Welcome to Twilight Princess, the third story in this series. If you happen to be a person who hasn't read the previous stories, it's not necessary that you do, but for the sake of understanding what's going on (as much as you can, at least), you may want to.
But if you're too lazy, or the style bothers you, here's all I think you need to know:
The title "Destruction Queen" pretty much sums up Saria, Link is a doofus, and Navi tries to be the voice of reason, but… she spends too much time around these kids.
Things to recognize about this story:
-It took me a lot longer to write it than the last two so the style gets a little more tolerable as it goes on
-Less yelling and more communicating
-But still almost zero description of environment
-I think we've established by this point that the fourth wall is perpetually broken
-Definitely still a crack story
I apologize for the painful amount of My Little Pony references in this chapter. I was going through a phase at the time.
The Bizarre Saga: Twilight Princess
Chapter 1: People Like Ponies
It's been a month since their last adventure. They saved Termina from Majora's Mask and the falling moon, and parted with Tatl. Now they've settled in the Kokiri Forest, and it's Saria's birthday.
"Every single day, I keep expecting some adventure to get thrown at us…" Saria muttered, eyeing the box with her things in it. "I miss stabbing things."
Link suddenly pushed the curtain in the doorway to her house aside. "Happy birthday!" he told her.
"Do you know what happened today?" Saria stood up. "Mido waited right outside my door, waiting for me to get up! I whacked him with a frying pan when I saw him. He's such a stalker and he still hasn't realized I don't and will never like him!"
Navi flew up behind Link. "Link, how many times do I have to tell you not to wander out of the house before I'm awake?" she asked.
"But it's almost 9:00," Link said. "And you don't let me wake you up, either."
Navi sighed. "I know this doesn't have to do with anything right now, but I'm still having a hard time adjusting back to the time here after coming back from Termina. I seem to be watching the clock a lot, thinking time is passing really slowly."
"I kind of miss adventuring."
"Me too," Saria stated. "I haven't used my sword for anything since we came back! Remind me why we decided to move back into this stupid forest?"
"I think it's kind of peaceful," Navi spoke.
"That's because you don't have someone picking on you thinking they're better than you all the time," Link told her.
"Or someone hitting on you!" Saria said.
"Hey Saria, ever since we came back to the forest, I haven't seen a single sign of your fairy. At all," Navi stated.
"I ditched him in the Lost Woods."
"I don't think that will stop him from coming back. I mean, if you get lost there, than you just appear back at the forest."
"No, I mean I climbed a tree, went into the Forest Temple and ditched him there. And I'm pretty sure it worked because I haven't seen him since."
"Does Mido even know that we both saved the world twice?" Link asked. "I still have that mask leftover from last time."
"The one that turns you into a deity with a giant sword?"
"Yeah. I have it in my pocket in case some quest hits us, suddenly. Like, a race of shadowy beings suddenly comes to take over the world and put it in complete darkness." He paused. "A thought just hit me… What do you think is behind that window in the back of the Temple of Time?"
"It's just a window."
"No, or else someone could just go to the back of the temple and break through it, making the whole stone gathering and ocarina useless. You know, let's go find out what's back there right now!"
"Now? But then we have to get all the Spiritual Stones again!"
"But we know exactly where they are this time."
"No we don't! I sold the Goron Ruby on eBay and who knows what Ruto might have done with the sapphire!"
"Well let's just go now anyway! Maybe we'll get thrown into a quest and you'll get to stab things again. But maybe we should wait until after we find out what's back there, and then get our stuff. Because it might just be a waste of time, and we brought our stuff for nothing."
"What if Zelda asks us what the heck we're doing? We gave the Ocarina back to her!" Navi said.
"Yeah, but after you two left she gave it back to me and said she still doesn't want it. So let's just go and find out what's behind that window!"
Saria sighed while she got up and followed Link out.
"The Spiritual Stone should still be in Mido's house, because he probably forgot about it," Link spoke while they walked into Mido's house.
"What are you doing in my house?!" Mido demanded. Huh, he said the same thing at the end of Ocarina of Time…
"Don't make me hit you with a frying pan again," Saria warned while Link pulled a plank on the stairs off and pulled out the bag.
"Good, it's still here," Link said.
"What! The Kokiri Emerald-" Mido started, but Saria whacked him with a frying pan.
"Heh heh," Saria laughed before they left.
"You want the Zora's Sapphire back?" Ruto asked. "Why do you want it again?"
"Because Link wants to get back into the Temple of Time," Saria answered.
"Well sorry, it got swallowed by our new guardian."
"… You're kidding, right?"
"Duh! Of course I'm kidding! I told my father it was a waste of space to have a giant fish that didn't do anything but eat, and he realized that Jabu Jabu wasn't actually protecting us at all. But seriously. You don't actually need the Zora's Sapphire again, do you."
"We're just borrowing it," Link said.
