i farted and this came out lmao enjoy
To begin with, no one had ever exactly called Stan the brightest crayon in the sixty-four pack. As a baby his favorite game had been to knock his head against the bars of his crib until it hurt bad enough to cry. As a toddler he had eaten bugs, glue, and bugs dunked in a zesty glue dip. And as a preschooler it took him a whole week to realize his new best friend Kyle had been a girl the entire time they'd known each other.
Things first began to take a turn for the suspicious when Kyle showed up to class in a dress.
"What's that?" Stan asked. He had gotten to class early and started setting up a skyscraper of blocks for desperate Barbies to make suicide leaps off of.
"What's what?" Kyle trotted over to Stan's side and immediately started adding new branches to the metropolis of the damned. This was why Stan liked Kyle. The dude showed an initiative that perfectly complemented his own.
"Your… that", Stan said gesturing to all of Kyle.
"My- oh. That that." Kyle scowled, nose scrunching up. Stan's best pal sported a cute dress in a pale yellow with two big pockets that looked like ducks on the front. The color clashed horribly with Kyle's lime green ushanka. "Ugh, dude, you won't believe it. My mom made me wear this. My aunt and cousins are, like, coming to visit or something and we all have to take photos as soon I get picked up".
Stan could sympathize with crappy family photos – last month he had to take some pictures with Shelley at the mall. They posed with oversized blocks and Shelley had been pinching him the entire time. It was pure torture. Still, at least his mom hadn't forced him into a dress. Stan tried for a conciliatory "That sucks dude. Hey, want to knock this down and go make little Barbie nooses with our shoelaces? We can hang them in the girl's cubbyholes!"
Come snack time though and Stan was side-eyeing Kyle once again.
Everything had been going well so far. The Barbie gallows had been strung up accordingly, earning a few shrieks from the girls and the daily worried glance from the teacher's assistant. Kenny had kicked Cartman in the ass after the fattie told everyone that Clyde Donovan's uncle's friend's brother had seen Kenny's dad scrapping road-kill off the street, presumably to feed Kenny's poor as fuck family. And if anybody found a problem with Kyle's dress they hadn't said it out loud.
Kyle had laughed and rolled eyes as the situation demanded, occasionally engaging Stan in a fierce kicking battle under the tables. But then there were the little things, stuff Stan would never have noticed until the dress. The way Kyle scratched a star instead of a penis onto the side of the table. The way Kyle used art time to fill in his nails with purple washable marker. But most damningly of all, the way Kyle had daintily wiped his mouth with a napkin after eating his Chips Ahoy at snack time.
Stan couldn't take it anymore. He slammed his hand on the table hard enough to upset Cartman's fizzy soda.
"Dude! Why are you acting like this!?"
Kyle looked over him like he was insane while Cartman sputtered in indignation over his spilled drink. "Like what!? You've been acting like a total weirdo today!"
"You're acting, you're acting like – like a total GIRL!"
It was at this moment Stan realized just how quiet the classroom had become. Everyone was looking at him and even Cartman had quit his bitching. You could have heard a butterfly fart in silence like this. Kyle blinked at Stan, opened his mouth to say something, closed then opened it again. Stan began to hysterically think that this was where Kyle revealed that he was part-fish all along and each of today's oddities had just been an attempt to throw people off his fishy trail.
"Stan…" Kyle began, speaking very slowly. "Stan, I am a girl".
And so Stan threw up.
