All Out of Love

Summery: Remember in Countrycide when Tosh said that Owen was her last kiss – well this is a bit of an expansion on that. It's basically Tosh's diary entry of that particular night.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything I write down. That includes the characters of Torchwood and the song by Air Supply (though the version I was listening to while writing this was done by John Barrowman!).

A/N: This is my 2nd Torchwood fic AND my 2nd Tosh/Owen fic. As you probably noticed quite the Tosh/Owen shipper and think that there should be more Tosh/Owen fics out there. Lol. Anyways, hope you all enjoy this and please comment!

(Comments help me improve – and they keep me writing :D)

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Christmas Eve – 4.35am

Do dreams really come true? If they do, I think mine just did. I couldn't believe it. I was just joking around and it just happened like that. Christmas Eve, 3 in the morning, fake mistletoe? Maybe he didn't really fall for it thought and he was just trying to be a friend.

I don't really know what to think now.

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I'm lying alone with my head on the phone
Thinking of you till it hurts
I know you hurt too but what else can we do
Tormented and torn apart
I wish I could carry your smile and my heart
For times when my life feels so low
It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring
When today doesn't really know, doesn't really know

Christmas Day – 12.48 pm

It all started in the hub. That day we'd all spent some time in the afternoon putting up coloured tinsel and mini Christmas trees everywhere. We were trying to make the hub homier so that it would fit in with the Christmas spirit of Cardiff. I suppose it did add a little bit of joy in its dull metal frame work.

That night we all stayed in a little later after work. Ianto had done the gracious duty of getting us all some drinks. His nice selection of red wine and beer got everyone going. It must have gone on for a while but we'd finished at least one of the wine bottles and there was bear cans and bottle everywhere. We'd mainly sat their talking about how sad our lives were and how we were spending our Christmas Eve with our colleagues and not family. With one of Owen's empty beer bottled we started to play that bottle spinning game. It didn't last long though. After Suzie and Owen's long Christmas kiss over a bottle Ianto was dared to kiss Jack – which he never fulfilled.

We'd placed mistletoe around the hub hoping two people would stop underneath them but everyone one knew which door way to avoid so it never worked. After a while everyone had had a bit too much to drink but we were celebrating so it didn't really matter. It wasn't long though, until Suzie was the 1st to leave. She said she had to go meet someone for some special Christmas Treat. I was the only girl left after that. Jack started to play some sort of soft Christmassy music and he started dancing with me. It was obvious everyone was so drunk nobody really cared. After my dance with Ianto he said he couldn't take it anymore and wanted to go home. He must have gone back since I never saw him after that. It as just me, Jack and Owen left. Jack was so self-absorbed he took the stage alone with me maybe once too many times. Twirling me around I can still feel everything spinning. He mentioned a while after that he was going to the kitchen to get something but he never returned.

Me and Owen spent maybe a hull hour randomly talking because we never realized Jack was gone. There was still a record playing in the background. I remember as I went over to get another drink Owen came up next to me and asked if I wanted a dance. I think I almost felt shocked at first but we were friends. There was no need to feel anything awkward in that moment - except it did. It felt strange. Slow dancing with him. I'd rested my head on his shoulder and my right hand was linked with his. You'd never have taken him as a romantic but he has always been somewhat of a suspicion to me. Even when we used to go out as friends and he used to tell me things he said he'd never tell anyone else.

I guess it made me feel that little bit more special. Since I never really had that sort of a friend before it felt nice to now have one. I always wondered why Owen chose me to talk to instead of maybe Jack? But I learnt a long time ago to never question the nice things you were given. At first we were just good friends but I just hate that feeling when you just get to close to someone unintentionally you end up liking them as more than just friends. I never intended to fall for Owen but I guess I did. Just being with him and spending all that time together made me feel stronger about him. Getting to know each other to an intimate level just told me that we knew too much about each other for us not to want more from it. And I did. I really did because I liked him too much.

