A/N: This is almost entirely pointless and utterly ridiculous, but I enjoyed writing it. If y'all don't like that, you can S my D.
I hope this isn't OOC, I tried to keep them in character the best I could considering the, erm, topics...
This is also in a slightly different writing style compared to my other Kuroshitsuji story, but maybe it's just because I'm writing (attempted) humour.
Disclaimer: Kuroshitsuji, nor any of it's characters belong to me, same goes for any implied songs, stories, etc. Any bashing of songs/images/pairing/fetishes/fanfictions/Yana Toboso/etc is entirely Ciel and Sebastian's opinions, not mine. Poor Ciel, so unaware of us Fangirls :3 for now at least.
Note: To prevent confusion, this is not technically A/U, perhaps Alternate Reality. It's set after season two, about 123 years later (in 2011). Or at least my version of what would happen XD
**Warning: Not beta'd**
August 28, 2011
London
"Oh my," chuckled the demon, his trademark smirk etched across his lips. The other immortal looked up and gravely wondered if the former butler was looking up cat related material again.
"Do I want to know?" Ciel's voice sounded bored while equally uninterested eyes shifted back to his book.
Sebastian smiled, "Only if you want to be forever disturbed." And in a lower voice he said, "You've always been so sensitive, little one."
At this, Ciel raised his eyebrow and could feel mild curiosity bloom, "Quite frankly, I am disturbed by your mere presence everyday."
"Why ever would that be?" Sebastian sounded hurt, but Ciel didn't pay heed to the false tone.
Ciel huffed and went back to his book, "Hmm, I don't know." A half glare was flashed at the other, "Perhaps when you start singing that bloody Nyan Cat song, or telling me in the middle of the night that you can 'make my bedrock'—which you certainly do not have permission to do."
"You can blame pop-culture for that," Sebastian went back to the computer and continued to smirk.
"At least we are in your post-Cher obsession." Ciel grumbled in an almost sulky manner. "Pop-culture my ass."
Not even looking from the screen, Sebastian sighed a muttered his daily scolding, "Language."
"Oh balls to you."
A silence fell between the two, the only sounds being clicking from Sebastian's key board and the occasional flip of a page; after a few more minutes past before the raven haired devil began to chuckle again.
Ciel finally gave in and set down his book with a deliberate thud. "Alright, what are you doing?"
"Come here." Was the simple reply and Ciel found himself split between annoyance and interest. Although, Ciel felt all colour from his face drain at the image on the computer screen.
"What the—Is that us?"
"Indeed. It seems that today's generation is rather," another dark giggle, "imaginative."
Ciel felt yet again torn—though this time it was between wanting to rip his eyes away from that image and then followed by thoroughly rinsing his brain out with bleach that he knew laid somewhere beneath the sink, or gawping until his eyes melted into their sockets. Both sounded entirely possible. Sebastian clicked on the next imagine, and both demons craned their necks in unison to view the drawing better.
"That looks as though it would be fun," Sebastian mused more to himself, "Painful, but fun."
Ciel whipped his head around to gape at the grinning devil, "What in name of the Queen possessed you to look up these types of things?"
Sebastian thought for a moment, "Curiosity." He moved onto the next image—said picture causing Ciel to pale even more (if possible).
"Why...is that Pluto?" Ciel shrieked, his mouth agape with a look of pure horror took over his features. "What is he doing to me?"
Sebastian sighed, seeming unfazed by the explicit drawing. "I would hope after all these years that you would know what the act of intercourse would look like."
"Not with a dog!"
Sebastian hummed and continued to flip though the gallery of pictures, while Ciel nearly passed out from overload.
"Don't they know this is considered pedophilia?"
"I believe the correct term is shota-con."
"Would you just shut it already." Ciel took the mouse from the older demon. "I told you experimenting with that crazy Asian lady would come back to haunt us."
"Oh, Yana?" Sebastian cocked his head, smiling at the memory. "How was I supposed to know she would witness our Cinematic Records and thus make a manga out of them?"
The ignorant statement was received with a venomous glare. "I hate you and all of your supernatural acquaintances'"
"So cruel," Sebastian teased, "I love you too."
The slate haired demon ignored the other and clicked on the other tab that Sebastian had on his web browser. 'Fanfiction' it read. Oh dear lord of darkness, Ciel thought, please don't be what I think this is.
Of course, Ciel's gut feeling was usually right, and this was no exception. Plastered across the internet page were thousands of different stories pertaining to the past lives of Ciel, Sebastian and other associating 'characters.' To put the cherry on top, Sebastian just so happened to be in the mature section.
"These people are probably no older than I was before I eternally damned!" Ciel exclaimed, almost annoyed. "Hormonal, sexually repressed teenagers with nothing better than to sit and write this...this... blasphemy!"
"Now, little one," Sebastian sighed, "we mustn't judge a person so. For all you know, these writers could be adults with children of their own, merely writing to improve...or something."
