JUST SO YOU ALL KNOW… I OWN NOTHING! I do not in any way own Death Note or its characters, however I have a few OC's (original characters) that will be introduced in later chapters… and they belong solely to me and me alone! Also, I am not responsible for ruining some of the plot of Death Note to some of those who aren't finished with the series… I don't want people whining to me saying that I revealed something that they didn't get to yet.

Authors Note: Hello… it's good to see you all, and I'm proud to announce that this is my very first fanfiction story, written by me. I'm really excited because I worked really hard on it, but I'm also nervous because I'm afraid that no one will like it. It's a strange story, and maybe it could get a little weird or irrelevant, but I'll try to keep you guys interested. At the end if it turns out that you didn't like it… then please go easy on me, but if you did like it, then please review.

Summary: I feel like I'm being choked, but there's no noose. I feel like I'm drowning, but there's no water. I feel like I'm dreaming, but he hasn't kissed me. Maybe this is what one feels like before he completely dies from the inside.

Pairings/Characters: Well… this is MattxMello (Mello's POV)

Warnings: Lets see here, sometimes by giving out warnings it only makes people want to read it more… wait, that's a good thing!

First of all: Yaoi… (not yet, but in later chapters) which in terms for little kids, is basically two guys who really really like each other and that can lead to doing grown up things, like silly bedroom games, and if you don't know what I mean by now… then perhaps you should leave. I mean there is a reason that this is rated T.

There's also going to be some cussing… but not too much I hope, but I just have to do it to get into character.

Chapter 1 (because I'm not too creative with names)

My heart seemed to skip a beat as the strangest question left his beautiful lips, one that I would never have thought would I would hear him ask, not for as long as I should live, "What does love feel like Mello?"

"W-what?" I couldn't help but stammer… that's the logical way a person would react right? "How the hell would I know what love feels like Matt? Why don't you go ask a girl or something… they always seem to be talking and thinking about weird stuff like that…" I said, though in truth I did know what love felt like all too well… I've been feeling it for a long time now. I just wasn't sure how to explain it to him without giving myself away, "Why does it matter anyway? Do you think you're in love Matty?" I teased, wanting my whole life the chance to call him by such a cute pet name.

"Truth be told…" he took a long pause then sighed… I felt like I knew what he was going to say… no maybe I just wanted him to say it, but it's only wishful thinking, " I think I am." He finished looking down at the stained rugged floor of our dull living room carpet. He traced imaginary designs on it with his feet, with a strange, and very awkward smile. I wasn't sure what to think, I seemed to be a little slow comprehending it all… 'Did he just tell me that he was in love? Or did I just imagine it? No that's not possible I just heard him say it and furthermore he's sitting there in front of me, looking kind of embarrassed.

He looked up at me as if he expected me to say something, but what did he expect me to say? Did he expect me to break down before him and tell him exactly how I feel… that I'm utterly in love with him… there's no way he could know that I feel that way, not in a million years would he ever pay enough attention to me to actually understand how I feel. He continued staring for a moment before he turned back to the floor.

"Well… with who…?" I mouthed since my lips had barely allowed them to go out, this is what anyone would ask… it wouldn't be suspicious for me to ask. I'm just so nervous… it's absolutely irritating; God the suspense is killing me!

"Do you promise that you'll still be my friend?" he asked, and for a second I thought about how childish it was for him to say something like that, like a child scared of getting in trouble for breaking one of his moms expensive diner plates, or getting a bad grade on his report card, but the thought dissipated after another moment, and I was swung back into the current situation, "Well… do you promise?" he asked again after he didn't get a response the first time, 'Quit stalling dammit, and just tell me.' I must have been utterly exploding from the inside.

"Yes Matt, of course I'll always be your friend. I've told you that before haven't I? When we were younger I remember, why would you think that I wouldn't want to be your friend, do you think I would get angry or something? I'll always be there for you." I really wanted to shoot myself for asking that last question, my patience was running out… and now I feel like I'm the one stalling, and hell maybe I am, maybe I'm afraid of what his answer will be.

"I don't know, I just thought that you'd be a little upset or feel differently about me if I told you WHO I loved," that of course was not true, and probably never would be no matter how much I wanted it too, but he didn't know that, "But nevertheless…. You will always be my friend," 'Though I'd kill to be someone more to you', I thought "So I guess now I can say that I… that I love…" he said grabbing my shoulders, and started at me with an intensity I never saw in his eyes before. "You," he finished as I felt myself being drawn closer and closer to him. His warm lovely lips coming ever so close to connecting to mine--

My heart almost burst through my chest, and then my eyes flung open revealing the dark solitude of my bedroom. My chest heaving up and down at a rapid pace, as I tried to regain control of my breathing. "Damn… so f-fucking close…" I panted, banging may arm down on my anything but soft bedding. "Why?" I yelled up at the ceiling. I have dreams like that almost every night about him -the man that would only love me in my dreams, never reality-

Frustrated I ran my hands through my sweat-soaked hair. "Oh… disgusting," I murmured stumbling into the bathroom, flinging my clothes onto the floor, and letting the cold water of the shower cool me down.

Afterward I stared at myself in the mirror, frowning at what I saw… the large scar covering over the entire left half of my body, I will never forget the day this happened, and how Matt had reacted. This of course had happened during that dammed Kira Case, when I was trapped and the only chance I had of staying alive was to blow the place up. Afterward I had returned to him, looking defeated and wrecked… as he had said, but nonetheless he had put his arms around me, and said these exact words, "Don't worry about it… I promise you that I won't look at you any different except now I will see a stronger you" then he laughed, "though I didn't really think you'd be stupid enough to set that bomb off, that was pretty dumb…"

"It was…" I had responded, "but it wasn't that stupid considering the fact that I'm still alive." We both had laughed and I had pulled away from him at that moment and told him that everything was fine, and that he shouldn't pity me, now I would be taken more seriously.

