Consider Me Gone - Parody
A/N: Okay so this is a parody of a song-fic called Consider Me Gone by edluver09. Also go watch the Robot Chicken Harry Potter episode because it will clear up a lot of questions. I also wanted to say that I didn't write this to be rude or anything like that. I just thought that it would make a more fun story like this, even though it no longer follows the song. lol. So anyway i hope edluver09 is not offended by this, and realizes that this is all in good fun. :-)
Bella Point of View
I sat in my pink smart car, which was parked in Alice's driveway. I was still crying over Edward, we had been together for three years and I never imagined that we would be breaking up. But that's exactly what happened. It really shouldn't have surprised me, considering a few months ago our relationship started to fall apart. Edward went fro being kind and loving to being a complete douche bag. We hardly spent any time together and we rarely spoke.
I didn't want to break up with Edward, but his attitude and distance was getting to be too much. When Edward came home from work I was waiting on the couch in a last ditch effort to fix out shattered relationship.
One Hour Earlier
I heard his car creeping up the driveway, I was still sitting on the couch dreading what I knew would be a difficult conversation. He was later than usual and I had spent the extra time going over and over in my head, how much our relationship had changed. While Pubertus was cowering in the corner.
A few months ago, Edward's attitude towards me completely changed. He was cold and distant, and when I tried to talk to him about it he'd shut down and refuse to talk. I was becoming truly concerned. The sweet and loving man I was hoping to marry, had become an enormous asshole. The fucker was probably cheating me.
I was lost in my thoughts again when I heard the door shut. When I looked up Edward was setting down his briefcase so that he could take off his shoes. That douche was always refusing to wear shoes, I swear if I wasn't here he'd walk around shoeless like a damn hobo. He looked up and seemed genuinely shocked to find me glaring at him from the living room couch.
He tried to walk quickly past me, but I followed him into the kitchen where I noticed Pubertus peaking out of one of the cabinet.
"How was work? Any fucking reason why you're an hour late?"
He mumbled a quick reply that I didn't catch. That pissed me off. A few months ago I couldn't get the whiny bitch to shut up about his damn day, and now he won't even give me a straight answer. What the fuck?
He squeezed passed me and walked back out into the hallway towards our bedroom. He wasn't going to get away from me that easily, we were going to have this conversation whether he liked it or not.
"Edward we need to talk."
"Later." he said as he quickly changed into his jogging clothes.
"No Edward, NOW." I said angrily.
"Why? What do we need to talk about?"
"Us, Edward. Duh."
"What about us? Seriously, what the fuck was up with this crap, if he asks one more stupid question, I'm going to kick him in the nuts.
"Our relationship is shit Edward. You need to fucking fix it."
"What needs to be fixed?"
"You. You're acting like a douche."
"No I'm not."
"Yes you fucking are. You douche."
"Can we just talk about this later?" He asked while lacing up his running shoes near where I could see Pubertus hiding under the bed.
"No, we are going to talk about this now, or so fucking help me I will run you down with my smart car.
"Bella, please, let's talk later I want to go running." He said as he pushed past me again and stumbled into the hallway.
"Fuck no," I said running to stand in front of him. "We are going to talk right now."
"I said we'll talk later, Bella. Right now, I'm going for a run." he said trying to keep his glare up under my burning gaze.
"You know what Edward, whatever. If you don't want to talk then don't. But you are sure as hell going to fucking listen to me. We never fuckin talk anymore, you're treating me like shit and I'm fucking tired of it. I wanna know what the fuck happened a few months ago that made you start acting like this."
He just stared at me in shock, his mouth gaping open like a fish, but he didn't respond. In that silence my worst fears were confirmed the only reason for his silence would have to be that he's cheating on me. Immediately all my anger fell away and tears started to stream down my face, and I could just barely make out Pubertus peeking around the doorframe of our bedroom.
"Can you . . . Just . . . be honest with me, Edward." He just stared at the floor blankly, I wasn't even sure if he heard me.
"Did you sleep with her?"
"Of course not. You know I would never do that. It's just the relationship that we have is different from the one I have with her. And I like that." He said his voice breaking as he spoke.
I pushed past him, the tears falling freely now, as I ran back to our room, and into the bathroom where I locked the door behind me.
