A week had passed since he'd left. He hadn't called anyone from home since he'd been there and it didn't make sense. She lay in bed on that Friday evening next to Archie, her heart heavy and her thoughts jumbled like they had been ever since he'd gone.
"How could he leave without saying goodbye to meh?" She asked Archie. His father was still being a bit odd so he decided it'd be more comfortable to be elsewhere for the weekend and had come home with Rae after college.
"Maybe he couldn't. Maybe it was too hard." He replied, staring at the ceiling above him.
"I didn't even know he was really leavin', and definitely not the morning after he came to see meh, for fuck's sake." At this, Archie turned curiously on his side, propping his head on his elbow and facing Rae.
"He came to see ya?"
Rae nodded slowly. "Yeah. Said he was thinkin' of movin' away. Not that he was goin'." She told him. "He wanted to know if he had a reason to stay and then the next mornin', he's gone."
"Right, well what reason did ya give him?" He asked, sitting up in the bed and Rae followed suit. She shrugged slowly as they sat up against the wall behind her bed.
"Ah didn't give him one. I had to get ready for that shit party I went to with Chlo that night. I told him we'd talk about it more later." She explained. Archie was quiet for a moment, his eyes narrowing as he thought.
"Wait, how exactly did he ask about 'a reason to stay'?" Archie edged on.
"Erm, he said 'I haven't got a reason to stay, have I?'"
"Was he lookin' at ya when he asked that?"
"Yes."
"Rae!" he suddenly exclaimed.
"What?"
"He was talking about you, Rae. It was you." Archie said, as if it was something she should understand.
"What are you talkin' about?"
"You were the reason, Rae!" He told her. "He came here to hear ya say that you'd care if he left."
Her heart dropped into her stomach as he spoke.
"Bu—but what about you? He's leaving you and the gang behind, too."
"There's no gang, Rae. And anyway, I've got you. You've got Chloe and Izzy's got the both of ya. Chop's still got his mates on the team, I suppose. Everyone's got someone, Rae. And he had you. And then he didn't. I think he wanted you to tell him to stay."
"But I don't want him to stay for meh; I want him to be happy."
"He was happy, Rae. "
"What do you mean?"
"He was happier than I'd seen him in a while when he was with you. We could all see it, really." Archie told her and her eyes shut at the words. "He was happy. Now he's just runnin'."
The realization hit her like a ton of bricks wrapped in another ton of bricks. Finn Nelson would've stayed for me. She thought. It was a hard thought to process. Even harder now because now was already gone. She looked down at her hands as tears swelled.
"I just couldn't handle it." She mumbled. "People would stare at us at college. I didn't want people judgin' him cos he was with me. I thought I was helpin' him."
"By splittin' up with him?"
"Yeah. Thought I was doin' him a favor. I didn't think I'd hurt him. I didn't think he actually—,"
"—loved you?" Archie interjected. Her gaze moved quickly to Archie's face at the words and he was already looking at her.
"It doesn't make sense, Archie."
"To who?"
"To people—to the world," she said as she turned away.
"Fuck the world, Rae! You had someone who—who loved every piece of ya. Too often people put conditions on love and that wasn't the case for him. You were lucky." He told her. And the past tense of his words was breaking her into pieces. She caught the falling tear as it fell, her head suddenly pounding.
"You talk like it's too late," she said quietly, wrapping her arms around her body. "Do ya think it's too late?" She asked him. Archie shrugged.
"I think there's only one way to find out."
Her wide eyes darted back to Archie immediately, brows tense.
"What are'ya sayin', Arch?" She asked, and he was almost answering her before she could even finish.
"I'm sayin', get packin'." He told her, his hand covering hers on her lap, eyes locked with hers. Her mouth fell open slightly as she understood.
"Archie," she said slowly.
"It's only six o'clock," he told her, checking his watch for accuracy. "We'll be there by nine, I'd say."
"But it's—I haven't got any money to give ya for gas and such. I don't even know where he lives. I just—I can't let ya drive me."
