Summary: So I've heard Speechless by Lady Gaga many times and I absolutely love the song, well all songs by Gaga, but that's beside the point. One day my muse (who happens to be Brian Kinney, but occasionally Justin will make his opinion known) put this in my mind and wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote it. He just keeps nagging me until I write down every thought going through my mind. Some days he's quiet, other days there are too many thoughts and I can't write, but for this story we were very much in agreement.

Mild warning: Only for those who don't think Brian bottoms... well he does, for Justin, at times, it is canon... refer to episode 214. Thank you.

Disclaimer: Don't own the characters, the show or the song or song writer.

I like New York, at times I love it… but there are times that I truly miss the life I gave up, left behind…people I left, one person in particular, not for lack of trying though. I tried my damndest to make it work; I called every week and tried to visit when I could. The times we saw each other it was amazing, explosive, just like it had always been, but always new, as well. I still love him more than life itself, but when he gave up, he gave up on me, on us, on together. I couldn't believe it.

I can't believe what you said to me
Last night when we were alone
You threw your hands up
Baby you gave up, you gave up

I can't believe how you looked at me
With your James Dean glossy eyes
In your tight jeans with your long hair
And your cigarette stained lies

Could we fix you if you broke?
And is your punch line just a joke?

I'll never talk again
Oh boy you've left me speechless
You've left me speechless, so speechless

And I'll never love again,
Oh boy you've left me speechless
You've left me speechless, so speechless

I was going back after visiting you, back to New York, back to my art, to make something of myself, to be a big, fat, fucking success so that we could be equal, finally. When we finally let ourselves be together, truly, we would do it as equals. We'd both be successful, we'd both be big names in our perspective industries. We'd show everyone that two successful fags could have a loving, committed relationship.

And then you gave up. It was too hard you said. It was easier to make a clean break and not see each other anymore. I needed to move on and focus on my career. Fuck you I said. You laughed, you fucking laughed. You said we'd always love each other and maybe someday we'd be together again, but until then I needed to be in New York and you're place was in Pittsburgh. I even tried to get you to come stay with me, but you wouldn't. You always wanted to leave the Pitts and make it in the Big Apple, what happened to that? Why did you push me away, why are you always pushing me away?

I can't believe how you slurred at me
With your half wired broken jaw
You popped my heart seams
On my bubble dreams, bubble dreams

I can't believe how you looked at me
With your Johnnie Walker eyes
He's gonna get you and after he's through
There's gonna be no love left to rye

And I know that it's complicated
But I'm a loser in love
So baby raise a glass to mend
All the broken hearts
Of all my wrecked up friends

I'll never talk again
Oh boy you've left me speechless
You've left me speechless so speechless

I'll never love again,
Oh friend you've left me speechless
You've left me speechless, so speechless

How?
Haaaa-oooo-wow?
H-ooow?
Wow

Haaaa-oooo-wow?
H-ooow?
Wow

I drowned my sorrows when I got back, drowned in the world you showed me, the world where anything is possible and no one gives a fuck what you do or who you do. I can't remember the number of men or drugs or bars or clubs or backrooms. I don't remember names or faces or tastes or sounds, all I know is that no matter how deep I was, without you it was pointless. So here I am, trying to forget, trying to leave it all behind, trying to give it all up, so that when I go back, and I will Mr. Kinney, oh I will go back… and when I do I'll show you who I am, who I always have been and who I always will be no matter how the fuck hard you push.

And after all the drinks and bars that we've been to
Would you give it all up?
Could I give it all up for you?

And after all the boys and girls that we've been through
Would you give it all up?
Could you give it all up?

If I promise boy to you
That I'll never talk again
And I'll never love again
I'll never write a song
Won't even sing along

I'll never love again
So speechless
You left me speechless, so speechless
Why you so speechless, so speechless?

Will you ever talk again?
Oh boy, why you so speechless?
You've left me speechless so speechless

Some men may follow me
But you choose "death and company"
Why you so speechless? Oh oh oh

God damn, mother fucking, son of a bitch… why, Brian, why did you do that to us… how could you do that to us? Doesn't he realize that it doesn't matter where the fuck I am, I will always love you, I will always be in love with you. I only left once when you couldn't give me what I wanted, but I never stopped loving you. Every time you push me away, I come back, haven't you figured that out yet? Don't you know that no matter where I am or what I'm doing, no one will ever replace you? You'll always be the only one for me… please don't give up. Please have some hope; please have open arms when I come back, please let me back in…

Please…

Please…

Brian…

…..

