Low self-esteem? Sign up for the Decepticons' patented cure: seduction! Now comes in two flavors: coaxing and claiming.

Title: Aesthetics

Warning: Silliness. Vague sex stuff. People really trying to get laid. Dubcon that isn't, due to the aforementioned attempts to get laid.

Rating: PG-13

Continuity: G1

Characters: Blast Off, Astrotrain, Blitzwing, Skyfire, Vortex

Disclaimer: The theatre doesn't own the script or actors, nor does it make a profit from the play.

Motivation (Prompt): An "I think I'm ugly" kinkmeme request ( . ?thread=14906773#t14906773)

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Pt. 1: Coaxing. Side effects include leering, courtship displays, and competitive flattery.

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LD Bibliotecaria_D

Orbit around Earth would have been lonely if there weren't quite so many things up here these days. The humans launched more satellites every month, some of them exclusively to tag along after the Decepticon shuttles. A few dogged the Autobots, too, but most of them swarmed the Decepticons. They were early- warning devices, observation and analysis drones, and crude attempts at weaponry.

Astrotrain and Blitzwing ignored the alert systems, played catch-me-if-you-can with the science bots, and sicc'ed the weapons on the newbie. Blast Off grumbled and destroyed the things. A couple times, he caught and reprogrammed the primitive things to turn back on the other shuttles. It wasn't hard. The humans were just beginning to venture into space combat, and their computers were laughably easy to hack.

Even without the human-made clutter around Earth, orbiting the planet could be interesting. There were five of them up here now, not counting SkySpy's occasional jaunts up, and they were all under orders to keep an optic on each other. Not to engage, oh no. No starting battles without explicit orders, but they couldn't separate off to pass each other in distant, regular paths that required no interaction. The Decepticons were in constant radio contact, adjusting flight paths to annoy one another if nothing else, and they lurked around Cosmos and Skyfire. They were under orders to shadow the Autobots. The Autobots, in turn, had orders to keep tabs on them.

It was kind of ridiculous. It was the worst spy vs. spy set-up ever. Astrotrain and Blitzwing used to chase SkySpy around just to have something new to do. Cosmos would buzz in to rescue the little drone, and the shuttles would at least have an hour or so of obligatory cursing contests with the Autobot. He seemed as happy to break the monotony as they were.

Blast Off arrived, and for a while, teaching the newbie how Earth orbit rolled kept everyone occupied. There were a lot of unwritten rules to explain. Cosmos never ventured over to introduce himself, but he did get in on the action when the pranking started. Blast Off had an extensive, if out-dated and snobbish vocabulary for telling the lot of them off. It was hilarious. They sniggered amongst themselves and truthfully told their respective superiors that there hadn't been a fight whenever anyone got suspicious at the amount of antics going on up in orbit.

It wasn't a bad gig. Orbital observers had a weird relation to the war, anyway. The majority of the time, they were supposed to watch the other faction without actively combating them, which atmospheric flyers and grounders alike seemed to think involved ducking behind the moon stealthily, unnoticed. Orbital mechs just heaved sighs and agreed. Yeah, sure, exactly like that. Sneaky-R-Us, that was orbit, yup.

Actually, it was more like circling a rock while staring fixedly at each other. There was no subtlety. They couldn't lose contact with the enemy - orders were orders - and they'd long ago come to the conclusion that if they couldn't attack each other, why bother attempting to hide?

All bets were off when orders to engage went through, but they could count on one hand the number of times actual orbital combat happened. They were always called down into fights. They never had a problem with that. The atmosphere in atmosphere was different. The rules were fairly explicit about how they behaved, planet-side. Those rules didn't really apply up above. Orbit was sort of a neutral zone for the Decepticons and Autobots in it, and they left the worst of the war outside to pick up when they left.

Because, if nothing else, the scenery made the unofficial truce completely worth it.

"Those wings."

"Mm-hm."

"No, I mean, really. Those wings."

"I know."

"I just want to grab 'em. Think he'd punch me if I did?"

"I think you don't have the bearings to find out."

"Fraggoff. Don't see you trying."

"I don't want to grab his wings."

"Oh, yeah right. You totally do."

"Nah."

"…heh heh, I get it. You like that nosecone. Want to ride, eh?"

"Shaddup."

