Author's Note: I got the idea for this after watching Little Kuriboh's video, Marik's Evil Council of Doom. I just couldn't pass up the idea of writing something like this after watching that. If I get enough reviews, I'll make another one. Enjoy.
Ganondorf's Council of Annoyance
"Okay, okay, settle down everyone," Ganondorf told his fellow council members in a bored tone.
The party was assembled in a dimly lit basement. A large rectangular table was in the middle of the room with the council sitting around it. The council itself was compromised of all the bosses and mini-bosses from Ocarina of Time plus a group of other monsters. Ganondorf sat at the head of the table, heading the whole meeting.
"What now?" a Wallmaster replied stopping its game of bloody knuckles with Bongo-Bongo.
"We have two new members today that I apparently have to introduce to you losers." Ganondorf pulled out some flashcards from his pocket. "Our first member is a fairy from Kokiri Forest. Her resume says that she effectively made Link gain a phobia towards the phrase 'Hey, Listen!'. Her powers include the ability to fly, breathing underwater, surviving in volcanic temperatures, and making every battle a living hell with her constant pestering."
The council murmured approvingly at this.
"Who is this warrior?" Dark Link asked.
"Her name's Navi," Ganondorf replied. As he said this, a glowing blue ball with wings appeared.
"Hey, listen! My name's Navi! Watch out! I'm very honored that you've accepted me into your evil council! Hello! I will try my best to prove myself worthy of being a council member!"
The other council members stared at confusion at Ganondorf.
Ganondorf decided to ask, "Umm... Navi, do you have to keep talking like that? There's no one you have to annoy to death right now."
"Hello! Sorry, this is just how I talk! Hey!"
"Hold on a second," a Like-Like interjected. "Wasn't she a good guy in Ocarina of Time? What's a non-villain doing here?"
Ganondorf sighed before answering. "She was actually a double agent whose mission was to drive Link insane so that I could easily take over the world and keep it that way. Unfortunately, her potent pestering caused Link to go half deaf too early on. Thanks to that, Link only obtained a phobia towards the 'Hey, listen!' phrase rather than go totally insane."
"Watch out! And I was so close to achieving my goal, too! Hey, listen!"
"Moving on." Ganondorf pulled out a different flashcard. "The other new member is also from Kokiri Forest. Boasting a height of three feet, he claims to have been Link's childhood bully. His powers include the ability to effectively block off a passageway, along with a strange immunity to all sorts of weapons. Everyone give a warm welcome to Mido," Ganondorf sarcastically finished.
A three feet tall midget wearing a green tunic came strutting forward.
"Hey you jerk-asses! Cringe in fear from the presence of the mighty Mido! Bow down before me or suffer my wrath!" Mido announced to the crowd.
"Okay. I'm killing this guy," Phantom Ganondorf said as he threw an energy ball at Mido.
The energy blast harmlessly bounced off of Mido and hit an Iron-Knuckle, blowing off parts of its armor. The Iron-Knuckle immediately retaliated by throwing its ax at Mido. Unfortunately, the ax merely rebounded off of Mido again and went flying straight at Ganondorf.
"Can we please not try to destroy each other before we kill Link?" Ganondorf asked as he pulled out the ax lodged in his head.
"Ummm... how are you still alive?" a stalfos inquired.
"Once you've been shot multiple times with magical arrows, slashed to ribbons by a mythical sword, then have an entire castle come crashing down on you, and finally getting stabbed through the forehead, most wounds seem superficial compared to all that."
A stunned silence followed.
"Wow," King Dodongo finally said breaking the silence, "you'd think Link would be less violent, being the good guy and all."
"Are you kidding me? The guy shot both my hands and my eye withf***ing arrows and then proceeded to cut my eye open!" Bongo-Bongo shouted.
"No doubt about it. Link's probably the biggest sadist we know. And that's coming from me! The guy who eats Gorons for an afternoon snack!" Volvagia also added.
"Link's violent tendencies aside, it's time we figured out how to deal with Link," Ganondorf interrupted. "Now, we know that making him go through numerous trap-filled dungeons and other dangerous areas haven't proved effective. So, I thought of a new master plan that will surely..."
"Honey!" a shrill voice called out from the floor above them. " Do you want some ice cream? Koume and I bought some!"
"NOT NOW MOTHER!" Ganondorf roared out leapingout from his seat. "Can't you see that I'm plotting another evil plan to kill Link and take over Hyrule?"
"I want some ice cream," Mido stated.
"Shut up!" Ganondorf turned back to his moms. "Just leave me alone for the next few hours mom!"
"But we bought your favorite... Rocky Road!"
Ganondorf expression immediately changed to that of a child on Christmas morning.
"Okay! I'll take two scoops! Oh! Don't forget to add the sprinkles on top!"
"Do you want it in a cup or a cone?" Koume asked.
"Mom! I'm not a kid anymore! You know that I'm fully capable of holding a cone by now! Of course, I'll eat it on a cone! Actually, never mind! Just leave the ice cream in the fridge! I'll go eat it once I'm done with my meeting!"