"Justin"

*whimper…sniff*

"Sunshine"

"Mmmm…please…"

"Please what Sunshine, why don't you wake up and tell me."

"Brian? … Brian!"

OH GOD! Brian's here… fuck… what a fucking nightmare. I grab him and hold him. Fuck I must look like a fucking mess, with tears running down my cheeks and red eyes, yeah, really fucking great Justin.

"God I've missed you."

Not what I was going for, but had to say it.

"I've only been gone for 3 days Sunshine…we've been apart longer than that before."

"Don't remind me. I'm sorry…and don't say that sorry's are bullshit, I'm sorry for all the shit we've been through and I hope you know I'll never leave you again. And I swear to mother fucking god if you ever push me away I'll drag you back kicking and screaming and tie you up if I have to."

"Kinky."

"Brian."

"Fine…I won't say sorry's bullshit, you know how I feel about apologies… and I already know you'll never leave again… as far as me pushing you away… I think we've tried that and it doesn't work, I am back, and I'm not going anywhere, and I'm not going to push you away… although we could do the tying up thing again that was fun and really hot."

"It's always about sex, isn't it?"

"Unless it's about death, but…"

[Spoken by both at the same time] "Death doesn't sell tickets."

"I can't believe you remembered that."

"I remember a lot more about that time than you think Sunshine. Although I believe we're passed that and don't need to go into any of that crap ever again…where's all this coming from anyway? I haven't seen you this upset over us in, well since I came back to get you."

"Thank you, by the way, I know I've said I love you and that I'll never leave and never let you push me away, but I don't think I've ever said thank you. I can't tell you how much it meant to me the day you showed up here knowing you were willing to give us a chance, to truly be what I always knew we could be."

"No need to thank me, I was fucking miserable without you. As usual, I thought I was doing what was best for you. It wasn't until after you left that I started thinking about everything we'd been through, the fact that I was pushing you away, again, and what you said finally started to kick in and make me realize that what we had was really worth fighting for."

God, I love this man, I truly do, and every time I think I can't love him anymore he does or says something like this and makes me fall even more.

"But you still haven't told me what brought this on. You haven't had nightmares in years, and I've been gone for business before."

"I know… it was…don't laugh cause this is probably gonna sound stupid, but I heard a new song yesterday that I think had something to do with it. It reminded me of everything we had been through and how stubborn you always were."

"A song… a song brought to mind everything we've been through and caused you to have nightmares?"

"See, I said it was fucking ridiculous, I don't know why it did, maybe…"

"My little drama princess…music can be powerful, when we're in the right mood, or wrong mood, for that matter. Maybe next time I have to travel for business I'll just have to take you with me… that probably would have solved it. I must admit that I sleep much better with you in my arms… and I know I sleep much more soundly after a long hard night's fuck."

"Brian… and I'm not a drama princess."

[Brian delivers to Justin a pointed stare with patented and proven Kinney smirk.]

"Okay, maybe a little drama princess, and I'd love to go on your trips with you, but, like you said, it's happened before, it'll happen again, and I had to stay here to finish my last few pieces for my show next weekend. I need to get over this, I'll just have to make sure to not listen to the radio, and play my own music."

"So are you going to tell me what this song was that caused my Sunshine to be so blue?"

"Ummm… I'm not sure… it's a very powerful song and while the lyrics fit, it's a tad darker and deeper than I think what we went through."

[Another pointed stare.]

"Okay, well maybe it is more fitting than I stated, but I don't want you to think that anything in this song is how I feel now."

[Still staring and smirking.]

"Alright, it's Speechless by Lady Gaga."

"Okay, never heard it, I like her other songs though, can't imagine she would have a song that would be so meaningful… usually they're all about sex and fucking, I love those songs."

"Not every song has to be about fucking you know, whether it is or isn't and you just choose to hear that."

"I can't help it if I'm a cock man, and it happens to agree with that summary…so knowing you, you have this song on your iPod already, so you may as well go get it and let me hear it."

He's right, unfortunately, I did download it, and in hind sight that probably wasn't a very good idea.

