[Spoiler Alert for Chapters 50, 51 and possibly 52] This is my first long SNK fic and it'd probably mean nothing once chapter 51 is up (which should be in a couple more days yaaaaay) This could be a one-shot or a series depending on how you guys like it, but yeah.. well I'm writing a chapter 2 for my pleasure anyway.
In the midst of the chaos that followed the battle, Eren had barely had the time to register the appalling amount of deaths among their troops. He had barely had the time to pay attention to anything really. The rhythmic wobbling of his ride atop his horse had been the only feeling he caught on to. His senses, otherwise, were numb, and he had yet to decipher the turmoil of emotion that caged his consciousness.
He felt nothing and everything at once. Grief and anger battled their ways to take over what was left of his sanity. Did it matter, really? Did his feelings ever matter? After all it had been guilt that won dominance. Guilt, self-blame, wrenched at his heart strings.
He hurts, he remembers, and he hurts all over. He recalls Hannes' limp form, spilling to the ground. He sees all the dead people who gave their lives to save his ass, he watches as blood sprouts out of his commander's amputated arm and of Jean's fractured skull, he hears Mikasa's soft whimpers against his back. She'd been crying. Who could blame her? In the face of loss and death, even the ever poised and stoic Mikasa Ackerman would crumble.
His vision finally swam into focus when they reached the wall. His dazed senses sharpening considerably as he guided his horse towards the soldiers crowding the street.
It was eight at night, their group left Trost with 68 troops at total, they returned with less than the quarter. Half of whom were injured, the other half dizzy and incapable of processing the course that took place during the ambush. Confusion reigned over relief, and though they knew they should be thankful, they couldn't understand why they were still alive and breathing.
They were caught in a very critical condition earlier that day, what with the armored bastard cornering them from a side, and the regular, equally dangerous, titans on the other.
All it took was a scream they all heard. And they watched intently as the Titans scrambled away from living, breathing, humans, and launched onto their fellow titans.
They were confused and physically battered, but they took their chance and ran. Deep in the minds of those soldiers, they recognized the culprit behind the Titans' sudden change of attitude.
Cadet Eren Jaeger.
That monstrous, ravenous, rogue Titan shifter.
That freak.
Eren knew that they knew. And with the weight of that knowledge in mind, he understood why none of his fellow team mates, Garrison recruits, Scouting legion squad leaders, why none of them intervened, when the MP officers handcuffed him and forcefully led him to one of the many cells lining the dungeons of The Garrison HQ in Trost.
Hours passed since his arrest, and he was still prohibited from leaving his prison. Eren rolled over the hard mattress, and lazily propped himself on his elbows. He peered through the metal bars and identified the figure standing before his cell. The guard had been there all night, seeing as they hadn't even bothered to chain Eren to the bed. Like last time, he thought.
"Hey, you." The Guard turned and scanned the dark cell for the now-conscious Titan shifter.
"Are they done yet? Can I go now?" The odd calmness of his own voice surprised him.
He knew he ought to be angry or even scared. Since his confinement, The MP launched into an investigation, and demanded a full explanation as to why the troops they'd sent were deceased. He knew that should the soldiers speak of his whereabouts, he'd be legitimately screwed. Eren couldn't bring himself to care though. He's been knee deep in shit for the past days, and all he wanted to do now, was to lay back down or pace to the infirmary where his friends were at.
Neither option was possible though. All he could do was sit down in weary silence, waiting for something, anything, to happen.
He heard the clanking of boots and a voice commanding the guard to leave. Eren leaned back against the cold wall and watched as the supreme commander Darius Zackly appeared.
He stood by the room and scrunched his nose at the filthy smell of the dungeons. Eren raised an eyebrow in amusement. Another clean freak? He watched as the man stood opposite watching him thoughtfully, and he braced himself for whatever this man's decision were to be.
"Cadet Eren Jaeger." Said boy rose and slowly made his was to face his elderly superior. He held his right fist close to his heart and his other placed firmly against his back. His salute felt forced, due to his rusty joints and the fact that he hadn't changed out of his ripped shirt from the battle yet.
