It was another dull day aboard the Red Dwarf and Lister was lying around in his bunk idly reading a magazine, but really just looking at the pictures. He was too bored to read. Sure, exciting stuff did happen to them from time to time, like last week when they had accidentally triplicated Red Dwarf and met the high and low parts of themselves, but most of the time there was absolutely nothing to do.
Out of the corner of his eye, Dave could see his bunkmate, Arnold Rimmer, looking at himself in the mirror. The smeghead could never decide if he wanted Holly to give him a haircut or not. It wasn't like it mattered anyways. Nobody respectable was going to see him out in deep space.
Lister put down the magazine and fixed his gaze on the hologram. Maybe he should devote his spare time to figuring out one of the great enigmas of the universe: Arnold Rimmer. What was it that made the man such a smeghead?
Oblivious to the fact that he was being observed, Rimmer sighed and left the mirror. At a loss for what else to do, he sat down in a chair and picked up one of his holographic books; the war diaries of some fascist dictator or other. As Rimmer crossed his legs, Lister could see that the man was wearing sock suspenders. This sight caused Lister to choke back a cough as it instantly reminded him of Rimmer's low self and his fishnet stockings.
Arnold looked up from his book and glared at Lister. "Are you choking on your own droll up there?" he asked snidely.
"What? No, just thought of… something funny…" he covered awkwardly.
Abandoning the idea of reading to cure his boredom, Rimmer sighed and stood up. "Well, if you're just going to be a git, I guess I'll go see what Kryten's up to. Cataloguing stars would be more fun than this," he muttered, walking out.
"I'm not being a git!" Lister called after him in protest, but his remark went either unheard or ignored.
Lister laid back down on his bunk and wondered how on Earth a man like that could have a part of him that wanted to wear fishnet stockings! But it wasn't just fishnet stockings that Rimmer had a hidden desire to wear. It was eyeliner, earrings, feather boas, sexy boots and skimpy leather outfits. And it wasn't just that a part of Rimmer wanted to practically cross dress in a very sexual manner… Lister could remember very well that low Rimmer had told him he wanted to have him…
Lister blinked and sat up in bed as the realization started to hit. Low Rimmer was quite flamboyantly gay. And this wasn't just some different alternative version of Rimmer like Ace. No, low Rimmer was a part of Rimmer. He was Rimmer. Which meant that deep down inside, Rimmer was an extremely repressed homosexual who longed to wear fishnet stockings and eyeliner and lusted after Lister…
"Oh smeg!" Lister exclaimed. It just couldn't be true! Rimmer of all people was gay? But Rimmer liked women! Well, the man had never had a very active sex life. He recalled Rimmer saying at one point that he was never very highly sexed and that it was probably because of school cabbage, but maybe it was because Rimmer had been trying to fall in love with the gender that he just wasn't very attracted to.
He then began to wonder if Rimmer himself even knew the truth about his sexuality. Maybe Rimmer even had himself convinced that he was straight. Lister's mind wandered back to when Ace Rimmer had popped into their dimension and he recalled all of the snide attacks Rimmer had made on Ace's sexuality. Lister had always just assumed that Rimmer was incredibly jealous of Ace so he had to come up with some way to make Ace seem inferior, and had done this by deciding Ace was gay. But now Lister wondered if it wasn't only jealously, but that Rimmer had been projecting his insecurities about his own sexuality onto Ace. Why else would he fixate on it so much?
And why, wondered Lister, did Rimmer always bring him into the insults, implying that he and Ace were a couple? Lister blushed, sure he had been a little attracted to the charming test pilot, but who wouldn't be? What a guy… Could it be that Rimmer was secretly jealous that Ace had enough charm to turn Lister's head because in actuality, Rimmer was attracted to Lister but too repressed to even admit it to himself?
Lister just couldn't believe it was true, but he kept coming up with more evidence! He remembered back to when they had needed to rescue Rimmer from his self-loathing monster on the psi-moon and had seen the graves of his self-confidence and self-respect. When they had told Rimmer they loved him, those parts of his personality rose from their graves and Lister remembered quite clearly that they had been clad in very gay seeming pink and purple outfits. There was only one reason he could think of that a man's self-confidence and self-respect would wear pink and purple. Perhaps it was to say that if Rimmer had more confidence in himself and more self-respect, he would be able to openly embrace his sexuality. Those were the only parts of him willing to admit he was gay.
