[Transcript of the Deadeye Conference]
(Held at the satellite campus of Kunugigaoka Junior High School)
...
Korosensei: Thank you for coming here everyone! Well, today Irina-sensei wished to provide a genuine experience of being in a conference, so here we are! My name is Korosensei, the homeroom teacher of class 3-E of Kunugigaoka Junior High School. Let's get right into it, shall we?
...
Korosensei: Let's see...oh, how shameful. I was expecting the questions to be a little more tame, but it seems like the Sorting Committee managed to mess up. Okajima-kun, Maehara-kun, see me after class for your detention! Chiba-kun, I am terribly sorry for the conduct of your fellow committee members.
Chiba: It's fine, Korosensei. I've learned to get used to it.
Korosensei: Truly sorry. In any case, this question is aimed towards Kanzaki-san!
[What would you be willing to give in order to spend the day with Hikigaya-kun as a pet?]
*silence*
Hikigaya: Sensei, can I ask as to who wrote this...question?
Korosensei: Sadly, the questions are all written anonymously. Sorry, Hikigaya-kun. And could you please put the BB gun away? You're scaring away potential viewers here.
Hikigaya: Well, maybe the potential viewers would write better questions if they have some...incentives.
Everyone: Scary...
...
Korosensei: Well, Kanzaki-san, are you going to answer the question?
Hikigaya: Why would she?
Kanzaki: Well, I guess I'd be willing to go so far as to let the others have a date with him first.
Hikigaya: Oi.
Korosensei: Thank you for your enlightening question, Kanzaki-san. Now, we shall be moving onto the next question, which is meant for Nakamura-san.
Hikigaya: Nobody's going to comment on the fact that Kanzaki wanted to dress me up as a pet?
[Could we gift you some witch-themed trinkets and stuff during Halloween?]
Hikigaya: ...I hate every single one of you.
Nakamura: Sure. I don't mind. More outfits to dress Nagisa with... *blissful sigh*
Nagisa: Nakamura-san, the outfits are meant for you, you know...
...
Korosensei: Now, onto the next question! Looks like this one is for Hayami-san!
Hayami:?
[Librarian cosplay. Dream, or possibility?]
*silence*
Korosensei: ...Hayami-san, please holster that BB gun of yours as well.
Hikigaya: Strike two, sensei. Here's to hoping that you won't get another one.
Korosensei: I do think that your words and actions are acting against each other, Hikigaya-kun. Just why are you aiming that gun at me exactly?
...
Korosensei: Onto the next question! Lucky for us, the viewer sent us some illustrations as well. Oh, by the way, this question is meant for you, Hikigaya.
*Korosensei brings out two photos from the inside of the envelope and hands them over to Hikigaya*
[Please give us your opinion towards them.]
Hikigaya: They're cute.
*Killing intent surfaces from somwehere on the conference table. Hikigaya drinks a glass of water to alleviate his paranoia*
Korosensei: Oh, I forgot to mention that those two are guys.
*Killing intent fades. Hikigaya spits water out of his mouth*
Hikigaya: I thought that one of these pictures were familiar...But I just wrote it off as some kind of stick coincidence. But...this is actually Nagisa, isn't it?
Okajima Takebayashi: WHERE!?
*Hikigaya's BB fun fires, striking both Okajima and Takebayashi in the neck and knocking them out*
Hikigaya: Damn deviants.
Nagisa: H-H-H-Hikigaya-kun...b-burn it please!
Korosensei: Don't burn it, Hikigaya. If you do, then there's a ton of lawsuits coming from the studio itself.
Hikigaya: We're just recording this from a classroom. And since when did we have a studio here, exactly!?
...
Korosensei: Oho, this seems like an interesting question. Looks like this one is for you, Sugino-kun.
[How does NTR feel like?]
Sugino: Ah, that. To be honest...it feels both confusing and weird, with a bunch of anger bundled within as well. The thought that the only way for your beloved to be happy is to be with someone else is frustrating, and you feel anger at the fact that they even flaunt it in front of you. But you can't actually stay angry, since you know it's for the greater good...
*Nagisa places a hand on Sugino's shoulder for comfort*
Hikigaya: ...You're not even in a relationship with Kanzaki, though.