Trailing Cosmos, Blast Off passed by the two Decepticons assigned to the Valkyrie class shuttle blithely dooting along ahead of them. "I'm tempted to just proposition him outright," the Combaticon said. Despite having Cosmos on him this time up here, the other two shuttles knew full well every sensor he had was turned to linger over Skyfire's sharp angles. Theirs were doing the exact same thing. As always. Guh. "The way Starscream speaks to him, he must be over that."

Starscream screeched abuse at everyone, but he loaded his words with extra vitriol whenever Air Commander and shuttle crossed paths in battle. The way Starscream talked down to his ex-partner would have scorched plating on anyone but Megatron, but Skyfire merely looked pained. That relationship had to be dead.

"Pfft." Blitzwing barrel-rolled, displaying for the Autobot politely ignoring them. "Even if he is, what's that do for us? He's easy on the optics, but we don't got a chance."

"It'd be nice to get some flirting back," Astrotrain said, roughly wistful. He rolled the other way, because displays looked even more impressive in tandem. The Autobot continued ignoring their antics.

Blast Off headed around the curve of the planet, but the open channel between them buzzed in disdain. "I don't see the problem. It would hardly get in the way during battle."

Both of the other shuttles scoffed. "Autobots got weird hang-ups on hook-ups," Astrotrain stated. "Wouldn't work. They get all emotional and slag."

"Optimus Prime and Megatron don't seem to exhibit any signs of emotions hindering them," Blast Off started, and static hissed to interrupt him.

"Don't say that!" Astrotrain and Blitzwing barked.

"Nobody knows about that!"

"What are you talking about? We, of all mechs, are in a perfect position to observe when they meet to - "

"No, you don't get it," Blitzwing snapped. "We don't see nothin'! We don't hear it, we don't see it, and we sure as stars don't talk about it. Nobody does, got it?!"

Blast Off was quiet for a couple minutes as that sank in. "I…see."

"No, ya don't, and you better keep it that way if you wanna keep your landing gear."

"What?"

Skyfire drifted into a lower orbit, apparently bored enough to go investigate some old satellites in a decaying orbit. The two Decepticons followed him, still waggling their relatively stubby wings in hopeful signs of 'hey, look at us' and 'we dig the paint job.'

The silence over the comm. channel drew out long enough that Blast Off thought the topic cut off before Astrotrain grunted as if coming to a decision. "Ol' Megs laid into Screamer when hotwings here defrosted. Said stuff about emotions making him weak, like meeting up for a quick 'face meant they were buddies again. Screamer, uh, yeah."

"Said some stuff back," Blitzwing picked up the awkward narrative. "'bout the Prime and that thing we don't know about, 'cause Megatron ripped out Starscream's landing gear and shoved it down his throat to shut him up. Not like he didn't deserve it, but even Soundwave looked kinda freaked by how quick it happened."

"So we don't see it."

"Deeeeefinitely don't talk 'bout it."

"Don't even know about it."

"Right."

The silence this time lasted until Blast Off came back around the planet. "Even taking into consideration the…nothing…I fail to see why a tryst or six up here would mean anything to him. Autobots contract Swindle for such things regularly now that he's back in business. To be honest, they seem quite relieved to have someone to 'face that they're required to remain detached from, emotionally."

It took a minute for everything to sink in. Of course, what stood out the most immediately was, "Wait, what? Swindle's shareware?"

Blast Off seemed somewhere between contempt and curiosity. "Yes? It's a large portion of his out-faction business. He can't sell weaponry to the Autobots, after all, and he's quite good at customer service."

"No, I get that, but - holy slag, I did not get that vibe off him."

"What do you mean?"

Blitzwing caught the edge of warning on Blast Off's tone. The Combaticon didn't like his combiner team, but he was stuck with them. Necessity enforced loyalty. "Hey, cut thrust. I just mean he ain't ever hinted he's for sale. I'd have jumped on that deal."

Astrotrain was equally interested. "Been a long time since we had a decent hire-mech around."

"What're his rates?"

"The rest of you guys ever get in on it?"

"Slag, mech, that's kinky as a wire-knot."

"I'm just askin'!"

Bemusement filled Blast Off's voice. "I…don't know his prices. Contact him directly if you're interested. He - while we're not in the profession ourselves, he has been known to seek the right frametype for special requests." In other words: yes. Yes, the other Combaticons sometimes got in on it. "I don't know anything more than that." And he wouldn't spill his gestaltmate's business deals even if he did, his tone implied. It was no secret that Swindle's wheeling and dealing had made life at the Combaticon base far more comfortable than a desert exile would otherwise be. His teammates allowed him greater leeway as a result.

