Disclaimer: I own NOTHING. That's right. Not a damn thing.
A/N: This is an AU. And..(dramatic pause) a CRACK FIC! So be prepared for uber-craziness. This title is thanks to my best friend and other half, (the black half) Rynn. Warnings include the following: Kyotaru (nothing explicit…as in penetration of the booty to be quite frank) drugs, alcohol, mentions of Kotaro/Sasuke, Yukimura's pedo-tendencies, OOC galore, Kyo talking, language, Tora in a bright pink apron, That Time Of The Month, Bon getting beaten to a pulp, Anna, Anthony's anger, Sasuke stabbing people, and some other stuff I'm not gonna bother mentioning. I'm kinda lazy that way. Anywho, even though this is a rather long one (my longest oneshot) it's funny as hell. And there are NO OC's. Another first for me. So be prepared for silliness, and randomness. An Hotaru's bare, pale ass. And now, back to out scheduled programming!
Of pancakes and REAL butter
Crimson eyes slowly open. The occupant of the bed rolls over onto this back and squints, the noon day sunlight flooding in through the open curtains and hurting his eyes.
With a grunt, Kyo props himself up on this elbows and glances at the other occupant of the bed, who must have subconsciously draped a pale leg over the crimson eyed teens waist.
Kyo raises an eyebrow, "Oi..." His blond companion merely burrows deeper into the warm covers, hooking his leg around Kyo's hips more firmly.
The crimson eyed teen frowns in annoyance, reaches over and pokes the blond in his shoulder, "Hotaru, wake your ass up," he calls impatiently.
Hotaru's brows crinkle into a frown, and he groans, "No…Shinrei, you jerk, don't eat that wasabi..." he mutters.
Kyo's eyebrow twitches, and he scowls, "That's it." He leans over, unhooks Hotaru's leg from his hip, and with a triumphant smirk, pushes the blond off the bed.
Hotaru lands with a loud, painful thump.
A moment of silence passes.
"Ouch. What was that for?" inquires Hotaru sourly, sitting up on his knees and shooting his bedmate a glare.
Kyo peers down at him, "Why are you still here?" he counters.
"My ass hurts," Hotaru coolly replies.
"That's not my problem," Kyo says, "But the longer you're here, the longer Shinrei rants about your being m.i.a half the time…and then he'll call and bitch. His bullshit is really annoying," he continues, eyes narrowed.
"You should be used to it by now," Hotaru replies, "I always sneak in here, and then the next morning he calls and you get all pissed off and take your anger out on me."
Kyo snorts, swings his legs over the edge of the bed and stares down at the blond, "You sound like you don't enjoy it."
Instead of a verbal response, a loud snore erupts from the blonds open mouth, a strand of drool dribbles down his chin.
The crimson eyed teen rolls his eyes and stands, eyeing the blond while retrieving a pair of crumpled black boxers from off the floor. He steps into them, hikes them up his hips and walks over to the brown dresser drawer and opens the top one.
A high pitched shriek pierces the air, followed by a loud thump and another shout, "BENITORA, GET THE HELL OUT!"
Kyo shakes his head, barely concealed amusement dancing in his eyes, "Guess Tora's already started his daily greeting to that dogface," he murmurs to himself, pulling a gray t-shirt over his head.
He strolls to the door, (not forgetting to kick his blond companion in the head) and opens it, met with the sight of a rusty-brown haired teen sprawled on his back on the floor of the hallway, half a dozen swelling lumps on the top of his skull proof of his defeat.
The teen slowly cranes his neck to the side, bruised and battered face turning toward Kyo,
"Oh Kyo-han, you're awake," he comments dazedly.
Kyo raises a fine dark eyebrow, "I don't understand why you insist on peeping on that ugly-chick. There's not much to see, and what you can see ain't worth looking at," he states.
A round of bangs rattle against the door on the opposite side of the hall.
"Kyo you asshole! Stop talking about me like that!" screams a female voice from inside the room, which, consequently, was the bathroom.
"I was just making sure he knows what he's getting into," Kyo replies, and with that, the crimson eyed teen steps on Tora's chest in order to cross into the hall, and continues on his way toward the front of the house.
Tora gasps, trying to catch his breath after the assault on his chest, and coughs once, wheezing in agony, "K-Kyo-han, that was cruel," his head lulls to the side dramatically, tongue hanging out of the corner of his mouth.
Angry grumbling from the inside of the bathroom follows the squinty eyed teens rasps of pain as he struggles to sit up.
"Yuya-han, I think I'm dying..." Whines Tora, grasping his chest with a pained expression, even though he knew the object of his affection couldn't see it.
"Good," Yuya calmly replies.
