The
sun is setting somewhere, lost behind the thick veil of
fog.
Grey.
Everything is grey. The sky is choked with
clouds and the city reflects the dull color sorrowfully, as though
the world itself weeps for him. Everything is dismal, empty, staring
out like the desolate, ashen remains of something that was once full
of life.
Like him.
His eyes stare back at me, almost
lifelike, and I trace the cold features of his face. So like him, and
yet not. My hands are shaking. I can't make them stop.
The
cold stone glares back at me through the haze of hot tears. If you
lie here lifeless, then why do I feel like I'm the one who died? Why
did you leave me here?
Without hope.
Someone gently
moves to pull me away. No! Don't make me move. Don't you understand?
He was my hope. Is this the doom I have accepted, to fade into
nothingness, erased by the never-ending tides of time? To suffer
knowing I shall never hear his laugh again?
I trace the lines
of my dress. It's black, and I feel invisible, lost in the shadows of
grief. Everything just feels so wrong without him. I miss you,
Aragorn. My fingers grip the velvety fabric in a death
grip.
Black.
Such and appropriate color for death. It
is hopeless, having no light or brightness. It is like the shadows of
despair, like the night in the frozen winter that comes without a
star to bring warmth.
Burning tears thread their ways down my
face. I do not cry alone, but in my anguish is found more sorrow then
is their ability to understand. Bittersweet pain, grief is called by
some, but my eyes seek joy in its smallest form and find none. There
is nothing without him.
I had not yet tired of my days,
dwelling within this place that was always my home because you were
here. You were my home. Now, every moment is filled with pain so
numbing and so sharp it rips my soul to more pieces then I had ever
imagined possible.
The wind is cold. It whips through this
place with no mercy, keen and biting. It stings the rivers of tears
that fall down my face, but perhaps I welcome the pain, for it makes
the hurting inside seem less, though only a bit, only for a
moment.
This world is empty without you. My kin have departed
from these forsaken lands. They have sought the shores beyond the
Sea, and their light and laughter shall never again be seen or heard
in the forests, or their voices raised I song in the valleys of the
north.
But I. I will walk forgotten paths in ancient lands
where nothing but ruins remain of the great cities, and the memories
that lie upon them are lost from the world. I will accept the doom
that I brought upon myself when I first beheld you, though I depart
in despair in sorrow.
Night has fallen, all around and in my
heart, yet here I remain, as though if I do not look away the cold
stone will breathe as though it were you, and speak words of comfort
to me, to tell me there is still hope, yet a carven image does not
draw breath, nor speak any words, not even to calm the fierce storm
of grief.
Something hits my hand and I study the cold drop
lying there before recognition dawns through the fog of my mind. It's
raining. The skies above weep, unleashing their torrents, battering
the stone courtyard. The water runs along the lines of his proud
face.
I'm shaking. Everything is cold. The night has come
without a star. There is no hope. Hot tears stream fiercer, the only
warmth to my cold, numb face. My heart is burning, my throat aches
with unvoiced sobs.
Frozen.
The world is frozen, lost
in the cold, vicious pain. My legs feel so weak, I can't hold on
anymore. I slip to the ground, knees colliding with the hard,
unforgiving floor, but the sharp darts and little compared to the
ache inside. The rain is icy, pounding me harshly, stinging in the
biting winds.
"Estel."
The parched, broken
voice can't be my own. I weep, praying for something, I don't know
quite what. I would give the world to hear your voice again. Maybe I
just want to die. Would it really be that hard to leave the stifling
grief?
"Arwen!"
The voice came ringing
through the torrents, clear and bright, but I don't remember who it
is that calls me. It's so familiar, but all thoughts seem lost in
this numbing, wrenching pain.
Someone grabs my arm and pulls
me to my feet. I don't want to stand. I just want to die. A hand
grips my chin gently and I open my eyes to find a blue, piercing gaze
that is filled with care and pity. Something about them is haunting,
and a pain lies in their fathomless depths. I pull away from the
grasp and nearly fall, but am caught and held securely.
"No."
I mumble, trying to get away. I don't want to leave. I don't want to
be alone. I kick feebily, but I have no strength, and the ground
vanishes from beneath me as I am scooped up into strong arms. A name
comes darting into my thoughts. "No.Legolas."
He
says nothing, for there is nothing to say. He can see it, the despair
in my eyes. I bury my face in his shoulder, shivering violently,
sobbing into his soft tunic. I can feel him tense beneath me,
fighting his own pain.
"Aragorn." I say his name,
over and over, crying brokenly, "Estel."
There is no
hope without him.
