AN: This is my first Fanfiction story, so please be kind! It is just an idea that I have been thinking about for a while, and after last nights surprise ending I needed to do something to take my mind off of things, so... here it is. It's pretty much cannon( or atleast it should be?). It is just something I would have liked to see between them. It will only be a few chapters, but if you guys like it maybe I'll add more...:)

Disclaimer: I think it's pretty obvious I don't own NCIS.

Chapter 1

Tony woke to the sound of someone screaming. He jolted up and looked around, only to realize no one was there. "Ziva. Where is Ziva" he thought? It took a moment for him to register that he was in his apartment, not the hotel in Paris. "Oh" he sighed letting his head fall back against the pillow, relieved. As he sat back against his head board trying to even out his breathing and lower his heart rate, something far more terrifying dawned on him: if it was not Ziva's screams that he woke up to it must have been his. What was it he was thinking about? There was sand, lots of sand, and cursing, he was restrained. Somalia.

Tony shuddered. Even the slightest things triggered memories from his time there. He had never been angrier in his life. When he left he had been fully prepared to die. With Ziva gone what would the reason be for him to live anyway? If she was dead, then he deserved to die too. He would still have moments some days during particularly tough cases, or after a dangerous chase that he would just stop and look at her. Tony didn't think he would ever be able to forget how he felt in that moment when Saleem pulled that bag off of her head. He was so sure she was dead and yet there she was, looking wild and beaten. He didn't think she had ever looked so beautiful.

Tony got up to make himself some coffee, knowing that sleep would no longer be an option. He kept thinking about Ziva. He remembered how when they were in Paris a few months ago she had woken up screaming and thrashing about. Tony had tried to calm her down, and tell her everything was fine, but he knew it wasn't. He thought about the subdual changes he had noticed in her personality once they returned, but mostly she seemed fine. He knew how hard it must have been on her considering he had nightmares and he wasn't there for four agonizing months. He secretly had gotten therapy to help him cope, and although he didn't like to admit it, it really helped. He hoped she had sought therapy too, but he realized that was very unlikely. He knew she was repressing whatever she had seen. He knew that was how she coped, that was how he used to cope too, until Somalia. But, he wasn't going to therapy for what he saw in Somalia, of course that is what he wrote on the bills, and sure it had finally forced him to face the truth, but he had bigger issues to work out.

Tony tried to be there for Ziva, but she claimed she was fine. He shrugged it off and left her alone; keeping a watchful eye on her, and it was not until they received a case with a rape victim that he really started to see the effects of what had happened to her in Somalia. When they were interrogating the rape victim she looked like she would burst into tears at any moment, he finally couldn't watch it anymore and he cut her off. He hated to see her cry. His mind again flashed back to their time in Paris, the last time he saw her cry. It left him wondering for the millionth time what happened to her all those months before they saved her. It wasn't until later that night that he had gotten really worried. McGee was looking up stuff for the case and they were bouncing ideas off each other about who committed the rape, when McGee asked her. He had asked her what she would have done, and Tony still couldn't get what she had said out of his head. She had looked straight out in front of her, not really seeing anything, and slowly, methodically said she was different. She said that "After torturing them till they cry like babies, I would castrate them. Give them what they deserve." Tony shuddered, remembering the pain in her eyes, and the force with which she spoke the words; he knew she had given this some serious thought. It sent him into a panic.

He was so worried about her that he went as far as digging up her medical file to see what had happened to her. He was just about to read it when Gibbs walked in. Tony shoved it under his desk hoping that his boss hadn't seen what he had been looking at. But of course Gibbs had. He didn't say anything, just continued to walk towards the elevator, as Tony breathed a sigh of relief.

"Come here DiNozzo", Gibbs called. "And bring that file".

"Shit!" thought Tony. He jumped up grabbed the file and followed Gibbs into the elevator.

Gibbs had waited just long enough for the doors to close before he hit the emergency stop button Gibbs turned to face DiNozzo. "Have you read what's in there yet?" he asked, looking his senior field agent up and down.

Tony looked at his feet, weighing his options. He could lie and say yes, and hope that Gibbs would tell him what was in there so that he would still know even if it was taken away, or he could… Who was he kidding this was Gibbs and you can't lie to Gibbs.