So I play it for him, and as I knew it would, his face clouds, his eyes darken a little, his mood sours. I know what he's thinking, it's the exact same thoughts I went through. And I can see that he's blaming himself for what we went through then, and what I went through these few days with him away.

"Brian."

He's just sitting there staring at the wall. So I do the only thing I can do, I start to undress him. He just got home after a long business trip, probably expecting him to have his typical welcome home fucking and love making session. But he didn't get that, he needs me right now, more than he may know, to make him feel how I feel. I need to show him that as powerful as this song is, we have the power to overcome anything, we have, we will, and we will always be together, wherever we are.

After hanging up and putting away his clothes, cause regardless of how he feels right now, he'll be fucking pissed if I don't hang up his Armani suit the moment he takes it off. He looks sad, a little pissed, a little worried and a little confused. He's probably wondering why I'm still here, why I keep coming back. One of these days I hope he stops doubting himself.

I lay him down on his stomach and when he's about to protest I just stare at him. His stare/smirk/face can say a number of things, much more so than words, but when I want to… my face can say the same amount of things. He knows to just lay there and accept what I'm doing. He needs, we need this for ourselves and each other.

"Stay there, don't move." I whisper as I kiss his shoulder.

I go to the bathroom and get some massage oil, we haven't had the chance to use it, and while I was hoping it would be used on some fun evening, I believe we need it tonight. As I walk back into the bedroom I can't help but noticing how absolutely stunning Brian is. No matter how much time passes and how much older he gets, I mean he's almost 40, and I know to him that's a lot older than he thinks, but I swear he still looks as young, hot and beautiful as he did when I first saw him approach me under that street lamp 9 years ago.

I make sure I grab the lube on the way, just to be prepared, cause once I start I won't want to stop to get up.

I climb on, straddling his legs, which causes a soft sigh to escape his mouth. A sigh which at one time I would have missed, but now, all his noises are noticeable to me, and I know what all of them mean. I take the oil and warm it in my hands before leaning over him and start to rub his shoulders, slowly, smoothly, sensually. I move out to his arms and spread them out from his body before rubbing them with my hands. My chest rubbing his back as I rub his arms, trying not to put too much pressure on my cock, which I'm willing to stay soft enough to ignore while I concentrate on Brian, and making him relax and feel good. It's not easy, but it wouldn't exactly help to massage him while I come all over his back. I do have more control than I used to. I have to chuckle at that.

"What...cha laughing about?" He forces out the question, partly because he's really enjoying my massaging his back, neck and shoulders, but partly because he might not want the answer. And he calls me a drama princess, if I'm a drama princess, he's a drama queen.

"I was just thinking that it's a good thing I have control, otherwise I'd be coming all over your back before I finish your massage. And I remembered a time when I had no control, and came all over you, when you were on the phone."

He waits a few seconds before responding… I wonder why…

"You're lucky I liked you even then, otherwise I would have really been pissed."

"If I didn't know you now as well as I do I'd say that that was really pissed. I should have figured at the time you couldn't stay too mad at me, after all, you let me name your son and come back with you…"

"And what a night that was. I still don't remember some of it, but I do remember you being the best fuck I'd ever had."

"Really… even then… I was a virgin and I was the best?"

"Don't let it go to your head…well, not the one that you think matters, anyway."

"Hmmm… so I was the best… am I still the best you've ever had?"

"I think that speaks for itself, and the fact that we don't use condoms anymore should say it all."

"Mmm… that it does… do you remember what you said to me that night?"

By now I've moved down and am massaging his legs and feet, paying extra special attention to his toes. You know I never would have thought I would have a foot fetish, but where Brian's feet are involved, I absolutely do. The man has perfect feet. Course it helps he gets pedicures regularly, not that he'll ever admit it, but even without pedicures, they are the perfect size, feel, proportion, his toes are perfect, the bottom of his feet, the top of his feet… perfect fucking feet. And he really enjoys his toes being massaged, or licked, or sucked but massage oil tastes terrible. Hmmm… I'll have to find some edible massage oil for next time.

He's paused to think about my question and eventually shakes his head no.

"You said you always wanted me to remember it so that no matter who I was ever with you'd always be there."

"Mmmm."

"And when you came that first time…you said you loved me."

