TWILIGHT – BREAKING WIND
Edward and Bella were camping out in a tall old tree. It was past dusk. In fact, in was almost twilight. The sun was tired from a long day of warming the earth, and it quickly fell below the horizon to slumber. Edward had his pale arms wrapped around Bella, and they were thinking up names for the new spawn of human vampire that Bella would produce quite soon.
"How about Bellie, Edward, my love? It's like my name, only cuter, but not really, because no one is cuter than me. I'm so original and I have my own girlie yet dangerous style and I totally did not buy these preppie clothes from Hot Topic they're all mine." Said Bella, sprawled out on a branch, lying on her back and gazing up at the stars.
Edward's golden vampire eyes swiftly darted back and forth. Bile formed in his mouth at the mention of that name. In his head he imagined himself wretching and gagging every time he heard that name. He would regurgitate until nothing was left. His insides writhed and he was queasy just from the thought of that name. "Uh, yeah, babe, that's a great name! I don't despise it one bit! Speaking of which, I have to tell you something. It isn't easy to say. I don't really know how to break it to you."
Bella's mouth opened in surprise. "My.. Edward Cullen, am I having.. TWINS?!? TRIPLETS?!?? OOOH JUST IMAGINE HOW ADORABLE THAT WOULD BE!!!"
"No, no, no, just please listen for a second." Edward bit his lip and he couldn't face her as his head sank, looking at the ground. "It's not you who is pregnant," said Edward. His face grew serious and shadowed. "I am."
"DUNN DUNN DUNNNNNN! AND THE PLOT THICKENS!!!!" Bella shouted in his face, tears exploding all over the place, as she ran home crying. When she locked herself in her lavish and vampire styled room, she devoured multiple triple chocolate cupcakes and gorged on five gallons of rocky road ice cream, all while sobbing uncontrollably and pathetically, without forgetting, of course, to lick her fingers clean. "WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE MEEEE??? I'M SO DIFFERENT, NOBODY UNDERSTANDS MY DARK AND TROUBLED WAYS!!""
Edward sighed, lifted up his flower printed maternity top, and rubbed his humongous tummy. "Do you think I was too hard on her?" he spoke to his bloated belly.
Bella woke up the next day, her head hiding in a large gallon of empty ice cream. She grew weary after the depressed feast and as soon as she tried to lap up the bottom of the jug to get the last of the ice cream, she was instantly asleep. Her cell phone rang. A wave of watered down hard rock guitar lines and failed hardcore and punky girl vocals that was just too awful for words. She struggled to rid herself of the ice cream jug, and it took much effort for it to pop off of her head. "WHAT IS IT? I AM VERY BUSY BEING SUPER CUTE AND MYSTERIOUS!" Bella demanded loudly into the phone.
She could hear heavy breathing. Her ears also picked up a woman saying, "Breathe in, now breathe out. Breathe in, and breathe out. Very good!"
"Edward? What are you doing waking me up at SEVEN A.M. ON A SATURDAY? I haven't even applied my super adorable pink makeup on yet."
The lady handed Edward the phone. They were at the hospital. Edward was in the lobby, sitting in a wheel chair, in standard hospital garb. "Umm, yeah. I'm kind of having the baby now. My bloody vampire water broke this morning. I nearly fainted at the sight of the blood, and I was rushed here unconscious. I'm in a tremendous amount of pain right now, so get here quick, darling."
Bella grinded her teeth in fury. She did not try to hide her anger from him. "Fine, whatever, I'll be there." She muttered with malice. "I hope you were happy hurting my feelings last night, I mean, not like I have feelings because I'm ultra tough and hip and unbreakable especially by dumb stupid boys, but still." She waited for his reply but he was too busy yelping like a tiny dog choking on a leash. She hung up the phone, dressed quickly, jumped into her van, and sped away.
After many fender benders and t-bones, as well as ran stop lights because Bella was too busy texting and talking on the phone about her tragic and misunderstood life while attempting to drive, her van smashed into the side of the hospital and ran through a floor of the building until it collided with a wall and halted to a stop. All of the nurses screamed in shock and panic. They ran quickly to attend to the now crushed patients.
Bella didn't care. She walked up to the front desk and asked where her shiny fairy boyfriend was at. The receptionist's jaw was agape in alarm and disbelief. Finally she forced it close and stammered, "B-b-but you severely injured those patients! I think you might have even killed a few innocent people!"
Bella tossed her hair back, and was applying more makeup, admiring her reflection in her portable mirror. She blew a kiss and waved to herself like a glamorous movie star. "Less talking, more directing. I am way more important than anyone else here, so make it snappy. I need to see uh, what's his name again? Eduardo? Elliot? Earl? Nevermind, I'm so cool I will find it on my own."
Off she went, into the long, dreadful light blue halls of the hospital. She could hear Edward's distinctive womanly cries of torture and anguish. Or was he singing? Bella followed the voice, in hopes to find her questionable vampire lover.