Tora frowns, "Quick, come give me the kiss of life, mouth to mouth, or I'll surely die!" he exclaims, flailing his limbs about in what he assumed was a death seizure. Or something to that affect.
"Tell the devil I said hi, and to hurry and take Kyo to hell with you," the girl coolly states.
"Yuya-han, you're so cold!" the squinty eyed teen wails, tears of depression dribbling down his cheeks, "But I still love you!"
"I have to be honest with you for a moment Benitora," Yuya's voice carries breathlessly into the hall.
Quick as lightening, Tora jumps to his feet and scrambles to the door, sits on his knees and cups his ear to the wooden door,
"W-What is it my love? You know you can tell me anything!" he says hurriedly.
'Could it possibly be…a confession of her love?! Finally?!' the teen thinks to himself.
A pause, Tora waits in excited suspense.
"I'm really uncomfortable with you talking to me while I'm sitting on the toilet," Yuya states solemnly.
Tora falls backwards in defeat with a thump.
"That, and I hate you," the girl continues, causing the squinty eyed teen to cry out in despair.
Caught up in his hysterics, Tora doesn't notice a pair of blue bunny rabbit slippered feet approach, until one of them gracefully reaches over and pokes him in the stomach.
Tora squirms, and looks up, staring into the amused blue eyes of the oldest resident of their house.
The squinty eyed teen sniffles, wiping at the gobs of snot hanging from his nostrils with the back of his hand, "Yukimura-han? You're awake?" He blinks once in surprise, "and you're not drunk?"
The raven haired teen chuckles, "Oh Tora-san, you make it sound as if I'm some kind of alcoholic or something," he chirps.
Tora shifts his gaze to the left, away from Yukimura, "Yeah…why would I ever bring up such a…blatant…lie?" he slowly states.
Yukimura shrugs, and from seemingly nowhere, pulls out a beer bottle, "I have no idea Tora-san. Maybe it has to do with Yuya-chan rejecting you yet again?" he suggests.
The squinty eyed teen immediately tucks himself into the fetal position and sits in some random corner, a gloomy storm cloud hanging above his head.
"There, there, you just need to give her some time, and maybe work on your hygiene. Yuya-chan's a smart girl, I'm sure she'll come around," Yukimura states soothingly, idly sipping from the beer bottle.
A small ray of sunlight shines down on Tora, breaking through his cloud of despair, "You really think so?"
The raven haired teen nods enthusiastically, tossing strands of dark hair over his shoulder, "Maybe," he replies, and beams encouragingly.
And that was enough.
Tora rises to his feet and puffs his chest out in some sort of manly gesture, "Then I'll go make Yuya-han a breakfast to rival all, to express my masculine feelings of love for her!" he declares, and with that, dashes off to the kitchen.
Yukimura smiles softly, "Good luck with that, Tora-san."
The soft patter of bare feet against the wooden floor alert the raven haired teen to a new approaching housemate.
"Did the idiot make a pass at Nee-chan again?" questions a short, silver haired boy, rubbing the sleep from his wide, cat like eyes.
"He made many passes, as always. And as always, he failed. You should know that already Sasuke," Yukimura replies, raising the bottle to his lips again, "Yuya-chan one hundred and eight, Tora-san, zero," he states. He frowns in disappointment and tips the bottle upside down, "Aww, it's all gone already?"
Sasuke rolls his eyes, "It's noon, and you're already drinking. Don't you have a project for class to do or something?" he asks.
Yukimura grins and brings his hand down to ruffle the boys hair, "When you get into college, you can post-pone projects until the last minute all the time, and you'll still be ok!" he cheerfully explains, "But you'll learn about that when you're my age!"
Sasuke slaps his hand away and glares at the teen, "Quit doing that you weirdo," he snaps, attempting to tame his messy silver locks.
The raven haired teens cheerful expression suddenly deflates, "Sasuke…" he begins to say, eyes shimmering with tears. Or it could have been the light.
"You love when I mess with you, and you know it!" he continues, beaming once more.
Sasuke gives Yukimura a blank look, then abruptly swivels around and goes back down the hall.
"Sasuke, don't walk away from me!" Yukimura calls after the boy, following him, "It's ok if you don't want to admit it."
Sasuke takes off in a sprint, not looking back, as the older male quickly starts to gain on him with those longer legs of his, calling,
"Sasuke! Come back!"
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Kyo calmly sits at the table, a steaming mug of coffee to his left, newspaper in hand. The crimson eyed teen was pointedly ignoring the cheerful Benitora at the stove, flipping pancakes.