"Cadet Eren Jaeger." Darius repeated "The investigations are over. You're free to go."
"Yes... Sir?" He studied the commander incredulously. There was no way they were going to let him off that easily, and he knew from the man's rigid posture that there was more to come.
"Do you know why I'm here Cadet Jaeger?" You tell me. Eren thought, and mentally slapped himself for his ill placed sarcasm.
"The monarchy sent you? Just like they sent those military officers in the ambush with the.. traitors"
"Smart boy." The man's face kept its usual bored expression. "But do you know why they sent me?"
Eren cleared his throat as the realization dawned on him. "You're here to hang me.. give the order to.. hang me. There won't be a trial this.. time around"
"No. I'm here to give you a choice." Eren kept his expression blank, trying to keep from shaking the guy. "A choice?" he questioned, and the answer was simple and curt.
"join the military police, or die"
"you understand" The man went on. "That your case is awfully suspicious. During all our questioning, the witnesses kept a low profile. Even those who originally belong to the MP refused to give a satisfying report." Darius shook his head. "It was obvious that they saw something out there that scared them shitless."
Eren winced at his commanding officer's rude choice of words. But then again, he was a monster, and Darius Zackly was not obliged in any way to address him formally. "At some point, one of them slipped. Said soldier mentioned mind control over the Titans and we had to re-read all the files from scratch, we stumbled upon clues.. and we, as simple minded as we are, managed to form a satisfying story to match those clues." He leaned closer to face the green eyed young man. "You are the one who_"
Controlled them." The boy cut him, scowling. "Commanded them. I did that."
"Finally came to." He thoughtfully observed. "We couldn't help but notice that That fascinating power of yours, is what had drawn the titan shifters and compelled them to take you. The mere fact that you're waltzing out of the safety of the walls is rather... appalling."
"You want me to join the MP, so I could be safe behind the walls? Safe while my comrades die? What guarantees you that the other titan shifters won't follow me there." incredulity dripped with each word and the young man forced his tone down, lest he says something insulting to Commander Zackly.
Surprisingly, the older man proved to be equally incredulous. "With the 50 meter deep dungeons in wall Sina.. No I don't think they'll follow you there."
"You want me to sit in jail and do nothing?" He replied hotly "I'm a soldier and I should be out there killing those titans."
"Who said anything about staying put, and doing nothing?"
"I... what?" The boy was caught off guard, and he studied the man as he felt at his pockets fumbled for a split second, and produced a single report typed on the monarchy's official parchment leaflets. He heard the man read the contents with his firm apathetic voice.
"Should the Cadet agree as to join the Military police troops, He shall be entrusted to the Guarding squad, His majesty's own personal warriors, bound to ensure the monarchy's safety and welfare. He will be put under the harsh training the squad provides, and he will offer his power to include to humanity's knowledge of the Titans..." He carried on, and Eren found himself drifting in and out until he interrupted him abruptly. "They... they didn't mention the counter solution."
Zackly stared for a second. "True, should you refuse, the counter solution would mean rejoining the scouting legion, which is as good as dead, and keeping humanity from advancing in their studies of the Giants' biology…"
Eren slowly shook his head. "I don't see why you would possibly suggest such a thing when the counter solution is obvious and much more desirable. Why would I want to join the.. Gar..ding.. Guarding squad? I don't even know in which military levels does it land, or the point of it really. It's not like I'm ordered to withdraw from the front lines, and since I do have a choice, I'd rather fight outside the walls for as long as I'm breathing. I can contribute to the case in the scouting legion too and my titan powers are much more reliable there_"
"What you lack is not contribution, it's strength." Eren uncomprehendingly stared at the commander.
"You're what? 15, soldier and titan shifter, and scrawny as hell? tell me how many solo kills you got since you joined, yeah, how many really?" the boy stammered facing the commander's angry tone, and the latter seemed satisfied when the titan shifter shaped the number 1 with his gaping mouth "As expected, you are utterly useless for a soldier. You are currently incapable of protecting yourself without gambling on the countless lives of innocent soldiers. It's not just about the kill count, for that does not necessarily define your skill or your personality. I look at you now kid and I see a monster. You are a monster, but you keep denying it stubbornly. Like a coward, I'd say. I hate cowards."
