Bro was in the living room watching Yu-Gi-Oh hentai when it happened, his "brother" had walked in and inquired about his name. After twelve years of silence Dirk had assumed that Dave had just assumed it was for the best if he didn't know, guess the thought just didn't occur to him, or maybe he felt worried about bringing it up. Either way Dirk owed him an explanation, and he would deliver it through past-tense, first person POV narration.
The Strider family secret was first conjured twelve years prior to the present.
The time had come and Roxy had finally birthdaved the babby that you both agreed would be raised by you since she clearly wasn't ready, and told about to no one. That and you have a homosexual reputation of the highest caliber to uphold, wouldn't want to tarnish it with this. After a few days, once the baby was ready to go home, you came to take custody of it, apparently Roxy also gave you naming rights to it, being as it was your offspring and also gonna be under your roof. You decided you'd name it Doritos, so that whenever you wanted them you'd be entitled to call out "Doritos," which would summon them, and then you could get all serious and repeat it so they'd actually go get you some. Perfect plan.
Only one thing you hadn't anticipated got in your way. The nurse at the desk was a very attractive man, or he at least appealed to one of your kinks by being dressed in a nurse outfit. When he asked for the name you simply said what was on your mind, "Eat my ass," for a moment he studied your still expression. After being convinced he confirmed the name was available on his DongbookPro and made it official. Before you could protest about it the beb was in your hands with it's horrendous birth certificate taped to it's forehead.
Name: eatmyass
Sex: I don't know I just got here
Time of Birth: I forgot, sometime after pizza.
Birth Parents:
Mother: Roxy Lalonde
Father: Okay Say That Again I Wasn't Listening Strider
"Congrasturbations on your child Mr. Strider. Unique moniker if I might add," the nurse pipes up.
"You better fuckin' agree to eat my ass after pullin' this shit, nurse."
"...and so he did, and that is how you are who you are today," you say, concluding your grandiose tale.
"What the hell is wrong with you? Why didn't you just get my name changed after?"
"Eatmyass, I kept it because I love you and wanted to teach you one of life's most important lessons. Sometimes, someone fucks up, and it has an impact on you sure, but sometimes there's nothing you can do for cheap that will fix it. We have to live with our mistakes, Dave, or we'll never grow as people."
"You didn't even give me a middle or last name, it just says eatmyass, it's not even capitalized like a name," he snaps back disdainfully.
"I don't want people to know I'm related to eatmyass," you respond bluntly.
"Then why did you frame my birth certificate and put it on the wall above the TV?" He asks.
"For ironic purposes, Jesus Christ eatmyass, you've been in this family for twelve years fucking act like it."
"... and that's how I received the name I have today," eatmyass finished.
"Oh my god, that origin story's kinda depressing, I mean like, I laughed but I get how hard it probably was for you to grow up like that," John responded looking a bit sour.
"Yeah, pretty sure no one in the world understands how I feel, and it means a lot when a teenager says that," eatmyass responded.
"I know you're probably not feelin' the best right now but, do you have anymore stories relating to your name?"
Eatmyass looked to the comfortable carpeted floor of his room for a moment before looking back to John, "wanna hear about my fifth birthday?"
Eatmyass looked up at the flawlessly constructed smuppet cake, Bro couldn't cook in the slightest but when smuppets were involved anything was possible.
His new friends were off to the side playing with his trains, he briefly considered beating them up, those were his trains. Seriously what the hell, sharing was for losers. Eatmyass instead joined them in playing with the trains, Toby was his favorite because he was criminally insane, and a square.
Soon it was time to open presents, an odd smelling blonde woman handed him a box that had "to eatmyass, love, oh shit wait no, never mind im just a friend and not your mom" scrawled in appalling cursive. Inside was an adorable stuffed puppy, which had been his favorite gift overall. Eatmyass knew that the joy would only be temporary though, but he still enjoyed the gift. He knew that once everyone left Bro would take it as his own and go about the transformation, and the next day he would find a soft smuppet plushie in the living room, and weep for what it once was.
The time to eat cake is when eatmyass' worst party guest arrived. His Brother had recently begun dating a nurse from a local hospital, that happened to be very attractive, a man, and had an accent more hilarious than Bro's, and that qualified him as boyfriend material.
Jake walked over to greet Eatmyass, kneeling down to eye level and eatmyass began to cry profusely.
"Wait, why were you crying he was just saying hi?" John butted in.
"Because he was scary as fuck, have you even seen him? His eyebrows are fucking terrifying, like they're going to consume you're soul!" Eatmyass responded sounding highly upset.
John stared at eatmyass blankly.
"I remember on my fifth birthday when that damn nurse showed up. It was his fault I'm named this, and all he could do was ruffle his eyebrows at me until I cried," eatmyass' expression turned to one of despair.
Eatmyass continued, "his eyebrows never liked me, they always furrowed in disapproval about five inches above his eyes, like, he didn't raise his eyebrows, he flew them."
"Eyebrows. You're judging a man based on his eyebrows," John responded dully.
"No, it was how he used, no, abused his eyebrows. When him and my brother starting dating, sometimes I'd see them making out on the couch after school, and sometimes... his eyebrows would raise whenever I entered like they were aware of my presence," eatmyass said with concern.
"I think you may just be projecting some of your negative feelings about your name onto an english nurse that happens to be taking some time away from your Bro to be with you. In the event your lonely I'm here for ya," John said enthusiastically.
"No damn it, you missed the entire point and don't act like Rose, having one therapist is good enough," eatmyass replied, disappointed in his friend.
"Sorry, just trying to provide some helpful input and no, if I wanna be a therapist I damn well will. That's my right as an American. Now, I have a better idea," John said before exiting the room.
John returned with some eyeliner and proceeded to repeatedly highlight and thicken his brows with the utensil, "Now, eatmyass, talk to me as if I were Jake. My brows will respond accordingly, come on and let it all out."
Eatmyass soon after called John's father without his knowledge and sent him home, he laughed as John's father questioned him in the hallway numerous times on his new face cozies. However, later that night the thoughts of his dark reality returned and he cried himself to sleep.