WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN HIS FIRST TIME

DISCLAIMER

Tie in to "Needing Help" and "Rude Awakening". Deals with Sam's comment in "Rude Awakening" of him freaking out when he and Jess first went to make love. Since we don't know much about Jessica, I'm putting in m own conclusions about her and what kind of a woman she was as well as her opinion on John and Dean. As a rule, I don't believe in pre-marital sex, but this fic idea came to me.

Sam Winchester leaned against the bed's headboard as his girlfriend Jessica Moore pressed her lips to his. She ran her fingers through his hair, and he stiffened slightly, momentarily seeing someone else performing the same actions.

"What?" Jessica asked, noticing his sudden rigidness.

"Nothing. Don't worry," Sam assured. They resumed their actions. Jessica leaned against Sam, pinning him to the bed with her body.

"Sam, make love to me," she murmured. Sam froze.

"Sammy, make love to me," Janet Thompson whispered.

"No. Please," Sam objected. Sam shifted slightly, breaking the contact between them.

"What is it?" Jessica questioned.

"Sorry. A little uncomfortable," Sam lied. He repositioned himself. "There. All better," he told her, as he pulled her closer. Jessica continued running her fingers through his hair, then continued downward until they reached his shirt. As she began unfastening the buttons, Sam froze. Miss Thompson's hands reached out and began to unbutton his shirt.

"Please, no," Sam softly insisted.

"Ssssshhhhh. It's okay," Miss Thompson assured him.

"No, don't! Stop!" Sam cried, backing away, hitting his head on the wall in the process.

"Sam?" Jessica asked in surprise. What's going on? she wondered, as she hesitantly reached out a hand.

"I don't want to!" Sam insisted, pushing the hand away.

"Okay. Okay," Jessica soothed.

"Don't wanna. Not gonna this time," he said petulantly.

"Okay," Jessica soothed again. Inside, her mind was racing furiously. She couldn't be sure because she wasn't an expert, but it appeared that Sam had been sexually abused as a kid, but who had done it? His father maybe? It'd make sense seeing how Sam hardly ever talked about him, and when he did, there was always a certain amount of anger in his voice. "Sam, what's going on?" she queried.

"I---I, uh---" Sam stammered, and then seemed to compose himself. "Jess, I'm sorry. I wanted this to be perfect and now---"

"Sam, what were you thinking? You shouldn't be forcing yourself to relive your abuse just to make me happy," Jessica interrupted.

"What?" Sam asked, tensing. How could he have slipped up like that? Only Dad and Dean knew, and that was the way he liked it. If Jess knew…she'd never look at him again.

"Sam, I get that it's hard for you. I mean, what your father---" Jessica began to say.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Sam interjected. "Dad rode me hard, and we hardly ever saw eye-to-eye, but he never hurt me," he continued.

"But your actions just now and your attitude towards sex in general---" Jessica began to remind him.

"It was my history teacher," he interrupted.

"What?" Jessica asked.

"I was fourteen. She was on top of me before I figured it out," he admitted hoarsely. "What did I know about sex?" he asked bitterly.

"Sam, what she did to you was not your fault," Jessica told him. He looked away. "Hey, look at me," she instructed. Reluctantly, Sam did so. Instead of the loathing and disgust he expected, Sam only saw love and sympathy. His throat muscles constricted, and he tried to blink back the tears. However, it was to no avail. with a sob, he bent his head down and hid his face in his lap. Jessica made little shushing noises and just held him.

THE END