"All right, fine then…" Ruto went to get the stone and gave it to them.
"How the heck are we supposed to find the Goron Ruby?" Saria asked.
"Maybe the guy eating potato chips knows!" Link suggested.
"… Seriously?"
"Yeah!"
"It's been more than two years!"
"Don't you remember? He set up a store in Kakakakakokokoko Village."
"I never saw him at all!"
"Well it's there."
Link, Saria and Navi went up the stairs in Kakariko Village. In the place where the beggar would've been in the future, there were two buildings. One sold corn chips and one sold potato chips.
"See?" Link said. "They are here!"
"Well I never saw them," Saria answered. "How long ago was it that they were built?"
"A few months ago, or something."
"I just never saw them." They walked towards the potato chip store.
"What are you doing!" the corn chips guy yelled, looking out of his store. "Corn chips are better!"
"That doesn't mean people always will want the same thing," Navi told him while they entered the store.
"Hi! You made the right choice by entering my store!" the potato chip guy stated. "What can I help you with?"
"You know what would make your store better?" Link told him, "If you sold beverages with your chips! You can't eat chips without a drink!"
"That's a great idea! Thanks, pal! Hey, aren't you that kid I met two years ago while I was sitting down at Zora's river eating from a huge bag of potato chips?"
"Yep!"
"Uh, you know where the Goron Ruby is?" Navi asked, expecting a "what the heck is that".
"Yeah! In fact, I bought it!" the potato chip guy said.
"Can we borrow it?" Link questioned.
"Sure thing, buddy!"
Link got the Goron Ruby!
"Uh… It didn't do that for the other stones…" Saria spoke.
"Oh well!" Link said, skipping out the store.
"You're not buyin' any potato chips?!" the guy yelled.
"Oh, whatever," Saria muttered, picking up a big bag of Lays and putting down two blue rupees. "When do you think they're going to invent rupees worth 10?"
Later at the Temple of Time…
"It's a good thing I kept the Prelude of Light in mind," Navi stated. "But are you sure it's a good idea to open the Door of Time again? What if that triggers something and lets Ganondorf out of the Evil Realm?" (That is, if he's still there… Theory is complicated)
"That would only be if I pulled up the Master Sword again. Opening the door won't do anything!" Link told her.
"Are you sure…?"
Link put all the Spiritual Stones on the pedestal and played the Song of Time. The Door of Time opened again.
"If Zelda catches you doing this and gets mad, I had nothing to do with it!"
Link ran into the room with the Master Sword. "This room brings back memories," he stated. "I need to get up to that window somehow…"
"I got a new rope because that other one was getting old," Saria spoke, taking a rope out. She tossed it up and it wrapped around the window frame.
"Do I have to climb up another rope?"
"Link, the last time you climbed a rope was back in Termina. Now go up! It was you who wanted to see the window! Heck, I won't be surprised if it's just there for decoration and that light coming out of it is fake."
It was quite a challenge to get Link up another rope, but when he finally got up there, he stared out the window.
"Shocking, isn't it? We wasted all that time for nothing."
"Get up here," Link told her.
"What?"
"I'm serious." DUN DUN DUN! He's serious!
Saria climbed up the rope and looked out. "There's…"
"NAVI THERE'S A PORTAL UP HERE! Does this mean what I think it does?! Another adventure! Yay!" Link crawled through the window frame.
"Wait, Link! We don't know where it goes!" Navi yelled, flying up quickly.
"And I don't have my stuff!" Saria shouted. But Link already jumped off and into the portal.
"… Too late."
"… Do we follow him now?"
"I don't know. If he goes somewhere, and we wait, he could already be gone and we'd have to find him…"
"But I want to bring my sword!"
"Just go, Saria."
"Are you serious?!"
"GO!"
"All right, fine then!" Saria crawled through the frame and jumped into the portal. Navi flew after her.
Link immediantly shot up on the floor of a building after hearing someone call his name. "Who was that…?"
"Hey! Hey Link!" someone called.
"Who could that be…?" Link looked out a nearby window and saw a man calling at him.
"It's time to herd the goats! Were you napping again?"
"Herd the goats?"
"Herd the goats! Except it looks like Ilia stole your horse again and brought her into the woods. I guess you have to go get her!"
"Who stole my horse?"
"You know, your girlfriend, Ilia! Who else would steal your horse? I think she does it on purpose just so she can spend time with you in the morning! … Or your horse."
"I don't think Ilia is my girlfriend."
"Hahaha!" The man ran off into the village.
"I am officially confused. Where's Navi? Who's Ilia? Where the heck am I? Where's Saria? And… What am I wearing?!" Link finally noticed that he had a different hairstyle, different colored hair, a different height and completely different clothes.
"I'd like to ask the same thing," a voice said on the bottom floor of his house.
"HOLY CRAP!" Link turned around and saw Saria sitting on one of his bookshelves.
