Middle-earth and The Quest for the Holy Truth, and possibly some Silmarils.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, Tolkien and Monty Python own characters and script. I also beg to point that an invasion of elves made me do it! They did, they really did!
SCENE 1
Beren and Luthien arrive at Angband.
[Opening music]
[Wind]
[Clop, clop]
Beren: Whoa there!
[clop, clop, clop]
Orc#1: Halt, who goes there!
Beren: It is I, Beren son of Barahir, and I am here to take one of your master's Silmarils back to King Thingol
Orc#1: Pull the other one!
Beren: I am, and this Luthien, Thingol's daughter. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land searching for the way into this land. Let us in, so Luthien may enchant you all
Orc#1: What, ridden on a horse?
Beren: Yes!
Orc#1:You're using coconuts!
Beren: What!
Orc#1: You're using coconuts!
Beren: What?
Orc#1:You've got two empty halves of coconuts and you're bangin' 'em together
Beren: So? We have ridden since the snow of winter covered this land, from the kingdom of Doriath..
Orc#1Where'd you get the coconuts?
Beren: We found them
Orc#1: Found them! In Doriath? The coconut's tropical!
Beren: What do you mean?
Orc#1: Well, this is a temperate zone.
Beren: The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin or the plover seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land.
Orc#1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
Beren: Not at all, they could be carried.
Orc#1: What, a swallow carrying a coconut?
Beren: It could grip it by the husk.
Orc#1: It's not a question of where he grips it; it's a question of weight ratios. A five-ounce bird could not carry a one-pound coconut!
Beren: Well, it doesn't matter, could you please tell your master Beren and Luthien are here?
Orc#1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat it's wings forty three times every second, right?
Beren: Please!
Orc#1: Am I right?
Beren: I'm not interested!
Orc#2: It could be carried by an African swallow.
Orc#1: Yeah, an African swallow, maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point.
Orc#2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that.
Beren: Will you ask your master if he will give us one of the Silmarils?
Orc#1: But then of course, African swallows are non-migratory.
Orc#2: Oh, yeah.
Orc#1: So they couldn't bring back a coconut anyway.
[clop, clop, clop]
Orc#2: Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together?
Orc#1: No, they'd have to have it on a line.
Orc#2: Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper.
Orc#1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
Orc#2: Well, why not?
SCENE 2
As well all know, nothing rots in Valinor, including the dead. So, recently it was speculated that the bodies of elves that die of accidents etc must be put somewhere. A storehouse in the Halls of Mandos was decided to be the most feasible answer, and then of course there's the little matter of who picks up the bodies… Feanor!! Yes, fresh out of Valinor, but still being punished.
[Thud]
[Clang]
Feanor: Bring out your dead!
[Clang!]
Bring out your dead!
[Clang]
Bring out your dead!
[Clang]
Bring out your dead!
[Clang]
Bring out your dead!
[Cough, cough]
[Clang]
[Cough, cough]
Bring out your dead!
[Clang]
Bring out your dead! Ninepence
[Clang]
Bring out your dead!
[Clang]
Customer: Here's one
Feanor: Ninepence
Dead elf: I'm not dead
Feanor: What!
Customer: Nothing, here's your ninepence.
Dead elf: I'm not dead
Feanor: Here, he says he's not dead.
Customer: Yes, he is.
Dead elf: I'm not
Feanor: He isn't?
Customer: Well, he will be soon. He's badly injured.
Dead elf: I'm getting better!
Customer: Oh no you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment.
Feanor: I can't take him like that, it's against regulations!
Dead elf: I don't want to go to Mandos.
Customer: Oh, don't be such a baby.
Feanor: I can't take him.
Dead elf: I feel fine.
Customer: Well, do us a favour
Feanor: I can't
Customer: Well, can you hang around for a couple of minutes? He won't be long.
Feanor: No, I've got to go to Alqualonde, apparently there's a lot of bodies there.
Customer: When's your next round?
Feanor: Thursday.
Dead elf: I think I'll go for a walk.
Customer: You're not fooling anyone, you know. Look, isn't there something you can do?
Dead elf: [singing] I feel happy, I feel happy
[Whomp]
Customer: Thanks very much
Feanor: Not at all, see you Thursday.
[Howl]
[Clop, clop]
Customer: Who's that, then
Feanor: Dunno. Must be a Valar.
Customer: Why?
Feanor: He hasn't got shit all over him.
SCENE 3
Morgoth and Feanor meet for the first time, in Valinor, after Morgoth's term of imprisonment ends.
Morgoth: Boy
Feanor: Man!
Morgoth: Man, sorry. Who lives in that Castle over there?
Feanor: I'm a hundred and thirty seven years old.
Morgoth: What?
Feanor: I'm a hundred and thirty seven years old, I'm no boy.
