I don't really know why I opened that file. I shouldn't have. It was for her eyes only. Clearly, I could read the words, For Vala, From Vala. It's not like I meant to go digging for it. It just appeared in front of me, enticing me like click-bait on a web site.
Sam said there was more data on that chip from the Odyssey than was needed for the time dilation reversal. She said that the extra data was encrypted somehow and it looked as if only I could open it. Like the cypher was in another language. So that's why I had the chip.
We all assumed I put it there. I probably spent my decades on the Odyssey studying the Asgard database. Made discoveries. Needed to record them. Wanted to save my younger self time. Perhaps there was some world-saving, no, galaxy-saving secret hidden in there that I felt I would need.
But instead, I found this. And it damn near broke my heart.
Vala, if you are reading this, then congratulations on making it off of this dreadful ship. I mean, really, good for you. This place has been awful. There aren't enough Go'auld curses available to describe this entrapment.
A word of advice to save you grief. Well, maybe two.
First, life is short.
Second, be careful with your heart. He can break it into a million tiny pieces with his words. It only takes one moment for everything to fall apart.
There was more. I had to stop and step back at this point. I turned off the screen. I pulled the chip out of the reader. It wasn't right for me to continue. Those were her private thoughts. She deserved to keep those thoughts to herself if she wanted. It would be her right after being trapped in that prison.
I also couldn't bear to think that maybe "he" was me. That I somehow made her miserable on that ship. The confirmation of that guilt would be too much to bear.
Within minutes I could be back in my office. She would undoubtedly be there, cheerful and perky as ever. She doesn't have to learn the truth, whatever the truth might have been in that timeline. Teal'c knows. But he won't tell. Maybe that strange look he gave me the other day was not my imagination after all.
Crap. What did I do?
I am halfway to my office when I suddenly turn back around. I have this strong urge to find out what cruelty I was truly capable of, trapped and cooped up on that ship. A small, rational part of me tries to reason that I am making assumptions. That if I go down this path I would be violating her trust, even if she might never find out. My curiosity gets the better of me instead.
Before I know it, I am back in Sam's lab. This time I lock the door.
He likes to dwell on the details. He analyzes. He wonders. He ponders. He forgets to eat. You believe he has very little room for anything other than his work in that big brain of his. He focuses too hard to save the world and his friends. You think he simply needs a quick release. To have a little fun.
I'm not sure if I should be offended or guilty or both at this point. Of course she's talking about me. And it's absolutely true that I will do anything to save the world I know and love. And I can have fun. Just maybe not the same fun as her.
He is a man of words. You must meet him where he is at and go from there. You might not believe you can do it, but I'm sure you'll find a way. Any other path that you think is right, well, it isn't. Because otherwise he will yell and scream and tell you in no uncertain terms that you are too broken to love someone with sincerity. And maybe he is broken, too. How do I know? Because it happened.
Like no one before, this is the man that can hurt you.
So I did ruin her life. I let out all the fear and pain in one awful moment. She must have pushed and prodded me to the point where I couldn't keep it in any longer. I can feel my heart skipping beats. There's a slight pang to my chest when I breathe. The excitement I once had at uncovering Asgard secrets has been replaced by this depressing notion that I am a terrible friend and teammate. Fifty or sixty years? That's a long time for her to wait to warn herself about me.
How could I have done that to her?
She's written more here. Probably more details about how miserable she was. And I'm just the sort that can't stop partway – I have to finish what I start. Probably another nail in the coffin.
You are a woman driven by instinct. You do what feels right. It's gotten you this far and for the most part, you've survived the stones that have been thrown at you. So what now, you ask? If you really want what I know you want, you'll need to go about things differently. If you get it wrong, at least you won't be trapped on a ship with nowhere to run. This time, you can leave at will. Running always looks enticing when things go sideways, doesn't it?
I don't want her to leave. Is she telling herself to consider abandoning the team? The SGC? Me? I swallow hard as I keep going.
I can't tell you exactly what to do. I have no idea what sort of life you will be able to lead, now that you are no longer tethered to the ship as I unwillingly am. But I thought I'd offer you this insight in the hopes that maybe you can avoid a little pain.
If you are successful, then I think happiness will come to you. Hopefully you can be as happy as I have been with him by my side all these years. Perhaps more.