The rest of the council all tried their hardest to not burst out laughing for fear of unleashing Ganondorf's wrath. Unfortunately, the hilarity of the situation couldn't just be passed by.
"Sprinkles? What next? You'll want your teddy bear when you go to sleep?" a Wolfos managed to say in between his bursts of laughter.
"No, no, no. He'll probably want his mommys to hold his hand when he goes into the deeper parts of the swimming pool," Morpha exclaimed.
Ganondorf turned towards his fellow council members in a very slow and dramatic fashion. Three seconds later, everyone was on the ground, twitching, after Ganondorfhad blasted them with dark energy. Excluding Mido, of course.
"Now then, about my new plan. I've given it some thought and I figured out the best way to get rid of Link. Our research indicates that his greatest weakness is a flock of chickens. So, in order to exploit this weakness, we'll..."
"Not happening, dude. I already tried it out and it failed." A pale looking man with a Mohawk suddenly entered into the room.
"Who the hell are you? How did you find this location?" Ganondorf questioned.
"Next time, try to not to hold an evil meeting in your moms' basement, man. I just, like totally, looked through the phone book and found your house."
"Wait a minute," a Poe interrupted, "This is your moms' basement? You told us it was your secret underground lair!"
"Well... it sort of serves as both. And besides, underground lair sounds way cooler on an invitation than your moms' basement," Ganondorf sheepishly replied.
"That explains why Koume and Kotake were missing for the meeting. I was wondering why they just randomly bought ice cream and offered it to us," a Keese put in.
"Okay! Getting back to the point. Why won't the chicken thing work?"
"Well, I tricked the tunic-wearing guy into making my chicks grow up into full-grown chickens. I thought with all the chickens around, he'd start whacking one with his sword for the fun of it. Yeah, he totally did just that. Unfortunately, the kid's been mauled by chickens so many times, he's developed, like, a sixth-sense that allows him to detect and avoid all chickens that try to kill him. You should have seen it man. The kid moved like that agent guy in The Matrix."
"Who exactly are you again?" Ganondorf asked, slightly put down that his master plan was foiled
"I'm the guy living in the Romani Ranch area. You know, in Termina. The alternate dimension of this place."
"Ah yes. So, you're from Termina. How's my old high school buddy Majora doing there? Last time I checked in on him, he was bragging about how he could destroy an entire world faster than I could take over one."
"Oh, you mean the creepy purple mask that's shaped like a heart? Yeah, he's currently trying to pull an entire moon down to crush all living things in Termina. Not cool man."
"Oh, Goddesses. What's with him and moon's? During last year's high school reunion, he crushed the entire school with a miniature moon just because he couldn't get the last can of soda. Luckily for us, he waited three whole days before bringing the moon down. Everyone had evacuated the entire county by then."
"Yeah, man. He's doing the same thing again right now. Speaking of which, I should be going back now. I'm going to miss the new episode of House if I don't hurry. Later dudes!"
Everyone stared as the pale guy walked out.
"A giant moon is about to crush his planet and he's going back there to watch a TV show," Barinade finally said, breaking the awkward silence.
"Hey, if there's one show worth dying for, it's House," a Redead put in.
"Why do we keep on going off topic? Can't we just figure out how to kill Link once and for all?" Ganondorf shouted out in frustration.
"Speaking of which, shouldn't you be in a endless white void right now? As for that matter, shouldn't all the bosses and mini-bosses be dead?" a Gidbo asked the council.
"Nah. I think everyone but you already knew that we just pretended to die and ran away. Plus, I'm pretty sure that Ganondorf was just put on probation by the sages once Ocarina of Times was over," Gohma replied.
"Well you got that part right," Ganondorf acknowledged. "I'm free to do whatever I want as long as I don't personally kill Link or try to take over Hyrule until Twilight Princess is announced."
"Cool! Will I be in the new game?" a Like-Like asked.
"No. Apparently, most of the basic enemies from Ocarina of Time won't appear again. I did hear that Morpha and Gohma will make an appearance as new bosses though. Also, there's a boss which will fight just like Phantom Ganondorf did." Ganondorf seemed to think for a while. "I'm also pretty sure that the game developers purposely got rid of the three most annoying monsters in the series. That means you guys, Wallmasters, Like-Likes, and Redeads.
As soon as he said this all the Wallmasters, Like-Likes, and Redeads stood up shouted out in protest.
"That's just plain bullshit man! How can you make a Legend of Zelda game without us? That's like trying to make a Super Mario game without Lakitus or Hammer Bros.!" a Like-Like raged.
"Actually, they didn't make an appearance in Super Mario Galaxy and the game sold extremely well," Mido commented.
"Okay that's it! Consider yourself dead, you tunic-wearing bastard!"
All the Wallmasters, Like-Likes, and Redeads dog-piled Mido. The rest of the council formed a ringaround them and started placing bets. Flying above them, Navi continuously shouted out, "Hey, listen!"
Ganondorf put his head in his hands before slowly walking up the stairs where he knew his Rocky Road ice cream waited.