I was floating.
Drifting…
Drifting deep beneath the surface of… something. I didn't know what. At first it didn't bother me that I had no idea where I was. I liked where I was. It was dark and peaceful. It was also really, really quiet. That was the first thing that struck me as odd about wherever I was, just how very silent it was. Usually when we say the word 'silent' we don't really mean silent. There is always some sort of noise around us whether it's breathing, the tick of a clock, wind outside a window or the sound of your own heartbeat… there is always something. But here, there was nothing. Every sound that should have been there was not merely deadened, but wiped out completely. Had I gone deaf? Had I always been deaf? Questions like that stirred an odd feeling in my mind… perhaps it was panic? The more I thought about it, the more certain I became that I couldn't have always been deaf, otherwise I wouldn't have noticed these sounds were missing because I wouldn't have been able to hear them in the first place.
And why was it so dark?
Surely, I should have been able to see something. Just like it is never truly silent it is never truly dark. Gaps in curtains let in sunlight or even light from the moon and stars outside. You were only really in the dark with your eyes shut, but even then there is still something there. Strange colours behind your eyelids. I couldn't even see them. Perhaps someone had covered me with something very dark and thick. Something that could stop everything; light, sound, smell from getting to me. Although, whatever I had been wrapped in was apparently weightless. I felt like I was floating. Strangest of all was how disorientated I was. I couldn't tell which way was up and which was down. I wasn't even confident of what 'up' and 'down' were.
I had sort of assumed that I should have some kind of body, but I couldn't feel one. I couldn't remember what it was like to have one at all. Maybe I didn't have one. Maybe I never had. Did it matter? Probably not. I was comfortable here. I wasn't happy, but I wasn't sad either. I just sort of… was. I came to the conclusion that I was in a state of existing, not really living. What is living anyway? It seemed to be a new word and yet it was oddly familiar.
It didn't bother me that there was nothing to see.
It didn't bother me that there was nothing to hear.
It didn't bother me that I didn't know where I was.
What bothered me was that I didn't know who I was.
For it to bother me that I didn't know meant that I must have known who I was at some point. And now that the issue had been raised it was beginning to annoy me. Surely, I had to be someone… Maybe I had been someone once but wasn't anymore. Or maybe I hadn't been anyone yet and I was about to be. Or maybe it didn't matter. I had no concept of a past or a future, just the calm and peaceful moment that I was in. Aside from the slight annoyance caused by my awareness that I had no idea who I was I really was almost completely at peace.
I wanted to feel as calm as I had just before this moment where I had become conscious and aware. If only I could just drift off again… slip away to where there was nothing.
Maybe it was time to let go.
I let my annoyances slide away from me and drowsiness began to wash over me. There. Time to go.
Jack.
What? I was pulled away from the edge of the abyss by a single word. A word which felt heavy although I could not find its meaning. A word of such importance that I was scared to let it go. 'Jack…' I tested the word out. It was a happy word, a complicated word, but above all it was a word that woke me up. I felt the power of that word jolt me back in to a higher state of consciousness. From that single jolt the feeling coursed through me like a heat. I could feel it flowing through each vein and suddenly I was warm. It was a shock.
My eyes opened.
I was completely underwater. A very faint watery light filtered down from above and bathed my surroundings. I was so, so far from the surface. I wasn't alone. I could see other bodies floating in the waters all around me. Some of them were just dark shapes in the waters above me and nearer to the surface. I looked to my left. There was a man floating alongside me. His eyes were shut and he was completely unmoving. He looked peaceful and happy, but it was chilling to see someone in that state. I didn't know him. At least, I didn't think I did. I was much more conscious and aware of my own physicality, but I still held no memories. The only thing I had to hold on to that was of any substance was that one word. That one word that seemed to be the most important thing I had right now.
Jack.
It refused to leave my mind, it wouldn't leave me alone but in a way I was glad of it. It was the one thing that was keeping me from fighting the wave of tiredness that was threatening to pull me back to wherever it was that I had been. It was probably the same place that the man beside me and everyone floating around me was in. They looked happy, but I was so sure that I didn't want to go back there. Everything in that place was so uncertain. What if I went there and never came back? I was gripped with fear. Jack. I clung to that word to keep me routed where I was.
Another wave of drowsiness hit me, stronger than the last. I wasn't going to be able to fight it for much longer. I looked to my right and what I saw gave me enough shock and adrenaline to fight to stay awake for another few minutes. A baby was floating beside me.
Mine.
I knew at once she was mine. Everything inside me indicated towards her. There was a deep pull within me that lead me straight to her. She was mine. I didn't know who I was, but I knew that this was my little girl. I reached out over the distance between her and gently pulled her through the water towards me. I clutched her to me.
It's okay, I told her silently. I'm here now.
The next wave that hit me was too strong to fight and I slipped away in to the endless darkness all over again.
