. I was just walking. Needed to clear my head." Ste answered slightly confused.
"Well, now your here you want to come up for a drink, maybe a chat?"
"Erm, I guess I could have a drink with you." Ste answered before climbing the stairs and taking a seat at the bar.

Ste sighed, he rarely came into Chez Chez anymore. What with the whole Doug and Brendan dislike thing going on, didn't make for a comfortable night out. It was weird, being here after all this time. He had so many memories, some amazing ones and some awful ones. He felt the urge to be behind the bar again, one more time to just feel the buzz he used to get.
"I'll get them, what you want?" Ste jumped up suddenly walking round to the other side of the bar to join Brendan. "Used to be quite good at this me." He added in some sort of response to Brendan's unasked question.
"Quite good, you were the best Barman I've ever had." Brendan replied knowing how much a compliment like that would please him and being rewarded with a smile from the younger man.
"Used to like it behind ere you know, could see what was going on, arguments, make-ups, first kisses. You don't get that in the deli."

Brendan simply smiled as a reply, he loved it when Ste talked about something he was passionate about. His whole body changed and the smile was something Brendan could compare nothing to. He watched as Ste moved around the bar mixing some drink he hadn't asked for but experience told him he would like. He looked like he belonged behind there, there was a time when he had, fitted behind the bar like part of the furniture. That time was over though, as amazing as it was watching him behind his bar, watching him float around making him 'something special' as he had put it after he rejected his usual request for whiskey, Stephen didn't belong there anymore. He belonged in the deli, running his own business, making that amazing food they sold. Even if it was with his husband. That word ripped at Brendan like a knife in his chest. He hadn't gone to the wedding, couldn't bring himself to watch the man he loved marry someone else. He almost wished he had now, wished he could of been there to hold his hand after the van had hit him. Been the one in the ambulance, the one who watched as he they fought to make him better, he just wished he could have been there. Wished Stephen could have known he was there, how seeing the doctors trying to save his life nearly made his own heart stop. How he fell apart, completely and uncontrollably in front of every one. He lost the control he prided himself in maintaining so well.

He had made the pact though, the one that he had to believe was the reason Stephen had woken up. The reason he was sitting here now waiting for the man he loves to mix him a cocktail, even if the only reason he was there was so he could have a moan about his husband. This man made him want to be a better person, he had managed things that five years ago, even last year Brendan himself would have thought was the impossible. He had convinced him that the love he had, the feelings he felt for men weren't wrong. That they weren't punishable, that he didn't need to deny them yet instead he could accept them. Allow those feelings to consume him. He had sat on the steps of the club the morning before the wedding contemplating telling Stephen he was the only person he had, would and could ever love. Then he realised he deserved better, that Stephen would be happier and safer with Douglas. A man who might be boring and predictable but with that came safety. With that predictability came the knowledge he would never be involved in half of the situations Brendan had been involved. He had put Stephen in danger, both from people who wanted a way to hurt him and from himself. When Brendan thought of the ways he had hurt Stephen, hurt the man he loved it felt like he was thinking back to a dream. That feeling you get when you can only remember parts but something inside of you tells you it was so much worse. Of course the consequences of actually beating someone you loved was that the bruises made sure, even if you couldn't remember what had happened you would sure know just how bad it was from one look at his face.

The beatings and the danger were only two of the reasons that Brendan hadn't told Ste that he loved him on the morning of his wedding. They were also the reason he was happy with watching him float around his club moaning about his husband. At least this way he could keep him safe and spend a few precious hours with him. For now, for Brendan that would have to be enough.

"Tell me about Danny Houston." Ste spoke interrupting Brendan's dream.
"What?" Brendan replied confused.
"Danny Houston, tell me about him. Or better still tell me why you had to kill him for me." Ste replied having finally found enough courage to ask about the words that plagued his every thoughts.
"Stephen, how do you know about him? How do you know about what I did?"
"Doug, he had a recording on his phone. I heard it at the wedding, before the can hit me and Doug were arguing. That's why I was outside. I was debating whether to come and see you or not. I wanted to know why you would say that to him, 'I killed him for Stephen'. Why did you kill him for me?"
"Because I had to. Ok Stephen, I had to do that to keep you safe. Danny Houston was dangerous and he knew that the best way to get at me, to really hurt me was to kill you. Danny Houston was the kind of man that when he made a threat it wasn't empty, he would follow through 100%. So when he said he was going to kill you I knew that I had to do something to stop him." Brendan replied. He needed Stephen to know that he only did what he had to do to protect him.
"Why would killing me really hurt you?" Stephen asked quietly.
Brendan laughed lightly. "Out of all that you decide to question my feelings about you? No storming out, no ringing the police, no hysterical screaming just you wanting me to say I give a shit."
"Would you rather I was hysterical or dramatic?" Ste asked.
"I would understand it better. What your asking me to say. I can't, it's not fair. Your a married man Stephen and I'm not good enough for you. That's without the promise I made. It's just something we can't do." Brendan replied softly. The sadness in his tone evident.
"I'm not happy with Doug. Surely you can see that. I wanted to come and see you on my wedding day, if the accident hadn't of happened then who knows what would of. God only knows what we would of spent my wedding night doing. You occupy all of my waking thoughts and most of dreams Brendan. When I'm with Doug I'm thinking about you, wishing I was with you. That sound like a happy marriage. That sound like a life I deserve, something better than the life we could have together?"
Brenda sighed. Why did he have to make things so hard for him. He had promised the big man he would stay away. He promised he would let him have the life he deserved but Stephen was right. The life he had at the moment wasn't what he deserved. Would Brendan be able to make him any happier though?
"Stephen," Brendan sighed and closed the gap between them. He reached his hand up to the younger mans cheek. Enjoying the slightly prickled feeling of Stephens day old excuse of stumble. I took a deep breath and closed his eyes before "I love you."
Seconds ticked by and Brendan would have sworn it was hours had the ticking of the clock not confirmed it for him. The pair of then stayed fixed it the same position. The older man stood of the Stephen, thumb stroking his cheek, eyes closed, head bowed. While Stephen took the opportunity to examine his face. He noticed the wrinkles around his eyes and was sure they were from stress and sadness not the usual laughter lines people possessed. Stephen daren't move, he was worried about ruining the moment. The moment when Brendan Brady, the tough guy who used to beat him up for so much as looking at him for to long had just told him he loved him. If he could of though Ste was sure he would be swinging from the roof or at the very least dancing on the bar. Instead he simply took the older mans face in his hands, reached up on his tip toes and kisses him. He kissed him with all the passion and love he had bottled up over the months even years since they had first kissed. Brendan didn't need a reply, they both knew how much Ste loved him. That kiss was enough to convince them both that pacts with god, husbands, crazy gangsters and even one of them being in the closet were things they could both overcome.