I 'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I 'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong

We were still in the middle of dancing at that point when Owen sort of stopped. I remember asking him why and he said something like, this was getting too strange. He said he knew we were friends and that maybe we were getting a little too close. Inside I remember think that was unfair. I really liked him and could that have been a hint that maybe he liked me back? He was getting his jacket from the back of the chair as he started to make his way out. I remember calling after him telling him to wait up. He left before I could get my stuff. I casually left leaving the hub as it was. The moment I walked outside though I found Owen waiting for me. He's wrapped his scarf up tight and his collar was pulled up. It was cold and the wind was coming in from the bay. He said we'd better get a cab together since it was already late. We stood by the side of the road. There were hardly any cars on the road but a few passed us aimlessly. We started to talk again as friends. He never mentioned anything about what happened inside the hub and I guess I took that as hint not to myself. We started laughing at each others jokes as ended up sitting together on the pavement. We started to make jokes about the silly little decorations we'd put up and how it was going to be useless tomorrow when we had to take them all down again.

I remember pulling out mistletoe from my handbag which I'd nicked from when we were decorating. I remember making a lame joke about how I'd planned on putting it above my door in case anyone was going to meet me under there. It was a silly idea but he didn't think so. He pulled my hand with the mistletoe above our heads and everything after that seemed to go seconds slower. I could see him lean closer towards me and I must have leaned forwards myself because I could feel our lips touching after that. It was a real kiss and a real kiss from him too.

I want you to come back and carry me home
Away from this long lonely nights
I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too
Does the feeling seem oh so right
And what would you say if I called on you now
And said that I can't hold on
There's no easy way, it gets harder each day
Please love me or I'll be gone, I'll be gone

It lasted longer that I initially thought. Our lips met for that moment and held for a while. He hand had moved from holding mine with the mistletoe above our head to sliding down the side of my face. It was after that moment when he opened his mouth slightly and tilted his head to the other side that's when I realised it was a real kiss. After that I didn't think it was just a kiss between friends. I felt something inside and I supposed he must have as well. The moment we parted I almost felt lost like being in that kiss I knew where I stood but the moment he let go it was like we were just two random people again. I remember muttering about how that felt nice and he spent most of the rest of the time looking at the ground. Our cab came and we both took it. He dropped me home 1st and then went off him self.

I couldn't stop thinking about that for the rest of the night. I felt stupid in the end going back over the details of how everything went but it was alright after that. I left that little bit better about myself and I knew that maybe this was the start of something new.

Oh, what are you thinking of?
What are you thinking of?

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Boxing Day – 8.19pm

You can't help but feel insanely stupid about yourself after it all. I was so happy yesterday and I came into work springing with life. But their always right – if you're not carefully everything could be snatched away from you in seconds. And it did.

He'd asked to talk to me alone in the middle of work. We went in to the conference room together and I feel so silly now thinking that I had so high hopes for something special. He sat me down in one of the chairs but he stayed standing. He mentioned that night and how we both must have been so pissed out of our minds that it must have been playing tricks on ourselves. He remembered the kiss alright but it was what he said after. He said that he enjoyed our kiss but he knew for both our sakes there was nothing could come of it. We were friends and colleagues and that was it. He said we'd stay friends and talk and go out but he didn't want anything formal to come of it. We were just two friends hanging out after work that's all and that the kiss meant nothing. It was just an innocent act of two drunks.

I felt so shattered. I don't know why. Maybe it was the fact that I drew so much from it and our past experiences as friends that I wanted what I couldn't get. I should have seen it the moment that kiss started. It was only going to end like this one way or another. He said we could stay friends but it will never be the same. How am I supposed to go back to acting the same way I used to when my heart's been broken by someone I loved? It'll never be the same now. We'll never be friends again. Not in the same way we used to at least. I love him but I don't know what to do now.

I 'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I 'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong

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A/N: Oh gosh, it sounds so depressing. I even felt sad writing it. Urgh, drawing on my own past experiences as inspiration brings back bad memories. Oh well, at least I'm not as jinxed as Tosh :P Hope you all liked it! Please comment thanks!