A/N: So. I'm doing it. I was recently in the mood to torture myself, so I reread 'My Immortal.' Then I happened upon the 'First Day of School' Contest over at HPFC. And I was suddenly like –

Brainstorm

/head explodes into millions of little pieces

What was our dearest protagonist's first day of school like? How did the… er… extremely normal inhabitants of Hogwarts react upon meeting the 'goffik pozr-hater' who was to be drastically changing them over the course of the next few years?

This is her story.

Disclaimer: Thank you, Tara, for the sensational work of art you've created. I shall hold you in my heart forever. There are some insults/misspellings/things like that copied from her story.

Just for clarification, all misspellings are on purpose – even the ones that look accidental. I am not to be held accountable for any injury/insanity/death that might occur as a result of reading this work. Viewer excretion advised.

Actually, in all seriousness, if you've read the original… thing… you know that Tara has a thing for cursing and lots of adult topics. Thus, I'll be mentioning things (self-harm, abuse, suicide… the list goes on) that could possibly be triggering. I don't want to offend anyone, of course, but if you don't think you can handle this then don't read, please. Go eat chocolate. You'll feel better.

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Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was innocent once – it had seen murder and romance and violence and remained unscathed. This time, the time before the monster arrived, is sometimes known as the Age of Innocence. That era is no more.

Chapter One: Chapter One

Today I woke up in my coffin in my room made off Good Charlotte poster and posters of Amy Lee and Gerard Way who I'm not related to but I still think he's smexy a hottie. I am eleven years and my mom is named Isabella FRENZine Manicia Noh and my dad is dead which is why I am depressed (because he died), and his name is Silvus, because his hair is grey silver like mine. I have long black hair that I'm growing out because people tell me that it's fucking hot even though I'm eleven so they're fucking pervs. My hair has blue tips and limpid eyes and I am very pale because I am a vampire who drinks blod. My dad is abusive and he rapes me every night so I am depressed (c dats y shez goffik! et maks sens now duznt it)!

I was dreaming about blood and death because I am morbese and goffik. And then there was a sound like Satan and there was a voice.

"Ebony." a voice roared. It was… my mom! Oh yeah my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way because my parents were vampires and not married so I have a different last name and am depressed.

I opened my crimson eyes and opened the coffin and got dressed in a black corsettish top and a short skirt (and I didn't look like a slut) with high black boots and a tato on my left shoulder. I didn't put on makeup because I'm only eleven and only preps wear makeup and I put on white blush and mascara on my long eyelashes that people say are hot. I looked very goffik and hot like a teenager even though I'm not.

Then I went down.

My mom and dad were sitting on the kitchen table looking very serious so I bitch-slapped them and said "whazzup yo" because my parents are gangsters.

"Ebony." My mom said. Tears of darkness swam in her angry eyes. I gasped sexily. "There is something we must inform you of."

" WHAT!" I whimpered. "You lied to me you fucking prepz!" I was so angry that I broke the chair and made her fall on the floor.

"There is something I must tell you." My dad said. I looked at him with kindness because he is goffik like me. "You are going to Hogwarts."

…..I gasped.

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Chapter Two: Chapter Two

A minute later I flew to the train station in English because I had to go to Hogwarts. My parents said I was a witch and a vampire so I had to go and they had lied to me all these years (fckg prepz! c rnt dey evil!1). I was angry and depressed so I slit my wrists and then went to the train.

When I was there I saw a store called wandmakers so I went in. "Hi I need a wand for Hogwarts" I said smiling hotly at the old man. He blushed and kissed me but I pushed him away. "Fucking perv!" I yelled amazedly.

He blushed. "My apologies. My name is Olvoonder and I want to put my wand in you. I will sell you one."

Two seconds later he took out a long stick with marks of Satan on it and I smiled happily. I took it and black skulls shot out of the tip of the end. Olvider gasped.