"I did?"

"Mmmm…I thought for sure you meant it at the time, that was part of the reason I started stalking you, as your friends so wonderfully called it."

"You did stalk me… it wasn't them, it was you Sunshine."

"Well, call it what you will, I knew… of course I was really stupid when I saw Daphne the next day, I must have sounded like a love-sick kid."

He turns his head and smirks again.

"Okay, fine, I was a love-sick kid, but I knew, that night, that first time, when you let me name Gus, and when you said you'd always be there, I knew you were the one I'd always want, I told Daphne that next morning that I'd seen the face of god, and his name was Brian Kinney."

"You said that… how pathetic."

"Hey, love-struck teenager, I was bound to sound pathetic… but that doesn't make it any less true."

I slide up his body, all this talk about our first night, our first time, well times, I'm so hard it hurts, and I can feel he's completely relaxed and almost over our earlier discussion and his hurt feelings. I lay flat against him, with my cock resting nicely between his ass cheeks. I can't help but grinding down a little as I nip his earlobe and speak even softer than we have been.

"I love you Brian Kinney, more than anything else, ever. I still think you have the face, and body of a god, I love you more now than I did then and unbelievably, I'll probably love you even more tomorrow and each and every day than I do right now. There has never, and I mean, absolutely never, been anyone else that I have loved, you will always hold my heart, mind, body and soul, and there's not a damn thing you can say or do to change that, ever. And now that I've been about as romantic as you can probably stand, I'm gonna fuck you into the mattress so fucking hard you're gonna feel me inside you for the next fucking week."

I'm grinding through that whole last sentence, and it's almost impossible to talk, but I have to say it. And as Brian is moaning while I'm talking, I can tell he's listening and hearing and understanding and accepting, exactly what I said, and exactly what I mean.

I reach over for the lube and warm some in my fingers before rolling to the side, just a little to slide one finger in.

"Uuuhhh…"

God, so tight… I know he's never bottom for anyone since me, but me, only me, but it's still not that often. There are times though, that he needs to be taken, needs to feel that love and fullness and passion and acceptance and possession that you can only get from being bottom to the man who loves you.

I work in a second and third finger, fucking him, loosening him, slowly, torturously, grazing his prostate every other stroke. He's fucking loving this, I can tell, and I know he needs it, just like I do. I've always been a top, outside of Brian… always! I bottom for Brian because, like there was any choice… but after that first time, how could anyone else possibly compare to him. He's grinding his hips into the mattress, moaning and groaning as I finger fuck him. I use my other hand to lube my cock so I can slide in fast after removing my fingers. I'm grinding into his hip as I loosen him, god, fucking him is such a huge fucking turn on. As much as I love to bottom for Brian, I love topping him, too. It's not the power, it's the fact that he's letting me have that power, he's allowing me to own him, to be in control, he's trusting me with him, with his heart… I will never allow him or I to ever lose that again.

I pull my fingers out, as he groans a protest at the loss (I know how he feels), then grab my cock and slide in. We both have to groan and gasp at that; so fucking perfect. I start moving in and out, slowly, bury all the way deep and slide almost all the way out. There's something about the position where he's lying flat and I'm riding him, but fucking him, making love to him at the same time, fuck, what a fucking huge turn on. As I feel the urge to start pounding harder and faster, I take a little time to say something I've always wanted to say, but never have had the chance.

"I want you to always remember this Brian Kinney…so that no matter where you are… no matter what you're doing…you'll know that you belong to me…you are mine, always… and I will always be there, with you, in you, as you will always be with me and in me. I'll always be here, I'm never going anywhere…ever again, Brian."

He's gasping with every stroke, not only because of my cock in his ass, but because of what I'm saying. And I know that as much as I would love to fuck face to face, right now he needs this moment, I can see unshed tears, just sitting on his eye lashes. I'll give him this moment and fuck him into the mattress.

I bring my legs between his and use my legs to push his legs up, all the while staying buried balls deep. He gets the idea and helps move, so I can grab his hips and drive and ram and slam into him over and over again, in and out, harder, faster, deeper. He's calling out my name each time I pound his prostate. I call his name and scream I love you Brian right as I come. I reach around to grab his cock and finish him off, I didn't mean to come before him, but after tonight, I couldn't help but come fast. He screams my name and says I love you as he comes. I don't know if I could get hard again, but as Brian says that, I can feel my cock respond by throbbing a little, trying to pump more into Brian's perfect ass. Trying to stay hard so that it can stay buried into the most perfect ass of the most perfect lover and man, ever.