[Sugino has been moved to the infirmary after Hikigaya defended himself a little too eagerly.]
...
[Additionally, Okajima has also been moved to the infirmary after being assaulted by the girl's side of the class due to answering the question meant for him.]
...
Korosensei: Well, now that it's over, I guess I could go back to hosting. It seems to be a question for you, Nagisa.
[Who do you think is stronger? Hikigaya or Karma?]
*Silence. Hikigaya and Karma stared at one another for a few seconds, before turning towards Nagisa in sync*
Nagisa: *laughs* ...Well, I do think that each of them have their own respective points. Karma-kun is good at melee, with greater strength and stamina to boot, so he'd most likely dominate any form of close quarters combat. Meanwhile, Hikigaya-kun has the advantage in ranged engagements, since he could compensate for distance, track his shots, and even ricochet them off of nearby surfaces. I...wouldn't want to face him once he's got a free sight line. Although he's not too shabby with his knife and fundamentals, he's not a CQC specialist, so he tends to engage in middle distances in a fair fight.
Nagisa: ...Of course, if they even let their opponents engage them into a 'fair' fight in the first place. Since they're the best in psychological warfare, I'd most likely give up if the two of them are cooperating on the other side.
*Everyone shudders, having already experienced such a thing before*
Korosensei: An astute observation, Nagisa-kun! I must say, your information gathering skills are top-notch.
Hikigaya: So you were stalking us for that long? *shudders* You're scary, Nagisa.
Karma: People say he's actually the most dangerous individual in the E-Class.
Nagisa: You two...!
...
Korosensei: And onto the next question!
[Kanzaki-san, what do you think of Hikigaya's dream of being a househusband?]
Maehara: Oh God, it's that dream of his again...
Hikigaya: Now, now, even Korosensei approved if it.
Korosensei: That was because you wouldn't stop ranting about it. Even my patience has limits, you know.
Hikigaya: Heh. Since the rest of you are locked out of the loop, let me tell you about the joys of being a househusband. As you can see by the state of Japan's declining birth rate, a cause of it is the unsatisfactory relationship between spouses. Because even if they had managed to produce a child, the fact that they work for more than twelve hours a day means that-
Maehara: Damn, it's the same speech as it was during the field trip! Guys, get him!
[A scuffle ensues, and after many bruises, scratches, and pock marks of a BB pellet, Hikigaya Hachiman has been successfully subdued by the boys of class 3-E. However, it came at a loss of about a quarter of the boys' numbers, who were now recovering inside the infirmary.]
Isogai: ...Ugh, at least we finally got him to shut up.
Hikigaya: Mmph! Mmph!
Terasaka: Oh, shut it, you! You're the main reason as to why I have nightmares after that whole thing in Kyoto!
Hayami: ...Is he always like this?
Isogai: Yes.
Korosensei: Well, Kanzaki-san?
Kanzaki: *muttering* Then I'll go back home, and then I'd swoop up the kids in my arms and then he'll come up from the kitchen with a ladle in his hand, rocking an apron, and then he'll come up close and say...
Nakamura: I...think we know her answer by now.
Isogai: *closing his eyes* Indeed. It's also something that I'd wish I never hear again.
Everyone: Agreed...
...
[Hayami, what did Hikigaya do in order to get your interest? Whose the better marksman between the two of you?]
Nakamura: Now this is something that I'd like to hear.
Hayami: Shut up.
Kanzaki: To be honest, I would also like to know.
Hikigaya: ...Women. *glances towards Hayami*
Hayami: F-Fine. I was interested in him during the trip to Kyoto. He was in our group back then, and even though it seemed like he was still avoiding all social interaction. Then, completely different from what I expected, he joined in. I was trying to figure out as to why, but then... *flushes, and lowers voice* ...Everyone knows what happened.
Hikigaya: *blinks, and stares out of the window with a flush on his cheeks*
Nakamura: So that's a point for her, huh?
Hikigaya: I just remembered something in elementary.
Kanzaki: But Hayami-san still hasn't told us who is better at marksmanship.
Hikigaya: Proved it already.
Hayami: Sadly, he did. During one of our d- I mean, times where we hung out, he trounced me in an arcade game.