Wait a minute… I'm suddenly confused. Is she saying that we…? I thought this was a warning about how badly I could hurt her. I reread those last few sentences. We were together? Even after I hurt her?
I absently keep scrolling down as I ponder at this latest revelation. Eventually the text disappears, but my finger keeps pressing down on the button. I'm lost in my thoughts when I see a final message at the bottom.
Oh and by the way, have the doctors take a look at you, you know, down there. Maybe they can figure out a way to save your next child. You deserve to have one that you can keep.
Oh. No. I take in a shaky breath at what she is trying to tell herself. We must have suffered a loss together. A truly horrible, tragic loss. My eyes suddenly feel heavy and wet.
I turn everything off in the lab. Then I sit in the dark for a moment. I can't face her now. I'll have to go to my quarters. I have to process this. I have to think through what I've done, or, could have done. Teal'c knows. But he won't tell.
I don't remember falling asleep. Vala's suddenly right there at the side of my bed, looking down at me with concern. I'm not sure I deserve it.
"Are you alright, Darling?"
Her brow is furrowed in her worry. Her dark hair is cascading down past her shoulders, framing that beautiful face of hers. I sneak a glance at the time, realizing I never made it back to my office to finish working with her. The day is already over.
It's another beat before I answer her question and sit up. "I guess I was more tired than I thought," I say, unable to meet her eyes. I'm more confused than ever.
"You probably forgot to eat." She pokes at my shoulder playfully.
He forgets to eat, she wrote. I'll bet she would bring me lunch on those days I was too distracted staring at the Asgard database. The corner of my mouth turns up into a small smile at that thought.
I take one of her hands in my own and simply hold it. I still can't look her in the eyes yet, so I study her hand. It's smooth and soft and fits perfectly in mine. She seems to just wait patiently for me. I never realized Vala was patient. I always assumed the opposite. I think I always assumed the worst. I'm horrible.
Eventually, her other hand feels my forehead, checking for fever. When none is found, it slides down to cup my face and make my eyes meet hers. "What is it? Did you find something on that chip from the Odyssey?"
I don't have the courage to answer.
"Or… there was nothing there," she assumes. "Oh Daniel, I'm sorry. I know you wanted to find the secret to saving the universe in there. I could see it in your eyes when Sam called you." For the time-being, I won't correct her. She's partially right anyway.
Now that I think about it, I don't give her enough credit. She's right more times than I can count.
He is a man of words. You are a woman driven by instinct… you'll need to go about things differently than before.
Maybe it's high time I stop waiting for her to change and do a little changing myself. I can't stand the thought that I might hurt her. Or already could be hurting her now.
I release her hand and reach up to cup her face, too. She smiles softly.
It's going to take time for me to own up to what I've done, or would have done. I can't change overnight. But I can start.
"Hungry?" I ask her.
"Commissary?" she responds.
"It's a date." She laughs brightly at my supposed joke, and it's like music.
Vala walks into my office a few weeks later. "So?" I ask, trying to hide my worry.
"Carolyn says everything is normal. No concerns." She eyes me warily. "Why?"
"Just want to be sure you're healthy, that's all." I bury my nose in a book.
She raises an eyebrow at me, knowing I'm not telling her the whole story. She snatches the book away and gently sets it on a far corner of the desk. Without asking, she sits down on my lap, legs swinging sideways over mine. I have to lean back a bit to keep our balance on the stool. But this only gives her a perfect view of my face and my sorry attempt to hide from her.
"For a man of words, you are awfully lacking in them lately, Daniel." Her comment reminds me of what she wrote to herself. I instantly feel fresh guilt for ever reading her private message. But then again, I am glad to have gained the insight it offered me.
I think I do love this woman. And I think she loves me. But we're both scared. Too much could go wrong. Being stuck on the Odyssey was almost safer than the unpredictability we face out here. But I would never say that aloud. Especially not in front of Teal'c.
She's still staring at me, waiting for me to explain why I am so interested in her gynecological health. I stroke her hand absently as I try to think up an excuse. I've been doing that lately. Little touches here and there that I catch myself making. She hasn't protested so far. How many times have I done this in front of others without realizing it?
"Daniel," she reminds me.
I didn't even know I stopped meeting her eyes. I return my gaze to her now. "Yes?" I say innocently.