Stephen knew it wouldn't be easy. He knew that he would have to tell Doug the truth, end their marriage properly. He might not love Doug like he did Brendan but that didn't mean he didn't care. He also knew that Brendan would need time, it might be a big step admitting his feelings to Ste but it was something else entirely to come out to the whole village. Ste was convinced however that that would come with time and that when they had done what they needed to do the couple could be very happy together.

"I'm sorry Stephen, for everything I've put you through, I..."
"If you finish that by telling me you don't want to be with me or can't be with me then we are done. This is out chance Brendan, right and if you can't see that then maybe your right. Maybe I deserve better. If you tell me you love me again then I will go home and tell Doug that our marriage is over. If not then I will go make to pretending my marriage is bliss. Right?" Ste interrupted. He was determined to stand up to Brendan, he knew that he needed to end things with Doug if they were going to be together properly but he wasn't about to do that if 'they' wasn't something Brendan wanted to.
"I love you Stephen. I love you Stephen. I love you Stephen. That enough for you because I'm going to keep saying it until you understand just how crazy you make me."
The smile on Ste's face grew with every word Brendan had to say. The pair kissed again and again until the realisation came that if they didn't go and sort things out now then there relationship wouldn't start with the clean slate they wanted. With more I love yous and promises for Ste to call Brendan as soon as he had spoken to Doug and that Brendan would start with Cheryl and tell her all about his love for Ste with the hope that it would become easier the more people he tells.

It was three days later and the couple hadn't had much of a chance to spend much time together. Ste had told Doug the truth about his feelings and although he had been angry and upset he hadn't been surprised. Brendan had told Cheryl who had been thrilled with the news that her brother was finally going to be happy. Although they had both been working they had both been surprised by Brendan's public displays of affection. It appeared that when he was with Ste he didn't care who knew or who thought what he just wanted to make the younger man happy.

That was why he was currently sat on the sofa in the middle of the night looking for flight tickets and hotels instead of holding the man he loved in his arms. He knew things had been though for Stephen, not just with them getting together but with the accident and Amy taking the kids away. All of it was why he wanted to surprise him with a weekend away. Brendan was planning what some might call romance but something he would never admit to.
"What you doing down here? The beds cold without you." Ste spoke waking down the stairs in his boxers and one of Brendan's t shirts. He curled up on the arm of the sofa and pressed his cold nose into the crook of Brendan's neck as if to emphasise his point.
"I was just sorting something out. We can go back to bed now if you want." Brendan replied, completely unable to deny this boy anything.
"Tell me what your sorting out first. Remember Bren, we said no secrets or lies."
"Ok, fine. It was supposed to be a surprise though." Brendan replied opening up the laptop again and showing Stephen the hotel he had booked. "It's alright if you don't want to go, I just thought it would be good for us to get away for the weekend after everything that's happened. Or we could go somewhere else, just Dublins my home town and I remember you saying you'd never been, thought I could show you round a bit..."
Brendan was cut of from his rambled explanation with a full blown kiss. Although he couldn't see it he could definitely feel the smile growing on Stephens lips. Maybe he had got this right after all. "So what do you think?"
"I think that Brendan Brady you are amazing and I love you so much. Maybe you should tell me all the things we can do when we're there while we go to bed."
Brendan jumped up at that suggestion rattling of things about waking up at 9 and getting out of bed at 4 for Guinness and dinner followed by dancing and Ste could of sworn he heard him mention something about love locks and having proof of their love in Dublin forever. Ste was excited by it all but really he was most excited about the fact that hardcore gangster Brendan Brady had booked him a surprise romantic weekend away. It wasn't even like it was for his birthday or anniversary it was simply because he loved him and Ste was going to spend all weekend showing Brendan just how much he loved him back.