Tony shifted his weight and stared at the folder he was holding. "No" he replied. He surprised himself, because he sounded like he was about to cry. Why was he so upset? Gibbs scolded him all the time and it wasn't even the first time he had been caught with files he obviously wasn't supposed to have. No this time was different because it was about Ziva. It was always more complicated when it came to her.

Gibbs reached over and head slapped him. "What took you so long DiNozzo?!" Tony looked up shocked. Gibbs looked at him with tired eyes. "What was Ziva like when you found her?"

Tony's cleared his throat and tried everything not to have to look at Gibbs for fear he would see the tears welling in his eyes. "Broken" he said weakly.

"Exactly" said Gibbs.

At that Tony looked up with a furrowed brow. "I've read that file Tony" Gibbs answered sadly.

With that Tony let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding "I just needed to know what happened" Tony replied. "She hasn't been the same since we brought her back, and lately she has been so..." He struggled to find the right words, "broken" he finally said. Gibbs nodded. Tony continued "and it's my fault she left. She left because she was mad at me! She was willing to die on some stupid suicide mission because of me! I just need to know what I did to her!"

At that Gibbs cut him off. "You did not do anything to her" he said sternly. "You saved her. Her own father left her to die in the desert, but you cared enough to go and save her".

Tony looked up tears welling in his eyes "I thought she was dead boss. I thought I had killed her. I was ready to die. I didn't expect to ever come back from that mission."

Gibbs sighed, "I know DiNozzo. Why do u think we went with you!? We had to make sure we didn't lose both of you."

At that Tony couldn't help but smile at that. "See boss I knew you cared" he joked.

Gibbs smiled "Exactly, that's why I checked out that file months ago."

Tony looked at his boss with raised eyebrows "Ok so what does that have with me taking too long!?" He asked getting angry; he didn't like it when his boss was this cryptic, especially when it was about something this important.

"Because I removed stuff from that file DiNozzo. I didn't want anyone to be looking into her and find those pictures. I was pretty sure she didn't know they existed, so why should anyone else?"

"Pictures" Tony almost squeaked.

"Yes" Gibbs replied. "They photographed her torture and kept logs about her mental state. But I'm not going to show you them. You need to ask her yourself. What happened to her there is still with her. You know and I both know that she has been acting differently since we brought her back."

Tony gulped. He had secretly hoped that he had been imagining that..." Yes" he said shakily.

Gibbs looked down and shook his head. "Let's just say there is probably a reason for that. Now if you ever want to move on you need to talk to her. You both feel like you are at fault, but your too afraid to talk to each other!"

"Ziva thinks that it's her fault?" Tony asked, astonished that she still felt she was to blame. Tony suddenly felt even guiltier, he knew she carried a lot and she didn't need to carry this too.

"Yea she didn't feel she deserved to be saved by us after what she did, but obviously she is wrong. And so are you! That's the whole point."

Tony looked up "Thanks boss he said quietly." Gibbs just nodded looking satisfied, and pushed the button to start the elevator again. But, by the time they got out Ziva had already left for the weekend, so Tony decided to just head home.

Tony almost dropped his coffee. How could he have been so stupid?! Gibbs had practically ordered to talk to Ziva and he was still avoiding it. He was scared, he almost didn't think he could handle what she would tell him, or maybe he just didn't want to upset her. Whatever the reason, it didn't matter anymore. Before he knew what he was doing he found himself throwing on clothes and grabbing his keys. He was half way to her apartment before he even realized what time it was. Tony stopped, and almost turned around, but when he closed his eyes in frustration he flashed back to Somalia again. A thought finally hit him, if he was still having nightmares, it would be a miracle if Ziva ever slept! Tony drove the rest of the way to her house in silence. No radio tonight, he needed to think. He parked the car outside of her apartment and waited. He was trying to remember which window was hers, to see if his gut was right, that she was already up. He finally gave up deciding he would just come back another day. It was 2:00am, and they had already put it off so long, what was another couple days? Then he saw it. A light was switched on, and he saw a figure sit bolt upright in the room. Even through the curtains, and without the apartment number Tony was suddenly sure it was Ziva.