Jar of Hearts

I know I can't take one more step towards you
'Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

Christina Perri - Jar of Hearts

Sirius might not have killed James and Lily, as had previously been thought, but Remus didn't know if he could do this again. It had almost killed him, that night he'd heard what had happened. Knowing what happened, Remus could forgive Sirius for the last thirteen years now, but he didn't know if he could take him back into his arms.

And then the owl came. Just a message, asking Remus to meet him on some island he'd never heard of before, and no one would ever think to find the two of them. Remus wondered why he'd come at all - he was only going to get his heart broken. Again.

"Moony," Sirius said. It was hard to hear him because his voice was so low; he spoke in a cracked whisper, reminding Remus that the werewolf wasn't the only broken man out of the two of them. "For a second… for a second I thought you weren't going to show." Sirius gave a cracked laugh as though the idea was ridiculous, and Remus winced at the sight - combined with his hollow cheeks and half-dead appearance, that laugh gave him all the characteristics of a madman.

"For a second, I wasn't sure that I was," Remus said, trying to keep the pain from his voice. Sirius recoiled as though he'd been slapped. Remus didn't know what his old friend had expected would happen; perhaps he thought that they'd just… pick up from where they left off. But Remus knew the both of them better than that, and he knew the state of their relationship. It was scattered in the dirt like a thousand shards of carelessly-broken glass. It'd been like that for a while, since well before the night Peter had betrayed them to Voldemort.

"What do you mean?" Sirius asked. "That night… in the Shrieking Shack…."

"We met as friends," Remus said. "Somehow, I don't think this meeting is about our friendship."

The island was barely a rocky crag in the sea, and the wind was beginning to pick up. The waves crashed more fiercely, and Remus felt the unpleasant sensation of being sprayed with water on a not very warm day. He moved so that the waves couldn't reach him. "You don't want to be friends anymore, Moony?" Sirius asked, and in his voice, Remus heard the desperate sounds of a broken man.

"I never said that," Remus told him sharply. "I'd like very much to remain friends. But I'm not sure about going back to how we were."

"Why not?" Sirius demanded. "How we were was-"

"How we were was a joke, Padfoot," Remus interrupted sharply. "We were good once, but by the end, we might as well have been on opposite sides of the war. Hell, we thought we were."

"Moony…."

"No, Padfoot. You didn't even trust me enough to tell me you were secret keeper," Sirius flinched at the accusation, "and I swallowed every story the Ministry gave me about you. What does that tell you?"

"We can start again. We can learn to trust each other-"

"You broke my heart, Sirius."

It was a statement, not an accusation, as though he was saying it just to satisfy the other man's curiosity. But it stopped Sirius from talking anyway. Remus' voice was becoming strangled, and he knew that if he kept talking, he was probably going to end up breaking down in tears, but he had to continue. "I know you didn't mean to, and I know it's not your fault. But I've been enduring for thirteen years. I've been carrying on, regardless of this hole in my chest. I coped."

Sirius went to say something, but Remus wasn't done. "Back in school… it was the best time of my life, and you were no small part of that. But it didn't end like that, and I don't think we can go back to how it used to be. I can't take you leaving me again, Sirius," he whispered.

And what could Sirius say to that?

"I survived for you." Remus blinked when Sirius spoke. "You were what kept me going. I knew that even if I got out, I had nothing in this world to live for except for you. James and Lily were gone and Peter turned traitor. The war was over - I had no cause. You were all I had left." He made a motion as if he was going to turn away. "At least, I thought you were. Now it seems I don't even have that."

"What about your revenge?" Remus asked sharply. He was not going to let Sirius guilt him into this. "Don't you want to get Peter back for what he did?"

Sirius shrugged. "My life would be pretty sad if all I had to live for was someone else's death," he said. "I doubt it would be worth it."

"So find something else to live for," Remus told him.

Sirius' eyes flashed in anger. "There isn't anything else. It's only you. Remus, you're the most important thing in the world to me."

"The world's a big place," Remus said, but he knew his argument was getting weak. "You'll find something else."

"I won't," Sirius said, stepping forwards.

"How do you know?" Remus asked. He wanted to step backwards, but his feet wouldn't move. He felt his mouth go dry as Sirius took another step.

"I just do," Sirius insisted, approaching further so he was only a step away from being nose-to-nose with the werewolf. "Please, Remus."

He never stated what he was asking for, but they both knew. He was asking to be allowed to touch Remus, to reach out and wrap his arms around him. He was asking to kiss him and to comfort him. He was asking permission to love him again.

And Remus wanted to say yes. He wanted to let Sirius do all those things because it had been something that had been missing from his world for almost thirteen years, and he missed it. Losing it had broken him, and he wanted to reach out and plead "fix me".

Maybe it was something in his eyes that told Sirius what he was thinking and feeling. Maybe, despite their time apart, Sirius still knew him as well as he had when they were teenagers, and were madly in love. Maybe it was just a fluke that Sirius took that final step when Remus was wavering, and was so close to the edge that all it would take was a little push for him to fall in. It didn't matter. All that mattered was that Sirius was wrapping his arms around Remus, and the werewolf was burying his head in the other man's shoulder.

Rebellious tears that refused to be held back slipped past his eyelids that were squeezed shut. He realised that he wasn't the only one crying when he felt Sirius' body shudder as a sob wracked his body. He rubbed Sirius' back comfortingly, and held onto him tight.

He felt Sirius squeeze him back. He never wanted to let go. Soon they'd have to lift their heads from each other's shoulders and face the world once more, but right now he simply wanted to remain in this embrace, forgetting the past and the very near future, just enjoying the warmth they were sharing amongst this blistering cold wind.

Sirius had always had his heart; Remus had been foolish to think he'd be able to deny him anything.