"What are you thinking?" That's a new one. I don't remember her ever asking that so directly before.
"I… umm… I'm thinking that I should… eat something."
She rolls her eyes at me. Vala gets up, and I feel sorry for her sudden absence from my lap. She pulls on my hands as she steps backwards. "Come on, let's eat then."
"Go grab your jacket."
She looks to me in slight surprise. "Does this mean no commissary?" she asks in a hopeful tone.
Her bright eyes pull me in. "No commissary," I say with a smile. I'm so tempted to kiss her. She runs out before I can work up the nerve. She's too excited at the prospect of leaving the mountain.
Another couple weeks go by, and we are all exhausted beyond belief. This last mission was a rough mission. I don't have it in me to drive all the way home, even though I probably should check on the place. This last one was also especially hard on Vala. I know she's harboring a lot of guilt over what Adria's been doing. It's worse now knowing we couldn't save those people today.
After a decent shower, I decide to knock on her door to check on her. When she doesn't answer, I go in to make sure she is alright. We've been doing that for a while now, just walking into each other's quarters.
She's buried herself in her covers. Maybe she's just fallen asleep. A harsh strip of light from the hallway highlights her tear-stained cheeks. My worry skyrockets. I let the door slowly click closed. I kneel down before her bed and stroke her hair. After my eyes have adjusted to the darkness of her room, I realize she's opened hers and is looking at me. Her bottom lip is quivering.
I know I'm not the direct cause of her sadness today, but I feel guilty just the same. I can't stand to see her cry. I kiss her forehead and then urge her to move over. I climb in with her and just hug her. She lets her tears fall freely now. This ends up being the first time we share a bed together in our own bodies, but we don't do more than hold each other all night. It really was a tough couple of days.
I decide that she could use time away. From the mountain. From the stress. From the constant worry. I'd probably never think to do that for myself, but her needs seem to influence mine these days. So I sign her out of there without really telling anyone and make her bring an overnight bag just in case. I don't really have a plan. I don't think either of us has any expectations. The point is to just take a break from the SGC and all the crap that goes with it.
She brings me coffee on my porch that morning. I make her tea in the afternoon. We sit together on the couch watching a random movie on TV and end up falling asleep there. When my eyes open in the evening, she's safe in my arms and it's all I could ever want. I know that I won't let her go. And I'll make damn sure I don't do anything that pushes her away. No more words that cut like a knife.
Vala opens her eyes while I'm stroking her hair. She looks up at me from my lap and smiles softly. "This is probably the most relaxed I've seen you in a long time, Daniel."
"I blame you," I say with a smile of my own.
She grins and sits up, but doesn't leave my personal space. We have this way of communicating with our eyes. After countless missions and harrowing near-death experiences, our trust simply manifests that way. I've spent so many waking hours with her, and a few not-so-waking hours, too, that I might be damn-near telepathic when it comes to her. So now, as we lock eyes with each other contentedly, I know it's time. I lean toward her and capture her lips with mine.
The way our lips meet isn't the same as the first time. That was lustful and quick-paced. This… this is heaven. We take our time enjoying the feel of something both of us have wanted for so long. In this moment, nothing is weighing us down. The world just melts away. There's just me and her. I'm not sure how long it lasts, but it feels like a long time.
Between kisses that are growing increasingly passionate, I beg her, "Don't ever leave."
She cups my face with her hands and pauses to look me in the eyes. "Never planned on it. I have a reason to stay." Her intense stare tells me I'm that reason. She doesn't have to say it aloud. Now I have the confirmation I didn't even know I was looking for.
Something tugs at my mind as we hold each other. That file was encrypted in such a way that only I could have opened it. Is it possible that Vala left that message there purposefully for me to find? Did my alternate-self help her? She was advising herself to change, but I wonder now if it was all a psychological trick to get me to change instead. Maybe it worked. She is snuggling with me on my couch after all. And I don't mind one bit.
That timeline on the Odyssey has essentially been erased. All the hurt and frustration gone with it. We get to start over. And now, if we want, we could spend another fifty or sixty years together without a heartbreaking incident between us to kick it off. I can't help but feel lucky. I feel like I just corrected a mistake that I didn't know I could make. Hindsight sure is 20/20.