Low Rimmer had certainly had self-confidence; that was probably why he was comfortable with his sexuality, but, Lister wondered, what about high Rimmer? Had he been gay too? High Rimmer certainly had self-respect and he had to have self-confidence in order to do interpretative dance like that. And Lister recalled, just before he had involuntarily murdered the high versions of both himself and Rimmer, they had been having an interesting conversation… telling each other how much they loved each other. At first Lister had convinced himself that they meant it platonically but could it be that the high version of himself was in a romantic relationship with the high Rimmer? Did that mean if he and Rimmer were completely enlightened and in touch with themselves, that they would realize they had feelings for each other?
"But I don't have feelings for Rimmer!" Lister muttered to himself. "He's a complete smeghead!" Throughout his revelation about Rimmer's sexuality, Lister had realized that as well as being secretly gay, Rimmer also secretly longed for him. If his high self was in love with Rimmer, did that mean that somewhere inside, he was in love with Rimmer too? Sighing a heavy, conflicted sigh, he laid back down on his pillow, closed his eyes, and tried to be completely honest with himself.
Now that he thought about it, he and Rimmer had been sharing a room for years when they easily could have gotten separate rooms from the first day. Was it that he actually enjoyed Rimmer's company? They had been through everything together and after all those years, Rimmer had really started to grow on him. Lister was sure he would miss Rimmer if he were ever to leave. The ship would just feel so empty without him. And Lister was admittedly attracted to Ace, a man who looked exactly the same as Rimmer with just a different hairstyle, a shiny spacesuit, and some charisma and charm. Rimmer was charming in his own way though, Lister supposed. He was funny and he was just adorable when his nostril's flared… "Oh smeg! I'm in love with Rimmer!" Lister had his second epiphany of the day.
"Calm down, man," he told himself, trying to control his breathing. "It's not that bad… yes it is! He's such a smeghead! And he probably doesn't even know he's gay!" Lister groaned in exasperation and took a few minutes to let it all sink in. He needed time to adjust to the idea of being in love with Arnold Rimmer. "I really wonder if he knows…" Lister said to himself once he had calmed down. Well, there was only one way to find out…
"Hey, Rimmer," said Lister casually as Rimmer walked back into their quarters a few hours later.
"Yes, what is it now?" he sighed, sipping his cup of holographic tea.
"I was just wondering… are you gay?"
Rimmer instantly spit out the tea in shock. "Am I what!"
"You heard me," Lister insisted. "I'm serious. Are you gay?"
"Well—I—I—No! Of course not!" he stammered.
"Then why're you being so defensive?" Lister wondered.
"I'm not being defensive!" he argued, rather defensively.
"Yeah, you are. Look, I've been thinking about when we met the low and high parts of ourselves. I don't know if you noticed, but both versions of you were gay."
"They—they were?" asked Rimmer.
"Yeah, and I don't see how it's possible that you could be straight when all the parts of you aren't."
"But I…" stammered Rimmer, at a loss for words as he started to think.
"I want you to think about it, nobody's gonna judge you," Lister assured him. "Have you ever really been attracted to a girl?"
"Well…" he began. "Like I said before, I never thought about sex much when I was younger, you know, because of all the school cabbage I was forced to eat as a boy. I wasn't really attracted to anyone during the time I was in school. I was too focused on revising and going up the ziggurat lickety-split like my parents wanted me to."
"Your parents, eh?" asked Lister. "What did they think about homosexuality?"
"Well, I wouldn't say they were homophobic or anything but they certainly didn't want to have a gay son," said Rimmer. "I remember once when I was five my mum caught me trying on one of her dresses and trying to put on some of her makeup. She slapped me and yelled at me and then my dad told me that he wasn't going to have a sissy boy for a son. They sent me to bed without dinner and all my brothers laughed at me."
Lister was suddenly starting to feel like a therapist. He had the strange urge to say "and how did that make you feel?" but he resisted it. "Rimmer, have you thought that maybe it wasn't the school cabbage? Have you ever even considered that you might like men?"
Rimmer swallowed hard and shook his head. "No… it would have disappointed my parents too much. I'm already such a failure in their eyes; I can't be gay too… The low me and the high me… how come they didn't care what their parents, my parents, thought?" he wondered, trying to distract himself from the fact that he was on the brink of a realization.
"Well, the low part of you had no discipline and no inhibitions. I bet that part of you just doesn't give a smeg what your parents think," hypothesized Lister. "And high Rimmer, well, he's so enlightened and in touch with himself that he probably doesn't give a smeg either. But put them together and you get you, still afraid of disappointing your parents even though they've been dead 3 million years."