"Rae, this isn't just about you. He's my best mate and he's not got his head on straight—runnin' off like this. I'll take ya anywhere if it means he'll be alrigh." He squeezed her hand and looked at her, reassurance in his eyes. "Pack."
It turned out that Archie had been to Finn's uncle's house before when they were fifteen—they'd spent a week there for the summer, so he remembered where to go. Rae didn't even have the mind to lie to her mom about where she was going. She only told her the truth—that she needed to see him, that she couldn't take having him away from her like this.
"You'd want to do the same if it were Karim, mum." She told her as she sat at the dining room table across from her, Archie leaning on the doorway behind her. "Remember what ya told me? That'd you do everything ya could to not mess it up because he's special?" She said. And Linda only nodded. "Finn's special, too, mum. He's special to meh and I messed it up. I need to know if there's anything else I can do to fix it. I need t—,"
"Go," Linda interrupted. Rae blinked. "Go get him." She told her. Jumping from her seat, Rae grinned as she hugged her mom.
"Thank you." She said into her shoulder, her mom's hand rubbing her back. They'd never been a hugging family but it was the only thing that felt right for Rae to do.
It was about 6:30 when they hit the road. Archie drove as safely and quickly as he could, humming and singing along to certain songs that played on the stereo. Rae was quiet—thinking. She didn't know what she would say. She only knew that she had to say something. She couldn't keep her feelings to herself anymore.
They arrived sooner than she'd thought they would. Too soon. Before she knew it, Archie was opening her door for her, waving his hand in front her eyes to bring her back to earth.
"Rae!" he called. Her eyes closed for a moment and then opened as she came back to awareness. She looked at him. "We're here, come on." He told her. She breathed in and out slowly and then she stepped out of the car. Things were moving much too quickly. Archie had already knocked on the door, and suddenly it was opening, and a man who looked a bit like Mr. Nelson, only a bit taller, was opening the door. He recognized Archie and hugged him after they'd walked in. She was sure that he had introduced them because she had shaken his hand but it was like she couldn't hear them. As her eyes darted around the room quickly, looking for Finn, she could only hear him. Well, not specifically him—but she could hear his music flowing from the hall. Her head cocked to the side as she listened and her heart swelled when the lyrics became clear.
I always wanted you to go
Into Spaceman.
She laughed lightly and shook her head.
"That's the stupidest song," she said, almost to herself. Archie and Finn's uncle looked at her, their eyes narrowed in confusion. But she was already walking down the hall. It was almost like she was unaware of the fact that she was moving, following the music to his door. And then she was knocking. She still had no idea what she would say. And suddenly her heart was beating quickly and her breathing was heavier as she realized she had no idea what she was doing. She was thinking too much, breathing too deeply. She was hyperventilating, her thoughts were unclear. It was like she was outside of her body. And then the music had stopped and his door was opening, his eyes widening as he found her there—her breathing visibly out of control. She couldn't believe he was standing in front of her. Somehow he looked different to her. He was still Finn but he wasn't just gorgeous, epitome of horn, Finn. He was Finn who loved her, who she found she couldn't live without. And she still had no idea what to say. At this point she wasn't sure if she could actually speak. There was only one thing she knew she was capable of doing.
"Rae—," He began, but before he could say another word, she was covering his mouth with hers. He was still only for a moment before he responded, his lips massaging against hers, hand grasping the back of her head as he pulled her further into the room. He used his foot to kick the door closed behind her. And then she was pressed against the wall, their lips still locked, and his other hand moving up the entire length of the side of her body to her face to mirror the other hand that was already caressing her cheek. She'd missed him and his lips more than she could've imagined. She thought then that maybe if he'd just grabbed her and kissed her on that one painful not on his porch, she would've easily reconsidered. They kissed for what seemed like minutes before she pulled away. Their foreheads rested against each other, his eyes opening slowly as his thumbs caressed the soft skin of her cheeks. Her hand stroked the hair on back of his neck as she looked up at him, their eyes meeting, and his expression soft.
