Kieren, out of all the ways he imagined this moment, wasn't quite expecting it to be in the back of a bar. Yet, there it was. There he was. Rick.
His Rick.
Despite the odd spot, all the emotions he expected to have suddenly rushed through him. It felt like he was just meeting Rick, but also like he'd known Rick for a million years. He felt every emotion possible, and yet couldn't name any for the life of him.
"Rick." Kieren managed to say, throat suddenly too dry to form words.
His eyes raked over the man before him. He was exactly like he remembered accept much more scars... and his eyes. Such different eyes. Not the eyes Kieren fell in love with.
His smile faded.
Kieren could see his whole story in Rick's eyes, the loss of hope in them like a sun long ago set. He could see the scars on his heart and wondered where the one he loved was. Where was that whole and beating heart that he loved?
Their eyes met and Ren finally dared to approach the not-quite-Rick. His skin was cold, at least they still had something in common.
A silent conversation passed through them and Kieren left the bar with Rick following to find a more private place to have a conversation. They needed to talk about everything and nothing at all. Kieren needed just to hear him speak, to know that his Rick was still in there.
They walked until their feet started to ache (or would have if either had pain receptors) and ended up in the woods. Near the cave in fact.
Kieren started, deciding it was best to just get his feelings out there. "Rick… I'm so happy that you're back. More happy than you could ever imagine. When you left… it was like a part of me was gone. A huge part. Honestly, it was the worst years of my life. I was so… so detached. I just felt empty and cold."
He paused, looking up at Rick. Rick smiled, a sign that he had had similar feelings. Kieren took assurance in that and pushed on.
"I know you, Rick. And, and I think you've … you look like a stranger."He murmured. "It hurts, really, to see you so close, but know you're far away. You're acting like what we had never happened because of your dad… because of the war?" He longed to touch Rick's cheek. "What happened… where are you now?"
They sat in silence for a moment, neither one of them brave enough to make eye contact.
Rick swallowed and began to speak. "You're… right, Ren."
Just his voice, even with word like that, made Kieren's heart stutter. "I am?"
"I'm not the same and... I never will be. Everything now, it feels like a pointless game to me, even back then when we were in love, it was only a game of make believe. I lost my purpose a long time ago." Knowing his words were like knives, he offered Kieren a weak smile and reached for his hand,
Kieren pulled away like he was burnt and didn't smile back. His chest felt tight.
Rick elaborated further. "I did love you, Kieren. I still love you, but with the way we are now, the way everything is now, I couldn't bear to be with you."
Kieren pressed his lips together tightly. He didn't think he could manage to get the words out if he wanted to, even if he knew what to say. All the years of suffering without him… He wanted to cry and scream and kick something, but he sat. Because he knows that this was likely to be the last conversation he had with Rick. At least the last one that mattered.
Rick went on, knowing it would hurt Kieren, but it had to be said. "All of the reasons I fell in love with you still hold true. You're kind and caring and everything I wished I was. You made me feel like I wasn't in a god damn cage. You made me feel like I mattered... you still do. And you matter to me. I'm a better person because of you."
Rick tried to keep his head up as he retold some of his fondest memories of Kieren. He explained why each one meant so much, how each one touched him in a way that nothing else could.
"And I knew the second I saw you today what you were thinking. It hurt to see you look right through me like I'm a ghost, even if I am one."
Kieren took a shaky breath and finally found his voice. "I don't want this to end. I want to be able to see you all the time, talk with you about whatever is on our minds, just have you near me. It's the only thing that's been driving me forwards and at the same time it's been cutting me down. I want us to be how we were. I've been clinging on to this for years, and now it's slipping away and I don't know how to live without it." His voice broke, and he quickly stopped talking. He had expected this, but wasn't prepared for the pain.
He cleared his throat. "Please… this can't be the last time I talk to you."
Rick nodded slowly, but sighed. "It won't be, but we'll never be more than friends now." He looked up at him. He didn't want to hurt him. "We can be the best of friends." He suggested as if it wouldn't feel like their hearts being crushed every time they passed each other on the street.
The next two words he had to force out. "I… understand." He did all he could to make Rick stay, but the end of this was inevitable.
"I don't understand, why are you doing this?" Kieren demanded, standing between Rick and the car he was about to get into.
"I told you, I'm not doing this. It's my dad, he's making me go." Rick repeated for the nth time that day. "Please move, Ren."
"No. No! This isn't fair to either of us!" Kieren was fuming, though not at Rick. Just at fate. "Just don't go. Tell them you're not going."
"I can't do that. You know I can't." Despite the situation, Rick had managed to keep a calm tone, for Kieren's sake.
"I don't care! I'll tell him myself!"
"Ren… look. Look at me." He said sternly. "Even if I could stay, my dad would just find some other place to haul me off to. He'd still send me away."
"Well it wouldn't be to a bloody war zone!" Kieren shouted, almost as quickly shutting his mouth embarrassedly.
Rick sighed, putting down his duffle bag and putting his hands on Kieren's shoulders. "I know you're upset right now, I know this hurts, but it hurts me too." Kieren refused to look Rick in the eye as he spoke. "There won't be a day that goes by when I won't think of you, alright?"
When Kieren didn't respond, Rick moved him enough so he could head to the car. He rolled down the window to speak to the other man, maybe for the last time. "It's not over, okay. We're going to be fine. I'm going to come back and we'll be together, just as we should."
Kieren's fists were clenched at his side, tears managing to escape him as he blinked hard. "It's not fair." He muttered again.
"Life isn't fair, big boy. Training wheels off now, you're going to be fine." He offered Kieren a smile as the engine started. "Oh, and Ren?"
He looked up, heart seizing.
He paused, face softening. "...You know what I was going to say." Rick smiled and the car pulled away, leaving Kieren standing there in the road.
Kieren put his head in his hands, hiding his face. Rick got up, kissed his forehead, and began to walk away. Kieren started to sobbing as he heard the leaves crunching under Rick's departing footsteps.
Rick just walked, listening to the man cry and whispering sorry, sorry, sorry, until it was just the breeze and not words.