This, if nothing else, was a horrifying and disturbing sight. Not because the squinty eyed teen was actually making pancakes, whistling a happy tune with a shit-eating grin on his face. No, no it was because of the abomination tied around his waist; a bright pink, frilly apron with four cute little yellow duckies playing in a pond.
I, the authoress, could say it belonged to Yuya-chan, but I'd be lying. And lying is bad kids. Well, only if you get caught.
"It's Yukimura's," states Kyo, looking straight ahead at the attentive audience (yes, you).
"I suppose it's only natural for a flamboyant idiot like him to buy a piece of shit like that," he adds, "and the only thing he's good for is booze, really."
"Kyo-han are you talking to me?" asks Tora, looking up from the skillet with confusion etched on his face.
"No squinty, I wasn't talking to you," the crimson eyed teen replies boredly, reaching over to grab his coffee mug by the handle and raising it to his lips, the moment shattered.
"Then who are you talking to? There's no one else here," the squinty eyed teen points out, "And don't call me squinty! You know it's not my fault I was born this way!" he snaps as an afterthought.
Yukimura gracefully enters the kitchen, raven hair blowing dramatically in the wind (Not natural wind mind you, to the left of the table, on an oak desk, sat a large electric fan, blowing cool air into the humid kitchen. Though Yukimura insists on having it on all the time, for his image). The suns rays highlight the canteen in his hand, as if it were a holy object.
"Good morning my cute housemates!" the raven haired teen greets them, blue eyes scanning for the reactions of the other two males.
Kyo merely ignores him, while Tora stares in slight alarm.
"Aren't we cheerful today?" Yukimura teases. (Aren't we drunk today, eh Yuki?) He swiftly snatches Kyo's coffee mug from its spot on the table (without spilling a single drop, mind you) and takes a sip.
Only to recoil, nose wrinkled in disgust, "Ugh, I never thought I'd see the day when Kyo-san would drink coffee without that extra special ingredient," he comments, setting the cup back down.
Kyo glances over at him, mild amusement shimmering in his eyes, "Usually you're here before me, and you sneak more than just a special ingredient in my drink," he replies.
Yukimura chuckles, uncaps the canteen and pours half it's content into Kyo's cup, "I don't know what you could possibly be referring to, Kyo-san," he innocently replies, watching the two substances mingle together in the cup.
Suddenly, Tora settles a plate stacked with numerous pancakes at one of the empty places on the table, and gazes expectantly toward the hallways' entrance.
"Ne Yukimura-han, have you seem Yuya-han?" he asks.
The raven haired teen shakes his head and walks over to the cabinet to the far left of the kitchen, retrieving his own mug, "Well, I didn't see her so much as heard you and her discussing some things in the bathroom," he replies.
"She's still in the bathroom," a new voice states in monotone.
Three pairs of eyes stare at the new arrival, Hotaru, who had seated himself where the pancakes were. He held a fork in once hand, and a knife in the other, his usually blank eyes staring down at the pancakes as if he were the lion, and the pancakes were the antelope. Or whatever the hell it is Lions eat.
"H-Hotaru-han don't sneak up on us like that!" Tora scolds, voice rising in octave, "and those pancakes are for Yuya-han, not for you!" he adds, fingers reaching forward for the plate.
The blond jabs the knife into the table, a mere inch away from Tora's precious fingers,
"Finders keeps," Hotaru states.
Yukimura laughs, upon seeing Tora's face pale in fright,
"Once again, you're great for this kind of fun, Hotaru-san," he praises.
His eyes shift rudely down the blonds frame, and he observes, "Speaking of fun, it looks as if you and Kyo-san had some fun last night."
Hotaru was dressed (if you could call it that) in a long sleeved white t-shirt that was at least three sizes too big on him. The shirt hung off his shoulders, exposing numerous reddened bite marks around littering his shoulders, leaping across his collar bone and traveling up his pale throat.
The blond blinks in puzzlement, "Yeah I guess it was fun…but Kyo got mad and punished me 'cause I was too loud," he replies, "well…that's what he said. I didn't think I was that loud."
"You were loud," Sasuke deadpans as he enters the kitchen, "I could hear you even when I went outside on the neighbors' lawn to sleep," he continues, taking a seat beside Hotaru. The middle school student spears three pancakes with a fork and sets them on his empty plate (which appeared out of nowhere…to the untrained eye. This is a ninja so…yeah) and requests, "Pass the syrup."
Tora huffs, (finally recovered from nearly loosing his fingers) and stamps his foot, "You guys! Those are for Yuya-han! Stop eating them!" he whines childishly, knowing better than to actually try to take the pancakes away again.
Hotaru shrugs, and passes the syrup to Sasuke, "It's not like she can enjoy them now while she's in the bathroom. Besides, by the time she gets out, they'll be cold," he reasons.