Skyfire whirled away right then, changing his flight path to zoom after SkySpy. Astrotrain and Blitzwing's attention locked back on him, and for a minute their scanners were full of gorgeous pointed nosecone and sharply angled wings. Skyfire flew with a lazy grace that made their heat shields tingle. He was just so - so - nnnnngh, okay?

And he was big. Don't forget how big he was. When a mech got into transportation class frametypes, options for larger partners generally settled into the tubby and rounded range, if a mech was lucky enough to find someone bigger. Skyfire was huge and covered in corners and yum. The Decepticon shuttles wanted to eat him up with a spoon, or their hands if he was more into that. Because they'd be all over whatever he was into.

"…Autobots don't lay off Swindle during fights, do they?"

"Not that we've been able to tell. He'd have exploited it somehow if they did."

Truer words had never been spoken. Swindle would somehow manage to exploit his own death.

Pleasure didn't touch business, even for Autobots? Astrotrain and Blitzwing mulled that over. They followed Skyfire, but Blitzwing settled just a bit closer than before. Astrotrain inched ahead of him. Blitzwing nosed closer. Astrotrain matched him.

Skyfire seemed as oblivious as ever. Either he didn't notice, or he was too well-mannered to acknowledge them jockeying for his attention.

"How serious were you about makin' a pass at him?" Blitzwing asked, faux-casual as Blast Off went by.

"You're not hiding behind me." The Combaticon sounded disgruntled by his current assignment. Of all the times to get stuck with Cosmos instead of Skyfire. "Tell him you like his wings. He's probably starving for compliments."

"Why?"

"I've heard Starscream rail at him. He probably thinks he's ugly as the Pit, if he's judging himself by those standards."

"Pfft, or by what the Autoclods think's nice." Astrotrain and Blitzwing made identical sounds of disgust. "The new-jets thought they were deformed, can you believe it? Fragging Auto-idiots." Maybe this would be easy, then. A few compliments, and Skyfire would be down to interface in no time.

A few compliments, and they were eating thrusterfire as the Valkyrie lit up and tore away, hurt and insulted.

Blast Off squawked startled feedback into the open comm. channel as Skyfire zoomed past. "What did you say?!"

"I said his wings were shiny!" Blitzwing wailed. He and Astrotrain pursued the Autobot, but the mech had a lead and a superior altmode for sheer speed. They were also under orders to stay in orbit, but Skyfire was heading out into the solar system as if he didn't care what Autobot Command would have to say about it.

"How did you say it, like you were going to rip them off?!"

"No!"

"No, really!" Astrotrain was just as confused as Blitzwing. "I think…I think he thought we were mocking him."

"What? But - why?"

"How should I know?!"

"You're the one who said it!"

"That doesn't mean I know what he's thinking!"

"Then why do you think he thinks you're mocking him?"

"I don't know! He just - I don't know. Didn't seem to know what to say."

Blast Off hummed thoughtfully into the comm. channel. Cosmos was almost aggressively tagging after him, now, obviously not happy with whatever the other two Decepticons had done to drive away his fellow Autobot. "He might be shy."

"With those wings?"

"Nobody with a nosecone like that can be shy. We can't be the first people to want to lick it."

"I wanna do a lot more than lick it."

"Heh, got that right."

"Starscream's likely trained him to distrust anything positive said about him," Blast Off interrupted the conversation before it got any lewder. "You know what he's like. A backhanded compliment is the best anybody gets from him, and that's if he's setting you up to cut you off at the knees."

Astrotrain and Blitzwing gave up on following Skyfire and turned to go back toward Earth. "Urgh, yeah."

"Makes sense."

"Aw, frag. You're saying we're gonna have to be nice, aren't you."

"You don't have to." Blast Off hoped they wouldn't, in fact.

"You just want a better chance at him yourself."

"It had occurred to me, yes." The Combaticon had actual manners. He could shower Skyfire in sincere, polite compliments until the Autobot took him seriously. Blitzwing and Astrotrain tended to default to crudity. If Skyfire thought they were making fun of him, those two didn't have the patience not to scare him away by leering at the wrong moment.

Two out of three Decepticon shuttles were drooling buffoons. Pretty good odds for getting laid for the lone civilized shuttle in the bunch.

Except Blitzwing and Astrotrain really, really wanted Skyfire.

The three Decepticons settled back into orbit, waiting for Skyfire to return. Things up here had never been boring, but it was about to get interesting.

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