Nakamura: Did you just say that you snuck out on dates?
Hikigaya: Korosensei, next question!
...
[Nakamura-san, what is it do you find interesting about Hikigaya-kun?]
Nakamura: Nothing, really.
Hikigaya: Oi.
Nakamura: Which of course made him interesting. *Nakamura glares at Hikigaya, as if taunting him to reply* It's not everyday that you find someone genuinely uninteresting. Everyone has some quirks that they let it from time to time, but for the first few days since I met Hikigaya? I couldn't see a damn thing. Wanted to crack him up open so that I could see the real Hikigaya inside.
Hikigaya: Hn.
Nakamura: Don't go and kill the entire class now, alright?
...
[Korosensei, what jobs would you recommend for Hikigaya?]
Hikigaya: Househusband.
Kanzaki: Househusband.
Korosensei: Well...given what I know about Hikigaya, I'd actually suggest him to be a manager in a company's Human Resources department.
Everyone: Eh?
Korosensei: No, no, before you object, let me raise my point. You see, Hikigaya-kun's mindset is perfect for solving disputes. Having advanced knowledge of the way a human mind thinks and works can be a godsend for any company that needs a person that is able to understand troubling manners in a different perspective. Not only that, Hikigaya-kun is also proven to be an ardent seeker of knowledge, which means that he could consider all viewpoints before coming to a compromise about a certain problem. Certainly a perfect position for him, no?
Hikigaya: Huh. Now that you think about it...
...
[What are your pet peeves?]
Hikigaya: Pussyfooting around.
Kanzaki: *coughs*
...
Nakamura: Taking away the clothes that I use to dress Nagisa up.
Everyone: ...Why?
...
Kanzaki: People that don't give up even though they don't have a chance.
Sugino: *starts convulsing on the floor*
...
Hayami: Somebody beating my high score in Dance Dance.
Hikigaya: I don't even think anyone has gotten even close to that. Who the hell gets a full combo on a difficulty setting of 12?
...
Korosensei: Somebody putting BB pellets in my gelato.
Hikigaya: *coughs*
...
Nagisa: Being dressed up as a girl.
Nakamura: *coughs*
...
[This part is truncated due to length]
...
[Ritsu, what do you think about Hikigaya?]
Maehara: And there goes another one...
Mimura: Hikigaya-san, leave some of them for us, please.
Takebayashi: NOOO! RITSU-CHAN HAS PROBABLY BEEN DEFILED BY THAT MAN!
Hikigaya: Oi, I'd have you know that-
*Killing intent rises from three particular people*
Ritsu: -Hikigaya-san only sees me as an annoying little sister!
*Killing intent fades*
Hikigaya: Someday I'll die from a heart attack. I swear. Also, you're like Komachi, but more polite. Which is why I allow you to run free on my phone from time to time.
Nakamura: Oh? What did you find, Ritsu?
Ritsu: Nothing of particular note except for the files hidden within the folder 'Plans to Kill Korosensei'!
*everyone stares at Hikigaya*
Hikigaya: It really is just that.
*everyone makes sounds of suspicion*
Ritsu: Indeed! I didn't find any pornographic material inside Hikigaya-san's phone that Nakamura-san could use to determine Hikigaya-san's preferences!
Bakamura: Ritsu! Too much information!
Hikigaya: Thank you for the ammunition.
...
[Hikigaya-san, does your addiction to MAXX Coffee keep you awake at night? Also, how could you afford such a habit?]
Hikigaya: Well, I still have a normal sleep schedule, and I've got a bank account with my scholarship funds on it.
Hayami: So you embezzled yourself. I didn't expect anything else from you, Hikigaya-kun.
Nakamura: '-kun'?
Kanzaki: But is stealing your own money still stealing...?
...
[Hikigaya-san, who's your first kiss?]
Everyone: Obviously, it's Bitch-sensei.
Hikigaya: Oi!
Bitch-sensei: Oi! Why is my name like this!?
Korosensei: I'm truly sorry, Irina-sensei. It's the producer's call.
Hikigaya: Actually, my chastity's fine, along with Karma over here.
Everybody: How!?
Korosensei:They
have a BB gun and a knife strapped in their person at all times when English comes around. Isn't that right, Hikigaya-kun?