"Bella?" Edward called softly from the other side of the door.
"Leave . . . Me . . . Alone, Edward." I stuttered between sobs.
"Okay," he mumbled softly.
I listened to his footsteps receed and the door slam before my anger came back full force. I stood up and swiped everything off the bathroom counter and onto the floor, before ripping the door open with so much force that it shattered the tile on the wall behind it.
As I stormed out of the bathroom I saw Pubertus scurrying out of the room as fast as his stumpy legs could carry him.
I grabbed as much of my shit as I could fit into an old backpack that was in the closet, broke everything else that was in my reach and rushed out of the room. When I got out of the house and to my smart car, I started to feel bad. I should really write Edward a note.
Edward,
By the time you read this, I'll be gone and better off. I should have fucking seen this coming but I was stupid. I'll always treasure our time together, even though you're a complete douch bag. I hope you have fun with your new bitch and that she soon catches on to your act or that she dies a painful death. I hope you are happy until you realize how badly you fucked up. So yeah, later asshole.
Forever cursing your name,
Bella
After finishing up my letter, I put it on his bed. That way when he changed, he'd see it. I started up my smart car, put it in drive and headed to my best friend's house. When I pulled into her drive way, I noticed that her lights were off and both her and Jasper's cars were gone. So I stayed in my smart car as I waiter for her to return.
End Flashback
I didn't realize that I had fallen asleep until I heard the knocking at my tiny window. I assumed it was Alice so I said, "Go the fuck away Alice. Let me sleep in my tiny car."
"I'm not Alice." The velvety voice I knew so well responded.
I sat up and looked out the window. And there stood Edward, in his jogging clothes out in the pouring rain. Oh shit, a reunion in the rain, what a cliché.
"What are you doing here Edward?"
Flashback
Edward POV
I had finally told that bitch, whats what. She was always to mean to me. Maybe she would finally get the message. Maybe she would leave.
I began to imagine a life without a bipolar Bella. I would be free, there would be no one to tell me what to eat, what to wear, who to speak to. I could eat whatever I wanted . . . Except that I don't know how to cook . . . I could still pick my own clothes . . . But of course before I met Bella people were always laughing at what I wore . . . I could talk to whoever, whenever . . . But I was never very good at choosing friends. And right then I realized what a mistake I made.
I turned and ran back to the house we had shared. I ran straight up the drive and into the house.
"Bella?" No answer.
"Bella?" I called out again as I ran frantically through the house.
I had just spotted a piece of paper on the bed, when I heard a noise in the back room.
"Bella?"
Deep laughter resonated from the room.
"Bella is gone, you're mine now," said a deep gravely voice. As the once cowardly Pubertus, sqeezed his now large, troll-like body out of the door.
"No!" I cried as I ran frantically out of the house. I needed to find Bella, Bella would save me.
End Flashback
Bella POV
He seemed lost in thought for a moment and I swear I saw him shiver before he answered.
"Uhh… I made a HUGE mistake by letting you go." He said. "Can you let me in the car please. That way we can talk and I'll start to dry off."
I unlocked the passenger side door and watched as he took all three steps it took to get to the other side of my car. Once he was inside and we settled ourselves so that we were somewhat I comfortable, I turned on the heater so he could get warm.
"Thanks." Edward said with a small smile.
"Ok, Edward, what made you change your mind?"
"Bella, I was stupid to treat you the way I did. When I was running I thought about everything you said, and realized you're everything to me. Yes, Tanya, may have had me questioning things, but I didn't stop to actually think about just how important you are to me. When I got back home, I started looking for you. I was starting to. Just thinking about you leaving me, really made me realize that I can't live without you. Just as I know you can't live without me." I scoffed but he continued. "So, I guess what I'm trying to say Bella, is that I'm sorry. I messed up and want you back. Please, will you come back to me, the house isn't the same without you."
I grinned. I knew he couldn't live without me.
"I'll go back, but only on one condition." I said with a smirk.
"Anything. Anything at all." He smiled.
"Cut off your nuts."
A/N: okay so go watch the Robot Chicken episode if you want to learn about Pubertus. Lol. Anyway I hope you enjoyed this horrible parody. J