"Hello everyone and thank you again for joining us. I'm Julia Winesipper and today our special guest is Sparkling Optimus Prime. Thank you for joining us, Optimus."
"Hello."
"Optimus, is it true that while being the leader of the heroic Autobots, you are in fact quite the culinary little chef?"
Sparkling G1 Optimus Prime stood on the counter of Studio Eight's cooking production 'Cooking with Julia'. Now in it's third season. He was happy to make such an appearance for it never hurt to shore up the Autobot's public relations image. He beamed happily from behind large bowls and jars of ingredients, a full length cloth apron, (custom made for his size) tied snugly around him. He held a spatula in one hand, and looking up at his host his blue visored eyes glowed warmly.
"That is correct, Julia. Since our arrival here on earth in nineteen eighty four, I have always encouraged my Autobots to immerse themselves in human culture." His voice matched his size, but Sparkling Optimus had lost none of his public speaking skills. What was more they had clipped a tiny microphone to his apron as he was expected to share one of his many cookie recipes with the studio audience.
"Immerse yourself in my ass!" A similar, but distinctly rougher, voice called out.
Julia Winesipper glanced out at the crowd, sitting indistinct behind the studio lights, but then she recovered quickly and carried on.
"Why that's wonderful. It's quite comforting to realize a mighty leader such as yourself can so humbly enjoy such past times like the rest of us."
"Such was my intention, Julia. And the cookies are delicious." Prime replied.
Julia chuckled warmly and the studio audience all clapped happily on cue but again a tiny voice raised up over the applause.
"Suck up!"
Sparkling Optimus frowned slightly.
"Umm. Yes. Optimus why don't we begin and you can share with us your recipe?" Julia went on with a nervous grimace.
"Of course, Julia. Well first you need one stick of butter followed by two eggs and a cup of brown sugar." He turned to his task, adding things to the large yellow bowl in front of him.
"Then add two cups of bullshit! Ahahaha!" Another tiny voice cried out from behind the lights. Prime, adding to the bowl as he talked, looked out over the crowd as he stirred and frowned again. Julia Winesipper held up her hand for a moment, peering into the lights herself.
A peanut tinked off the glass of wine at her wrist.
"Optimus Prime couldn't boil water! Who decided to give him an apron?" Again the rough little voice cried out.
"We could use his cookies for body armor! Ahahaha!" That slightly higher voice chimed in again.
"Uhh. Optimus is it true that you top your cookies with...umm...candied walnuts?"
Prime walked over to the oven and slid a large skillet onto the burner.
"Yes, Julia. The secret is you chill the walnuts before you chop them up for that extra crunch."
"Candied walnuts. Ha! More like a candy ass!" the little voice cried.
Prime, focused on his task, tried to ignore the heckling. Julia looked back out over the crowd again, raising her hand up. Another peanut landed on the counter and a third ticked across the oven near Optimus.
"What are you staring at, fleshling? Looks like you've seen plenty of cookies!"
"Jonathan? Is someone throwing peanuts?" Julia asked of her director as she squinted into the lights.
"Soundwave. The woman cannot see us. Remedy the situation. At once!" the little voice ordered.
Prime straightened up with a bowl of nuts in his hands, his eyes going wide.
"Who?!" Julia asked.
A tall studio light toppled over and smashed with a tremendous crash on the floor.
There stood Sparkling Soundwave, three apples high, and behind him, standing in their chairs, were G1 Sparkling Megatron and Starscream, clutching tall sodas and bags of peanuts with the litter from other snacks scattered about the floor.
"Behold! I am Megatron! And I say Optimus Prime couldn't make toast!" He took a huge sip from his pop as Soundwave came back over and climbed up into his own chair. The three of them stood there in the front row seats.
"His cookies will taste like car tires and air freshener!" Starscream crowed, pulling back his arm and throwing a peanut high. Megatrons eyes gleamed as it bounced off of Julia's glasses.
"Oh my goodness!" She cried, snatching up a large metal pot and holding it up like a make shift shield. All this did was encourage the Decepticons to throw more, delighted at the metal echoes.
Julia reeled back, shielding herself as Optimus made his way around the bowls and walked up to the edge of the counter, his little fists balled up at his sides.
"Megatron!" He growled.
"What?!" came the snarled reply.
"What are you doing here?!" Prime demanded as he glared out at his old nemesis.
"I came to watch you poison fleshlings. Although judging from your host, she'll probably eat more than her share!"
"You're not funny, Megatron!"
"Someone call security!" Julia cried out as Starscream and Soundwave threw more peanuts. Prime batted a few aside.
"Stop it, Megatron!"
"Make me!"
"Security!" Julia shouted all the louder and Megatron's eyes narrowed. He turned to Starscream.
"She seeks to call up reinforcements!" His little voice snarled. He flipped Starscream a peanut. "Stop her!" And then he flipped up into the air, transforming into his lethal gun-mode with stock and scope. Starscream caught him deftly and cackled as he stuffed the peanut into the end of Megatrons barrel.
Then he took aim.
"Starscream, hold your fire!" Prime cried.
"Pound sand!"
There was a bright blast of miniature fusion cannon and the peanut, traveling at sub-sonic speeds, seared through the air and blew a hole clean through Julia's clutched kettle.