Anyway, after I was dressed in my normal clothes, consisting of my leather jacket and pants… which were a little tight… okay very tight when I first started wearing them, but I got used to it after a while. I walked out into the hallway, smelling cigarette smoke. "Damn it Matt! I told you not to smoke in the house!"

"Oh, sorry man," I jumped. I didn't think he was still here, nowadays he was rarely around… and yes I do talk to myself, but can you really blame me? I'm usually here alone and I have to break the silence somehow.

He popped up from behind the couch and smiled his trouble-making smile he knew I loved. He shook his head moving his devilishly cute russet-colored hair from the front of his eyes, as he stared at me.

"I… ummm… I…" I stammered trying to find the right words to say, but the stare from his dark hazel eyes, made me completely lost. He pulled his unfinished cigarette from his mouth and stuck it into the ashtray.

"Sorry about the smoke, you know it's a habit."

"Yeah, a habit that needs to end," I said quite sternly, but it was obvious that I was only joking. He and I both knew that he wouldn't be able to quit even if he wanted to.

"Tell you what," he smiled raising one eyebrow, like he does when we usually make bets, "I'll quit smoking if you stop eating chocolate."

I shook my head, "You know I don't eat that much chocolate, after the Kira Case was solved, and anyway, at least chocolate doesn't cause lung cancer!"

He chuckled, "Sure whatever Mello… I'm still alive aren't I?" he got up, "I'm gonna blow this taco stand!" he shouted as he left. Typical Matt, he always had something strange to say, even if it was at the last minute.

It's actually surprising that these last couple minutes with him ended up being the most time I had actually spent with him this month, and of course thinking about how much time we don't spend together now makes me think about the times when we had spent every second together. I remember how we first met like it was yesterday…

I was about only 10 years old at the time. I had been there, at Wammy's House, only a couple of days and some of the kids there had invited me to play kickball with them, but apparently I was too rough, and was no longer allowed to play. I was lonely. It wasn't that I was mean, I was just torn after losing my father. He was my role model, my whole world, I wanted to be just like him I really did. You see my mother had died when I was born, and therefore my father had pledged on her grave that he would give me the best life I could possibly have, but when I was just 6 years old he had contracted leukemia, but he would never tell me what was wrong. Everyone told me that he was just sick and I believed for 4 years that he would get better. Everyday I would go and talk to him and he would tell me what a great young man I was, and that someday I would be the man of the house, but I didn't know what he meant until the day he died, leaving me all alone.

The first time I had met Matt, I was crying under the biggest tree at the far end of the yard where I thought that no one would find me… and there he was in his loose striped shirt and baggy jeans. "Hello," he smiled at me, and I looked over to him, "Oh… you're crying! What's wrong?" he asked sitting own beside me.

"Nothing, now just go away and mind your own business," I shouted back to him, my face completely red and covered in warm tears, he only stared, "Stop it! Stop looking at me and go away!!!"

He placed one gentle arm on the side of my face and wiped the tears away, "Please don't cry… I don't like seeing people cry."

"Why should I listen to you?" I growled

"Because I'm a friend," he pulled me close into a warm embrace and oddly enough I felt comforted, I leaned in against his chest, and or course none of this seemed strange at all we were young, I was just a broken up kid, and he was a compassionate caring kid, "Here… I have something for you. I think it'll make you feel better," he said after another moment.

I looked up at him a little surprised, and he held out a chocolate bar. "C-chocolate, I'm sorry I don't really like sweets," he didn't really listen and he broke off a piece and held it out to me. I took it and was surprised that it was a lot better then I had thought. "T-thanks," and after that he and I were inseparable. We became the best of friends and maybe that's because even though we were a little bit different… we were more compatible with each other then with anyone else.

Now on another note, almost four years ago him and I had left Wammy's and Matt and went off on my own, eventually joining the mafia, which was the worst mistake of my life. Matt had found me again, and I was shocked to discover that he had started smoking in my absence. Also, in that time I had set off the bomb, which saved my life and given me this terrible scar. After that Matt had been able to convince me that it was no longer worth it to keep going, so we moved to America, and no more then a month later Near, or rather the new L, had solved the case.

So here we are now in this shitty two-bedroom apartment, where I don't have a job, and Matt makes barely enough income to pay the rent. He's gone early in the morning and not back until late at night. Sometimes I just think that it'd be best if he would just kick me out, I'm not even working. I don't deserve this. Maybe it's time I carried my own weight.

~Later~

"You, big bad Mello, actually getting a job?" he laughed.

"Yeah! Of course… why you don't think I can do it?" I shot back.

"No that's not it, you can do whatever you want. Actually I don't care go on and do whatever, see what I care! I just don't think that you were made to actually work, but be my guest." He smiled one last time before he walked off into his room, "Goodnight Mello."

"Whatever…" I mumbled under my breath. 'That's right… go on to sleep, because I'll show you… I'll get a job, and the next time you see me I'll be making probably double what you make!'

Authors Note: Well that was chapter 1… and I know that there was a lot of flashing back and stuff and that nothing really happened, but that was so I could give you all a pretty good idea of the grand scheme of things, and whatnot. We really haven't even hit the REAL plot yet, so some new things are going to happen. Anyway I would love to hear your thoughts, so please review, and I'm open to constructive criticism, so please don't feel shy to tell me I'm doing something wrong or if there's something you don't like, (but if you didn't like it at all, then I don't really think that I would want to hear from you,) anyway, to those of you who did like it, please review for me. Anyway, bye-bye now. :D