"No sense in wasting food," agrees Yukimura from his seat across from Sasuke, "Now Sasuke, why didn't you tell me Kyo-san and Hotaru-san were being too loud? I could have gone in there and told them to quiet down," he says, using a mild scolding tone on the middle school student.
Sasuke scoffs, "You would have probably joined in on it," he states.
Yukimura takes on an offended expression, "You know your well-being well outweighs any pleasure I would request to join in on," he says solemnly, placing a hand against his chest where his heart would be. Er, where his heart is.
Sasuke rolls his eyes, "Whatever you say, Yukimura," he replies, unconvinced.
The raven haired teen wraps his arms around the boy in a heart-wrenching embrace, "You doubt me?" he asks, lowering his voice to a soft, husky whisper, "Sasuke, I care for you so much more than a threesome in this house," he says gently.
Sasuke noticeably stiffens in the hug as he feels Yukimura rub his back in a soothing gesture, while nuzzling his chin on the top of the boys' head.
"Yukimura, I'm giving you two seconds to let go of me before I impale you in the lung with my fork," the boy states, in all seriousness.
"Oh, I know you wouldn't do that to me Sasuke," Yukimura coos, "Wanna know why?" he asks cheerfully.
The raven haired teen ignores Sasuke's muffled refusal, and Kyo's blunt, "No one gives a shit Yukimura, shut up."
"It's because, deep down, you're in love with me," Yukimura continues.
Sasuke thrusts his fork toward the raven haired teens unprotected back.
Yukimura chuckles, and grabs the teens wrist before the sharpened end of the utensil pierces his back, "It's ok to be in denial Sasuke," he says gently, "I can wait for you. But not forever. By the time you're sixteen, I'll be able to drink legally."
He releases his hold of the middle school student and snatches a pancake off his plate. Sasuke scowls in irritation and stuffs a pancake sullenly in his mouth, chewing savagely.
"You've never let that stop you before," Kyo points out, briefly glancing at the raven haired teen over his newspaper.
Tora paces impatiently across the wooden floorboards of the kitchen, "What's taking Yuya-han so long?!" he whines, fisting strands of his short cropped hair, "The suspense is killing me!" he frantically glances at the doorway, then back to the digital clock above the stove.
"Maybe someone should go check on her?" Suggests Yukimura, taking the syrup and uncapping the lid, the sticky liquid oozing out and flooding his plate, where his single pancake rests (stolen from Sasuke).
The squinty eyed teen nods in agreement, "That's a good idea, I dunno why I didn't think of that before!" he exclaims.
"Cause you're stupid," Hotaru states, between bites of his last remaining pancake, blank eyes regarding the other teen solemnly.
"I really don't want to hear that coming from you of all people!" Tora snaps, hurriedly untying the apron around his waist. He balls it together and tosses the frilly pink abomination at the blond, abruptly walking off into the dimly lit hall.
"I think I'm blind," Hotaru's muffled mumble comes from beneath the apron, where it had landed on his face.
A pause as the blonds head swivels to the side, "….Or my vision has gone pink for some reason. Maybe it's these pancakes?" he suggests, a twinge of thoughtfulness ringing in his tone.
Kyo rolls his eyes and tugs the apron off of Hotaru.
The blond blinks, and glances around appreciatively, "I can see. It's a miracle."
"No, the miracle is the fact that you've lived this long without getting yourself killed….or raped," Sasuke states.
Yukimura gasps in shock "Sasuke", as if surprised by what the middle school student said, "You already ate all your pancakes…and didn't share with me?" he says slowly.
Sasuke stares at him blankly, "You already stole one from me when you thought I wasn't looking."
"Stole sounds so vulgar," Says Yukimura, "Let's call it borrowing!"
Sasuke sighs, simultaneously crossing his arms over his chest, "Tell me this Yukimura… if it's called borrowing, how are you gonna pay me back?" he counters.
The raven haired teen places a finger against his chin thoughtfully, "Hmm…" tapping his finger against his chin in a slow rhythm.
Tora walks into the kitchen, head held high, cheeks a brilliant hue of red. He takes a seat across from Kyo, and slams his head into the table over and over and over again.
Sasuke raises an eyebrow, "Hey stupid-Tora, what's wrong?" he asks.
"Aww, poor Tora-san," Yukimura coos sympathetically, "She rejected you again," he states knowingly.
Tora looks up, claps a hand over his eyes and shakes his head silently.
"No? She didn't reject you again?" questions Sasuke, eyes wide, "That's impossible. It's as routine as Yukimura drinking before noon."
"Like Sasuke not doing his homework, or sand paper and bare ass not going together," pipes up Hotaru, wanting to join in the game.