Morgoth: Well, I can't just say, Hey elf!
Feanor: Well, you could say Feanor.
Morgoth: Well, I didn't know you were called Feanor.
Feanor: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
Morgoth: I did say sorry about the boy, but from behind..
Feanor: What I object to is that you automatically treat me as an inferior!
Morgoth: I am a Vala.
Feanor: A Vala, eh very nice. How did you get that, eh? By exploiting the elves, by ripping us from Middle-earth, our home! If there's ever going to be any progress, we have to back to Middle-earth..
Nerdanel: Feanor, there's some lovely gem stones down here..Oh! How do you do?
Morgoth: How do you do, good lady, I'm Morgoth, a Vala. Whose castle is that?
Nerdanel: A what?
Morgoth: A Vala
Nerdanel: I thought that was taken off you.
Morgoth: No, no, I am a Vala and you will obey me!
Nerdanel: I still think it was taken off you.
Feanor: You're fooling yourself. Manwe's forgiven him
Nerdanel: There you go, bringing the Valar into it again
Feanor: That's what it's all about. If people would only listen to me..
Morgoth: Please, please, good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?
Nerdanel: No one lives there.
Morgoth: Then what Vala rules this area?
Nerdanel: None.
Morgoth: What!
Feanor: I told you, my sons and I take turns to rule for a week.
Morgoth: Yes
Feanor: But all the appointed person's decisions have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting..
Morgoth; I see
Feanor: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs
Morgoth: Be Quiet!
Feanor: But by two-thirds in the case of more major..
Morgoth: Be quiet, I order you to be quiet!
Nerdanel: Order, eh. Who does he think he is?
Morgoth: I am a Vala!
Nerdanel: I didn't vote for you
Morgoth: You don't vote for Valar.
Nerdanel: Well, how'd you become one then
Morgoth: Eru, in his wisdom,
[Maia sing]
Made the Valar to be his companions. Then, when Arda was made, some of us chose to descend to Arda, to rule and govern it in Eru's name. That is why I am a Vala!
[Maia stop singing]
Feanor: Listen, decisions made by unseen entities is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power should be in the hands of the elves, not someone who says, 'But Eru said I could!'
Morgoth: Be quiet!
Feanor: You can't expect to rule us because Eru said so!
Morgoth: Shut up!
Feanor:I mean, if I went around saying I'm a Vala, do as I say cos some strange entity whose existence we have no proof of said so, they'd put me away!
Morgoth: Shut up! Will you just shut up!
Feanor: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
Morgoth: Shut up!
Feanor: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system. Help, help, I'm being repressed!
Morgoth: Bloody elf
Feanor: Oh, what a give away! Did you hear that? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw him repressing me, didn't you?
SCENE 4
High King Fingolfin challenges Morgoth to single combat! After the War of Wrath, reimbodied Fingolfin isn't so easily defeated the second time.
[Clop, clop, clop]
Fingolfin: I have come to challenge you to single combat, Morgoth, Foe of all free peoples.
[Pause]
Shall I just ride by and sack Angband then?
[Pause]
Kill all your Orcs?
[Pause]
Slay all your Balrogs?
[Pause]
Fingolfin: You make me sad. So be it, come Argon.
Morgoth: None shall pass.
Fingolfin: What?
Morgoth: None shall pass.
Fingolfin: Fight me then.
Morgoth: Then you shall die.
Fingolfin: so be it
Fingolfin and Morgoth: Arrggh! Hiyahh! Clang, etc.
[Fingolfin chops Morgoth's arm off]
Fingolfin: Now I have defeated you, Morgoth!
Morgoth: Tis but a scratch.
Fingolfin: A scratch? Your arm's off!
Morgoth: No, it isn't.
Fingolfin: Well, what's that then?
Morgoth: I've had worse.
Fingolfin: You liar!
Morgoth: Come on, you pansy!
[Sounds of fighting follow]
[Fingolfin chops Morgoth's other arm off]
Fingolfin: Victory is mine!
[Kneels] I thank you Eru, for assisting me to defeat..
Morgoth: Huh!
[Kick]
Come on then!
Fingolfin: What?
Morgoth: Have at you!
[Kick]
Fingolfin: You are indeed a worthy opponent, Morgoth, but the fight is mine.
Morgoth: oh, had enough, eh?
Fingolfin: look you stupid bastard; you've got no arms left!
Morgoth: Yes I have.
Fingolfin: Look
Morgoth: Just a flesh wound.
[Kick]
Fingolfin: Look, stop that.
Morgoth: Chicken
{Kicks}
Chicken!!
Fingolfin: Look, I'll have your leg.
[Chop]
[Fingolfin chops off Morgoth's leg]
Morgoth: Right, I'll do you for that!
