I flew through the trees, agony ripping through my entire being. I had to focus on my feet not turning around and going back to the reason for my existence. I imagined her standing there, fragile and utterly betrayed. She probably hated me. I could live with that if it kept her safe. I would have jumped into a pit fire and burned to my death rather than do that to her, and right now, it seemed like a logical idea. I wondered morbidly what that would mean to her if I died. I wondered if she wouldn't care. I knew that she hated me but also knew that she would never wish that upon anyone, even a scoundrel like me. She was much too selfless; however, I disserved the most painful and slow torture there was made possible for a vampire. I hoped this attempt of being selfless on my part would really make her safe. That it would no longer take her human life away from her.
I ran faster than I had ever before, letting the pain rip me apart. I deserved it. I deserved much worse than it. But, honestly, I couldn't imagine pain much greater than what I was feeling that moment.
Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella, Bella . . . her name rang in my head nonstop; each time, a blow to my heart.
My heart.
I scoffed bitterly. I had no heart. If I thought that I had gained a fraction of it back when Bella entered my existence, well, I was sure it was gone now. It felt as if the crystallized thing became more brittle than ever and shattered into a pile of dust inside my chest. And each one of my breaths carried the dust out of my body and released it into the air outside. It would soon be gone all together. It would be left here in Forks, with Bella. Along with her gifts and photos under the floorboards.
I had left my car in Bella's driveway, knowing I would not be able to get away without running. It would take her approximately three minutes to return to the front yard of her father's house; just enough time for Carlisle to retrieve my car and then drive to Portland and drop it off as he had promised. The note I had left on the kitchen counter for Charlie would give him a warning if Bella did not come back right away. I doubted that she would wander, but I didn't want to leave him without a way to find her if she did.
I made my way out of Forks quickly and turned in the direction of Oregon. I took cover in the trees the entire time I ran until I slowed dramatically. When I was far enough away from what I had left behind, I collapsed pathetically onto the forest floor and curled into a tight, upright ball. Pain ate at my insides, turning them into nothing. I felt absolutely hollow. My now empty insides were replaced with a different kind of venom, an all consuming kind. Her face filled my mind. It was all I could see. The pain I could see in her eyes when I lied to her face ate at me furthermore. How could she believe me so easily? It made no sense. I had expected her to put up a fight but she didn't even doubt one word I had said. I thought she knew how much I desperately needed her. I was prepared to say anything that would make her doubt me. It was so easy. Though, I was relieved that I didn't have to say anything that would cause her even more pain.
I continued to writhe in self hatred as her agonized face stayed in its place right behind my eyelids. And then something blew up in my vision . . . It was my midnight sun. It imploded, taking everything bright with it. I was left there in the dark, blinded . . . helpless. The helplessness was so intense, that it literally caused me to scream out in agony. I searched everywhere in my night sky for my sun. It was nowhere to be found. It was useless anyway, I was blind now. Even if the stars had stayed, I would not be able to see them. Their presence was gone; they fled from my miserable mind. Only an echo left behind by the all consuming absence of my sun. Nothing mattered anymore. Nothing, except Bella's chance of having a normal life. I desperately clung to the hope of giving Bella back her normal human life that I had selfishly stolen.
Was I going to ever do anything right? It didn't matter now; there was nothing to do right for.
I stayed like that until the sky became dark; dulling the colors around me. I pulled myself up reluctantly and took off again into the trees before I could convince myself otherwise. Her face clouded my mind, never ceasing to rip apart my hollow chest. Running didn't dull the pain one bit. As I got closer to Oregon and civilization, I started to here someone's thoughts every now and then; the thoughts of those who lived in the outskirts of Oregon, where trees took up most of the space. I envied every single one of those humans. Wishing I could be like them. Desperately wishing I could be with Bella without risking her life every second I was with her.
I made it to the parking lot in Portland -where I had told Carlisle to leave my car- about two hours later; having to walk in some places of the city; my head hung low the whole time.
There he is; I was getting worried . . . A familiar voice thought. I looked up to see Carlisle leaning against my car five yards away. This had caught me by surprise; I was so wrapped up in my own agony, I really hadn't been paying attention to anything else. I walked slowly towards him; mindful of the humans present. I hadn't expected him to meet me. I had told him to leave right away so he didn't have to see me like this. I knew it would cause him pain. I was causing everyone pain lately.
"Carlisle." I croaked as I approached him. I sounded dead.
"Edward." He breathed.
He looks agonized . . .
"I am." I replied to his thought.
I am so sorry that you had to do this, son.
"Me, too."
It will get better . . .
"I don't think so, Carlisle." I choked. "I'm going away." I added quietly.
Oh, no, Edward. Please stay.
"I can't, I'm sorry."
. . . I understand, my son. Please return to us as soon as possible. Please.
"Thank you." I only replied to his first statement. I envied Carlisle's patients and understanding.
"Goodbye, Edward. Please stay in contact. We love you." Carlisle sighed and handed me the keys.
"Pass on my love to Esme. To everyone."
"Of course."
I slid into the driver's seat and started the engine. Carlisle slumped as I pulled out of the parking lot.
Goodbye, my son. She still loves you, I hope you know that.
I ignored that last thought as I sped down the darkened streets towards the highway. I headed towards emptiness. That's all my life would be forever: Empty and meaningless. Until Bella . . . passed . . . I shuddered. When that did happen, I would pass too. And maybe, if I was lucky, I might be able to see her at the gates of heaven before God sentenced me to hell. I would be contempt after that.