"These so called 'writers' are smearing the Phantomhive name left, right, and center!"
"Mind your temper," Sebastian lightly slapped Ciel's hand from the mouse in the same manner one would to a child who touched something they should not. "Your height isn't the only thing that is short."
A low grumble was heard from the slate haired boy, "Just because you see an easy opportunity to mock me doesn't mean you should take it."
"Don't be sour. It's unbecoming of an earl." The elder typed an address into the browser, hoping to perhaps smooth his charge's ill-fated temperament with a neutral website—like Google.
"Ex-earl."
"Oh? So we've finally gotten over our pride?" Sebastian taunted. "It would certainly be nice to have a civil conversation with an adult demon for once in a hundred years."
"Don't patronize me," Ciel sulked, "Douchebag."
"Perhaps not." Sebastian moved from the chair— to which Ciel promptly took residence in—and went over to the small kitchen. He opened the fridge, mildly disturbed by a mystery concoction on the first shelf but deduced that it had probably came from The Undertaker's lab –or rather The Coiffeur as per his pseudonym nowadays. (The odd shinigami had taken up a hobby of a freelance scientist in addition to being a hairdresser—those ladies sure liked to gossip about the morbid-est of things behind their magazines.)
"Sebastian," Ciel called from the computer, "would you be so kind as to explain why when I type in the letter 'C', the second option in Google's auto search is catnip tequila?"
The raven haired man laughed, "Ah, you are still only a child; you need not to know about things like that."
"Sebastian," Ciel turned around to frown at the other, "Stop talking nonsense. Why don't you do something useful?"
"And what do you suggest I do, Young Master?" Emphasising the title, Sebastian gave a mock bow and tilted his head.
"I'm hungry." He stated flatly. "Feed me."
The elder chuckled, "Is that the only use you have for me?"
A (traitor) hot blush crept it's way onto Ciel's check, and he murmured something along the lines of "It's not the only use."
Moving back over to the fridge, Sebastian pulled out a black jar that almost seemed to glow from inside the dark glass. He brought the jar over to the slate haired boy and set it down on the desk. Ciel gave one look at the container and crinkled his nose in disgust.
"Don't we having something better?" Ciel pushed the jar away and gave a grimaced look.
Sebastian took the jar back, inspecting and tapping it. "Would you rather I purée it for you instead?"
"Souls make me ill."
"That's my mistake. I should have introduced them into your diet earlier." Sebastian sighed, but then smirked. "Such a fussy baby demon you were, only wanting to feed from myself. Sometimes I wonder if you are instead a vampire."
Ciel huffed, not feeling all too content about being treated like a child even after a hundred and something years.
Sebastian clicked his tongue, and went over to the radio. Music flowed from the outdated speaker; they were something that Ciel had asked—demanded, and then ordered—for Sebastian to buy. He said they reminded him of their home in New York back in the 80's.
'I wanna fuck you like an animal. I wanna feel from the inside~'
Ciel's eye twitched, "Must you play that vulgar song?"
"And you singing 'Like a Virgin' in the mirror is any better?" Sebastian was dead serious, no trace of teasing or joking in sight—however, internally he was laughing his ass off at the memory.
Another twitch and Ciel felt the insane urge to explain the obvious difference between Madonna and Nine Inch Nails. Though, he was almost certain that a camo'd-video of him rocking out to 'Material Girl' was hidden in Sebastian's lockbox, and wasn't too quick to remind the elder of this.
Ciel decided on ignoring to other, and opted to sit down on the computer chair, with the back of it in front of him, almost as too straddle the orange colour seat. His chin rested on the top of the swivel chair, his lips beginning to pout. "I'm not a banana..." He said, although internally he regretting whining for it made him look like a bratty child.
"I beg your pardon?" Sebastian raised an eyebrow and peered to see what the other was looking at. It's seems like he's found the joy of YouTube. Humans are so interesting. Sebastian thought to himself before chuckling. "No you are not; you're still my little one. Definitely not the size of a banana yet."
"Stop mocking me." Ciel looked away from the screen and narrowed his eyes dangerously—mischievously— at the other. "And that's an order."
After he had turned back to the computer screen, the slate haired immortal felt arms wrap around is waist, and a hot voice breathed into his hear, "You know I only tease you." Ciel felt Sebastian smile against the back of his neck. "Besides, if only those fangirls knew just how spot on they were, hmm?"
Ciel didn't protest when he was lifted out of the uncomfortable chair, only to find a much more comfortable spot pressed up against the wall.
A/N:
Well...Wasn't that fun, children?
Can anyone else see Ciel singing Madonna songs in the mirror with Sebastian standing in the doorway plotting to use it as blackmail? Only me? Oh this is awkward...
Don't expect me to update this on a regular basis though; only when inspiration strikes. This is more like a collection of interconnected oneshots anyways.
-Tiiley-chan