"You love me," she said. He breathed in deeply and nodded slowly.
"I love you," he confirmed.
"You meant it." She whispered as tears formed in her eyes.
"I did," he said. She wrapped her arms around him, taking in his scent, the way his arms feel tight around her, the touch of his hands on her back again—every part of him that she'd missed so much. And then she pulled back and looked into his eyes, uttering through tears,
"I love you, too. So much. And I'm so sorry I didn't believe ya." She told him, taking his hands from her cheeks and into hers.
"It's ok," he began as their hands intertwined. "I just don't understand why ya didn't believe me. Did I do somethin' to make ya unsure of meh?"
"No, Finn, it's not—it's not you." She told him, looking down at her feet as she shook her head. "It was never you." She continued, releasing his hands and moving to take a seat on his bed.
"Then what was it?" He asked her, taking a seat next to her, his hand covering hers on the bed.
"It was me. It was me who made myself unsure. I was confused. I just didn't understand why anyone would want to be with meh—let alone someone like you."
Finn's eyes narrowed.
"Someone like me? Who do you think I am, Rae? What do'ya think, I'm perfect?" Rae only shrugged. "I'm not. And that's not the image I want you to have of meh." He told her, shaking his head. "I'm not perfect. No one is. You've got no reason to feel like you're not good enough for meh—for anyone. You're funny and beautiful and just—I loved being 'round ya. I felt lucky to have ya, Rae."
Lucky? She thought. To be with me?
"Bu—but everyone would stare. I didn't want people givin' you shit cos you were walkin' around with meh. I'm not one to show off to the world, you know?"
"Says who?" He asked rhetorically. "Rae, you've got no idea how proud I was to have ya. I don't care what people say about us, I never have. I just wanted to be with ya. I'm sorry that I thought that was enough." He said, looking away from her. She shook her head, feeling silly for not realizing that it should've been enough.
"No, I'm sorry. For letting the world and my thoughts get to me. I shouldn't have doubted ya. You just have no idea how hard it is for me to believe that someone could be attracted to me, and love me?" She shook her head. "Seems impossible." She muttered.
"Well it's not, Rae. And I want to prove it to ya for as long as I can but I can't put myself on the line again. How do I know that—that when ya start getting down again, ya won't leave me out of it? How do I know you won't dump me again?" He asked. He turned to face her directly, taking her hand into his. "Rae I want us to talk to each other. I need ya to tell me when you're feelin' uncertain about us. I know I won't always say the right thing but I just—I want ya to know that you're not alone, even when ya feel like ya are. I know you've got stuff that I can't always relate to but I want ya to tell me anyway. I just want to be there for ya." He told her, his hand reaching up to stroke her cheek with his thumb. "Will ya promise?" He asked her. She bit her lip as she breathed deeply and nodded. She'd always thought things would be better if she didn't tell him what she was thinking—but in the end it had been the demise of their relationship. She wouldn't let it happen again.
"I promise." She told him. And then his smile that made her heart jump spread across his lips. He kissed her softly once and shortly before kissing her again, this time longer and a bit harder. It was the most passionate kiss they'd ever had—months' worth of feelings and things that had never been said. She'd told him what she needed to tell him and he'd told her what he wanted from her. And she suddenly as his tongue entered her mouth; she knew what she wanted, too. She'd never known she was brave enough to start unbuttoning his shirt for him, but it was happening. He stopped kissing her as she did so, his eyes locking with hers as his brows furrowed.
"Are you sure?" He asked.
"Yes," she replied quickly as she removed his shirt completely and dropped it to the ground. Because she never had been more sure, really. He kissed her again, standing and then bending front of her, placing his hands on either side of her on the mattress, prompting her to move backwards. She moved back to lay flat on the bed against the headboard, with him on top of her, his mouth still moving against hers. And then his lips landed on her neck, kissing it softly as his hand move beneath her shirt. She winced slightly at his touch—waiting for him to pull his hand back out and look at her in disgust. But he didn't. He continued slowly, feeling every part of her. And then he was pulling her shirt up and over her head. She closed her eyes as he did so, afraid to see his face when he saw her bare skin.