That last statement produces a silent pause from the other males.
"Like Hotaru not having a brain," adds Kyo with a nod, snapping the others out of it.
"Yeah," agrees Hotaru automatically. A pause, "Wait…"
Tora squirms in his seat, knees knocking together nervously, "No, no she didn't reject me this time." Upon seeing the disbelieving looks of his fellow housemates (plus Hotaru) he raises a hand to stop the oncoming torrent of questions, "but she didn't accept my offer ether."
Hotaru leans forward, resting a hand on Kyo's leg to keep balance, and pokes the squinty eyed teen in the eye, "Well if she didn't do either of those things, then what happened?" he asks curiously. And unknown to him, he was giving the other three males quite the show. (Well Tora isn't really paying attention so...)
Sasuke quickly looks away. At the ceiling, Yukimura's shit-eating grin, his empty, syrup drenched plate. Anywhere but at the blond.
Yukimura giggles in delight, "Looks like Kyo did quite the number on you Hotaru-san," he observes, laughing eyes meeting Kyo's stoic gaze.
"Yuya-han…" Tora began, placing his hands in his lap this time, idly twiddling his thumbs.
"Go on," Hotaru urges, giving Tora an encouraging poke in the eye, producing a pained yelp from the other teen.
"She," Tora continues, rubbing at his eye.
Sasuke rolls his eyes, still refusing to look at Hotaru, "Spit it out already," he impatiently says.
"She's on her period!" Tora shouts loudly, face turning an even deeper shade of red.
A rolled up newspaper abruptly strikes the squinty eyed teen upside the head, its owner shakes his head, "No. Bad servant number two. We don't want to know about that ugly chicks' time of the month," he scolds.
Yukimura nods in understanding, "Oh it makes sense now. That's why she yelled at me for admiring her strawberry panties when the wind blew her skirt up the other day," he states.
"She always yells at you for peeking," Sasuke deadpans, a faint blush spread over his cheeks, the only indication of his reaction to Tora's previous statement.
"Peeking is such a perverted word," Yukimura says, "I call it admiring."
Feeling a bony finger poke him in the ribs, Kyo glances at Hotaru, annoyance flickering in his eyes, "What is it? And no, I will not tell you what a period is, ask dogface," he automatically says.
Hotaru frowns, "Not that. Anna yells and throws stuff for no reason when she's on hers," a pause. The image of the angry, hate-filled woman crossing their minds.
"I thought I was servant number two," the blond continues, tilting his head to the side inquisitively.
Kyo stares back at him, "You're servant number four," he sates.
"Whose number three?" asks Hotaru slowly, "Is it Akari?"
The crimson eyed teen shakes his head, "No, she's number five. Akira is number three."
Hotaru frowns again in response.
"You guys, this is a serious situation we've gotten into!" Tora frantically shouts, leaping to his feet, his usually squinty eyes wide for emphasis of the seriousness of the situation.
"Tora-san calm down, it'll be ok," Yukimura soothingly says.
"Dumbass," Sasuke snorts, "We haven't gotten into any situation," he continues, having moved on from previous embarrassment.
"The brats' right, stop bitching," Kyo says, a statement simple, yet with that cold flare that could only belong to the crimson eyed teen.
"Why does Akira get to be number three?" Hotaru mutters to himself.
"But-But Yuya-han!" Tora protests in a wail.
"But nothing," Kyo snaps, eyebrow twitching in irritation, "Stop worrying, about something you have no business worrying about, idiot."
A comfortable silence follows. Kyo had spoken, and his word was law in the house.
"I hope she hurries up," Hotaru pipes up, lips drawn into a thin line, "I gotta pee," he adds, glancing toward the hall expectantly.
"No one needed to know that," Sasuke sourly replies, folding his arms across his chest once more, and slouching in the padded seat.
Things return back to normal; Kyo reads the paper, Yukimura tries to seduce Sasuke, not bothering with Kyo. For now.
Hotaru rises from his chair suddenly, "I'm gonna go tell her to hurry up," he states, and with that, he limps into the hallway.
Tora's expression was now one of horror, "Was Hotaru-han wearing….any…underwear?" he weakly asks, daring to look in Kyo's direction.
The crimson eyed teens' only response was a self-satisfied curl of his lips into a smirk, and the flipping of the thin pages of the newspaper.
Tora fleetingly gazes at a grinning Yukimura.
"Was that a hand-print bruise I spied on Hotaru-san's upper thigh?" the raven haired teen asks playfully.
Sasuke shakes his head in disbelief, refusing to comment, or think further on that.
"What does that perverted streak of your tell you Yukimura?" Kyo retorts, peering at him from over the top of his newspaper.