Rimmer stared at the wall and shook his head, completely bewildered. Lister had managed to turn his world upside down in a matter of mere minutes. "I can't believe it… All these years… I'd never even considered… And all because of my smegging parents! It explains so much; why I was never attracted to any of the girls at school, why it took me so long to lose my virginity, why I have that recurring dream about kissing Napoleon Bonaparte…"
Lister had to choke back a laugh at that last one, earning him a glare from Rimmer. "Don't laugh at me! Can't you see I'm having a life changing revelation here!"
"Sorry," said Lister. "It's just uh, really weird to picture."
"Tell me about it," sighed Rimmer.
So Lister was right about Rimmer being gay. But he still had to wonder if he was right about Rimmer being in love with him. Once again, only one way to find out. "Hey, Rimmer. There's something else you should know about low Rimmer," he said awkwardly.
"Oh God, does he have some weird mental disorder I don't know I have!"
"Well, probably," said Lister. "But that's not what I was going to say. Low Rimmer he… wanted me… sexually."
This time it was Rimmer's turn to cough in surprise. "He—he did?"
"Yeah, and our high selves, I think they were together," Lister told him with a blush. Rimmer was speechless. Lister sighed. "What I'm trying to ask, Arnold, is do you have feelings for me?"
Rimmer felt his holographic cheeks go red hot and he stammered flusteredly. "Well, I um, you see, uh, well—"
Lister shook his head and sighed in disappointment. Rimmer was never going to be able to admit his feelings. "Look, it's okay man. Just forget it."
As Rimmer saw the sadness in Lister's deep brown eyes, something pulled at his heartstrings and he finally felt the feelings he had been fighting off for so long. "Yes!" he cried.
Lister blinked and looked up at him.
"Yes, I—I like you," Rimmer admitted with a blush.
That lovable smile lit up Lister's face and he jumped down from his bunk. "You really mean that?" he asked. Rimmer nodded and an adorable blush painted his cheeks. "It's okay, man. I like you too," Lister assured him, crossing the room to stand in front of him.
"You do?" asked Rimmer nervously. "But I thought you liked women!"
"Not only women," Lister smiled and reached out, running his fingers along the outline of Rimmer's holographic cheek, feeling the warmth and the electrical tingling sensation that came from his projection. Rimmer closed his eyes and began to breathe a bit harder and his simulated heart pounded rapidly. "Can I kiss you?" Lister asked softly.
Rimmer nodded without hesitation and Lister leaned in and pressed his lips up to those of the holographic projection, taking pleasure in the warmth and faint buzz of electricity against his sensitive skin. A small gasp escaped Rimmer's lips as he felt the peculiar but not unpleasant sensation of Lister kissing his projection. Still not quite knowing what to do, Rimmer kissed back to the best of his ability and shuddered in pleasure as Lister wrapped his arms around him lovingly, showing him more affection than anyone ever had before.
"Oi, did you guys finally figure out Arnold's gay?" asked Holly, popping up on the screen. "Took you long enough."
Rimmer and Lister reluctantly broke off the kiss and stared at Holly. "You knew?" asked Rimmer. "How? I didn't even know and I'm me!"
"Yeah, well I'm the computer that runs you. I know absolutely everything there is to know about you, even stuff you don't know about yourself. It's all in your personality disc," she explained.
"Why didn't you tell me sooner!" he exclaimed.
"What? And ruin all the fun?" asked Holly.
"What fun? What're you getting at, Hol?" asked Lister.
"Well, you see, Kryten, the Cat and I had a little bet going on how long it would take you to figure it out," she said casually.
"Why in God's name would you do that!" demanded Rimmer.
"We're out in deep space. It's not like we could have bet on horses!" said Holly as if the answer was obvious.
"Who won?" Lister wanted to know.
"Well, Cat didn't have much confidence in you; he thought you'd never figure it out. Kryten bet that if he ever accidentally washed the reds with the whites, that Arnold would realize it after he saw how good he looked in pink. And I bet that Dave was smart enough to put all the pieces together and figure it out on his own. So I guess I won!"
"Thanks for having confidence in me Holly, but I think the real winners here are me and Rimmer," smiled Lister, leaning in for another kiss.
"Oi, get a room!" complained Holly, her computer senility making her forget that Rimmer and Lister were in fact in their room.
As the pair continued to kiss, Cat curiously popped into the room and sighed. "Aw man! I can't believe this!"
"What?" asked Rimmer, pulling away from the kiss. "Are you jealous that I get Lister while you're left with only your reflection?"
"No, it's not that. I just can't believe I lost the bet!" cried Cat.
Lister threw the nearest pillow at the Cat and commanded Holly to lock the door; he didn't want any more interruptions that night.