Hey everyone. I'm not new to the fanfiction game, but it's been a really long time. I've been getting back into it as a way to unwind and work my way back into writing again. So here I am with a brand new account! This chapter is a lot of set-up so I have room to play in the future, though I don't know how often I'll be updating.
Disclaimer: I've only seen the first 3 seasons of Glee, but I know some gists of what went down. So this will be slightly AU.
Disclaimer #2: If I owned Glee, Faberry would have been endgame and Quinn's character would not have been destroyed by poor writing.
If you wanna talk, we can talk in the morning
I don't even know what you're trying to say, and
If you want to change, change for the better
I don't even know just who you are
"Are you picking me up, or…?" Quinn let her question trail off and waited for Santana's answer, unsure what the plans were. All she knew was that she had decided last minute to get out of New Haven for the weekend and her friends in New York had graciously offered their apartment as her escape. Quinn had thought that moving far away from Lima, Ohio and everyone she had ever known would be the best thing she'd ever done, but she found herself lonely and homesick after a few weeks. So now she sat on a train to NY, stomach still churning.
"Nah, I have to work. Berry will be there to get you. What time are you getting in?" was her friend's response.
Quinn felt her already uneasy stomach flip-flop. She knew that she would be seeing Rachel Berry this weekend, of course, but she had figured it would always be with other people around. The idea of seeing Rachel's smiling face as soon as she stepped off the train was almost overwhelming. She'd had no time to prepare herself, to put on her "Everything is fine" face. Santana must have noticed the loaded silence because she asked her friend what was wrong.
"Nothing," Quinn lied. "Nothing, I'm sorry. I've just been really stressed and worn out lately."
Quinn pulled into Penn Station with a squeal of the breaks and a heavy sigh. Tossing her duffel bag over her shoulder, she set her jaw and joined the crowd filing off the train.
Despite her short stature, Rachel wasn't very hard to find. She smiled shyly but warmly up at Quinn when they made eye contact and they each took an instinctive step towards each other before hesitation set in. Rachel sort of raised her arms to hug Quinn at the same time that Quinn bit her lip and looked away. They laughed at their awkward back-and-forth and both went in for a hug with more conviction.
"Hey!" Rachel squealed excitedly. "I'm so glad you're here!"
"Yeah, thanks for having me," Quinn replied. She shuffled her feet, hitching her bag up her shoulder. "Um, how have you been?"
"I'm doing well." They fell into step beside each other and made their way out of the bustling station. "Work is exhausting and school is ten times worse, but it will all pay off in the end. How are you? I haven't really heard from you much since graduation."
"I'm…okay. Being on my own is harder than I thought. I wasn't sure about coming when Santana invited me to the city for the weekend, but I needed to get away for a bit."
As they stepped out into the bright New York sunshine, Rachel announced that it was too nice to go straight back to the apartment. Since all Quinn had to carry was her duffel bag containing a few changes of clothes, they decided to go for a walk instead. It felt strange for both of them to be wandering around on their own, but not necessarily uncomfortable. They walked a few blocks up and over, carefully avoiding the tourists in Times Square, and settled in at Bryant Park. Quinn waited at a small green table while Rachel ordered coffees from a kiosk.
Quinn took the moment of solitude to try to pull herself together. She always felt this way when she was around Rachel, and worse when they were alone. Her heart constricted painfully in her chest and her stomach seemed to turn itself inside out. Her friendship with Rachel, uneasy and awkward though it may be, was one of the things she cherished most. But the guilt she felt whenever she looked at the small brunette was almost enough to make Quinn want to avoid Rachel at all costs. She never felt so happy and simultaneously so sad as when she was with Rachel.
Rachel returned moments later, setting a caramel macchiato in front of Quinn. She smiled at her.
"How did you know this was my favorite?" Quinn asked.
"I have an excellent memory… Actually it was just a really good guess. I realized when I got over there that I hadn't asked for your order and I was too proud to come crawling back." They both laughed openly and easily. Quinn took a sip of her coffee, feeling herself relax into the chair across from Rachel.
For a few minutes, they sat in comfortable silence, scanning the park for interesting characters to watch while sipping their coffees. Before long Quinn's eyes returned to Rachel. She took in the soft slopes of her features, the gentle waves of her dark hair. She noticed that Rachel was biting her lip ever so slightly and continuously flexing her fingers; she was just as nervous to be here with Quinn as Quinn was to be with her.