"Rae," she heard him say. And her eyes opened slowly. "Don't," he said simply. And then her skin was tingling beneath the trail of kisses he left from the bottom of her stomach and all the way up to her bra. He pulled each strap of her bra down, kissing the flesh beneath it each side at a time. She sat up and onto her elbows so that he could reach his arms around her and unclasp her bra. When her breast were free, her bra joining his shirt on the floor, his eyes were colored with something like lust, and his hands cupped as much of them as they could. Her nipples hardened beneath his hands and her breath hitched as his fingers grazed over them. He kissed one of them softly first, but a soft moan escaped her when his mouth covered it, sucking slowly and then licking. She saw his nostrils flare a bit at the sound of her. Then he tugged at her nipple again, his eyes on her, rousing that same noise from her once more—he obviously liked the way she sounded. She was wriggling beneath him as he continued this torture on the other one, her head bending back and her mouth falling open silently. She felt a twinge of disappointment when his lips left her skin.
Not much time was wasted removing her pants and panties. There's a point that is reached where insecurity is replaced only with desire, and Rae had reached that point. She was already too engulfed in the lingering sensation his mouth had left on her to be nervous about him seeing her legs. He stepped off of the bed to remove his pants and she watched as he bared himself completely. Her eyes roamed over his body, taking in every piece of him, and when she looked up at his face, she found him doing the same thing to her—his eyes wandering her body hungrily as he stepped out of his jeans. She felt exposed and open and sexy beneath his gaze. She watched him retrieve a condom from his almost still completely packed suitcase in front of his closet, roll it over his length, and then retreat to the bed again. He climbed in between her, leaning in to kiss her and lifting and bending her legs by the knee simultaneously. His kissed her deeply as his hand move down to touch her sex. She could feel how wet she was and she knew he could, too. She watched him inhale slowly as he touched her, hand moving softly against her clit. She was squirming underneath him, biting her lip to keep from screaming. Her legs were shaking when he stopped—she didn't know if it was because she was nervous or because she was aching for him, or a combination of both. Either way, he noticed.
"Okay?" He asked, brows furrowed.
"Yeah—I'm alright," She told him through a smile. He smiled back and nodded at her and then he was positioning himself to enter her. Her breath caught as he filled her, her eyes widening and his eyes rolling as he inhaled through his teeth. She felt a small pinch as she spread to accommodate his width but more than anything, she felt like every molecule in her body had come to surface. And watching his expression as he entered her only heightened the sensation. He was still for a moment, his eyes locked on hers and his hand in her hair, caressing her softly.
"Ready?" He asked softly. And she nodded quickly because fuck yes. Then he kissed her gently and unhurriedly, slowly exiting her at the same time. Her eyes opened and her mouth parted from his as he pulled out gradually and entered her again—over and over—each time bringing less pain and more unbelievable pleasure. She could hear the sounds of her whimpering and moaning quietly but she couldn't feel herself making them. All she could feel was him all around her, filling her again and again. He leaned down closer to her, his hands moving up the either of her outer thighs and pulling her legs to wrap them around his hips. A loud moan escaped her as the position pushed him deeper; he kissed her quickly and hard to muffle her, still moving inside of her. She was on the edge, and hearing him groan quietly as he thrust into her only pushed her closer and closer until, after a while, she was falling off, a strangled moan/swear leaving her lips as she came. He moved more slowly and purposefully for a moment more, her body still writhing with pleasure, and then she felt his release. She lifted her head to kiss him hard, her hands curling into his hair. With their lips parting, he fell to the side of her breathlessly and pulled out. She was the happiest she'd probably ever been, cuddled up next to him after he made her feel things she never thought she would—after she'd thought she'd never see him again. She took his hand into hers, kissing the back of it softly before turning it around. And then her fingertip was moving against his palm slowly, forming the words that she knew she should've said a week ago.
S-T-A-Y W-I-T-H M-E.