Hikigaya: Simple stuff, really.
...
[Ritsu, what do you think of Hikigaya?]
Maehara: This again...
Ritsu: I think he's a wonderful person! If one were to disregard his looks, then one could see that he is everything that a girl could ask for!
Takebayashi: She has been taken! The 2D has become 3D! Why!? Why must life be so unfair!?
*killing intent rises*
Ritsu: And that is why I see him as a dependable older brother! Or at least, one that I imagine him to be.
*killing intent fades*
Mimura: Bro-zoned, huh?
Takebayashi: No...it just got worse!
Okajima: That's right. There's more flags overall on the 'siblings not related by blood route' compared to just being strangers.
Hikigaya: This ain't a galge, baka.
*killing intent rises*
Hikigaya: ...*sighs in resignation*
...
[How do you fuel your MAXX Coffee addiction?]
Hikigaya: I have a bank account for my scholarship, used for living expenses.
Korosensei: Part of the deal that you managed to sneak in with the Principal, right?
Hikigaya: Just how exactly did you know that?
...
[Who was Hikigaya's kiss?]
Hikigaya: None yet.
Everyone: But, Bitch-sensei...
Hikigaya: I don't sleep in English class. Period.
Karma: He also keeps his airgun out. Same reason as to why I keep a knife around me at all times.
...
[What are Kayano and Hikigaya's opinions about each other?]
Hikigaya: Bitch.
Kayano: Prick.
...
[How is Hikigaya going to pay for all of his upcoming dates?]
Hikigaya: Simple. Blackmail Korosensei.
Korosensei: Now that I heard about it, your plan's not going to work, you know?
Hikigaya: Ah, right. I guess that you wouldn't want to support your ships, then. It's alright. I can understand.
Korosensei: W-Wait, I'm sure we can come to a compromise...
Everyone: Hook, like, and sinker.
...
[Does Hikigaya watch PreCure?]
Korosensei: Hikigaya-kun, put the gun down.
Hikigaya: Next. Question.
[In private, he told the Transcript Committee that yes, he watches PreCure. It also is one of his favorite shows.]
...
[Ritsu, why do you spend a lot of time with Hikigaya?]
Ritsu: Aside from being his seatmate, yes? Well, I use his phone as a beta for the app I'm going to make that allows the E class to share better communications with one another. It still has some bugs, though, but I think that I'd be done before summer vacation.
Sugino: So, what exactly are you working on?
Ritsu: It's a secret~
...
[Hikigaya, what's your relationship with the Principal?]
Hikigaya: We made a deal when I transferred here.
Nakamura: We knew that, but what kind of deal?
Fuwa: Now that would be spoiling a major part of the plot, wouldn't it?
Hayami: Huh?
Fuwa: I said nothing.
...
[Hikigaya, would you allow your sister to meet Irina Jelavich?]
Everyone: NO!!!
Bitch-sensei: ...While I would normally scold you for that, you brats have a point.
...
[Komachi, what do you think about your brother's new look?]
Hikigaya: Wait. Komachi isn't even here.
Komachi: You thought wrong, Onii-chan! And to answer their question, the fact that my Gomii-chan currently have gas three women pining after him is enough for an answer.
...
[Are you willing to share?]
Nakamura: Sure, I don't mind. If Hachiman doesn't want to however...
Hikigaya: I have morals, so no.
Hayami: It's a no for me as well.
Kanzaki: Does it look like I want to share?
*Nakamura, Hayamu, and Kanzaki start fighting*
Hikigaya: See? Too much trouble to have.
Isogai: So you're just gonna let them fight like that?
Hikigaya: *noda reverently* Such is the rule of Darwin.
*everyone looks at Hikigaya in disgust*
Ritsu: But what if they cooperate?
Hikigaya: ...I'll get back to you on that.
...
[Is Hikigaya aware that a list of his weaknesses is being made?]
Hikigaya: Wait, what?
*Hikigaya is knocked unconscious by a liberal application if force to the back of his head*
Karma: Nagisa, find out whoever wrote this question. We need to have a...'talk' with this guy about confidentiality.
Nagisa: *nods* Got it.
...
[End of Transcript]