Yukimura winks, "I call it my 'funny bone' and it tells me that Hotaru-san looks quite cute in your shirt!" he says.
Tora throws himself into a chair, flinging an arm over his eyes and leaning back in the chair, "I need to quit hanging out with you guys," he mutters.
"There's the door idiot, I'd say it's been fun, but it hasn't," says Sasuke, pointing toward the door.
"DON'T CALL ME AN IDIOT YOU BRAT!" Tora yells, "And besides, I can't leave without saying good-bye to Yuya-han," he continues in a goofy tone.
"You sure you wanna do that? She might rip your head right off your shoulders and play soccer with it," Yukimura innocently pipes up.
"I'll take my chances," Tora proclaims, dramatic music fills the air, "to prove my eternal love for her!"
"In your dreams stupid-Tora," Sasuke says with a snort.
Tora growls in anger, "Why you little"
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Hotaru stands before the bathroom door and knocks,
"Hey Yuna, you've been in there for a long time, and I've gotta pee," he states.
A pause. "My name is YUYA get it RIGHT Hotaru! Aren't you supposed to be gone by now?" the female retorts.
"My butt hurts, so I decided to stay for awhile," the blond replies casually.
Another pause, "I-I don't really need to know about your personal problems," Yuya manages to sputter out.
Hotaru shifts his eight on one foot and knocks twice more, "Hurry up," he urges her.
"Knocking won't make me come out any faster!" Yuya angrily shrieks.
"So what will?" Hotaru asks, blinking in confusion.
Yet another pause, filled with awkward silence for Yuya, and more confusion for Hotaru follows.
"Hotaru the reason I haven't gotten out of the bathroom yet is because…well…I…"
But the blond wasn't paying any attention. His eyes were trained on a gray moth fluttering through the air.
"HOTARU ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?!" Shouts Yuya, a loud thump reverberates against the door as if the girl had thrown something against it.
"No," Hotaru honestly replies, eyes briefly glancing back at the door.
"Look, the only reason I'm still in here is because I'm out of tampons!" Yuya shouts again.
"Oh, well that sucks," Hotaru comments.
A huff echoes from inside the bathroom, "Yeah it does," Yuya grumbles in agreement.
"Cause I really have to pee, and I don't think you guys have another bathroom," he continues, a frown crossing his features.
"I don't care about your personal problems!" Yuya snaps, "I'm more worried about the fact that I'm stuck in here until I can get some tampons!"
"Well what am I supposed to do about it?" Hotaru grumbles, a twinge from his bladder once again reminding him of his need to pee.
"I can't magically pull tampons outta my butt or something," he huffs too, "….that'd be really awkward, not to mention…how would that even work? A mystery." he muses. (It wouldn't.)
"…I honestly don't have a clue as to how I'd respond to that," Yuya mutters, "But anyway, I'd be awful nice of you to go to the store and get me tampons, you know? It'd reward you handsomely," she suggest, tone taking a pleading note.
Hotaru looks down at his bare feet, seemingly in thought, "But that means I'd have to go get dressed…and I still have to pee," he complains.
"You're naked in this house?!" Yuya exclaims, "What the hell is wrong with you?! And you have your own place, GO PEE THERE!"
"I'm not naked, calm down," Hotaru says, "I have a shirt on…anyway, Shinrei is over at Yun-Yun's place, looking for me like he always does," he explains, "and seeing Shinrei doesn't fit into my avoid Shinrei plan."
"Will you or will you not go get tampons?" Yuya wearily asks, definitely not up for Hotaru's antics.
"You're the only one I trust to go," she continues, clearly bullshitting, "Tora's a pigheaded jerk, Kyo would probably laugh at me for ten minutes, then refuse, Sasuke doesn't even know what a period is (Or does he?) and I'm afraid of what Yukimura might do if he ever got his hands on tampons," she says hurriedly, "You are the only one in this house who can do it!" she finishes with a dramatic flair.
"….What do I get in return?" Hotaru prods, having not heard a word of Yuya's ramble.
Yuya sighs, "I'll get you wasabi flavored pocky," she says.
"Okay, I'll go get them," Hotaru replies, and turns around, only to be met face to chest with Kyo.
"And just what did dogface bribe you into doing for her?" the crimson eyed teen asks.
Hotaru cranes his neck up in order to meet Kyo's eyes, and replies, "She ran out of tampons so I said I'd go get her some in exchange for pocky."
Kyo chuckles, "So the dumbass ran out huh? Maybe if she were a more mature, responsible woman, she'd remember to stock up," he comments, tucking the folded newspaper beneath his arm.