We both collapse after coming and try and get our breathing under control. I reluctantly pull out as I soften and I go to get a cloth to clean us up, giving Brian a moment to compose himself. Even after all this time, after everything we've been through, he's still not fond of emotions, and he needs some space after something like that.

As I pull out a washcloth to wet it with warm water I hear light footsteps behind me. I still give him room and ring out the cloth as I hear the shower turn on, huh…

"Sunshine?"

I turn around to answer and what I see surprises me. He looks happy, truly happy, and open… and free… he looks honestly at peace, calm and really okay.

"Join me?"

I can only nod, turn off the sink, drop the cloth and take Brian's out stretched hand.

He pulls me into the warm water. Not quite as hot as he likes it, but hotter than I would have it. He pulls me to him and wraps his arms around me and his face…he smiles, really smiles… a smile that… I haven't seen since Britin, when I agreed to marry him. (People call me Sunshine because of my smile, but Brian's smile…my smile may light up a room, but Brian's smile can melt the most frozen hearts and light's up your whole life.) Great, now I think I'm gonna cry. Way to wrap up topping Brian.

"Such a sentimental little twat."

"Oh, like you're any…"

He cuts me off with his lips, well, there are worse ways to be told to shut up, and Brian's mouth and lips and tongue are among the absolute best way to be told to shut up. God I love this man, love fucking him, love kissing him, love making love to him, love loving him, love talking and listening to him, love sharing a life with him. His lips feel so good, and his tongue…amazing. We're both softly moaning into each other's mouths. Both reveling in the subtle change that seems to be taking place. He breaks away first, to catch his breath, but pulls back a little further, but still holding on tight.

"Sunshine… you know how I feel about emotions and talking and all that crap…even though I've gotten better…it's still hard."

I smirk at him, this time.

"Not that kind of hard at the moment, but later, definitely later your ass will be receiving the same treatment you gave mine."

I can't help but shudder at that. I have a lot better control than I used to, but Brian can still get hard a lot more often than I can, and I must say, that no matter how many times Brian has fucked me, my ass can withstand a lot of poundings. Which I have to say, is just fine with me. If Brian wants to fuck 4 or 5 times a day, then my ass is all his, or my mouth, cause I love giving Brian blow jobs. Annnnd he must be able to tell I'm wondering cause he's smirking at me.

"Get your head out of the gutter, Sunshine…well, for now at least."

"Okay, but I was so enjoying thinking about how much I love giving you blow jobs… the taste of your…"

This time he stops me talking with his finger… uh oh, that means he wants to be a bit more serious, I'll stop, for now. I smile and nod and kiss his finger. He chuckles and shakes his head.

"You know I don't do anything small… that too, obviously, as I know your body can agree with…but I'm going to say something I haven't said in a long time and this time I want you to think about the answer."

Okay… interesting… when Brian gets serious… no matter how much I know him, he can always surprise me.

"We've both lived together in New York for over a year, and have been monogamous and condom free for about as long. What's say that before your show the following weekend, we take a little time this weekend and take a trip to Vermont and make this whole thing official?"

What…he…just…did he…

[Smirking, knowing full well the meaning of those words and how Justin would take them and react to them.]

"Marry me, Justin…if you need time to think about it and want to wait, take as much time as you need, I'll be here. As I said before I'm taking a chance on love and I would say anything, I'd be anything, I'll do anything to make you happy. Whenever you're ready, I'm here, I'm waiting."

…..

Wow, I just…wow…wasn't sure…didn't know…he's ready, really ready. I guess the whole no condoms thing (which is still fucking incredible, it's amazing what you can feel without that thin latex barrier… the first time I wanted to shout to the whole world that I was fucking Brian Kinney raw, but kept it to myself…kept him to myself…oh yeah!) should have said that, but still, to hear that he still wants to be married, officially, in Vermont, legally, ceremony.

"Okay."

"Okay?"

Oh brother… I guess I should have seen that coming.