"Rachel," Quinn called softly. The girl in question jumped at the sound of her name, turning to Quinn with a vulnerability in her warm eyes.
"Yes?"
"It's… It's good to see you." Rachel let out a breath she hadn't realized she was holding and smiled brightly at Quinn.
"It's lovely to see you too, Quinn," she said. Quinn smiled, but it didn't quite reach her eyes. There was so much sadness in her gaze. "Are you okay?"
"Yes," Quinn answered immediately. She quickly dropped her eyes to the table, breaking the trance-like stare she had held with Rachel. She took a breath and whispered the truth: "No."
Rachel's small hands reached across the table to cover Quinn's. Quinn just had time to notice how impossibly soft Rachel's touch was before she pulled her hands away. She looked up at Rachel, straight into her worried eyes.
"Rachel, why are you friends with me?" Everything was still and silent for a moment. Whatever Rachel had expected Quinn to say, it wasn't that. "I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Moving to New Haven and knowing absolutely no one and having to start over and make friends, it's made me miss the people I had back in Lima. And you."
Rachel leaned back in her chair, chewing the inside of her cheek and carefully measuring out her words.
"We're friends because," she began. "I care about you, Quinn. And I like spending time with you. We hardly ever do, but you are fun to be around. You're caring and protective. Sweet and funny. I like you, and I like being friends with you."
"Rach, I really like being friends with you, too." Rachel's chest tightened at the sound of a nickname falling from Quinn's lips. Quinn took a deep breath. There was so much more she wanted to say, but she was finding it hard to speak for the lump in her throat. Rachel waited patiently, but no more words came.
"Quinn, what's wrong?" Quinn closed her eyes tight, and when she opened them again a few stray tears leaked out. She wiped them away, apologizing almost angrily. This was not how she wanted the day to go, and it exactly why she was hesitant about using her rail pass in the first place.
"I really like being friends with you, but I feel like I don't deserve you. I know I don't. Not after everything I've done." Quinn was struggling hard to remain in control now. "You've never even asked for an explanation. You're just so forgiving."
Rachel was quiet for a long time. She cradled her coffee between her hands, staring at the lid without really seeing it. When she spoke, it was in the detached tone of someone searching for the right words. Rachel Berry never found herself as speechless as she was around Quinn.
"I don't need an explanation, or even an apology," she finally said. Quinn focused on keeping her breathing even as she hung to every word Rachel said. "I can see it for what it was. We were kids. You weren't the first person to ever bully me and you certainly won't be the last. But with you, I could always see through it, and I always…"
Rachel didn't finish her sentence. It hung between them, heavy with the sound of unspoken feelings. Quinn longed for her to continue. In her mind, she begged Rachel to say the words she hoped to hear, the validation she craved. But instead Rachel just seemed to shake herself off and take a sip of her coffee.
"Anyway, it's in the past," she said definitively. "We've become friends and I like it much better this way."
Quinn nodded, wiping her eyes dry. With one clear of her throat and a toss of her hair, she turned off the turmoil of feelings and changed the subject to Rachel's classes at NYADA. She listened to the other girl's happy babble with a smile on her face and a familiar ache in her heart.
"Are we going to talk about it?" Santana asked. Her voice was firm, but caring. Quinn rubbed her sleep-deprived eyes. She had just stumbled out of Santana's bedroom, which she was sharing with the Latina for the weekend.
"Talk about what?" she tried. Santana threw a glance at the closed bathroom door where Rachel was in the shower.
"About how you spent half the night crying into my favorite pillow."
Quinn followed her friend's earlier gaze and checked the bathroom door. Rachel was still in the shower, singing loudly to the joy/displeasure of all the neighbors. Quinn smiled subconsciously. Santana sighed and stood up from her seat at the kitchen table.
"I'll get you a towel," she said, placing a comforting hand on Quinn's shoulder as she passed. "You can take the next shower."
If you're gonna lie, you better lie a little better
I can still see who you are inside
If you want to change, change for the better
I don't even know just who are
Song credits: "Hello, Hello" by Thomas Wesley Stern.
They're a local band near where I live and I highly recommend taking a listen to some of their music.