wwChapter 1. Dreams, memories, and nightmares
Why can't I remember? Where had all my memories gone? Why was it when I tried to remember, the memories were dark, frightening, and at times, disturbing?
I heard someone shouting once…
I saw someone once standing over me, a tall figure with a knife in its hand ready to strike…
I remember cold, thick iron in my hand as it dripped with blood, but not my own…
But that was only in my waking hours. It was all in my head, they said. It was like my life was the nightmare. But I found the comfort, the love I sought in my dreams. I never saw faces and names were blurry. But I could FEEL there. I felt touches of warmth, of fondness. I felt special. I felt precious and loved.
"A princess is always, always precious" a soft, but strong voice, with a nice British accent would tell me as a pair of hands clasped a necklace of silver around my neck and put my black braid over my shoulder.
I felt a kiss on my head, and a hand on my shoulder. The touch felt so familiar and so safe…so different from the reality I knew.
"Who are you?" I wanted to ask, but I never said, like already knew who he was.
The charm on the silver chain was an obsidian talon holding an emerald orb. It looked beautiful, but he knew, and I knew, it held power within it. I smiled at myself in the mirror, only able to see the faint shadow of my mysterious companion. I would turn to face him, but he would be gone.
Then my eyes would open and I once again woke to the nightmare I was forced to call a life. A life spent half abused, half experimented on, but never truly lived. Through the small window of my white washed hospital room, I saw snow falling. I remember that I used to love the snow. Though all was dead, everything sparkled under the powdery snow. Sometimes I'd imagine walking through it all alone with nothing but my thoughts for companions. But I was never allowed outside anymore. It was hopeful, wishful thinking. And it was thoughts like that were crushed in this dreadful place.
I turned away from the window, my pleasant thoughts disappearing like the snow in spring. I looked at my reflection in the cracked mirror with disdain. Oh god, how different I looked in my dream! I had a full head of ebony black hair that was brushed perfectly and shined in the faint light, much in contrast to the stubs of what was left of my hair. In the dreams, my eyes were bright and I was strong. I was dark in this world, weary of life and lies. The girl in my dreams could lead a kingdom. I couldn't even escape my horrid room.
Shivering, I made my way back to my wretched, barren bed, wanting nothing more than to disappear. I curled up, fighting back tears that meant nothing to anyone. This was the hell I was forced to call home. Time didn't matter in this place. Days, weeks, months, and years just passed in a mixed up, slightly drug induced blur.
The medicines, the drugs meant to keep us calm only seemed to make my mind race. I struggled to keep myself from going under their hazy spell, as I knew what would happen if I gave in. They would try to get me to remember, to reveal what I saw, heard, and felt in my dreams. But I'd sooner die than tell these tormentors of my strange, yet comforting companion.
Whenever I gave in, I felt ashamed, defeated when I came back to myself. It was times like those when I couldn't stop the tears. I felt guilty and in my mind I apologized to that shadow, the only thing that seemed to bring me joy. I loved him. I didn't know in what way, but I knew I did.
When I was strong, when I fought, bit, and cursed, then I was proud. Moments like that, I felt like the girl I was in the mirror of my dreams. It was those days, when they gave up, that I was victorious and somehow he seemed to know that. At least, I hoped he knew.
They entered and the fight began. All was a blur around me, but I knew they were holding me down on my bed, using those horrid straps to keep me down. I squirmed, bit, and spat. I wasn't going to go down, not without a fight, if I was to go down at all.
I couldn't move. How could I fight if I couldn't move?! They were holding me down tighter, and I panicked, frantically searching for a way out of this mess. If I couldn't escape, I was going to lose. I jerked under the hold of straps and doctors painfully. In my struggle and fear, I didn't even feel the hypodermic needle enter the vein in my arm…
"Sonja…Sonja…" a voice, the shadow's voice, called, "Where are you?"
When I opened my eyes, everything was bright. It was warm and sunny under a beautiful blue sky. It felt like summer, and I was swinging on a plush cushioned swing in someone's arms. I was a child, and I looked up at the person who held me.
It was a man. Many years older than me, but still looked so young and handsome. His eyes and his hair were both violet in color. The more I looked in his eyes, the more they seemed to change from one shade to the next. He smiled pleasantly and I swear his eyes turned to a light lavender color.
"You were sleeping like the dead, love" he said and kissed my head fondly.
I let out a soft moan. "Yeah…I guess I can sleep through anything".
"It's alright, it's something you get from me. That and of course it is pretty quiet out here with only nature and the ocean. Your mother used to love this place".
"Where is she?" I asked.
"She's safe now, that's all that matters. She's in a better place than this".
"Is she happy?"
The man, who I assumed in this dream was my father, sighed but kept his warm smile. "I'd hope she is. There's no pain, no sorrow, no suffering where she is. Sonja, I need you to do something for me. Do you think you can?"
"I can try".
"I'll need you to find this place again someday. It's very, very important".
"Why?"
"You'll know when the time comes, but you may not be able to recognize it. But the time will come, and it will most likely come soon".
There was a hint of worry in his voice and in his face. I put my little hand on his reassuringly.
"Don't be scared. You're the strongest one I know" I admitted.
"Strongest you know, huh? Well what does that say about you?" he laughed a little and kissed my head, "You'll do great things someday Sonja, for this kingdom…for everyone"…
It was dark when I woke again. Oh no…the memories flooded back. I'd told them everything I'd seen! I trembled, fearing the shadow's wrath, even just a few minutes before I was comforted by him.
"Sonja…Sonja where are you?" his voice was just over a whisper, but he felt so close.
I closed my eyes. "I'm sorry".
"Where are you? We…need…you. This…this is only…a dream. Wake up, love. We need you…"
I don't know why, but I got up. I felt like I was walking on air, like I was in a drug induced haze. I swear I didn't open the door, I went through it! But I paid that little thought as I entered the hall that took me down to a darkened lab. The only light shone from it was a computer. Once again, I stepped through a door and into the lab. Still in a daze, I stepped up to the brightly lit computer and closed my eyes…