"Shut the fuck up Kyo, no one asked for your damn opinion!" Yuya screams, and another thump rattles against the door.
Kyo tsks mockingly, "What an unlady-like thing to say. If I were anyone else, I just might be offended."
Hotaru stares at Kyo wide eyed, "Really? You didn't even get offended when I said your breath smelled like ass after you smoked pot and tried to kiss me," he says in awe.
From inside the bathroom, Yuya giggles with glee,
'HA! Kyo 32158, Yuya 3. Even though that technically counts as Hotaru's,' she thinks to herself, but then shrugs, dismissing it from her mind, 'Oh well. It doesn't matter now.'
Something abruptly slams against the wall, on the left side of the door, by the sound of it.
"When was this?" Kyo dangerously growls.
"I dunno," Hotaru's voice replies, "When's the last time you got that high? Oh yeah, when you and Yukimura," he gets cut off as another thump against the wall sounds, and a mewl of pain, "Ouch."
"Didn't I say no blabbing?" Kyo questions, and a low moan of pleasure follows.
Yuya gawks, but while not daring to abandon her perch on the toilet, she cranes her neck as far as it could naturally stretch, eager to hear what's going on outside.
Countless images assault her mind, Yuya reaches over to the toilet paper dispenser and tears off two squares of paper, gently dabbing at a bleeding nostril.
'No! Yuya don't let these thoughts sway your innocent mind!' Shoulder-Angel Yuya pleads. She was dressed in a long white gown, complete with a golden halo above her head, white wings flapping enthusiastically behind her.
'Oh but Yuya,' sings her other side, the dreaded Shoulder-Devil Yuya, dressed in a red cocktail dress, pointed horns sticking out from her forehead. She jabs her red pitchfork forward for emphasis, 'You remember walking in on them three days ago, right? Kyo's bare back looked awfully good covered in a sheen of glistening sweat, those lean hips rocking against Hotaru's cute pale little ass…' a series of evil cackling laughter fills her head, and Yuya comes to the final conclusion.
"NOOOOO!!! The Shoulder-Devil Yuya is a yaoi fangirl!!!" Yuya screams aloud, face raised toward the heavens, though the ceiling was in the way.
"I think she's hormonal or something," says Hotaru from his position against the wall, Kyo's front pressed against his, "Is this part of her being on her period?" he asks, golden eyes alight with something akin to wonder.
Kyo stares at him, "No, she's just stupid," he replies, pulling his hand from the painful grip he had on Hotaru's hip, and raps his knuckles against the wooden surface of the door, "Oi dogface, having little fantasies? Did you fall in? Guess I should go call the cavalry to come rescue you," he states.
Yuya snaps out of it, "HELL NO! Don't you dare send that disgusting pig in here!" she shouts, but calms herself, "It sounded like…you two were…you know…" she trails off awkwardly.
Kyo smirks, "Oh? It sounded like what? This?" to demonstrate, he grinds his hips against Hotaru, sending the blond into a fit of moaning, throwing his head back against the wall, bucking his hips against Kyo's in an attempt for more friction.
Yuya stares at the door in stunned silence, eyes wide as if she could use X-ray vision to see the males' actions outside.
"Are you guys having sex?!" she exclaims.
"Someone's got a dirty mind," Kyo teases.
"Kyo, quit it, you're gonna make me pee," Hotaru whines, pushing uselessly against the crimson eyed Kyo, trying to move him away.
Kyo growls in frustration and steps away from the blond, "You better hurry up and take care of your pissing problem," he snaps, irritated.
Yuya's head jerks up in alarm, 'You mean he planned to rape Hotaru against the wall the whole time?!'
Hotaru pushes past Kyo, but stops at the door, "Oh yeah," he turns around, striking a clenched fist against his open palm, "I know why she's acting so weird."
Kyo raises an eyebrow quizzically, blank faced.
"She must have sniffed some of Yukimura's stash looking for the tampons under the bathroom sink," the blond continues.
Kyo rolls his eyes, "Shut up and go put some clothes on," he says, shoving the blond toward his door.
Hotaru's lips form a pout, "But that's probably why," he mutters, sourly pushing the door open and half limping inside.
"Kyo, what did he mean by that? What stash?" Yuya insistently questions, a dangerous edge to her voice.
The crimson eyed teen smirks, "Don't worry about it dogface," he nonchalantly replies, crossing his arms over his chest and resting back against the wall.
"I want to know what he ment!" Yuya shouts impatiently.
Kyo chuckles quietly, a smug expression setting on his features, lips curled into a smirk that clearly stated, 'I know something you don't know and I'm not sharing!'
Of course, Yuya couldn't see this. But living with Kyo and the others for two years, she could pretty much see his expression in her minds eye.
