Dear Sister
It´s three in the morning as I write this. I barely sleep anymore. On the rare occasions when I get into a shallow slumber I´m plagued with visions and nightmares from the past. Two weeks have passed since I was released from hospital. The doctors told me I had healed up fine. But there are some wounds that cut to deep to heal. I can still hear Joker's screams when I close my eyes.
It´s hard to believe that there are only four left of us. When I boarded the Normandy for the first time it was so full of life. The crew was friendly, they told jokes and laughed. I was nervous of course, people back on the station told me that the commander was one of the best, and that she could be pretty harsh to people. I guess those people never got to know her properly, she was friendly to those close to her, everyone on board would gladly have followed her into the grave. And most did.
As the Normandy crashed into earth I thought that my time had come. Miraculously I survived the crash. Sometimes I think I might have been better of dying that night. The only other survivors from the Normandy was Joker. It was his screams of pain that made me regain consciousness at first. His body was all broken, I saw the horror in his eyes. I managed to get to the radio and send an SOS before I faded into coma again, not sure whatever someone received it or not.
I spent the night before the assault in Shepard's cabin. I was so scared of what lay ahead of us the coming day. I asked her if she was scared too. She nodded quietly. We held each other tight that night, as if we never would let go. I gently caressed her and told her that everything would be alright, as she trembled in my arms. She told me that she loved me.
Some days the grief gets the better of me. When I´m by myself I can get paralyzed and I can spend hours just starring into the air. It feels like there is nothing left for me to do now. No one will ever be able to replace Shepard. The black hole she left inside my chest is to big to fill.
Commander Aurelie Shepard became a legend as the crucible fired. Against all odds she had succeeded. With her own life as sacrifice she ended the reaper war and saved all life as we know it. At the memorial people sung her story and chanted her name, the whole earth loves her for what she has done. People have regained hope, there is once more a future ahead of us.
But I don´t want the future.
I want Shepard back.
Yours truly
Samantha Traynor