Fingolfin: You'll what!
Morgoth: come here.
Fingolfin: What are you going to do, bleed on me?
Morgoth: I'm invincible!
Fingolfin: You're a loony!
Morgoth: The Black Foe always triumphs! Come on! Have at you!
[Tries to kick Fingolfin]
[Fingolfin chops Morgoth's other leg off]
Morgoth: Oh, all right, we'll call it a draw!
Fingolfin: Come, Argon!
Morgoth; Oh, I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastards, come back and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off!
SCENE 5
We've all read the way Finrod was supposed to have met Mortals in The Silmarillion, and how they came to call him Nom, Wisdom. I'm telling you it's all lies…
Crowd: An Orc, an Orc, we've found an Orc! An Orc, an Orc, we've got an Orc. Burn her, burn her, we've found an Orc, an Orc! We've found an Orc!
Mortal#1: We've found an Orc. May we burn her?
Crowd: Burn her, burn her, burn her!!
Beor: How do you know she is an Orc?
Mortal#2: She looks one!
Crowd: Yeah, right, right.
Beor: Bring her forward.
Orc: I'm not an Orc; I'm not an Orc!
Beor: Uh, but you are dressed as one.
Orc: They dressed me up like this
Crowd: Augh, we didn't, we didn't.
Orc: And these aren't my teeth, they're false ones.
Beor: Well?
Mortal#1: Well, we did do the teeth.
Beor: The teeth?
Mortal#1: And the hair, but she is an Orc.
Mortal#2: Yeah.
Crowd: We burn her, right? Yeaah! Yeaah!
Beor: Did you dress her up like this?
Mortal#1: No
Mortals # 2 & 3: No! No!
Mortal#2: No!
Mortal#1: No!
Mortals# 2 & 3: No!
Mortal#1: Yes.
Mortal#2: Yes
Mortal#1 Yes. Yeah, a bit
Mortal#3: A bit.
Mortals#1 & 2: A bit.
Mortal#1: She has got a wart.
Beor: What makes you think she is an Orc?
Mortal#3: Well, she killed me.
Beor: She killed you?
Mortal#3: I got better.
Mortal#2: Burn her anyway
Mortal#1: Burn her!
Crowd: Burn her, burn her.
Beor: Quiet, Quiet, Quiet. There are ways of telling if she is an Orc.
Mortal#1: Are there?
Mortal#2: There are!
Mortal#1: What are they?
Crowd: Tell us, Tell us!
Beor: Tell me. What do you do with Orcs?
Mortal#2: Burn!
Mortal#1: Burn!
Crowd: Burn. Burn them up! Burn.
Beor: And what do you burn apart from orcs?
Mortal#3: More orcs.
Mortal#2: Sshh.
Mortal#1: Wood.
Beor: So why do orcs burn?
Mortal#3: B..Because they're made of …wood?
Beor: Good
Crowd: Oh, yeah!
Beor: So how do we know if she is make of wood?
Mortal#1: Build a bridge out of her!
Beor: Ah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone?
Mortal#1: Oh, yeah!
Mortal#3: yeah, true.
Beor: Does wood sink in water?
Mortal#1: No, No.
Mortal#2: No, it floats. It floats.
Mortal#1: Throw her in the pond!
Crowd: The pond. Throw her in the pond!
Beor: What also floats in water.
Mortal#1: Bread
Mortal#2: Apples
Mortal#3: Cider
Mortal#1:very small rocks
Mortal#2:Gravy
Mortal#3: Cherries
Mortal#1: Mud
Mortal#2: Houses, Houses!
Mortal#3: Lead, Lead!
Finrod: A duck!!
Crowd: Oohh!
Beor: Exactly, so logically…
Mortal#1: If she… weighs the same as a duck… she's made of wood..
Beor: And therefore
Mortal #1: An orc
Mortal#2: An orc.
Crowd: An Orc! An Orc!
Mortal#4: Here is a duck. Use this duck!
Beor: Very good. We shall use my largest scales!
Crowd: Ohh! Ohh! Burn her, Burn her, Burn the Orc. Burn her, burn her, burn her!
Beor: Right. Remove the supports!
Crowd: An Orc, an Orc, an Orc!!
Orc: It's a fair cop.
Mortal#3; Burn her!!
Crowd: Burn her, burn her, burn her!!
Beor: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?
Finrod: I am Finrod, King of Nargothrond.
Beor: My lord
Finrod: Good Mortal, will you come with me to Nargothrond?
Beor: My lord. I would be honoured.
Finrod: What is your name.
Beor: Beor, my lord.
Finrod: Then I dub you, Beor, leader of the First House of the Edain
OK, for now, this is where I will leave the true story of Middle-earth, and continue shortly. Thanks to the Silmfics list and Andreth especially for encouraging me.