He spat the last phrase like poison "If you join the Guarding guild, they'd train you, they'd know how to treat you the way you should be treated, they have many monsters among their troops, and they are military officers handpicked by the king himself to ensure his safety. You'd better be off with them. the scouting legion is too soft on you anyway."
When hearing the man's mocking words, his confidence crumbled yet again.
He felt numb; he felt the guilt he'd experienced upon his return to Trost. During his time in the dungeons he thought it'd faded away, gone were the agonizing pains gripping at his chest, gone were the memories of limp bodies, of his mother and Hannes and the special OPS squad, all dead thanks to his incapability of fighting back, due to his weakness and misjudgment. He thought back to all those comrades he lost those whom he vaguely knew, and those whom he'd befriended and who had no saying in risking their lives for the sake of an overly self-centered, impulsive boy.
He thought back to Mikasa and Armin, both chose a risky profession FOR him, to protect him. They could have gone anywhere, and been anything, what with Armin's brilliant intellect and Mikasa's natural talent at nailing everything.
He pitied them, and he hated them for mimicking his selfish decisions and putting themselves under stark danger.
He could finally recognize it. That stinging that followed the guilt, the pain he felt at his heart, the numbness at his limbs. It was the feeling of his humanity slowly slipping away. Eren wondered, was that even possible? To lose your humanity between one thought and the other? And he pondered at the fact that he was barely a human to begin with. His hotheadedness and flaring temper, allowed him to entertain his vengeful thoughts. His hateful nature made him a monster by the second, and thanks to all the people he lost in his quest, the pain of being back stabbed, he relented all the way back to where he began, losing all the progress he'd made to become stronger, more understanding, more human.
He was not strong. He couldn't protect Mikasa, could he?
Your likes should be treated as the monsters they are.
To overcome the monsters you must become a monster yourself.
Wise words Armin, but he already was one of them.
Might as well start acting like one.
Darius Zackly made as to turn and leave him be. Moments ago, he might have been relieved at the man's attempt at leaving, but now all he wanted to do was to run, run from all the guilt, all the chagrin, and run from the weak person he was. "Wait." he called after the Commander's retreating form. "If I go now, I get to say goodbye to my friends right?"
His superior turned and faced him anew, his face alight with relief. "Of course." he answered. "You get your freedom to roam the Garrison HQ, until the MP Guarding squad comes to collect you, which should be in an hour from now."
He called for the guard to unlock his cell, and Eren grasping the tiny ounces of freedom he had left paced for the stairs to the upper floors, his left hand tightening around the soft fabric of the scarf wrapped around his waist.
He had silently slipped it out of Mikasa's grip when tended to by the medics, thanks to the injuries she sustained during the titan shifters' attack. He didn't know why he took it, but he was confident that, once out of prison, he'd rush straight to the latrines to wipe the damn grime out of the blood red wool.
He seemed to have caught onto the cleanness fetish, Damn the corporal.
"God, stop fidgeting. It's gonna spill over Mikasa."
The raven haired girl attempted sitting as still as possible. Her food crazed friend had just come back from god knows where, and refused to budge from her friends' sides on the infirmary beds, until she fed them (namely Mikasa) to restore their power and help fend off the heaviness of their injuries.
Honestly, Mikasa thought, Sasha was silly in her own way, but she could be dead serious at times. It was strange not seeing her in the regular uniform, but rather clad in a tough huntress coat and man trousers. Her friend shoved a spoonful of soup into her mouth and urged her to chew on the tiny nibbles she took from her bread.
Mikasa couldn't relax, not only was her upper body completely immobilized with thick bandages (which she thought was a bit excessive) but the room where they were at, was none but the single infirmary in the Garrison HQ. The fact that they were wounded pretty badly prevented them from continuing the journey to the Legion's HQ and so they sought help from the Garrison.
