A/N: Don't ask how or why this was written because I don't even know lol But, this song and idea came from The Muppets: Most Wanted movie that came out last year or so.
I was listening to this song once and I realized that my beautiful Josh Groban sang a part of this song, Big House. A lot of people say that Josh Groban sounds like Hans/Santino Fontana (mostly when he sings Hans' freaking theme song, Where I Want To Be) and I agree that they sound a bit similar. So, I got the weird idea to have Elsa sing this to Hans as he was going to jail or something.
Listen to the song while reading this, if you want. It makes it funnier. This is just a one-shot! ENJOY!The italicized words are when Elsa sings and the bold, italicized are when Hans sings, briefly. :D
Hans arrived from the Southern Isles to be imprisoned in Arendelle. Two guards brought him before Elsa, and she couldn't help but feel good about him being imprisoned. He arrived with his dark gray cloak and his hands handcuffed in front of him. His face was filthy.
"Welcome, Hans, to your new home." she smiled.
"How exciting." he replied, dully.
"It's not so bad. In fact, it's better than being homeless."
"Oh, I'm sure it is." he said, nearly spitting out the words.
"Need proof? Hit it, boys." she said to the guards and prisoners.
"This is Norway's premier state funded hotel
We're very proud of our eclectic clientele
Excellence in service since 1832
Don't believe what you read in the online reviews." she sang, smugly.
She pulled him by his shackles through the halls. The prisoners gave him filthy grins and he smiled back nervously.
They all sang,
"It's the Big House
The perfect getaway."
Hans grimaced as he saw a few rats run past him.
"Welcome into the Big House. You'll never get away." Elsa sang, as she wiggled her finger at Hans. He rolled his eyes and she smirked.
It's no Hilton or no Hyatt."
Elsa shrugged and smiled, "But you will have a riot."
"So please enjoy your stay."
She dragged him by the arm into the jail cafeteria. Many prisoners were eating from small bowls.
"Here's the dining room the menu is minimal.
What the cook does to the food..is criminal."
Elsa showed a bowl to Hans and he saw nothing but a plop of gray sludge inside. He flinched from disgust and nearly vomited. A prisoner came up behind him and pulled him into a chair.
"Pull up a seat, babe, grab yourself a stool
May I recommend you try our famous gruel."
A prisoner snuck up behind Hans shoved his head into a bowl of sludge.
"In the Big House,
You'll never be alone."
Hans accidentally bumped into a prisoner and smiled nervously. Before the prisoner could attack him, Elsa dragged Hans along with her.
"Life ain't bad in the Big House.
No, baby, no."
Elsa taunted Hans with a slip that prisoners use when they check out of the prison. He tried to grab it, but she held it too high from his reach.
"Check out after ten,
Or eleven years
Make yourself at home."
They proceeded to walk through the prison halls, as Elsa showed him where prisoners are put for bad behavior.
"Accommodation here is...far superior than anything else you will find in Norway." Elsa bragged.
Finally, she showed him a small metal shed that was dark and cold inside. It was where prisoners went for a "timeout" time for bad behavior. A guard opened it and Elsa glanced at Hans, putting a hand on his shoulder.
"Let me know if there's anything you need. Everything is free, money back guaranteed." she said, shoving him inside the shed.
Once the door closed, Hans was surrounded by darkness.
"In the Big House you will not survive. When you arrive in the Big House, run for your life!"
Hans burst out of the shed in a panic and all the prisoners laughed aloud. Meanwhile, Elsa made trumpet noises with her mouth and pretended to chase her backup singing prisoners. A large spotlight followed their movement. Hans appeared and he was still freaked out from the shed. Elsa pretended to chase him and he ran. Then, she caught up with him, and helped the shaken prince back into the prison halls.
Elsa sang with her arms in the air, as the prisoners lifted her off the floor. Hans just stared with no words, since this prison was not what he expected.
"It's the Big House.
The perfect getaway.
Welcome into the Big House."
From her sleeve, Elsa took out a key and waved in front of Hans' face.
"You'll never get away.
For your security,
I'll keep the only key."
Then, she pushed Hans into his own cell and he fell to the floor.
"Now please enjoy your stay!"
Hans sighed. "I hate my life."
"Make yourself comfortable because you're going to be here for a long, long time." Elsa smiled.
"Do I have to sing with the rest of the prisoners when another prisoner shows up?" Hans smirked.
Elsa frowned and turned to leave the prison. Hans sighed and stared at his cuffed hands.
"Lights out!" Elsa yelled.
Suddenly, the jail went dark and a loud crashing sound filled the halls.
"Turn on the lights again, I can't see anything." Elsa's voice said, filled with pain.
The lights went on and she stood up from the floor. Hans had to cover his mouth to keep from laughing.
"You're supposed to wait until I'm out of the hall!" Elsa scolded, as she walked out.