"You were so caught up in that conversation with that guy you didn't notice me walk into your house. For some reason, there's a ladder connecting our houses. I live right under your house."
"Are you… a teen?"
"Yeah. It's way too weird for me. Look where we've ended up! And who's bright idea was it to jump into the portal before getting our stuff?!"
"Uh… Have you seen Navi?"
"No, I haven't. I wonder what could've happened to her? Oh, and by the way, you should probably go find your horse that your girlfriend stole."
"Look, I don't even know who she is! Heck, she might be some nasty, self centered girl that everybody thinks I like just because she's pretty and we talk to each other."
"Go find your horse and herd those goats so we can find a way out of here!"
"You know, I have the strangest feeling that we're going to have to save the world. You could stab things again."
"Stabbing… But I don't have a sword!" It's official, Saria is a stabomaniac.
"We'll probably get some."
"What if it's some crappy wooden sword that you can't even stab things with?" Saria sighed. "Just go find your horse."
"Is that her?" Link asked Saria when he saw the ranch girl in the spring. "Because she has a horse."
"You know, I bet the horse's name will be Epona," Saria stated.
"Oh, hello Link," Ilia greeted. "I washed Epona for you!"
"… Knew it…"
"Well of course, I wash Epona every day. No one wants a dirty horse. And happy birthday, by the way, Saria!"
"So it's my birthday here, too?" Saria thought.
"Did Epona jump through the portal?" Link whispered.
"I don't think that was possible," Saria whispered back. She looked back at Ilia. "Where's my horse?"
"Back at your house, didn't you see him? It took me forever to get Epona away from him!" Ilia answered.
"Yeah, that's definitely Chase. But seriously. How come you decide to wash Epona and not my horse? It's my birthday!"
"Hey, Link's working all day doing ranch work and his horse gets dirty faster than your horse does. I didn't see a problem with its coat."
"Are you just trying to win his love or something?"
"Well, I…"
"Well, I have to go herd the goats!" Link stated, guiding Epona away. "Are you coming, Saria?"
"Just a minute," Saria said. She looked at Ilia. "Are you hiding anything and secretly hate me or something?"
"Of course not! Hate is one of the Elements of Discord!"
"… What?"
"The Elements of Discord are something I made up. They're the opposite of the Elements of Harmony, which I live by. You know, from My Little-"
"I don't want you to finish that sentence."
"Are you saying you don't like that show?"
"What is wrong with you people?"
"What do you mean, what's wrong with us?"
"You people are crazy! You and your My Little Pony toys and obsessions! I don't get it! Ever since Link brought it up at the Kokiri Forest, all the Kokiri have been crazy about it! Even Mido!"
"… What are you talking about?"
"Oh right, different dimension… Again…"
"All right, this is officially the strangest thing you've ever spoken about in the sixteen years you've lived here. Did that guy in the woods sell you drugs? I told you not to buy anything from him after what happened to my fat dad! … Don't tell him I said that."
"Sure…"
"Pinkie promise?"
"AUUUGH!" Saria ran off.
"…"
"I wish that Epona was a pegasus," Link stated. "That would save so much time when going places."
"You know what I wish? That everybody wasn't so obsessed with My Little Pony!" Saria said.
"But seriously! Wouldn't it be cool if Epona and Chase were pegasi? Or maybe one could be a unicorn and one could be a pegasus."
"Or, if Chase were an earth pony and could kick you in the face." This kind of offended Link, but it didn't show very well. "I bet Epona would be proud. She doesn't like you very much, you know."
"How do you know that?"
"Navi told me. She can talk to animals, remember?"
"REALLY?" Ilia asked, popping up behind them. "Where is she? I have to find out how Epona feels about me!"
"She normally hangs out with us, but she disappeared after we woke up," Link answered.
"Hangs out with you? I've never seen her before."
"Well, uh…" Saria started. "We tried keeping her a secret because we knew people would freak out about it. But looks like you caught us talking about her!"
"She's a fairy!" Link stated.
"… A fairy! Oh no! This is horrible!" Ilia exclaimed.
"What? Why?"
"The drug man that lives in the woods has been looking for one for years! If he caught her, then he'd sell her to the museum in Castle Town. Fairies are rare, you know! Most people don't even believe in them, but those who have seen them have never been able to catch one."
"Oh, don't worry. Navi's experienced at getting out of bad situations."
"Wow, this place is totally different from Hyrule," Saria whispered to Link. "Fairies are so common at the Kokiri Forest! They live all over the place!"
"I'm surprised about the fact that all he does it sit around all day," Ilia said. "He's been looking for a fairy for a long time, but hasn't really been actually looking. I guess he just expected that if he lived in the woods, he'd see one eventually. Well, I guess you should go herd the goats. I'll go look for your friend!" Ilia ran off.
"… I don't know how to herd goats…" Link said.