As a consequence, they were crammed all together in this not-wide-enough room.
Heck, even their superiors had a hard time adapting to the crowdedness of the environment. She watched as Corporal Levi appeared a short while after they were settled in and tended to, and headed to Commander Erwin's and Major Hanji's cots. He sat there, patiently waiting 'till they regained consciousness, and the trio was now exchanging an apparently fervent discussion.
Add to that the fact that, unsurprisingly, Eren was nowhere to be found. Armin had just come by minutes ago, telling her that, upon given permission to see him in his cell, he had already left. And she was chewing on her worries along with the bread.
On the bed next to her, sat Jean. He had his head covered in gauze and his shoulder put in a sling where he dislocated it. Near the right side of his bunk was Connie, exchanging subtle whispers with Armin. She had been about to ask them what they were talking about, when a familiar figure entered the room.
Eren. Her heart gave a leap of joy upon seeing him unharmed. She couldn't help but feel that something was wrong, though. The distant way with which he held himself. His mechanical movements as he straddled across the room to salute his injured superiors. The way he scowled when the major made an intelligible comment concerning 'her surprise that he made it', and everyone who followed the scene from the start reeled with disbelief with the way the boy had waved off the scientist.
He saluted once more, stiff as ever, and made his way to her bed, collapsing on the chair just as Sasha scooted over to sit at the edge of the mattress.
"Eren? " Mikasa asked, concerned. "Are you alright"
"Yeah." He didn't look fine. His tanned complexion was darker than usual, and his bright Emerald eyes were restored to a pale dark green.
Sign that he'd been perturbed by something, beyond perturbed, he looked shaken.
"You look like shit, Eren, no pun." Jean's sarcastic retort made her secretly thank him, for trying to lighten the mood, even by ticking Eren off.
His response was disappointingly calm. Where they'd imagined he'd spit an angry, typical Eren retort, He kept an indifferent face.
"Same to you Pony boy." and somehow that made them all the more worried.
He waved them away, "I'm just tired okay?" He said leaning back into his chair. "I've been sleeping on this hardass mattress, for the night. Quite a contrast to the luxury you guys are getting here."
"Serves you right." Jean muttered.
"Luxury?" Connie rubbed his hand to his scalp, emphasizing his weariness "These guys've been sleeping through this goddamn noise for hours now. They just keep piling injured troop after another."
"Well, it certainly is crowded." Eren propped his elbows on his knees and leaned towards her, uncharacteristically invading her personal space. He eyed her prudently before inquiring on her health. She thanked him for his concern and mentioned that 'Yes It's your health I'd like to know about Eren.' and Eren simply pursed his lips and settled back into his previous position.
The hubbub the soldiers around them were making toned the heaviness of the silence down. But despite the noise, they all heard the sound of heavy clicking boots. Mikasa lifted her eyes, inspecting the door for the new intruder. She was genuinely surprised when Commander Zackly appeared by the entrance, following suit were 3 formally dressed cadets with the emblem of the MP strapped to their jackets.
When turning, she saw the way Eren's face darkened. He trudged closer to her again and pulled from a duffel bag by his feet, the familiar red scarf she always wore. So he took it, she affirmed. When seeing that her precious muffler was missing, she nearly went bonkers, only settling down at Armin's promise that he'd find it.
The young man gently wrapped the scarf around her neck, ruffling her hair in the process. She dug her shin in the warm wool, and inhaled the lovely scent tinting it. "You washed it." She acknowledged. "You didn't have to."
"It was filthy." he immediately winced. "I can't wrap it around you when it's like that, can I?"
"Eren.." she began as he scrambled to his feet, not paying the slightest attention to the rest of them, going past the Commander and heading for the door. The man caught him in the last moment of his escape, gripping him hard and leaning to whisper something in his ear. Eren shook his head in response and proceeded into walking out; the moment Darius cleared his throat gaining the attention of the room. "Alert, Military officers, Garrison recruits, scouting legion troops." The man turned his head to the Trio at the corner "Erwin." He mouthed "You realize the graveness of the situation, do you? The horrific losses registered in the last fight.." He fixed Commander Smith with a hard look "Well, those who lost their lives have undeniably contributed greatly in the mission to retrieve Eren Jaeger, which brings me to_"
Mikasa listened, heart hammering and ears buzzing, hands shaking frantically and gripping the bed sheets for comfort. She kept a stony face, nonetheless as she registered every word Commander Darius mouthed. Every lie. It must be a lie, right?
