I'M NOT CALLING YOU A LIAR
And when you kiss me,
I'm happy enough to die.
I'm not calling you a liar,
Just don't lie to me.
"I'm Not Calling You a Liar" – Florence + The Machine
I. heartsick
It all began on a sunny morning.
One of those days when it seemed like only good things could happen. In a pretty, perfect world it would be a good thing, but it was the worst that had ever happened to Azula and Ty Lee. Maybe it had the potential to be the best, maybe, maybe, maybe.
It all began on a sunny morning.
Ty Lee woke up with sunlight on her face. She felt exposed, despite being under a blanket. The floor beneath her back was hard stone, and she realized that she was in the Fire Nation Royal Palace, and she realized that she was at a sleepover, and she realized that she fell asleep after the beautiful and unexpected.
She held her breath when she looked to her side, because she was afraid it had all been a dream. Her worst fears included cat-spiders and being buried alive—they also included her crush on her best friend. Loving someone like Azula was the scariest situation in the world.
Ty Lee tried to think of the best words to voice what she was feeling, but that was impossible. The feelings crashing through her veins were beyond difficult to articulate.
"Hey," she said, settling for something simple.
Azula opened her eyes; she had been awake for almost an hour, but she pretended otherwise.
"We need to talk about this," Azula said, sitting up and pressing a silk blanket to her chest. "We need to talk about never talking about this again."
"Oh," Ty Lee replied. She did not know why Azula was so angry when she seemed so in love with what they did last night.
"This should not have happened. I do not see you as more than a…" Azula struggled to say friend because she did not do friends. She had toys and tools and Ty Lee was both. "I do not see you as more than what we already were."
"Oh," Ty Lee replied. She hoped she did show on her face the pain the princess just inflicted.
"You should leave my house," Azula continued.
She seemed very serious. Ty Lee could tell that it was easy for Azula to say all of that, which meant it was probably true. Azula did not have that same glow in her golden eyes that she had last night.
Azula could make Ty Lee feel like she was the most important person in the world; she also could make her feel like she was worthless. This moment was the latter.
"I'll get dressed and go," Ty Lee said, even though her heart was screaming different words.
"Good." Azula watched Ty Lee leave.
It did not seem to hurt her.
How could that be?
That afternoon, Ty Lee paced in Mai's bedroom. Mai watched dizzily.
"You can't tell anybody," Ty Lee said for the fourth time in a row. "Azula said not to tell anybody."
"Then you probably shouldn't tell anybody," Mai replied. She could already see where this was going and it could not end well for anyone involved. Therefore, Mai wanted nothing to do with it.
"Shut up, Mai." Ty Lee realized what she said and murmured an apology. "Okay, something happened between us and now I am completely heartsick and I don't know how to get better."
Mai sighed and resigned herself to her fate. It was bound to happen eventually.
"You slept together," said Mai and Ty Lee's jaw dropped. It was unsurprising that Ty Lee was surprised.
"Who told you?" she asked shrilly, her face flushing.
"That was a lucky guess," Mai said. More like an educated guess, but Mai decided to go easy on this poor girl today. Ty Lee was a wreck.
Ty Lee struggled with tears before she could force anything out of her lips. Mai waited and wished it were not so boring.
"She doesn't love me," Ty Lee choked out, clenching her fists as if she could punch the tears away. Maybe she could, but she did not.
Mai felt like a parent whose child just asked an impossible question. The sentences were sticky and Mai could not figure out how to configure her reply. Explaining this to Ty Lee probably would be very similar to explaining it to a four year old kid.
"I don't think Azula loves anybody. She doesn't know how," Mai said, satisfied with her reply.
"I knew that." Ty Lee fought the urge to punch Mai's window and crush the glass into smithereens. It would look how her heart feels. "I wanted to teach her how."
"Well, that sounds a bit like the blind leading the blind," Mai commented, suppressing laughter.
"What does that mean?" Ty Lee snapped.
Mai turned up her palms and smiled. "You don't know how to love anybody either."
"Yeah! I do!" Ty Lee shrieked. Mai somehow managed not to cringe.
"You think love is perfect and that it fixes everything and it means completely losing yourself to obsess over another person," said Mai.
"You're not helping me," Ty Lee said angrily.
"I can't help you beyond telling you that love is hard, and you and Azula both have a habit of giving up when things get hard." Ty Lee gave up because she liked things that were easy for her; Azula gave up because everything was easy for her.
"You think we should try," Ty Lee said and Mai wondered where exactly Ty Lee got that from.
She settled for saying, "I am not qualified to handle this situation."
"But you just gave me some speech about love being hard." Ty Lee crossed her arms.
"It is," Mai said, although she did not think she had much experience in that field. She had nothing more than a series of observations. "You can't teach her how to love or to care about people other than herself."
"You are so not helping." Ty Lee pouted at her second best friend.
Mai should have kicked Ty Lee to the curb as soon as she walked in looking the way that she did.
"I'm sorry that she hurt you," Mai said impatiently, "but you should get used to that. I am sure she is enjoying your agony right now."
"Maybe she's worth suffering for," Ty Lee whispered.
Mai could see that she was not going to ever get her point across. Ty Lee was too much of a romantic.
"If you think so," said Mai, shrugging.
Ty Lee did not know what that meant, but she knew she would love Azula forever.
If it was going to hurt this bad, she would have to learn to cope with the pain.
If it was going to make her feel this sick, she would have to buy some cough medicine and struggle through the aches and pains.
TBC next Tuesday.