PANG!
"Oh my God!" she cried, throwing up her hands and scrambling out of the way. The kettle spun through the air and came down with a crash among the bowls and jars, knocking Prime over into his own bowl of ingredients.
"Ahahaha!" Starscream cackled, pumping his fists in the air while still holding a smoking Megatron.
"It's peanut butta, jelly time! Peanut butta, jelly time!"
Prime struggled up, turning over and spitting and coughing as he sloughed his way to the edge of the bowl, deep in the brown sugar muck.
Megatron flipped out of Starscreams hand and transformed, landing back on his seat.
"This is our chance! Decepticons! Attack!" He cried. And the mini-cons took to the air, flying high up over the lights and coming down on the cooking counter on wings of air.
Julia Winesipper screeched as Soundwave kicked a bowl of apple sauce at her and audience members began to flee for the exit.
Quickly the little Decepticons surrounded Optimus's bowl, and cackling they shoved it under a huge industrial blender and clicked it on. Optimus wiped the goo from his eyes and looked around perplexed, just as his bowl began to slowly rotate but it was building speed quickly and the leering faces of the Sparkling Decepticons became a blur.
"We're makin' Optimus Pot Pie!" Starscream cackled as he poured in a cup of oil. Megatron smashed an egg on Optimus as he whipped by and turned to Soundwave.
"Play something appropriate for Optimus." He grinned wickedly.
Soundwave pressed a little button on his chest and festive Spanish band blasted out.
"M-m-m-Megatron, y-y-you f-f-f-fiend!" Optimus called out.
"You're quite right, Optimus. No pie is complete without a topping!" Megatron cackled and he lifted a massive ball of dough high in his arms.
Optimus's hand shot out and he snatched a stainless steel meat tenderizer from a jar of wooden spoons and spatulas as he spun away. He straight armed it over the side, level with their heads.
WANG! WANG! WANG!
Soundwave went down like a felled tree in a pile of flour with a 'pluff' and Starscream wheeled away with a cry, clutching his face.
Megatron reeled back with a screech, slipped, and fell flat on his back where his ball of dough came down with a thud over his face, pinning him in place.
His legs pounded on the counter as off balance, Optimus's bowl spun off the turn table and dumped him unceremoniously onto the counter in a brown wave of goo next to him.
He rose up in front of Starscream just as the former blinked his eyes clear and turned to see Optimus brandishing a giant hammer.
"Prime it wasn't me!" he wailed. Optimus grabbed him by the chest and pulled him close.
"Always the same whine out of you, Starscream." And he raised his mallet high as Starscream flinched away.
"What are you doing? Was is that?!" he cried in a panic.
"Think of it as the forge of Solus Prime." Optimus's eyes narrowed. "And I'm gonna tenderize your ass."
WANG!
Starscream went down on his knees, clutching his face and howling. Prime followed up with a swing to the guts and Starscream doubled over the hammer with a burst of air.
"Whoof!"
Soundwave struggled up, his visor glowing in anger and smacking flour off of himself her pressed his eject button and Laserbeak popped out, rocketing up in the air with a high pitched screech.
Prime pushed Starscream down and turned, eyeing the evil Decepticon cassette as it curved around in the air, heading back towards the counter.
Megatron struggled up behind Optimus with his giant dough-head and reeled around off balance as Prime hefted his mallet with both hands, lining up on Laserbeak as he swooped in, tiny little laser's popping away and burning holes in the counter top.
"Two outs! Bottom of the ninth!" Prime shouted as he swung, clipping Laserbeak right out of the air.
Laserbeak arched up in the air like a high fly ball, warbling weakly, to come down with a little plop into a huge kettle of chili.
Soundwaves little visor went extra wide and he ran over to the kettle, standing on his tiptoes and peering over the side. But the thick brown sludge steamed and burbled like lava and Laserbeak was gone.
He turned to Optimus who came striding up, the meat mallet over his shoulder.
"Stick a fork in Laserbeak, Soundwave. He's done."
WANG!
Soundwave slid back across the counter through egg shells and elbow noodles, coming to a rest near Starscream who was crawling along on his hands and knees.
"Megatron! We must retreat!" He wailed.
"Hold on, I'll check and see if he's ready to serve!" Prime said, turning to Megatron he took three steps and hauled off with a huge 'Happy Gilmore' swing at the giant ball of dough that Megatron held aloft on his shoulders.
WHA-THOOM!
Dough exploded like a planetary body in all directions, splattering everything and everyone and smashing Megatron backwards into Soundwave and Starscream, who could only catch him.
Together all three of them wailed and cursed as they tumbled over the edge of the counter with a crash.
Mighty Sparkling Optimus strode back to the edge, his mallet over his shoulder and one hand on his hip.
"Would anyone else like a second helping of whoop-ass?"
And the three sparkling Decepticons reeled up and ran a few steps before they shot into the air, spiraling up through the lights and heading towards the exit.
Starscream wobbled over to Megatron, wiping dough off his face as they flew.
"Heeey! At least it's chocolate chip!" he held out his hand.
"Shut up!"
Prime stood alone and lowered his mighty mallet, his apron soiled from battle but none the worse for wear as he surveyed the empty studio.
"Class dismissed."