The girl grumbles to herself moodily, muttered phrases such as 'perverted asshole,' and 'pigheaded jerk,' only among the many that echoed off the tiles inside the bathroom and through the door.
Kyo's bedroom door pops open, and a fully dressed Hotaru steps out, tightening the black belt around his waist, eyes shifting from his fingers tucking the metal part into the belt hole, to Kyo's smug look.
"Took you long enough," Kyo comments, gaze traveling up and down the blonds' frame.
"I couldn't find my shirt," Hotaru replies, "and then I couldn't remember whether or not I had been wearing underwear when I snuck in," he continues.
"You weren't," Kyo deadpans.
"Will you hurry up and go!" Yuya snaps, temper rising, boiling over into a rage, "This errand is a top priority!"
Hotaru stuffs his hands into two of the many pockets of the orange cargo pants he wore, and then shrugs, as if Yuya could see it, "I don't have any money."
"Well I'm not giving you any money!" Yuya snaps.
Suddenly, a purple happy bunny wallet is shoved under Hotaru's nose. The blond stares, grabs it, and glances over at Kyo, "Wait a minute…this looks like Yuya's wallet," he observes cluelessly.
"It is dogface's wallet," Kyo replies, smirk of triumph widening.
Inside the bathroom, Yuya automatically searches her pant pockets for her wallet after hearing that statement, and freezes.
"Kyo you asshole! Stop taking my wallet without permission! Or just taking my wallet in general! Get a damn job if you want money!" she bellows, her shout nearly shaking the house with its intensity.
Unfazed by the females rage, Hotaru stuffs Yuya's wallet into his back pocket, "She's pissed," he obliviously states.
"Yeah, she is," Kyo replies. He pats the blond on the shoulder, "Well, have fun buying tampons," he says sarcastically.
"You really think you can get away from this unscathed?" Yuya hisses maliciously, an eerie aura seeping through the crack of the door, flooding into the hallway.
"I know I can," Kyo responds, "What, you think you can do something about it?" he challenges.
"You're going with him," Yuya growls, her voice thick with anger.
"No," Kyo automatically refuses.
Hotaru backs away from the bathroom door, peering through the mist of awkward tension.
"What if he looses my wallet?!" Yuya protests frantically.
"Not my problem," Kyo replies evenly.
Yuya opens her mouth to retort, but stops, a red flag going up in her minds eye.
'I know what I have to do,' she thinks, 'new tactic number one now in full swing.'
She calms down, takes a deep breath, and states in a strong voice, "Okay. Don't go with Hotaru."
Outside in the hallway, Kyo raises an eyebrow, that being the only indication of his surprise.
Was it reverse psychology?
Yuya's tone goes from uncaring to teasing in an instant, "I mean, he could get raped, tortured or kidnapped by Shinrei. And I know how you hate having your property touched by other people. This would all be because you wouldn't"
The girl is cut off by a sharp cry of surprise from Hotaru, and rushed footfalls down the hallway,
"We're going," Kyo growls.
At that moment, she and Kyo both knew he was had
'Kyo 32158, Yuya 4.' But not really.
"Kyo, you're not going in just your boxers and a shirt, are you?" Hotaru inquires.
"Of course not dumbass," Kyo retorts, the sound of a door slamming shut thundering through the hall.
'The only thing I need to deal with now is Yukimura's…stash…' Yuya says to herself.
'Under the cabinet?'
Camera shot of the closed bathroom door, and the empty hallway. The sound of a cabinet creaking open.
"OH MY GOD! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!" Yuya's shriek thunders through the house.
Kyo emerges into the hallway, Hotaru following close behind.
The crimson eyed teen smirks, and saunters down the hall, ignoring Hotaru's continuous questioning of
"Hey Kyo, what's wrong with Yuya? Kyo?"
"YUKIMURA!!!!!!!!!!" Yuya roars.
'Kyo 32159, Yuya 2."
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end of part one. Yeah, this is just something sorta silly. Thought of it awhile ago, and never got a chance to type it up. It's real crazy, I know. That's why it's a crack fic, duh! Hehe. Also, the reason Yuya's score is lower at the end, is because this is Kyo's mental keep of the score. To him, Yuya's only scored 2, and Yuya's being a sore loser and adding more points to her score. So read and review. Keep and open mind, so that means no flames por favor. Jeez I hope someone reads this…I'll be pretty upset if no one does…my confidence in this is dying by the second. XD. Oh well…(dreams of Kyotaru) oh and btw, excuse some mistakes, it's 3 in the morning and I'm damn tired. No excuse really, I know. So READ dammit. And review. Part two…eventually…depends on how much feedback of this I get..
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