"WHAT?" I yelled angrily.

He looked at me with adoration and misery in his depressed eyes. "That wand is the twin of Volfemort. You are destined for great things." "I know." I said modestly.

I left the room and went into the train then because it left. I sat next to a sexy boy with hair.

"Hi." I said lovingly.

"Hi!" He yelled sexily. I smiled and bit him on the neck so he turned into a vampire like me. When he was done he smiled at me. "I'm Draco Malfoy but you can call me Drakypoo"

"I'm ebony," I informed sadly. I started sobbing and he walked around and put his arms around me all protective and asked me what's wrong. "EVERYTHING!" I yelled.

He looked sad for me so I kissed him and…. he blushed!11111111111111111

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Chapter Three: Chapter Three

"WHAT!" I yelled the fucking prep lied to me! "Why are you blushing you ludacris fool!"

He started crying. "I'm a vampire! I need blood!" I knew that he was so thirsty that he was going to dye ( i no dat vamreps only r kild by steak bud is my stori! fu!). So I went out and brought him a boy to swallow.

"Thank you Ebony." Draco wailed gratefully."You saved my life!" Then he ate his throat. I looked down and saw… a scar!

"Oh no, that, was Harry Potter." Draco said afraid. I smiled because I had a plan so I bit him on the throat and turned him into a vampire like me. "Thou shalt be called…. Vampire!"

He gasped.

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Chapter Four: Chapter Four

We went to the school where it was sunning and raining. I screamed.

"What!" Draco roared looking angry. I smiled at him sadly while cutting myself and listening to My Immortal (haha gedit?shez liseng 2 da titl!).

"It's raining! MY HAIR WILL GET WET!" I sobbed keenly. Suddenly… Draco Malfoy looked horrified!

He ran away and was back in a second. "Here!" He whimpered. "I will protect you, my beautiful sexy Ebony!" He was in a flying car. I smiled and walked in after frenching him passively.

I started to sing loudly to thank him as we drove to school. Some preps looked at us with jealousy in their ugly eyes so I put up my middle finger at them. When we got into the doors we ran out of the car and into the line of fucking little people.

Professor McGoogle was standing in front of the line reading names. She read Draco's name and he walked slowly up to the front after kissing me. "You despicable snob!" McGognall yelled angrily. He put on the hat.

"SLYTHREN!" It yelled. I laughed evilly when he sat down on the floor on the table. Slytherin was the only non-prep house.

Then the old lady screamed….. "Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way!1111"

…..I gasped.

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Chapter Five: Chapter Five

When I gallped to the front of the room everybody stared at me. "Fucking Satan Lovers!" I screamed and put up my middle finger at them. They gasped angrily and started masticating. "Fucking pervs!" I yelled SEXILY. I covered my face in an Amy Lee towel and put on the ugly hat.

"Hmmmmmm." It said. "This is most unusual."

I gasped."That cannot be," I muttered crisply. "There shall be a change if it is so."

It gasped. "Yes. Your brain is a wonderful thing. I want to do you."

"FUCKING PERV!" I yelled. I slit my wrists while humming a song sadly. It smiled.

"Very well, then. SLYTHROON!"

I walked to my seat and sat. Draco then kissed me while singing like My Chemical Romance. I smiled and origami. Then I started to cry tears of blood while making out with it.

"You horny simpletons!" The old perv Dumbledron screeched.

….All the fucking preps gasped.

2 BE CONTNUED…. but unly ifz i get Five god reviws, 'offcurs!111111

Ebony/Enoby/Eboby etc. had arrived and the occupants of Hogwarts, both new and old, began to fall under her curse. Hogwarts had fallen to the will of a mighty, terrible rival. It would never be the same again.

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Actually… no. I'd really rather not continue this monstrosity. The world has enough of Ebony as it is, methinks.

I believe I've lost about ninety percent of whatever brain cells I had. Please review, out of pity if nothing else.