"Yes…shh…Yes, I'll marry you. I will marry you Brian Kinney. And if you want to go this weekend, I can absolutely take a break from painting for a couple of days to marry the only man I'll ever want, ever love, ever be with. I love you, Brian, so much, more than I can ever express, you mean more to me than anything or anyone else ever will."

"Ditto, Sunshine, ditto… and you're sure…about..."

This time I stop him with my finger.

"I don't need any time at all, I know what I want, and it's you… do I have any second thoughts? … Not one."

And with that the two lovers finished their shower quickly and returned to their bed so that Brian could return the favor to Justin of being pounded into the mattress as if their lives and asses, and cocks for that matter, depended on it.

That weekend they flew to Vermont, just the two of them, and Justin's mother, although he had one heck of a time trying to convince her to meet them in Vermont. Not only did they need a witness, but they knew that after all she had done for them over the years, including finding Britin, which Brian admitted to still having, not only because it was Justin's, in Justin's and Brian's name (which shocked Justin to surprising proportions, not often is he speechless that often), she had every right to be there to see them get married. Not to mention that once back in Pittsburgh she could spread the news about their marriage. A marriage that was very simply, but completely romantic, and as fate had it, they were able to get the honeymoon suite and Brian ordered all Justin's (and his) favorites for dinner and dessert that evening before flying back the next day.

Brian promised to take Justin on a real honeymoon that summer, to Italy and France. Brian surprised Justin once more during their marriage ceremony when he pulled out the rings that Brian originally purchased. Only this time they were engraved. "Always" was inscribed inside both rings, one word, nothing more, for when Brian Kinney makes a promise of always, he will keep it, always!

Justin gave Brian something as well. The song which started this whole tale inspired Justin to paint something, that he aptly named "Speechless." It was of Justin's back, inside his apartment, and Brian's back outside the same apartment. It was the day Brian had left, trying to make a clean break, the day when Justin had truly been speechless. It was dark, depressing and powerful. The features were not that clear up close, but because of the technique Justin used to paint it… up close it was a swirl of deep dark colors that drew you in, making you question life and love and good and evil. From afar you could tell how much pain both men in the painting were in, you could sense the dark mood, the sorrow and pain almost radiating out from the canvas. Enough to walk away from, but powerless to not get pulled in.

After Justin's and Brian's wedding, Justin had to do a companion to Speechless. To celebrate their wedding, the happiest day in Justin's life, so far, and since meeting Brian, he had thought he already had had that day, a few times. So he painted another picture, of both of them, on their wedding night. The debate between art and porn has been ongoing for quite some time, but Justin knew that if he painted a work of art of Brian and he making love, on any night, much less their wedding night, there would be no debate. It would porn, plain and simple (or deep and hard, depending on how you look at it), and that would not do in a gallery.

That didn't stop him from painting exactly what he wanted, though. He first did a small sketch, in full color, of exactly what he wanted to show. It was he and Brian, in their suite, in post orgasmic ecstasy, full of the love and passion and understanding and pleasure and complete and utter enjoyment. He drew them from above, but with them laying on their side, so you could see their faces, and the way their bodies were entwined. In a sea a rich burgundy silk, completely uncovered, still warm from their previous enjoyable exertion, covered in a light sheen of sweat (and of course, come, but that was only visible if you looked very closely).

The large canvas painting was the same as the sketch, but the colors and their bodies were blurred and muted so that you could tell exactly what the two lovers had been doing, but no features were clear. Even their faces were slightly blurred. Justin's idea was that while this painting was exactly the same as the sketch, it was blurred enough to represent two lovers entwined in bed, in heaven, in each other's arms. And while he knew it was Brian and Justin, being slightly skewed, any observer could imagine themselves in the painting, as either lover; with whatever partner they so choose. The idea that anyone could imagine and enjoy the passion these two undefined lovers were sharing.

The sketch he titled Always, his promise to Brian to match Brian's promise to him, through their rings. He had it framed was going to give it Brian the night after the opening of his show, which, if everything went as planned, would be sitting on their bed, on Brian's pillow, waiting for their return. The large painting, to match, and counteract, Speechless, he named Evocative Eloquence.

While lost in Speechless the viewer truly had no words to describe the incredible loss felt. Conversely, starring at Evocative Eloquence, the viewer was filled with all the loving, fulfilling, beautiful, romantic, passionate words one could think of.