Right?
Eren would never abandon his dream, Eren would never abandon his friends.
He couldn't.
Eren had never run away, for cowardice was never in his nature.
He just couldn't face them, couldn't watch as their faith in him shattered to pieces.
So he sped his pace along the hallway, reaching for the front entrance where the MP was at. He found himself running and stumbling out of the exit, panting and damp all over with perspiration, only to find his friend Armin by the door.
Oh shit, he can teleport.
He pushed at the blonde's shoulder, and the smaller boy instinctively grabbed him by the collar, forcefully pulling him back to face him.
"Are you gonna tell me why?" his tone was harsh, so un-Armin-Like in anyway.
"Probably not."
"really Eren? The MP? Is that the best you could do?"
"Armin…"
"I thought you were the one who urged us to join the recon corps, and now you're leaving us_"
"Hold on a sec." Eren shoved his friend rather brutally against the wall. "I never urged you to do shit. you were the ones who tagged along with my shenanigans."
Shenanigans?
"We had nowhere to go, we needed to stick together, all three of us. Eren, please." His eyes begged for understanding, with silent pleas.
"Please don't join the MP, Eren. They'll kill you. You saw the way they act Eren, just what brought this up?"
"You could have gone anywhere and been anything..." Eren said more to himself than to anyone.
"huh?"
"You could have been anything Armin, you had great potential parent-less and whatnot. It's always been like this, huh? You had intelligence and Mikasa had strength, and I... I provided you with a purpose. I can't go on being nothing but a symbol, urging people to fight back. I'm a weapon, a malfunctioning one at that. Look at all the people who lost their lives during the last expedition. All died thanks to my failure at grasping the tips to being a good Monster, or a soldier. I am_" He took a shuddering breath, forcing his gaze from the ground and staring Armin head on.
"You feel guilty.." The shorter boy observed.
"No shit."
"She wanted to come here to see you, you know? She even proceeded into assaulting Chief Zackly."
Alarm shot up in his brain, he was not leaving Mikasa guilty of a crime, not even that of murdering Darius Zackly.
"You stopped her right?" and he saw his answer in his friend's eyes.
Inhaling, Eren took a step back, and another. He sprinted away from his accusing friend, fueled by his reassurance of Mikasa's whereabouts.
She was safe, Armin would be safe, and their comrades of what was left of the 104th unit would most likely be safe. They'd hate him, yes, but he speculated that by the time he saw them once more, he'd be too invested in his own monstrosity that he won't probably care what they thought of him.
Outside, carriages were piled against the side of the road. Guards stood by their horses, chatting nonstop. They didn't seem to have seen him yet, and he pondered whether he could make a run for it or not.
His gaze lingered upon the high walls in the distance, and he immediately recalled the skinless bastards that served as pillars for their safe haven.
He also remembered the way he commanded the titans into devouring the fucker that ate his mom, and suppressed a shudder.
What if he rampaged here at one point and awakened the sleeping titans in the walls?
Hell would break loose, thanks to him, should he not learn to control his power.
He would certainly not let that happen.
His eyes fervently searched for the Guarding legion all the while.
Hmmm, for those who read this Chapter when it first got published, I am extremely sorry. I mean, I usually write drabbles and whatnot in Microsoft Word, and when writing this thing I thought 'hey why can't I save it under Note format?' the result was this incredibly messy fanfiction with horrible mistakes here and there and paragraphs crammed all together in one pile, and being the lazy person that I am, I only got motivated to fix it during the weekend. So sorry for anyone who had to have an eye check after reading the chapter in its original format. Also, I'll totes be thankful if you guys reviewed this :)
